


Depend On Me Like Ramen

by sweetramenwonho



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Awkwardness, Flirting, Fluff and Angst, Holding Hands, Innocent but sweet just like Wonkyun, Kissing, M/M, My First AO3 Post, Realistic, Romantic Fluff, Romantic Friendship, Sexual Tension, a lot of skinship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-16
Updated: 2018-02-05
Packaged: 2018-12-30 12:54:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 109,214
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12109149
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sweetramenwonho/pseuds/sweetramenwonho
Summary: Wonho and Changkyun finally face their long-existing feelings for each other.Takes place during "Beautiful" promotions and goes on until "Dramarama!"





	1. Wonho

_What about you? What about you?_

__

__The familiar lines continued to echo inside his head. Regardless of how many times he’d tried to push them out, they seemed to stay—branded inside him. It began to feel like a burden that just wouldn’t let go. The melody engulfed and smothered him until it was all he could hear._ _

___What about you? What about you? I like it. I like it._ _ _

____“Wonho…hey, Wonho…” He hadn’t realized he’d been lost in thought until he heard Shownu’s voice. The leader shook his shoulder gently—pulling him back into the real world. Wonho immediately looked up, stunned._ _ _ _

____“Shownu-hyung—h-how long have you been standing there?” He looked around him to find that they were in the gym and he was on the same machine he’d first sat in over an hour ago. Shownu’s eyebrow lifted curiously,_ _ _ _

____“I just showed up...” he replied, “You didn’t respond when I called your name.”_ _ _ _

____“Oh…” Wonho slowly released his grip on the bars—allowing his muscles to relax. Due to the recent busyness in their schedules, their visits to the gym had become less and less frequent. However, when they did find time, they fulfilled their reputations as the muscle hyungs that always kept their bodies strong and healthy. But, unlike Shownu, Wonho sought comfort in doing it for different reasons—relieving the stress that had brutally clung onto him as of late. Composing and arranging songs for the new album was becoming a difficult and tedious task—one that made him question why he’d wanted to become a singer in the first place. In fact, he was becoming so stressed and frustrated recently that working out was the only thing that kept him from losing it. But even when he was attempting to rid himself of his frustrations, work haunted him. It wasn’t easy to admit that he was struggling. He was certain Jooheon or I.M never hit barriers like this when they wrote their original music. After all, they were both good at keeping themselves balanced and adjusted when it came to work and their own personal issues._ _ _ _

____Shownu began gathering their bags and water bottles from the ground,_ _ _ _

____“It’s late,” he said wiping is forehead with the back of his hand, “We should be heading back to the dorms.”_ _ _ _

____“Right,” Wonho agreed. He carefully stood from the machine and a moan of pain briefly escaped his mouth before he pushed it back down his throat. His legs and backside ached a little bit from sitting for so long but his biceps, on the other hand, were excruciatingly sore. Were his arms moving while his mind was elsewhere? How long had he been working out without being consciously aware of it? Wonho shook out his wet hair. Lately, it felt as though his own thoughts were holding him hostage. With everything that he was working on for the comeback, it was impossible to sleep peacefully at night. His brain was running 24/7. He rubbed his sore bicep—and felt a sting—before helping Shownu with their things._ _ _ _

____“Are you feeling alright?” Shownu asked as they made their way down the stairs. “I know things haven’t been progressing that smoothly with Brother Su.” Wonho nodded to assure him,_ _ _ _

____“He told me these things don’t usually happen overnight. Our comeback is a while away so we still have time to figure things out.”_ _ _ _

____“Oh, really?” Shownu's round eyes widened, “That’s good to hear. Take your time then. I look forward to working on your songs with the others.” Wonho waited a bit as Shownu opened the glass door—allowing the cool night breeze to greet his heated skin. As his hyung walked ahead of him, Wonho nervously pressed his lips together. He’d done it again…gone out of his way to make someone else feel better when he himself felt like shit. The truth was, the lack of progress in the album was stressing him out more than he would let on. But he couldn’t let Shownu worry about him—especially when it was his own fault._ _ _ _

____ _ _

____When they got home, Kihyun was already putting dinner on the table._ _ _ _

____“Ah, the hyungs are back,” Kihyun said without looking up from the pot. He brought a spoon to lips and gave his soup a taste before slightly tilting his head—indicating it was still missing something._ _ _ _

____“Took you guys long enough,” Minhyuk called from the living room. And then followed a frustrated, “Aaah!! He found my hiding spot! Retreat! Retreat!” As the two of them entered, they found he was sitting on the floor in front of the TV and playing video games as usual._ _ _ _

____“Blame, Wonho,” Shownu teased, “He didn’t want to leave his precious gym.”_ _ _ _

____“I knew it,” Hyungwon chimed in. He’d been lying on the couch and—due to Wonho not detecting his presence—caused Wonho to jolt in surprise. He uttered an initial sound of stutters._ _ _ _

____“You scared me,” Wonho complained before smacking him on the shoulder. Hyungwon let out a desperate cry—reminding everyone that Wonho didn’t know his own strength. When Wonho straightened himself up, he noticed two members were missing from the usual routine of waiting around in the living room until Kihyun finished cooking._ _ _ _

____“Where are Jooheon and Changkyun?” Shownu asked the question for him._ _ _ _

____“They’re still recording,” Hyungwon answered, rubbing his pained shoulder, “Don’t think they’ll get back until later.”_ _ _ _

____“We’ll have to eat without them,” Kihyun called, “Come on, food’s ready.”_ _ _ _

____“Ah, great. I’m starving,” Shownu dropped his gym bag on the floor and immediately headed towards the dinner table. Hyungwon and Minhyuk, too, were suddenly sparked with energy and plummeted towards the food. Within a matter of seconds, chopsticks were flying about, rice was being eaten with great enthusiasm, and Kihyun’s seaweed soup was being slurped mercilessly. While he was chewing food in his cheek like a hamster, Kihyun had been the one to notice Wonho who was still standing in the same spot since they came back._ _ _ _

____“Wonho-hyung,” he called out, “Are you not hungry?”_ _ _ _

____“I am,” Wonho told him, “I just uh…I just need to take a shower first.”_ _ _ _

____“Forget the shower,” Minhyuk said between bites and gulps, “Shownu-hyung didn’t bother. Your stomach is more important.”_ _ _ _

____“Minhyuk, that is why you are the dirtiest member,” Kihyun said before turning back towards Wonho, “You know it’s gonna be all gone when you come back, right?”_ _ _ _

____“I’ll heat up some instant ramen or something,” Wonho replied._ _ _ _

____“Hey, Wonho…” Shownu finally took a moment to come up for air, “Kihyun made this just for us. Are you really gonna let his hard work go to waste?” Wonho looked at Shownu with guilty eyes before looking over at Kihyun. He slowly let the bag slide from his shoulder before it plopped onto the ground. Both Minhyuk and Hyungwon scooted their chairs to the side to give him room. Feeling guilty for having changed the atmosphere, Wonho walked over to the table. His body jumped in surprise as Minhyuk poked his abs._ _ _ _

____“See all that working out won’t even matter if you don’t fill in this meat,” he said._ _ _ _

____“Right,” Wonho laughed. For a moment, he was happy again—and smiling without thinking about it. These moments were what made the hard work worthwhile. The amazing brothers he was fortunate enough to gain in this lifetime gave him a good enough reason to continue on this harsh journey. He thanked Kihyun before digging into the meal—acting as viciously as the others and forgetting his troubles._ _ _ _

____ _ _

____After showering and getting ready for bed, he decided to relax and tune into his iPod for some inspiration. However, listening to music simply postponed the tortuous routine of tossing and turning before he was so exhausted that his body gave out. The clock continued to tick down as a new song began and ended. He turned towards the wall and adjusted his head on his arm—already frustrated. He knew that once he turned off the music and tried to sleep, his own dumb thoughts and worries would attack him. For the moment, those petty thoughts, doubts, and feelings were sitting in the shadows—waiting until he was vulnerable. Wonho adjusted himself onto his back and stared up into the blackness. He could hear Shownu’s faded breathing on the other side of the room and the top bunk where Hyungwon slept slightly creaking as he changed his sleeping position. After a deep breath, Wonho’s eyes quickly dashed over to the digital alarm clock on his nightstand; it read 2:31 AM. He slowly sat up in his bed, looked around as though he could see in the dark, and brought himself to stand. Walking blind, he made his way to the door of their room. The hum of the refrigerator greeted him as he entered the kitchen. He retrieved his bottle of his custom-made protein shake and sat down on one of the chairs. After rubbing his exhausted face with his fingers, he took a long chug of the drink. It had no real taste—just bland and cold and the texture was thick and grainy—but it made him feel healthy. He ran a hand through his blonde hair and licked his lips. This was the fifth night in a row he couldn’t sleep. Will these endless nights stop only when I’ve finally keeled over and died? He thought. The sudden sound of the front door opening caused his head to jolt up. He was shocked to see it was Changkyun that’d entered. The calm maknae didn’t freak out when he saw Wonho sitting in the completely dark kitchen at 2 in the morning but his eyes did slightly widen._ _ _ _

____“Ah, hyung…” he said in that usual, low and mature voice. “You’re still up?”_ _ _ _

____“Mm…” he replied, “I was…thirsty.” He already knew Changkyun knew he was lying but, as always, the youngest didn’t think it was his place to pry. Wonho nervously, drummed his fingers against the side of the bottle. It was always strange with Changkyun—to be alone with him. The atmosphere wasn’t right…if he were to be completely honest, it made him uncomfortable. With the others, it was easy to forget himself—to be immersed in their silliness and light-hearted play. However, when he was with Changkyun, he felt as though he was constantly being reminded of who he was and what he could not be. He found himself thinking too much—wondering how to react, how to speak, how to present himself. He was the hyung after all. He felt he needed to hold his own somehow—to prove to Changkyun that he was a worthy older brother. But at the same time…he wanted Changkyun to lose the formalities—to act natural around him regardless of their age difference. He wanted to be seen as an equal and to be respected as a hyung but he also wanted to be spoiled by him—to receive all of Changkyun’s attention. It felt like an inner battle between three opposing forces._ _ _ _

____Wonho took another sip from his drink._ _ _ _

____“Did you and Jooheon come back from recording?” he asked._ _ _ _

____“Uh…yeah,” Changkyun nodded. “It went on pretty long but we got in a few good ones…hopefully.”_ _ _ _

____“I’m sure you guys did great…” Wonho assured him—despite not being in the mood to praise. But it was true; Jooheon and Changkyun always did well. He cleared his throat, “You’ve worked hard…” He was surprised to see a small smile on Changkyun’s lips before the maknae began taking off his shoes. It looked like he wanted to say something else but Jooheon had entered the front door and interrupted their short conversation._ _ _ _

____“Wonho-hyung’s still awake?” Jooheon said before giving Wonho a brief wave. Then he let out an exhausted breath of frustration, “Ah, I’m so tired.”_ _ _ _

____“Did you guys already eat?” Wonho asked._ _ _ _

____“Yeah, manager-hyung took us to eat some ramen.” Jooheon started to laugh as though he was recalling something, “It was so ridiculous. Changkyun kept wanting to come and pick you guys up so we could all eat together—especially you.”_ _ _ _

____“What?” Wonho covered his initial reaction with a shocked laugh. “It’s two in the morning.”_ _ _ _

____“That’s what I said,” Jooheon playfully hit Changkyun on the shoulder. The maknae attempted to defend himself in between bashful stutters._ _ _ _

____“I-I just thought it’d be a shame to eat without hyung,” he said, “I know he’s been craving real ramen lately.” Both Jooheon and Wonho laughed simultaneously._ _ _ _

____“You’re weird,” Wonho said—though he thought Changkyun was a bit cute as well. Hell, the maknae was always cute he couldn’t deny that._ _ _ _

____“What did you guys eat?” Jooheon asked._ _ _ _

____“Seaweed soup; Kihyun made it.”_ _ _ _

____“Was it good?”_ _ _ _

____“Mm, I think we were all too hungry to notice the taste,” Wonho let out an awkward laugh. He stood from the table and screwed the lid back on the bottle as the two rappers made their way through the living room._ _ _ _

____“Well, I should probably get some hours of sleep before going back tomorrow. Good night, hyung,” Jooheon said after an exhausted sigh; he was the one to race back to the others’ room first—most likely to pass out without even taking off his cap. Wonho felt Changkyun’s lingering eyes on him after he returned his drink to the fridge. He turned around quickly before the guy could scare him with his sudden appearance._ _ _ _

____“Are you going to bed, hyung?” Changkyun asked; he looked a black wolf in the shadows of the night. Wonho rubbed the area of his bicep that was still sore from the gym._ _ _ _

____“I think I’ll work on songs for a bit…” he replied honestly. There was no way he was sleeping at this rate. Changkyun looked displeased with his answer._ _ _ _

____“I see…” he said. He let out a low cough before clearing his throat, “Then I’ll…leave you to it.” Wonho watched with caution as he disappeared into the room after Jooheon. It was clear Changkyun was annoyed or even angry; the guy wanted to say something to him. In fact, it felt as though he always did but chose not to simply because he didn’t feel it was his place to do so. Wonho wanted to tell himself he wasn’t bothered by this but he was. Why does he have to keep me at such a distance? He thought desperately. He tried to shake off the unsolvable mystery he saw in Changkyun’s eyes before leaving the empty kitchen._ _ _ _

____Before he knew it, he was in his studio and replaying the rough draft of one of his original songs. Hearing the familiar opening beats—after having it in his head for so long—felt strangely satisfying. But that only made him realize that he was a couple steps closer to losing his mind. He slowly slid the headphones off and let out a heavy sigh before viciously rubbing his eyes into his palms. He’d changed the arrangement for the third time now yet it still didn’t feel right—it still wasn’t good enough._ _ _ _

____ _ _

____“Hyung…hyung…” Someone was shaking him awake. When his eyes finally opened, he found himself in the recording studio. Hyungwon was the one sitting next to him and nudging him in the arm. Wonho licked his lips before stretching out the exhaustion. But he quickly pulled himself together when he saw the recording director standing in front of him._ _ _ _

____“Wonho-shi,” the man said with his usual lazy but serious eyes piercing into him, “Are you up for it today?” Wonho nodded almost instantly despite feeling the need to finish off his yawn. As he stood from the chair, he saw Changkyun coming out of the recording room._ _ _ _

____“Ah, I.M-shi, good work today,” the recording director said._ _ _ _

____“Good work,” Changkyun replied with a polite bow. Wonho felt Changkyun’s supportive hand on his back as he walked passed him. It was brief but it felt like something he needed at the moment. After exchanging places with the I.M in the recording room, Wonho took a gulp from his water bottle. He took another before pulling on the headphones and standing in front of the mic. Despite having fallen asleep, he wanted to sing his best for Monbebe. He tried a few warm up exercises but found his voice rapidly drying up; it hurt to try singing whole-heartedly. When he did, the recording director noticed and ordered him to try the take again because it sounded forced._ _ _ _

____“Ah…it’s just not sounding right,” the director’s disappointed voice echoed through his headphones. “Sing that line softer…it’s much simpler than you think. It needs to sound sweet but sad. You are longing for this girl.” Wonho nodded in understanding and waited as the music started again._ _ _ _

____“Where are you right now? Do you know that I’m looking for you like this--” He immediately stopped as the music cut off—knowing it was another poor take. The room fell silent for a moment before he heard the director say,_ _ _ _

____“Did you get enough sleep last night? You sound like you’ve been gurgling nails.” Wonho could feel his body freeze from shame and embarrassment. It was the co-director’s voice that he heard next._ _ _ _

____“We can’t go on like this,” he said slowly. “You still have the final chorus to do—the climax of the song,” he let out a sigh, “Go home. Get some rest tonight and come back tomorrow.” A dry gulp traveled down his throat. It wasn’t what he wanted to hear but he nodded anyway and collected his things. He looked up at the clock and realized he’d been going at it for over five hours. Hyungwon and Changkyun were waiting for him when he returned to the other room. Only the three of them could fit today’s recording into their schedules._ _ _ _

____“They told us that you didn’t get to finish,” Hyungwon said, standing up. He handed Wonho his jacket._ _ _ _

____“I’ll have to come back tomorrow,” Wonho told him. He didn’t want to sound defeated but he did. Both his voice and his confidence were practically gone at this point._ _ _ _

____“I’ll go tell manager-hyung we’re done and we’ll get something to eat,” Hyungwon said, patting him on the back. He left Wonho and Changkyun standing alone in their usual atmosphere of tension, their over thinking, and their hidden feelings. The maknae avoided his eyes as he broke the silence,_ _ _ _

____“It sounds like they were pretty tough on you in there, hyung…”_ _ _ _

____“It was my fault,” Wonho said; he laughed awkwardly, “I wasn’t good enough for our Monbebe.”_ _ _ _

____“Why do you have to say it like that?” Changkyun shook his head, “If you’re not good enough today…then you’ll just have to be good enough tomorrow.” Wonho almost accepted his words of encouragement—he almost let the warmth of Changkyun touch his heart—but he was too angry at himself—at his lack of perfection._ _ _ _

____“It’s easy for you to say that, isn’t it?” he said defensively. Changkyun’s eyes slightly widened with curiosity._ _ _ _

____“What’s that supposed to mean?” Before he could fire off, Hyungwon and their manager returned to get them. Wonho was already fleeing from the situation and sitting in the car before Hyungwon could ask what they wanted to eat._ _ _ _

____ _ _

____Minhyuk had invaded their room with a dumb game that both Shownu and Hyungwon were more than excited to play. They were causing a loud ruckus and a hyper aura that Wonho would never admit he enjoyed being in; despite feeling exhausted, seeing their smiles made his heart feel lighter. He was lying back on his bed and scrolling through his iPod when they asked him to join. Minhyuk held up a jar full of jumbo Popsicle sticks—shoving it into Wonho’s face as though doing so was far better than trying to verbally convince him to play. After a moment of hesitation, Wonho reached into the jar and pulled out a stick. He read it aloud,_ _ _ _

____“Something you’ve always wanted to say to I.M but never have.” He could feel the air stiffen in the room as though a joke, which everyone else understood but him, was just told. He looked around him and saw Shownu and Hyungwon exchange similar glances of being in on the joke. Wonho was suddenly confused._ _ _ _

____“W-what is this?” he asked, following his question with a laugh, “Why did the atmosphere suddenly change?”_ _ _ _

____“Ah, it’s nothing, it’s nothing,” Minhyuk said, clearly fighting a laugh himself._ _ _ _

____“You’re kidding me, right?” Wonho said, “Is there something I’m not getting here?”_ _ _ _

____“Just drop it; it’s not important,” Minhyuk snatched the stick from Wonho’s hand. “So are you going to answer it?”_ _ _ _

____“What’s the penalty if I don’t do it?” Wonho asked simply out of curiosity. He always wanted to know exactly what it was he was getting into._ _ _ _

____“Reveal arm muscles on vlive,” Hyungwon said almost instantly._ _ _ _

____“How ‘bout a solo vlive and you can’t wear a hat or a hood,” Minhyuk suggested._ _ _ _

____“Ah, that’s no good,” Shownu protested with a shake of his head._ _ _ _

____“Yeah, we can’t do that,” Wonho agreed seriously, “We can’t show our new hair to Monbebe.”_ _ _ _

____“But we’ve seen your hair blonde once before already.”_ _ _ _

____“That doesn’t matter,” Shownu said. “Just like the rest of us, Wonho can’t show his hair no matter what color.”_ _ _ _

____“Fine, fine,” Minhyuk gave up; he let out a disappointed sigh before turning back to Wonho, “Just confess your unrequited love to I.M and you won’t have to do any penalty.”_ _ _ _

____“What? Confess my…?” Wonho instantly looked around him as though he were surrounded by loaded guns. Hyungwon hit Minhyuk in the shoulder and just like that, the mood changed again. After an awkward moment of silence, Wonho realized the mood change wasn’t merely a coincidence. He pulled out his headphones from his ears and sat up on his bed._ _ _ _

____“So, this may just be my paranoia speaking but…is there something you guys want to tell me?”_ _ _ _

____“Hyung, it’s not a big deal,” Hyungwon attempted to divert him again._ _ _ _

____“No, no there’s clearly something I’m not getting so why don’t you guys just drop the act and explain it to me?” he tried not to sound too desperate, “It’s about Changkyun, right? Come on, you guys are always like this when the two of us are brought up. What’s this about?”_ _ _ _

____“You’ll regret asking this,” Minhyuk said; it looked like he was still wondering whether or not the situation was humorous or serious._ _ _ _

____“I don’t care,” Wonho said coldly—solidifying that the situation was the latter. He was through with their inside joke. It felt as though they were keeping something from him when they had all agreed not to keep secrets. Simultaneously, Minhyuk and Hyungwon looked at each other as though they’ve been defeated. Hyungwon shifted in his sitting position before gently letting Wonho know what they were keeping from him._ _ _ _

____“Well, hyung…we all made these popsicle sticks together a while ago…and when we did, we were joking about what’d happen if you pulled out this exact one.” Wonho’s eyes narrowed with curiosity._ _ _ _

____“Why?”_ _ _ _

____“Well, because…because we made up this scenario that you would um… ‘finally’ confess your love for him…” Hyungwon looked down nervously before looking up at him, “Because you’ve always had feelings for Changkyun, haven’t you?” Wonho was thrown; he didn’t know how to react, Me and Changkyun…? Like that? I’ve never…He immediately wanted to deny their sudden assumption but found his voice lost._ _ _ _

____“Wonho…” Shownu called out, clearly concerned. Wonho looked around him briefly before he attempted to save the situation._ _ _ _

____“Well, I…I mean of course I care about our maknae,” he managed to say through stutters. But his brothers already saw through his façade._ _ _ _

____“It’s not the same feelings you have for us, right?” Hyungwon said—softer this time. He must’ve realized he’d opened a wound without having prepared any medication._ _ _ _

____“Or for Monbebe for that matter,” Minhyuk added innocently. Hyungwon noticed the discomfort on Wonho’s face,_ _ _ _

____“Um…hyung, we didn’t mean to upset you with this…” he looked from Shownu to Minhyuk, “But we’ve always known this—about your feelings. I mean it’s always been there. We just…didn’t tell you.”_ _ _ _

____“How can everyone but me notice my own feelings?” Wonho asked letting out a laugh of disbelief. “Honestly, you guys are being weird. I don’t…I don’t like him in the way you’re saying.”_ _ _ _

____“You mean to say we’ve witnessed your flirting all these years because you like him as a friend?”_ _ _ _

____“Minhyuk,” Shownu scolded. Wonho didn’t even realize until Minhyuk had said it. Is that what it really was? Is that what he truly wanted from Changkyun? During fan-signs and variety shows—when he could get away with messing with Changkyun because they were in front of cameras and Monbebe—all those times that he felt comfortable enough to reach out to him—was that when his true feelings for Changkyun showed? He wanted attention from him…in that way? And he was apparently so transparent that the others had noticed? Wonho suddenly felt his cheeks heat up with embarrassment._ _ _ _

____“Do…do all of you think this way?” he asked, feeling betrayed. Minhyuk’s face turned serious before he nodded. Wonho tightened his lips together nervously, “Even him?”_ _ _ _

____“You’re lucky he’s even more oblivious than you are,” Minhyuk assured him. Wonho impatiently stood from the bed, as if I needed more stress on top of everything that’s going on._ _ _ _

____“I should go practice my part,” he said, “They gave me a two-hour slot and it’s my last chance.”_ _ _ _

____“Hyung,” Hyungwon called out to him as he left but he didn’t bother responding._ _ _ _

____He sat down at his desk and hit the space bar on his laptop. The instrumental version of “Miss you” began playing but he could not concentrate. He missed his cue and replayed it again. As he sang along, he suddenly began to think about Changkyun—from this very moment and all the way back to when they first met; he followed his memories for any trace of the answers to what he was feeling._ _ _ _

____“Where are you right now?” he sang softly, remembering the first time he saw Changkyun during the filming of No Mercy, “Do you know that I’m looking for you like this…” He remembered the first thing he had said to him, “You came at the worst time.” With no hesitation or second thoughts, he had said it—simply because he was angry and frustrated. He remembered that time—how easy it was to talk to Changkyun because they did not know each other; he could act like someone who wasn’t himself—he could be confident and pretend to know what he was doing. But as soon as they became closer and Changkyun began peeling off his layers—learning his vulnerabilities and weaknesses—Wonho began pulling away from him out of fear. He was afraid because he knew he would always fall short when it came to him._ _ _ _

____He remembered vividly the night that Changkyun left for his surgery. He would never admit it to anyone but he’d been crying. Before he left, Changkyun hugged the other members and said his goodbyes like the lovable maknae that he was. But Wonho stubbornly refused to confront the reality of the situation—that Changkyun was leaving Monsta X even if it was temporary—that he was leaving him. He’d childishly immersed himself in dance practice—using his body to vent the frustration and pain he felt. The loud bass from “Hero” muted any other noise but his own; he could hear the rapid pounding of his heart and the squeaking of his sneakers against the tiled floor. He remembered how his body was drenched in his own sweat and how it dripped so easily from his brown hair. The air had grown musty and damp from his heated body—his hot breath and shameful tears. It was during the instrumental break of the song that Changkyun had entered the practice room. The music was too loud that Wonho didn’t hear him; needless to say, he was quite surprised to find that he was standing behind him. He almost slammed into him but he caught his footing and managed to collect himself in his presence._ _ _ _

____“I wanted to say goodbye,” Changkyun had said after he stubbornly shut off the music. Wonho remembered how awkwardly Changkyun’s body had shifted—as though he wanted a hug but—due to their self-conscious relationship—held back instead. But now Wonho realized that it was his own fault for keeping Changkyun at such a distance. If he hadn’t been so prickly, perhaps the maknae would have embraced him that time—with no hesitations. Unfortunately, he was indeed bitter and stubborn, too. He’d showed the ugliest side of himself to him._ _ _ _

____“Goodbye, I.M-shi,” he had said curtly before returning to practice—as though it had any level of importance to him. But it was a decent enough distraction—one that kept him from looking Changkyun in the eye. If he did, he knew he would only cry more. He knew it would only be more painful._ _ _ _

____“I’ll see you when I get back, hyung,” Changkyun had said before placing a reluctant hand on his shoulder. Wonho waited until he had left to fall onto his knees and exhaust himself into a pathetic sobbing heap. He regretted not hugging Changkyun—acting like an idiotic child. Even when Changkyun returned, he refused to admit that he had missed him. He attempted to make up for it by clinging onto his shoulders and joking around with him; it was the only way he could convey his feelings without letting all his emotions slip out of him._ _ _ _

____Due to his efforts, they had grown closer by the time the x-clan era began. During the shooting of the “All in” music video, they were stuck together. All the other members had a harsher and longer time with their scenes but the two of them finished quickly and had to wait for the rest. Wonho only remembered that he laughed a lot—maybe too much. He remembered being happy—being grateful—despite the fact that they sat around doing nothing for hours. Now he knew it was because Changkyun was there by his side. It was because it was finally just the two of them—in their own little world. From then on, Wonho desired to become closer to him. He could feel that they were progressing—their relationship was becoming stronger. But…there was also something else he wanted from Changkyun—something more._ _ _ _

____ _ _

____Wonho replayed “Miss you” again and waited for his line. He suddenly felt an ache in his chest as he sang the lyrics. Before he knew it, his nose began to itch and his eyes stung. The song continued to play underneath the sound of his heavy breathing. If he had been looking for Changkyun this whole time—waiting for him to meet him halfway as the others have said—wouldn’t that be too painful? Changkyun had never learned of his feelings the whole time they’ve been together? Wonho never had a chance to express his feelings in that way because he was too stupid and in his own head to admit it to himself—to admit that he needed him…that he wanted him. Suddenly, he heard Changkyun’s voice on the recording and his heart seemed to skip a beat or two. He didn’t realize the sound editor had already put Changkyun’s part into the song. Wonho fought a smile; he felt something warm inside his chest—his stomach began to twist and knot. I.M’s voice was as clear, crisp, and cool as always. Only this time, Wonho felt especially touched by how he attacked his words. Every syllable he pronounced was intentional and sharp and Wonho blushed as he imagined Changkyun’s mouth performing this—his thin lips completely in control of what he was saying and his tongue moving rapidly but efficiently._ _ _ _

____Wonho immediately stopped the audio before his mind got too obscene and buried his face in his hands. He was doomed._ _ _ _

____ _ _

____“You left me behind who was waiting, where you at right now? How could you leave me baby…?” Wonho looked up from the lyrics and waited for his feedback. The recording director’s voice was in his ear a second later,_ _ _ _

____“That was perfect,” he said, “Exactly what we needed for the final chorus.”  
“Really?” Wonho wondered aloud._ _ _ _

____“We still have an hour but you finished early with good recordings,” he explained, “Good work today, Wonho-shi.” Wonho tightened his lips together. He wanted to cry from hearing good news for the first time in what felt like forever._ _ _ _

____“Thank you,” he nodded before taking off the headphones. With the extra time, he could start composing his arrangement with Brother Su. They met up in a few minutes and began a first draft of the song. Wonho had explained to him that he wanted to write a song representing the exciting, fun, charismatic, and raw masculinity of their group. After hearing that, Brother Su was very helpful with how the song was going to be arranged. Wonho began to feel excited and enthusiastic about music again and remembered why he had wanted to become an idol in the first place._ _ _ _

____When he got home, he began writing lyrics for the piece. He decided to call it “Oi” to represent Monsta X in their true and newly established power. After finishing up the first couple lines, he decided to listen to “What about you.” It’d been a long time since he listened to it; he tried to avoid doing so because it’d been stuck in his head for so long due to how many times he’d rearranged and overanalyzed it. It wasn’t until now that he realized it was a good song; he’d poured a lot into it and—with the help of his members—a song he knew Monbebe would love was produced. But it needs to be called something else, he thought, maybe an English title. He took out a notepad and began scribbling down English phrases that would match the song. A knock at the door caused him to look up. He turned around to find Changkyun at the door._ _ _ _

____“Um…Kihyun-hyung made some ramen,” he said after a moment of silence. Wonho froze at his appearance. He never realized how handsome he was until this moment—wearing a simple cap and sweater. So, this is how Monbebe feels._ _ _ _

____“What?” Changkyun asked, confused. Wonho collected himself quickly._ _ _ _

____“Oh, um…” he held up the notepad, “What are some English phrases that would fit ‘What about you’?” The maknae’s eyebrow lifted._ _ _ _

____“Why?”_ _ _ _

____“I’m thinking about giving it an English title…I think it’ll be easier for Monbebe to remember.”_ _ _ _

____“You don’t need an English title for that, hyung,” Changkyun said after a moment of realization, “They’ll remember it because it’s a great song written by you.” Wonho suddenly regretted being so rude to him the other day._ _ _ _

____“I’ll start to blush if you praise me like that,” he stuttered, touched and flattered. Now that I know my true feelings, being around him is going to be more difficult than I thought. Changkyun laughed softly before looking at the ground—once more avoiding Wonho’s eyes,_ _ _ _

____“Um…try ‘I’ll be there.’ It’s…it’s what I feel when I think about Monbebe. We can’t be with them all the time so…it’d be nice to just tell them in one phrase that we’re with them even when we’re not.”_ _ _ _

____“I’ll be there…” Wonho repeated. “I like it. Thanks.”_ _ _ _

____“Yeah…” Changkyun nervously looked around him before clearing his throat, “So um…are you coming to eat?”_ _ _ _

____“Oh, right,” Wonho stood from his chair and walked towards the door. He waited for Changkyun to exit first but Changkyun had different ideas and it sort of turned into an awkward dance about who would go out the door first. Wonho wanted to die._ _ _ _

____ _ _

____If there was one state of emotion Wonho didn’t like being in—it was jealousy. But lately it’d been getting worse. Simply seeing Jooheon and Changkyun alone together made him irritated. And when Kihyun asked Changkyun to help him cook, he caught himself wishing he’d volunteered to help first if it meant preventing Kihyun and Changkyun’s bonding time. After all, Kihyun was much more charming than he was—he was definitely easier to get along with and easier to talk to no matter how quiet or reserved the other party was. Kihyun just had a natural, caring, and confident personality that allowed him to hold a decent conversation with just about anyone. That was why he and Changkyun’s relationship seemed so smooth and effortless; it was the relationship that Wonho had wanted. He knew it was petty and childish to feel this way but he couldn’t help it. He wanted to claim Changkyun for himself. But he didn’t have the confidence to. Nor did he want to break the slowly growing progress of their relationship. He knew they were getting somewhere as friends, brothers, and members; there was no point in ruining that. And if those reasons were not convincing enough, there was the matter of their reputation. Wonho knew what it meant to be an idol. He knew the risks of telling Changkyun how he felt._ _ _ _

____“Are you mad at me?” Kihyun suddenly asked. Wonho looked up from his notebook and found Kihyun standing next to the kitchen table where he’d been sitting. He was gathering up the leftovers from dinner._ _ _ _

____“I’m not,” Wonho shook his head—ashamed that his feelings showed so obviously. He readjusted his arm before continuing to write the lyrics for “5:14.” In the corner of his eye, he saw Kihyun putting the plastic container into the fridge._ _ _ _

____“You know, Shownu-hyung told me what happened,” Kihyun suddenly said when he returned. He casually sat down across from him. At this statement, Wonho let go of his pen. He rubbed his temples with his fingers—suddenly frustrated._ _ _ _

____“What are you talking about?”_ _ _ _

____“You may not think I notice how you’ve been acting lately but I do,” Kihyun’s mouth pursed with regret, “After what the others told you, you’ve been different—too aware of yourself and your surroundings, we can all sense it.” Wonho clicked his tongue, annoyed._ _ _ _

____“Why can’t you guys just ignore me then?”_ _ _ _

____“You think we can ignore one of our own members?” Kihyun’s voice began to rise a bit. He shook his head in disbelief at Wonho’s indifference, “The atmosphere of the team is different when you are, hyung why don’t you realize that? Of course, we notice these things…”_ _ _ _

____“Yeah, just like you noticed that I’ve apparently been in love with our maknae ever since our debut?”_ _ _ _

____“Hyung--”_ _ _ _

____“Why didn’t you tell me?” Wonho gritted through his teeth. He looked Kihyun in the eyes but felt his own already beginning to tear up. “You know I don’t know myself as well as I think I do. Why didn’t you guys just tell me instead of whispering behind my back like I was a child too dumb and stubborn to handle the truth?”_ _ _ _

____“What good would telling you be, hyung?” It was clear Kihyun—from the beginning—was sympathetic about the situation; in his eyes, Wonho saw something else that he was keeping from him—something painful. Kihyun nervously rubbed his mouth with his hand, “Something like this…romance within the group…it’s not beneficial to anyone.”_ _ _ _

____“Romance…” Wonho laughed at the word, “I didn’t even think that far.”_ _ _ _

____“You didn’t?”_ _ _ _

____“I just realized my feelings a few days ago…” Wonho explained, “It’s not easy to come to terms with…I’m actually still confused as hell. But I’m not planning on telling him how I feel. Even if I did…it’s not like we can just start dating like in some internet novel. We’re both males…in a kpop group…Monsta X would sink like the titanic. Like you said—it’s not beneficial to anyone.”_ _ _ _

____“I said that but…what about him?”_ _ _ _

____“What do you mean?”_ _ _ _

____“I mean Changkyunnie may be oblivious to your feelings but he’s not an idiot. He cares about you, too…and he knows you’re trying.”_ _ _ _

____“Trying?”_ _ _ _

____“To figure out a way to be closer to him,” Kihyun finished. A small smile was on his lips, “I think you’re the only person that can make this complicated, hyung.” Wonho lifted his eyebrows at Kihyun’s accusation._ _ _ _

____“Oh, really…?”_ _ _ _

____“As opposed to that, our maknae is a lot simpler than you think,” Kihyun stood from the table, “He can handle a lot—more than you give him credit for.” Just at that moment, Shownu exited their room fresh out of the shower and in clean clothes._ _ _ _

____“Are you ready to go, Kihyunnie?” he said; Kihyun nodded before heading towards the front door._ _ _ _

____“Wait, where are you guys going?” Wonho asked in opposition. If these two left that would mean he was left alone with Changkyun for the night. The other three were already out finishing up their recordings._ _ _ _

____“We have a small interview for K-soul,” Kihyun answered, “We’ll be back later.”_ _ _ _

____“Night, Wonho,” Shownu said, “Get some sleep, alright?” Wonho didn’t have time to lie to Shownu before they already left. He’d been getting a few hours of sleep here and there but he knew he wouldn’t sleep properly until their comeback began and ended. He sat at the kitchen table in silence before returning to his notebook. However, he couldn’t think of anything to write; “5:14” was supposed to have easy-going and heartwarming lyrics but all he felt at the moment was distress. If he bumped into Changkyun now of all times what would he say? How was he supposed to act? A part of him was starting to feel so anxious that he wanted to tell Changkyun how he felt simply because of the dramatic conversation he’d just had with Kihyun. He was a romantic after all. But no…he had to keep his head on and be realistic. Now wasn’t the time to be thinking about him in that way. They had a comeback to prepare for. If I run into him…I act normal. That’s it. It’s that simple, Hoseok. Don’t over think it. Don’t make this more complicated._ _ _ _

____“Hyung.” Wonho immediately stood up, flinging his notebook frantically in the process. Changkyun was staring at him with widened and startled eyes. They stood there and stared at each other for a good ten seconds before Changkyun cleared his throat nervously._ _ _ _

____“I was just gonna heat up some ramen,” he explained._ _ _ _

____“Right…you um, you skipped out on dinner.”_ _ _ _

____“Yeah,” Changkyun replied, “I was working on my raps.”_ _ _ _

____“Oh, cool...how’s that going?” A laugh briefly escaped Changkyun’s lips as though he found Wonho’s small talk humorous. He walked over to the cupboard and grabbed a cup of ramen._ _ _ _

____“I like the beat for ‘Oi.’ It’s fast and unapologetic,” he pulled off the plastic wrapper, “It’s something I can work with easily. The slower songs like ‘Need u’ are…a bit harder.”_ _ _ _

____“I would think slower songs are easier for rappers,” Wonho said with a forced laugh that he immediately regretted. He was fortunate that Changkyun was kind enough to laugh with him._ _ _ _

____“I have to use fewer words because I’m rapping slower…so the meaning of the words has to have equally as much weight as when I’m using a lot…if that makes sense.”_ _ _ _

____“I guess it does,” Wonho replied half understanding. But he smiled to himself at how easily Changkyun opened up to him when the topic was related to rapping._ _ _ _

____“What are you working on then, hyung?”_ _ _ _

____“Um…just another song…for us—Monsta X, I mean.”_ _ _ _

____“Ah, our debut date one.”_ _ _ _

____“Yeah…” Wonho hated to kill the casual mood and go back to his usual way of overthinking. But he suddenly noticed the distance in Changkyun’s demeanor. It felt as though he, too, was desperately trying to figure out what to say. That only made Wonho’s own confidence diminish even more. Can we really not hold a decent conversation without it being uncomfortable—without the fear of offending the other?_ _ _ _

____“Well, I…I can’t wait to write my raps for that one,” Changkyun finally said after coughing a bit. He filled the cup with hot water and leaned against the counter, “I know you and Jooheon will do well, too.”_ _ _ _

____“Thanks,” Wonho suddenly felt the sense of happiness he’d initially gotten from speaking to him slipping from within his chest. A sad pain followed and he couldn’t understand why. As he watched Changkyun’s soft hands pouring the hot ramen into a bowl and began gently stirring it, he felt a sudden urge to grab onto them. He’d laughed at Kihyun when he mentioned romance but maybe the guy wasn’t far off. Wonho wanted to touch him more than usual—and differently. Romantically? He could not decide that now. But it was pretty damn close to the emotion he was feeling. Changkyun cutely blew away the smoke before trying out the temperature and then pouting when it was too hot. Damn it! He’s so cute. He felt stupid for thinking he could control himself and his feelings. They must’ve been there for so long—just waiting to be unleashed. And now he was fighting them down—hurting himself even more._ _ _ _

____“Do you want some, hyung?” Changkyun asked suddenly. Wonho quickly pulled himself out of his selfish daydream and shook his head._ _ _ _

____“I’m full, thanks,” he gathered his notes and pen and stood from the table, “I should be working in my studio. Good night, Changkyunnie.”_ _ _ _

____“Hyung, I--” Wonho immediately stopped himself from leaving. He hated that a small part inside of him wanted so badly for the maknae to take the first step—for Changkyun to confess instead so Wonho—as the responsible, sensible, and professional older one—could blame him for it. Because he knew that he would be much too stubborn and afraid to do it himself. But there was no telling how Changkyun felt. In fact, he could’ve even despised Wonho. He didn’t doubt it. That would’ve easily explained the awkward distance they had set between them._ _ _ _

____“What is it?” Wonho turned around to face him—pretending he had himself together even when he was falling apart inside. Changkyun tried to smile to lighten the suddenly heavy mood but it slipped away quickly._ _ _ _

____“I just...I heard the full audio for ‘Miss you’ today at the recording studio…” he said slowly, “You did a good job on your part.” Wonho fought down the disappointment that surfaced at the fact that their conversation was still about work._ _ _ _

____“You told me I needed to be good enough, right?”_ _ _ _

____“You were already good enough, hyung...you just needed to be reminded.” Changkyun cleared his throat—it seemed he always did that when he realized he was stepping over the line the maknae wasn’t supposed to step over. His tone shifted and he began using formal speech again, “It’s just that...I know you were struggling with it but it actually turned out very nicely—it was the best I’ve ever heard you...I guess I’m...I’m just proud of you, that’s all.”_ _ _ _

____“Oh…um…that’s...” Wonho found himself stuttering for what felt like hours. His heart was beating faster than it did during dance practice. At this point in his idol career, he was used to compliments but why now of all times did it suddenly feel like his face was on fire? “Thanks…” he struggled to get out. Exactly who here is the maknae and who is the hyung?_ _ _ _

____“Yeah,” Changkyun left their brief eye contact, “Anyways, that’s all I wanted to say so...good night.”_ _ _ _

____“Good night.” On the struggle back to his studio, he annoyingly questioned whether saying ‘good night’ was a decent response seeing as he’d already said it earlier. Did Changkyun notice? He probably did. Oh, man, he closed his eyes with regret._ _ _ _

____ _ _

____“Let’s take a ten-minute break,” Shownu announced. All of them were sweating profusely and breathing hard enough that their chests were visibly pumping up and down. Wonho scrambled his way to the floor and collapsed. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d danced this vigorously. All of them seemed to be anxious and excited for the “Beautiful” comeback; it felt like they were back in “Trespass” era._ _ _ _

____“Hyung.” Wonho looked up and found a water bottle in his face. He thanked Hyungwon before grabbing it and taking a long chug. When he finally came up for air again, the feeling of fatigue quickly disappeared and was replaced with envy at the sight of Kihyun patting Changkyun’s sweaty back. Wonho wiped the water dribbling from the corner of his mouth._ _ _ _

____“You ok, Changkyun-ah?” Kihyun asked, half-laughing before throwing a towel around his neck. He continued to naturally comfort the exhausted maknae whose back was turned. Wonho looked down, embarrassed that he was feeling such trivial things at a time like this._ _ _ _

____“What’s up?” Minhyuk approached him and sprawled on the floor next to him._ _ _ _

____“Ah, you’re getting sweat all over the floor,” Hyungwon nagged, “What if we slip on it and break something?”_ _ _ _

____“I’ll clean it with a towel afterwards.”_ _ _ _

____“You better.” The two continued to bicker but Wonho had already zoned out. His gaze went back to Changkyun who seemed to still be regaining his breath. Did he need water? Fresh air? Did he need to lie down? Wonho found himself wanting to do something but he couldn’t bring himself to move. He’s probably fine…and even if he’s not, he has Kihyun…and now Jooheon. See? He doesn’t need me. Wonho watched bitterly as Jooheon went over to Changkyun and gave him a water bottle. He regretted not doing it first when he heard Changkyun’s adorable, “Thank you, hyung.”_ _ _ _

____“Ok, let’s go again,” Shownu announced—interrupting his jealous thoughts, “From the second verse.”_ _ _ _

____Wonho found his way to Changkyun’s heated back; his palm pressed lightly against his shoulder blade. He blushed at how damp his shirt was from the sweat. As “Beautiful” ended, he couldn’t help but keep his hand lingering just a bit longer. However, as their “rose bush” began to come apart, he immediately pulled back his arm. With that, Shownu announced the end of practice for the day._ _ _ _

____When he exited the shower, he heard Kihyun’s mom voice speaking to someone. He immediately stopped walking._ _ _ _

____“Changkyun-ah, you didn’t button your shirt properly,” Kihyun said with a laugh._ _ _ _

____“Oh, guess I didn’t notice.” Wonho swallowed down the irritating jealousy that continued to crawl up his stomach; he tightened his grip on the towel around his neck and tried to walk passed the two of them._ _ _ _

____“Wonho-hyung,” Kihyun unfortunately called out to him before he could leave._ _ _ _

____“What?” The hamster’s eyes were wide with innocence when Wonho met his gaze. Immediately, he felt guilty for feeling so bitter and cold over something so dumb._ _ _ _

____“Did manager-hyung talk to you—about the world tour after the comeback?” he asked._ _ _ _

____“Yeah,” he nodded. “He said he’ll go over our schedule when we all have time.”_ _ _ _

____“Ok, cool,” Kihyun rubbed the back of his head nervously—obviously sensing his uncommon and unpleasant vibe, “So…what did you want for dinner? I’m asking everyone.”_ _ _ _

____“Are we going out to eat or are you cooking?”_ _ _ _

____“Either one,” he shrugged, “Uh, we could order something, too.”_ _ _ _

____“Anything’s fine,” Wonho readjusted the towel. He was trying his best not to look at Changkyun who was standing only a few feet from him. If he did, he would only feel guilty for his impure feelings towards him._ _ _ _

____“Changkyunnie,” Kihyun said, “Could you give us a moment?” Without saying anything, Changkyun politely returned to the room he shared with Jooheon, Kihyun, and Minhyuk._ _ _ _

____“What is it?” Wonho immediately said after he left._ _ _ _

____“It’s nothing, hyung,” he shook his head, “I just want to know if you’re ok.”_ _ _ _

____“I’m absolutely fine.”_ _ _ _

____“And the longing looks you keep giving him when he’s not looking…?”_ _ _ _

____“Are temporary,” his gaze fell to the floor, “I’ll get over it.”_ _ _ _

____“Wonho-hyung…”_ _ _ _

____“I don’t like bringing these sorts of things into the spotlight,” he licked his lips, “I’ll deal with my problems on my own so there’s no need for you to worry.” He left before Kihyun could confront him with his own feelings yet again. It was better if he kept this inside—even if it burdened himself. As long as Monsta X did not suffer from these selfish feelings—no matter how tempting it may be to give into them—then he could find a way to be content._ _ _ _

____ _ _

____“Nice work, hyung! They liked your recordings so much that it didn’t require more than two takes! We can go home early!” Minhyuk declared after their last recording for the album. He smiled happily like he was the sun itself before massaging Wonho’s shoulders._ _ _ _

____“We all worked hard,” Wonho announced. Hyungwon grabbed his leather bag from the chair and handed it to him._ _ _ _

____“Does that mean we can go eat shrimp?”_ _ _ _

____“Yeah,” he laughed, “Of course that’s what it means.” The three of them walked outside of the building and began heading towards the van._ _ _ _

____“I don’t get it,” Minhyuk sighed, “How do we stay in Monbebes’ hearts if we’re away from them for so long?”_ _ _ _

____“They’ll remember us,” Wonho assured him. “Just like we remember them.” Just as Hyungwon’s stomach growled, Wonho felt a cold droplet of rain fall onto his cheek—causing him to flinch._ _ _ _

____“Ah, please!” Minhyuk complained noisily, “I just bought this shirt a week ago!” They rushed to the car but kind Wonho was already soaked by then because he let the other two go into the car first. He shook out his wet hair and brushed his fingers through it. A blonde color from the hair dye stained his hand._ _ _ _

____“Maybe we should change into dry clothes before we go to the restaurant,” Minhyuk suggested._ _ _ _

____“It’s just water,” Hyungwon said, clearly hungrier than the other two._ _ _ _

____“But hyung is soaked!”_ _ _ _

____“I’m fine,” Wonho smiled, despite already beginning to shake from the cold, “It’ll dry.”_ _ _ _

____“Are you sure?” Manager-hyung asked, “I can drop you off so you can change.”_ _ _ _

____“Ah, but I’m so hungry,” Hyungwon complained droopily. Wonho looked down at his wet clothes; he knew he’d get sick if he stayed like this any longer. But he didn’t want to inconvenience the others. “Our building is just a few blocks away,” he said, “I’ll walk home and change…manager-hyung can come pick me up when I’ve dried up.”_ _ _ _

____“Wonho-hyung…” Minhyuk’s eyebrows creased together in concern._ _ _ _

____“Besides, I like being in the rain anyway,” he said. Before the other two could protest, he opened the car door and stepped outside. The cool rain touched his sensitive skin in merciless yet pleasant drops. Without a second thought, he began walking—his hands in his pockets. Even if he was in risk of a cold, he wanted a moment to himself. With every day that passed with stress and exhaustion, the “Beautiful” comeback was just getting closer and closer. He didn’t believe the day would come. He’d finally finished his assistance in all the new songs; their recordings were done, and so was the music video. Now all they needed was to perfect their dances for KCON and the comeback, attend some variety shows, do one or two more photoshoots, and they were set to meet Monbebe again. He let out a sigh of relief as he stared up at the grey sky. It felt like forever since he’d last laughed without worrying or second guessing what he was doing. He hadn’t felt like himself at all the past couple months._ _ _ _

____As he approached the building, the rain was slightly beginning to subside but that didn’t change the fact that he was soaked to the bone. He quickly raced to the side door to hide underneath the overhang but stopped when he found Changkyun sitting on the front steps. His knees were pressed against his chest and he looked like a puppy that’d been abandoned in the rain._ _ _ _

____“Changkyunnie?” He gasped loudly, pushing his wet bangs from his eyes in disbelief, “What are you doing here?”_ _ _ _

____“Wonho-hyung!” The maknae looked relieved—and adorable—to see Wonho. He stood up quickly and nearly tripped, “Manager-hyung dropped me off ‘cause I didn’t feel well.”_ _ _ _

____“And you accidently left your key at the dance studio?”_ _ _ _

____“Yeah.” Wonho—suddenly feeling happy and light from being in Changkyun’s presence—jokingly pretended to be a disappointed hyung._ _ _ _

____“Ah, this is what happens when you don’t act responsibly,” he said, shaking his head, “Leave it to hyung to take care of you.” He took out his key and began unlocking the door._ _ _ _

____“Then I’ll leave myself in your hands,” Changkyun joked back. Wonho actually liked the sound of that but he didn’t bother saying anything lest something irresponsible would come out._ _ _ _

____“What about you, hyung?” the maknae asked, shaking off his wet shoes. “Why did you come home early?” Because I wanted to properly collect myself without inconveniencing anyone._ _ _ _

____“Hyungwon and Minhyuk wanted to go eat,” he lied, “Just wasn’t hungry I guess.”_ _ _ _

____“What? We’re always hungry,” I.M laughed softly. But then he seemed to realize Wonho’s reasons were his own. “Ah…anyways, I’m gonna make some ramen or something. Do you want any?” Wonho gulped nervously at the thought of Changkyun challenging him—even as the maknae._ _ _ _

____“Yeah,” he nodded. “Let me take a shower first.” He rushed to the bathroom and peeled off his wet clothes, all the while thinking about the fact that he and Changkyun were finally having dinner together for the first time. Even if it was just a ramen cup, something about it felt special. He could feel his heart beginning to race every time he thought about the possible conversations they could have and if they could talk about serious things—the deep things that not even Changkyun and Jooheon talked about. Then his heart slowed down when he was concentrated on washing his hair or feet and immediately pick up the pace again when he thought about Changkyun’s smile and the possibility of him making him laugh and forget his troubles even for just a second._ _ _ _

____Unfortunately, that was not the case. By the time, he was finished with the shower, the others had already come home. Wonho tried to fight down the tight knot of regret in his stomach. Damn his need to take hour-long showers! He walked into the kitchen to find the two cups of ramen on the table. But Changkyun was nowhere to be found. The other members were rustling around in their rooms and already playing their music loudly in the background but all Wonho could think about was the loss of the potential moment they could’ve had together. Would it have been the conversation that broke down all the awkward walls between them? Would it had changed their relationship entirely? Would Changkyun finally open up to him? And he, in return, would no longer hold back the things he felt?_ _ _ _

____He shook his head at the ridiculous thought._ _ _ _

____“Sorry, hyung, I had to upload a few of my songs onto my SoundCloud,” Changkyun suddenly appeared and took the seat across from him, “Uh, last time it took too long to upload and I stayed up all night waiting…”_ _ _ _

____“Oh…it’s fine…” Wonho nervously looked up to meet his eyes and then looked back down. He grabbed the chopsticks the maknae provided and began stirring the noodles._ _ _ _

____“Looks like the others came home,” Changkyun observed. He was being more talkative than usual; it felt as though he were trying really hard to keep Wonho’s attention on him less the unsteady hyung may start overthinking and making their atmosphere even more awkward._ _ _ _

____“Yeah,” Wonho twisted the ramen and blew on it, “Seems they’re just gonna go straight to bed after eating.”_ _ _ _

____“We’re the only ones that didn’t go to a restaurant.” This is enough, Wonho thought, having you acknowledge that we have something special—no matter how small—something similar between us…it makes me so happy._ _ _ _

____“Changkyun’s ramen is better than a restaurant,” he said with a straight face before piling the noodles into his mouth. His heart felt light after he saw Changkyun’s smile._ _ _ _

____“I just put hot water in a cup, hyung.” Wonho hid his own smile underneath his vicious gobbling. He continued to eat as a distraction from meeting the maknae’s eyes until Changkyun said—with an innocent laugh— “I thought you weren’t hungry.” At this, Wonho finally glanced at him; he wanted to say something funny or even something that consisted of another lie but he couldn’t decide on either._ _ _ _

____“You never called manager-hyung to come pick you up,” Minhyuk suddenly appeared from behind him. Ah, leave it to this guy to mess up the flow. Wonho slightly turned his head before resuming his eating._ _ _ _

____“I didn’t want to keep you guys waiting anyway,” he said, “Not like that seafood-head Hyungwon would’ve waited though.”_ _ _ _

____“Yeah, you’re right; we were way too hungry,” he shrugged, “Well, whatever. You’re eating now already; that’s good.”_ _ _ _

____“Yeah.”_ _ _ _

____“With…our maknae no less,” As though he’d just noticed Changkyun’s presence, Minhyuk’s voice suddenly sounded accusatory and suspicious—making the atmosphere turn into that awkwardness Wonho had initially wanted to avoid. All he wanted to do now was run from it._ _ _ _

____“Hyung, are you feeling alright?” Changkyun asked, noticing the uncomfortable emotion on his face. Wonho nodded,_ _ _ _

____“Yeah…yeah, I’m fine,” he reassured him. “But you should go work on your SoundCloud…I’ll eat this in my studio.”_ _ _ _

____“What?”_ _ _ _

____“The album is done,” Minhyuk pointed out the obvious, “You don’t need to close yourself off and work on your songs anymore.”_ _ _ _

____“I don’t…close myself off.” He suddenly felt as though he was being accused of something he didn’t do. He stood from his chair, embarrassed, “Sometimes, I just like to be alone, is that so wrong?”_ _ _ _

____“Hyung, don’t get mad, come on.” Minhyuk rubbed his back—attempting to calm him down, “Our maknae made this just for you and you’re gonna make him eat alone?” Guilt suddenly tightened inside his stomach; his eyes went to Changkyun who was looking at him with both confusion and concern. It wasn’t as though he wanted to abandon him; it was actually quite the opposite. He’d wanted to be alone with Changkyun—even if it was spent in awkward silence. But now he was faced with the realization that his feelings were real and that made him more afraid than anything._ _ _ _

____“Changkyunnie,” he said._ _ _ _

____“Yeah?” The maknae’s eyes lit up at being called upon. Wonho grabbed his chopsticks._ _ _ _

____“Wanna eat in your studio?”_ _ _ _

____“Together?”_ _ _ _

____“Yeah.” Changkyun’s eyes went from Wonho to Minhyuk before replying,_ _ _ _

____“Ok…” Wonho ignored Minhyuk attempting to hold back his giant, amused smile as they gathered their ramen and headed towards rapper I.M’s private room. The guy was too chatty and mischievous; if Wonho wasn’t careful, Minhyuk would have him confessing his love before the sun went down._ _ _ _

____“Are you upset with Minhyuk-hyung?” Changkyun asked as they walked down the long hallway._ _ _ _

____“No, the guy’s harmless. I just…needed to get away from him for a little bit.” He felt more at ease at the appearance of Changkyun’s smile. When they arrived outside Changkyun’s studio door, Wonho suddenly felt nervous; his skin became heated with embarrassment and anticipation; and his hands began to shake—causing his ramen to slightly spill._ _ _ _

____“Ah, sorry it’s kinda messy in here,” Changkyun said after he unlocked the door and pushed it open. His studio was empty and dark—but cozy, private, and quiet. It was the opposite of Wonho’s bright and cluttered studio. Directly in front of him was Changkyun’s futon and heater. There was a shelf on the left wall with a few trinkets and books; the light from Changkyun’s laptop brightly glowed on his desk. When Wonho stepped inside, he felt as though he was enveloped in Changkyun’s soul. He’s letting me into the special place where he works and does what he loves the most; Damn it…I’m so happy._ _ _ _

____He sat down on the futon and began scooping the noodles back into his mouth—not realizing how hungry he was._ _ _ _

____“How did recording go today, hyung?” Changkyun asked after taking a seat at his desk. Wonho chewed and swallowed quickly._ _ _ _

____“The sound managers really helped me out,” he said. “I…I think knowing the album is almost complete…it helped me.”_ _ _ _

____“You’ve been under a lot of pressure, huh?”_ _ _ _

____“All of us have; I have no right to complain.” Wonho stirred his noodles to keep himself occupied, causing steam to hit his face._ _ _ _

____“It’s our first album with your compositions…of course you’d feel a little stressed.”_ _ _ _

____“I was supposed to be prepared for stuff like this, Changkyunnie…” he shook his head, “Making songs—sharing my music with people…it’s why I wanted to debut. But now that I’m finally given this chance…it’s like I forgot…I forgot the feelings I had back then…I became scared…”_ _ _ _

____“Scared?”_ _ _ _

____“Will Monbebe like it? Will any of the songs be good enough? Am I good enough? I kept asking myself these things…doubting myself…” he let go of his chopsticks and wiped the sweat from his nose, “I shouldn’t have let the pressure get to me…but it did.”_ _ _ _

____“That doesn’t sound like you, hyung.”_ _ _ _

____“I know…” he drummed his fingers against the Styrofoam cup, “I feel like I need to find myself again…”_ _ _ _

____“Well, if you need any help…I’m here,” Changkyun smiled at him before returning his focus to the ramen cup. Wonho knew the maknae was only saying this to make him feel better but he felt happy about it nonetheless. He looked down at the noodles that were becoming big from sitting out for so long._ _ _ _

____“Hey, Changkyunnie. We’ve never gone out to eat together, have we?”_ _ _ _

____“Don’t think so.”_ _ _ _

____“We should…just the two of us. I’ll pay.”_ _ _ _

____“Shouldn’t I, as the younger one, be treating you?” Wonho laughed at the polite language he used. He’d almost forgotten how they were supposed to act around one another._ _ _ _

____“Alright, we’ll figure that out later but the important thing is that we should do it…” Changkyun smiled,_ _ _ _

____“Sure, hyung…just let me know when you want to.”_ _ _ _

____“Why are you putting it all on me?” Wonho laughed, his low voice resonating in that natural manner that felt more like his own. “We both just have to be free.”_ _ _ _

____“And hungry…”_ _ _ _

____“Well, like you said earlier—we’re always hungry, right?”_ _ _ _

____“Right.” Wonho stood from the couch and held out his hand._ _ _ _

____“You gotta promise me we’ll do it sometime.”_ _ _ _

____“Seriously?”_ _ _ _

____“Of course; I don’t want this conversation to be just empty words.” He nudged his chin, “Let’s shake on it.” Changkyun looked amused at his over-the-top serious face that was intended to be a joke but Wonho wondered if half of his commitment was real. He hadn’t realized how much he wanted this until now. The maknae sighed before slipping his hand into Wonho’s._ _ _ _

____“Alright, hyung whatever you say.” Wonho always knew Changkyun’s hand was smooth and soft and seemed to fit perfectly into his own but now—with his feelings finally realized—he wanted to hold onto it forever. He cupped his other hand over their connection—enclosing the heat between them._ _ _ _

____ _ _

____Wonho was walking home from the store a couple days later; that was when he saw Kihyun and Changkyun standing a few feet from their house. They were simply talking and laughing together—the most common scene one could come across. It looked like they also went to buy groceries together. For some reason, Wonho felt more uncomfortable than usual at this display. After so many times seeing their natural, brotherly bond, he couldn’t help but wonder. Was Kihyun doing this on purpose just to spite him? Was he rubbing it into his face subconsciously that he could get along with Changkyun better and more easily than he did? Wonho grinded his back teeth in irritation; he hated himself for thinking the worse of his brother out of pure jealously. Why did he have to have these possessive feelings? He’d always thought of himself as someone who could love everyone equally without ill feelings or judgement. But now he only saw himself as someone that was petty and jealous; he wanted Changkyun so badly, he didn’t care about anything else._ _ _ _

____When he saw Kihyun rubbing Changkyun’s shoulder and laughing loudly, he suddenly felt a new, queasy and unpleasant sensation. He’d never felt such a thing before—that feeling of helplessness and loss of something he’d never had. The realization hit him hard and mercilessly. Was Changkyun’s heart already elsewhere? Even though Wonho already knew his feelings were futile from the beginning, he felt as though his heart had been broken—as though something had slipped through his fingers._ _ _ _

____Changkyun was already in the house by the time Wonho approached. Kihyun looked surprised to see him._ _ _ _

____“Hyung? What’s wrong?” he immediately asked, already reading the disappointment on Wonho’s face._ _ _ _

____“I’m gonna ask you something, Kihyun,” he said, “And I want an honest answer.”_ _ _ _

____“What are you talking about?”_ _ _ _

____Wonho scoffed at what he assumed was an act, “When you came and talked to me about my feelings…were you just humoring me?”_ _ _ _

____“Huh?”_ _ _ _

____“I didn’t think anything like this was possible but…I’m not mad at you for what you feel—or what he feels for that matter. I’m just mad that you didn’t tell me first hand. Don’t you think I deserve to know the truth?”_ _ _ _

____“Hyung, I have no idea what you’re saying--”_ _ _ _

____“You’re dating, aren’t you? You and Changkyun.” Kihyun’s eyebrows furrowed in confusion._ _ _ _

____“Are you serious?”_ _ _ _

____“Do I look like I’m joking around?”_ _ _ _

____“We’re not dating, Wonho-hyung.”_ _ _ _

____“I told you I wanted an honest answer.”_ _ _ _

____“I am being honest, you idiot.” Kihyun’s attitude suddenly shifted; now he was offended by Wonho’s accusation and not the least bit apologetic about expressing it. “First of all, if we were dating I’m pretty sure all the members would know by now, and secondly, do you really think of me as the type of person that would pretend to encourage your feelings just to laugh at you? What the hell is going on with you, hyung? Instead of worrying about me and being jealous of everyone that he talks to, why don’t you just face what you’re feeling and tell him you want to be with him?” Wonho suddenly felt like an idiot. No, he was a fool—a fool in love._ _ _ _

____“You…you say that like it’s so damn easy.” His grip tightened on the bags of groceries, “Even if he shares the same feelings as I do…do you know what’ll happen to us if anyone finds out? The second a camera came before us, we stepped onto minefield. He worked so hard to get here…I can’t…I can’t do that to him…to all of us.”_ _ _ _

____“Even if telling him will make you happy?”_ _ _ _

____“My happiness isn’t worth much compared to Monsta X’s.” he licked his lips nervously, “I’m sorry for accusing you…I was…I didn’t think I was a jealous person but…but he makes me feel these things…things I’ve never felt before. And I’m scared…of what they could do to me.”_ _ _ _

____“Hyung…this isn’t good for you—holding back like it’s wrong to love someone. You of all people—as our internet novel romantic—should know love isn’t supposed to be like this.”_ _ _ _

____“I can’t say I’m in love with him…” he said; a tightness suddenly bit at his chest, “That’ll make it too real.”_ _ _ _

____“Then, whatever it is, I’m sure he—or Monbebe for that matter—wouldn’t want you to be afraid of it.” Wonho glanced at the cement ground; he couldn’t believe he was talking to Kihyun about this like it was the most common thing. He wondered if other idols part of other groups out there ever had to deal with something inappropriate like this._ _ _ _

____“How can you be so certain about what I should do?” he asked. “It’s not like you’re in love with someone, too.”_ _ _ _

____“I’m not?”_ _ _ _

____“Wait…” he eyebrows lifted, “You’re dating someone?”_ _ _ _

____“Maybe.”_ _ _ _

____“Do I know her?”_ _ _ _

____“Um…I’d say you do.”_ _ _ _

____“You’re not gonna tell me who it is, are you?”_ _ _ _

____Kihyun shrugged, “I’ll tell you when you’re more stable. Right now, I feel like you’ll punch me if I say anything wrong.”_ _ _ _

____“It’s been a long couple weeks,” Wonho said, “I’ll be more stable when we see Monbebe again.” Kihyun smiled and patted him on the shoulder,_ _ _ _

____“I’ll hold you to that, hyung.”_ _ _ _

____ _ _

____The practice room echoed with the hard beats of “Beautiful.” Wonho felt more energized than usual—mostly from the fact that they were going to have their comeback soon. He could be loved and adored—validated for what he’d worked so hard for. Only when their song reached the instrumental dance break did he feel a heavy tear in his ankle. Before he knew it, he had fallen over and was clutching onto his leg._ _ _ _

____“Hyung,” Jooheon knelt down next to him, “You ok?” The music was turned off a moment later and they were suddenly concerned with the fact that he couldn’t stand back up again. Wonho gripped onto his ankle; his entire body was shaking from their highly committed dancing. He wiped the sweat from his forehead with the back of his arm._ _ _ _

____“I think it’s just a sprain,” he tried to reassure them. “I don’t want to stall practice though. You guys should continue…”_ _ _ _

____“Have manager-hyung take you to the hospital to get it checked at least,” Shownu said. Wonho only agreed if it meant he wasn’t inconveniencing anyone else. He managed to stand with the assistance of Jooheon and Changkyun. They helped him sit down on the bench as the others started to practice once more._ _ _ _

____“I called the manager for you,” Kihyun told him, “He’ll be here in a couple minutes.”_ _ _ _

____“Thanks,” Wonho nodded._ _ _ _

____“I hope it’s nothing serious,” Jooheon said, his mouth tightened enough for his dimples to show._ _ _ _

____“Don’t worry,” Wonho licked his lips and tasted the salt from his sweat, “We have KCON Mexico in a week. I’m not gonna be sitting out on that.”_ _ _ _

____“Your health is more important than being on stage,” Changkyun suddenly said; then his voice got quieter as though he’d suddenly remembered where his place was as the maknae, “Don’t strain yourself for the sake of something like that. Monbebe will still be there when you get better.”_ _ _ _

____“Is that what you told yourself when you got injured?” Wonho asked. It wasn’t meant to be mean but his voice sounded angry and impatient—as though he was annoyed with Changkyun for forcing him to have these unfamiliar feelings of romance and desire._ _ _ _

____“I…of course I wanted to be on stage, too…” the maknae said innocently; he looked more like a baby than usual and Wonho felt guilty for raising his voice when he himself was the one that did wrong. Changkyun’s hand was on his knee—which Wonho hadn’t noticed until he nervously began playing with the frills of his ripped jeans, “But…don’t you think Monbebe would want to see you in good health?” He felt a strange heat climbing up the back of his neck; by now—after almost two years—he was used to being touched by this guy. In fact, all of them were affectionate and loving—enough that there was no shame in physically expressing it. But it felt different this time; Wonho didn’t want to admit it because he knew that would only scare him more. But it was there; he felt it—that same feeling young school girls felt when the guy they had a crush on held their hand for the first time._ _ _ _

____When Wonho found his idiotic mouth too incompetent to say something, the two maknaes patted him on the back and returned to their practice. The others reset their formation without him and continued where they left off. Wonho was still left blind-sighted by his own behavior towards the maknae. He’d acted like a child—immature, rude…impetuous. That wasn’t like him at all. And simply because of Changkyun’s fingers nearly touching his own skin, he’d almost forgotten about the pain on his ankle. What was becoming of him? He’d never truly been in love before; he didn’t know how to handle this—these emotions. It was throwing him off more than he knew. And he began to dread the thought of holding back for the rest of his career as a member of Monsta X—and possibly for the rest of his life. How much longer could he do this? Could he really live on without ever telling Changkyun how he felt? These unsteady feelings were bubbling up inside him—destructive chemicals just waiting to explode. If he didn’t get a better hold of himself—if he let his control slip through his fingers—it was almost certain he’d do something he’d regret._ _ _ _

____Fortunately, the injury was not as severe as it felt. He could participate in KCON’s activities and in the upcoming comeback as well. Wonho was grateful; but now he was more aware than ever how quickly something he wanted so badly could disappear in the blink of an eye. It was painful to dance with his swollen ankle; a bruise formed around the area that throbbed the most. He tried to ignore it and bask in the fact that they were finally on stage again but there was no denying the pain. He’d need to keep his weight off it if he wanted to make it through the “Beautiful” promotions. Mexico Monbebe were excited to see them; their screams had been so loud that it made Wonho forget the troubles that’d weighed so heavily on his heart. For the moment, he danced and sang like he once had. But when I.M rapped his part during “White Sugar” without giving him so much as a glance, the pain came back. And he was, once again, reminded that he was just a man—one that wanted to be loved and cherished for the whole person that he was—including his flaws and insecurities._ _ _ _

____The night after they came back from Mexico, he had a dream about Changkyun. They were on Music Bank and standing right at the front of the stage—finally one of the two finalists for first place. When, the MC announced Monsta X as the winner, the white confetti immediately came down and “Beautiful” played proudly in the background. As the other members celebrated around him, he could only stand there in disbelief. They were all too happy and relieved to notice he’d been standing there—the sentimental Wonho-hyung who’s head, and more so who’s heart, was already running a hundred miles faster than the others. We did it, he thought. Our hard work finally paid off. Before he knew it, a tear ran down his cheek. A sudden feeling of Déjà Vu hit him; that was when he finally realized it was a dream. Unfortunately, that was also the moment when he felt Changkyun’s arm around his shoulders. The maknae familiarly pulled him closer and gently rubbed his bicep to comfort him. Wonho nearly gave into his soft touch as he leaned in and wiped the tears from his cheeks. Only his conscience knew better._ _ _ _

____He quickly sat up in his bed as though the smarter part of his mind had yanked him upwards. The warm feeling of Changkyun’s affection quickly grew cold as he gradually sunk back into the real world. Guilt pinched beneath his abs at the thought of Changkyun—or any of the other members for that matter—finding out what he’d just dreamt of. Wonho ran his fingers through his now damp hair and sighed deeply. After being on stage again, he thought he was officially done with these restless nights. Needless to say, it was disappointing to find his situation was anything but. That dream…he thought, it was a memory…or it was based off of one…He bit his lip nervously as he remembered the night he’d cried in front of millions of fans and other idols—including Big Bang senior. He’d felt so grateful in that moment; because for a long time in his past life, he’d felt so alone and unloved—incapable of seeking out the things he truly wanted. But when he stood before those that loved him and alongside the boys that fought with and cared for him—he was hit with too much love that he didn’t know what else to do. And who else but Changkyun was there to wipe his tears and caress his hand. Wonho hadn’t realized it back then due to the blurriness of his vision and the initial wave of shock, but his heart must’ve have been pounding loudly and more rapidly than ever before. To have been comforted by someone who knew nothing of the man he was back then—someone who took him wholeheartedly—even the childish parts that begged for attention by teasing him nonstop and the irrational parts that took certain things too seriously—it made him even happier than the two seconds ago when they’d won that award._ _ _ _

____ _ _

____It was finally the night before the comeback. Wonho finished listening to the album one last time before closing the pink box and placing it on the shelf alongside the other copies of their mini-albums. He wasn’t even sure if he would be able to finally sleep tonight. But at least it was excitement that was keeping him up this time and not anxiety. He wanted so badly for Monbebe to listen to their songs and to like them; they worked too hard for this._ _ _ _

____He found the others already gathering around the dinner table. It’d been a long time since they all ate together. Wonho had almost forgotten what it felt like to be a family with these guys. He took a seat next to Kihyun and Minhyuk. Across from him was Jooheon and Changkyun who were already quietly talking to each other in what seemed like another language. Once again, Wonho had to swallow down his jealousy. It was Monsta X’s night—not his. He wasn’t going to let something like this bother him._ _ _ _

____“Wah, you got black bean noodles?” he said, his eyes wide, “I was craving that this morning.”_ _ _ _

____“Manager-hyung said we could order whatever we wanted,” Minhyuk told him. “Did you want to eat anything else?” Wonho was already grabbing the noodles with his chopsticks and putting them into his small bowl. He shook his head, too hungry to reply. The others joined him in the feasting; they were all in the same frequency of accepting this reward for their months of hard work. As he sat there eating alongside his brothers, he felt a certain warmth inside his chest. After meeting with Monbebe through vlive a couple times, being on stage again, and finally being able to relax and eat, he could finally admit that he was happy. I can do this, he thought boldly, even if Changkyun will never know how I feel—even if he can’t or won’t return my feelings, I know I can go on just as I’ve done before._ _ _ _

____ _ _

____“Good work!” They shouted out before bowing towards the camera crew. They’d just finished their comeback show and were now on their way home. As he walked to the changing room, he couldn’t help but wonder how many Monbebe were out there currently listening to their songs—listening to the music he’d composed. It took everything in him to fight a smile. He quickly changed into his casual clothes and joined the others in the van. When his knee lightly knocked against Changkyun’s, he was almost reminded of the heartache he was feeling but when he looked up and met the maknae’s shy gaze, he could only return the smile birthed from the excitement of their long-awaited comeback._ _ _ _

____The next day, he was scheduled to have his hair re-dyed before their comeback stage. Afterwards, they drove out to MCountdown for the rehearsal and filming. Wonho could feel the excitement in his gut at the thought of Monbebe waiting for them. After getting ready for the special stage, he headed out into the lobby for a snack from the vending machine. That was when he saw Changkyun talking on the manager’s phone with someone. His first instinct was to hide but he knew that would’ve made him more conspicuous. He casually walked up to the machine, nodding nonchalantly at Changkyun before selecting the snack he wanted._ _ _ _

____“Ah, yeah…our comeback stage is tonight,” he heard the maknae say in a low, gloomy tone. Wonho picked up the plastic bag and opened it. When he heard Changkyun hang up, he offered the bag towards him._ _ _ _

____“Everything ok?” he asked. The maknae looked a bit shaken—his mood clearly changed—after that phone call but he quickly masked his troubles in front of Wonho._ _ _ _

____“Yeah...” he responded before taking a handful, “Thanks, hyung.” Before Wonho could say something else, the stage manager called them together. He was still concerned with the look he saw on Changkyun’s face. Who had he been talking to and what made him so upset? He couldn’t believe that in the course of a few seconds, his mood had changed from being excited to being concerned simply because of Changkyun. Wonho tried to concentrate on what was in front of him—that they were finally going on stage again after months of hiatus—but he couldn’t deny that he wanted to know what Changkyun was thinking and feeling at the moment and why; he wanted to hold his hand and to comfort him if he needed it—and even if he didn’t._ _ _ _

____Before he knew it, they were performing in front of their Monbebe. They greeted themselves and expressed how much they missed them. For the moment, Wonho was in a haze of innocent bliss. Ah, so this is what makes it all worth it, he thought as he stood before their fans. He was reminded of the first time they performed in front of a cheering audience—one that came just for them. Their chants filled his heart with a rare joy that could only come from Monbebe. Wonho forgot about the stress and the pressure—his doubts and his insecurities—the questions that kept him up at night. He was just happy and pure and free…and he knew he was finally back to his best form of being the Wonho of Monsta X._ _ _ _

____When he saw the love and adoration reflected in Monbebes’ eyes, his inner romantic came out. A sudden urge inside his stomach made him want to love someone. Someone? Changkyunnie. Out of sentiment alone, he looked over at the maknae as they eagerly greeted Monbebe. Wonho was suddenly desperate to hold onto him and kiss him. He wanted to see a similar love in Changkyun’s eyes—a love that could only be custom-made for him. The maknae was smiling that irresistible and sweet smile that made Wonho’s heart skip multiple beats. He was giving small waves to Monbebe and even making direct eye contact with some of them. Despite both of them being idols molded and trained to swoon the hearts of young women, Wonho found himself blushing from Changkyun’s charm. He imagined being in the position of one of the Monbebe watching them—a girl that loved Changkyun so much but could never truly have him. It filled Wonho with mixed emotions—half consisting of his own love for the maknae and of his own melancholy of never being able to be with him. He suddenly thought about what Kihyun had said to him. He’d been willing to give up his happiness for the sake of Monsta X. But was there no scenario where he could have both? Somehow, Monbebe gave him the strength to believe he could. They loved him and took him just as he was; surely, they’d be happy and support him if he went after his own happiness._ _ _ _

____They did the rehearsal performance for “Ready or Not” and were already onto the final take of “Beautiful” before he could stop and think about what was happening. He didn’t think he could be filled with any more love but when he touched Changkyun’s back at the end of “Beautiful,” he was overwhelmed with warmth. After the lights dimmed, he playfully placed his hand on Changkyun’s neck—despite knowing the maknae hated when he did that. Wonho anticipated his reaction and was pleased when he saw his small, breathless smile._ _ _ _

____ _ _

____“Bye, Monbebe! Be careful on your way home, ok?” He waved at them before going down the steps. Sweat traveled down his neck and back as he walked to the changing room. Their stylists and assistants helped them out of their mics, wires and stage outfits. Wonho always seemed to be entangled in the wires regardless of how careful he was on stage. He pulled off his jacket and allowed the assistant to detangle him._ _ _ _

____“Where’s Changkyun?” Jooheon asked frantically, cooling his forehead with a wet towel._ _ _ _

____“What do you mean?” Kihyun pulled his shirt over his head, “He was right behind us.” Wonho looked around him and noticed that they were indeed one member short._ _ _ _

____“I’ll see if he’s in the bathroom,” he volunteered before running off in search of the maknae. He didn’t know why he desired to find him so badly; but after the romance of the night, he felt the need to embrace Changkyun as though it would confirm the surreal contentment he felt—and keep it as a flickering light that would never go out._ _ _ _

____“Changkyun-ah?” he called out when he went into the bathroom, “Are you in here?” After no response, he washed his hands and splashed water onto his hot face and neck. He let out a heavy breath—embarrassed of his enthusiasm; he’d always been one to act with his heart rather than his head but he didn’t expect that fact to propel him into doing something this stupid. He wanted to tell Changkyun how he felt—he wanted Changkyun to make him happy just as Monbebe had. Wonho was disappointed at the fluttering selfish desire in his chest; he knew the costs yet he wanted that for himself—to have Changkyun caress him and treat him specially._ _ _ _

____“Hyung…” Wonho looked up and saw Changkyun standing behind him in the mirror. He uttered distorted sounds of babble, his hand on his pounding chest._ _ _ _

____“You scared me…I was…I was looking for you,” he said; then he quickly covered up his tracks, “Jooheon was worried.”_ _ _ _

____“Sorry, I…I had to make a phone call.”_ _ _ _

____“Oh…” The bathroom fell quiet save for the humming of the air conditioner. He looked to the floor to avoid Changkyun’s gaze and it seemed the maknae was doing the same. At that moment, more than anything, Wonho wanted to tell him he loved him but he knew it wasn’t the right time or place. He shifted uncomfortably before nervously pulling the sleeve of his shirt around his elbow._ _ _ _

____“We should get going,” Changkyun suddenly said. On instinct, Wonho responded—afraid of what would happen if he went another moment without letting Changkyun know how he felt._ _ _ _

____“Ah…um…” But then his voice became meek—stuck in his throat due to his fear of Changkyun’s reaction._ _ _ _

____“What is it?” Changkyun asked, his eyebrows lifted. Wonho gulped nervously, knowing there was no point in backing out now._ _ _ _

____“Can I…can I talk to you later? In my studio?” he managed to ask, his hands and fingers tingling with nerves._ _ _ _

____“Huh? Uh, sure…” he cleared his throat before laughing softly, “Why so suddenly?”_ _ _ _

____“I just…” Wonho played with the button on his sleeve, “Monbebe made me realize something…” he smiled to himself, “Come on, let’s go.”_ _ _ _

____ _ _

____After coming back from MCountdown, they were given a moment to rest and relax. Wonho heated some leftovers and ate it quickly; he felt surprisingly calm for someone who was moments away from spilling his guts. After finishing his meal, he retreated to his studio where he pretended to compose music while he waited for Changkyun to show up. After listening to one of the first drafts he’d ever composed, he suddenly thought about what he was planning on doing. Admitting that he had this desperation in him would only hurt those he cared about and all they had worked for. This draft he made during his trainee days was a sudden reminder that the life he currently had could swiftly vanish before his eyes. But then again…so could Changkyun. I’m sorry, Monbebe, he confessed, I’m sorry, members…but for the moment, I just want to do what’ll make me happy. I need to._ _ _ _

____Half an hour went by as his mind went back and forth between doing what was right and doing what he actually wanted. A romantic relationship with Changkyun. What would that be like? Would they finally become close like he’d always wanted? Wonho humored his romantic heart—imagining their secret, special relationship that was only shared between them. Would he tell the members? Telling Monbebe was another matter, but telling the others? They all seemed aware of his feelings already yet would they accept him for actually acting on them?_ _ _ _

____Then he started to get worried as he imagined Changkyun’s reaction. He was certain the guy wouldn’t reject him—harshly that is. There was a reason Wonho loved him after all; he was a good man. At best, Changkyun would humor his feelings and give the dating thing a try. Wonho was content with that as long as Changkyun knew how he felt. We can take it slowly from there. It’s ok if he doesn’t love me in return at first…as long as I’m given the chance to make it work…as long as I can try to teach him to see me differently. Despite going about it realistically in his hypothetical outcome, Wonho couldn’t help but think Changkyun did feel the same way. It would have made sense if the maknae distanced himself because he cared about him too much. The thought made Wonho blush even though he felt like a fool. Is that my excuse? He thought. Had he pushed Changkyun away because he loved him? He honestly thought he’d been genuine in wanting to get closer to Changkyun but perhaps that wasn’t the case at all. Perhaps he’d always been afraid to face his feelings—hence the awkwardness of their relationship._ _ _ _

____A second half hour passed without Changkyun’s appearance. Wonho used another hour to find inspiration for their next album. By the third hour, he was wondering where the hell Changkyun was. He decided to wait a little longer but unfortunately his confidence was deteriorating before he realized. Does he not want to see me? He began to dread the thought; did I do something wrong? Was I acting too weird that he was put off? He suddenly began to doubt himself again—as a hyung and a desirable person. How exactly did Changkyun view him? How did he appear in his eyes? Did he see Wonho as a hyung or as a transparent idiot?_ _ _ _

____His impatience and anxiousness caused him to get up, tossing his headphones on his keyboard. He found Minhyuk on the couch scrolling through his tablet._ _ _ _

____“Minhyuk,” he said, his voice cold, “Where’s Changkyun?”_ _ _ _

____“Huh? I don’t know,” Minhyuk replied, unaware of Wonho’s bitter mood. “Hey, hyung did you hear?”_ _ _ _

____“Hear what?”_ _ _ _

____“About that kpop idol—I forgot which group he was from. Apparently, he was caught dating someone from a girl group of the same company.”_ _ _ _

____“Really?”_ _ _ _

____“Yeah, it’s a huge scandal right now see?” Minhyuk held up his tablet and showed pictures from the online article. “Ah, both groups are in jeopardy now…rumors are flying around that they may even disband.”_ _ _ _

____“Disband…?” Wonho felt his palms become damp, “Over something like that?”_ _ _ _

____“Yeah, they’re losing fans fast…the subscribers on vlive and followers on twitter—they’re falling by the hundreds.” Minhyuk shook his head, “It really is a shame…I think their groups are only a year or two older than us.” Wonho felt an itchiness in the back of his throat he couldn’t shake. He suddenly felt his knees begin to wobble. Against his chest, his heart was pounding to escape his body. Before he knew it, his vision had grown fuzzy—flecks of black and white spots colored his eyes. He saw himself standing alone as the six other members walked away—only their backs facing him; a large stage surrounded by empty seats, broken light sticks, torn banners. He saw himself comforting his mother as she cried—telling her he’ll think of some way to become successful again—enough so she’ll never have to worry about if he was happy._ _ _ _

____“Wonho-hyung?” A voice pulled him back into reality. He looked up frantically like a child lost in the dark. Through his teary eyes, he saw Changkyun staring back at him. He felt the maknae’s hands on his biceps but he quickly pulled away. Changkyun’s eyes were rounded wide at his sudden rejection. His eyebrows furrowed in concern,_ _ _ _

____“Hyung, what’s wrong?”_ _ _ _

____“Wonho?” Minhyuk asked, suddenly realizing what was going on. He sat up on the couch, “You look so sad.”_ _ _ _

____“Ah,” Wonho wiped his nose and cheeks, “Really, I’m fine…” He wanted to retreat quickly but with Changkyun here, all he wanted to do was helplessly fall into his arms. Changkyun reached out to wipe his tears,_ _ _ _

____“Hyung…”_ _ _ _

____“It’s ok,” Wonho shrugged off his hand despite wanting nothing more than for Changkyun to touch him. Feeling embarrassed and ashamed, he decided to retreat to his studio. Unfortunately, the maknae followed him. It wasn’t until they reached the door that Changkyun finally had enough and gently grabbed his wrist._ _ _ _

____“Hyung, what did you want to talk to me about?”_ _ _ _

____“It’s…it’s nothing,” Wonho shook his head. “I’m over it now. It’s no use.”_ _ _ _

____“Hyung, you’re not making any sense.”_ _ _ _

____“It’s pointless, Changkyunnie…” he wiped his nose again. “Please just…forget I ever said anything to you.”_ _ _ _

____“You haven’t said anything yet,” Changkyun tilted his head to meet his gaze, “Why are you always like this?”_ _ _ _

____“I’m not…”_ _ _ _

____“Don’t cry unless you want to be comforted.”_ _ _ _

____“I don’t want to be comforted.”_ _ _ _

____“Then tell me what’s wrong,” Changkyun’s hand lingered on his wrist before he pulled it back—realizing he was out of line, “Usually you’re easy to read but this is different…”_ _ _ _

____“You really want to know?” Wonho sniffed. “You want to know why I’m crying?” When Changkyun gave him a look that seemed to answer everything, Wonho hung his head in defeat. Due to gravity, his tears dropped even more unapologetically from his eyes. It was one of the most embarrassing moments of his life._ _ _ _

____“I don’t want this dream to end…” he whimpered between uneven breaths. “I don’t want to hurt the other members…I don’t want to hurt you…or my mom…I don’t want to betray Monbebe…”_ _ _ _

____“Hyung, what are you talking about?” Wonho finally lifted his head; he immediately felt warmth when he saw the maknae’s concerned but confused eyes._ _ _ _

____“I love you, Changkyunnie…” he finally said. He sucked in a breath before burying his hot face in his hand, “I want to be with you.” Though his voice was shaking he said it—the truth. He thought doing so would relieve him of the longing ache but it only made him feel worse. Here he was—acting a pathetic, desperate child in front of someone younger than him—someone he’d always wanted to impress and be a proper and mature hyung for. It was embarrassing for him at this point…to have no control of his feelings after attempting to hold up such a poor masquerade. Once more, he wanted to run…but he also wanted to cling onto Changkyun—give into this sudden urge to depend on him. He wanted to be enveloped by his warmth and to be embraced in his arms. Suddenly, Wonho couldn’t recall the last time he’d wanted something this badly. It must’ve been way back during “Trespass” or “Rush” era—when he allowed his desires to dictate his decisions. A time where he didn’t second guess the movements of his body; he’d allowed himself to hug Changkyun, to hold his hand, to tease him whenever he wanted. The pressure of time and the pressure he put on himself must’ve been the reason he put all that immature nonsense behind him._ _ _ _

____“Wonho hyung…”_ _ _ _

____“Makes sense now, doesn’t it?” Wonho sighed, allowing his pride to fumble, “Why I’m always weird around you…why I pushed you away since ‘Rush’ era…I pretended like I wanted to become better friends with you but I was just being cowardice…in denial of my own feelings…”_ _ _ _

____“Don’t do that to yourself…” Changkyun’s comforting hand briefly touched his shoulder, “It’s not your fault. Things happen…we’re people. We change and grow…it’s no big deal.” Changkyun looked down, letting out a small cough as though he’d just realized the gravity and meaning behind what Wonho had confessed. Yes, that’s right…realize that it’s not necessary to forgive or understand me…realize that I’m your incompetent and foolish hyung._ _ _ _

____“You don’t know how to respond, right?” Wonho said, attempting to shake the awkward atmosphere. Unfortunately, he himself let out an awkward laugh—his signature talking-to-Changkyunnie-laugh. The maknae gently pushed his hand against Wonho’s for a second,_ _ _ _

____“Hyung, it’s not like I don’t care about you.”_ _ _ _

____“You don’t have to make up words,” Wonho said, interrupting Changkyun due to his own fear, “I’m older than you. I can handle the truth.”_ _ _ _

____“It’s not like that.” Changkyun’s mouth tightened nervously, “Hyung, I…I’m seeing someone.”_ _ _ _


	2. I.M

He’d never expected to see that sort of face on Wonho. The second he did, he immediately regretted telling him the truth. At that moment, Wonho’s cluttered studio was about the most awkward room he’d ever been in. It wasn’t until Wonho spoke in that sullen, defeated tone—the one that still attempted to sound like everything was alright—that Changkyun realized what’d just happened. His hyung, Wonho—the irresistible, sweet, perfect guy who could have any girl he wanted—had just confessed his love to him.

“How…how long have you been dating her?” Wonho asked; the shakiness of his voice caused an unexpected ache in Changkyun’s chest. 

“A couple months now…she…” he coughed nervously, “She didn’t want me to tell you guys—for my sake.” 

“Ah…yeah…that’s understandable…” Changkyun couldn’t help but notice the distance he saw behind Wonho’s glossy eyes. Shit…he thought, just when I thought he was done keeping me at arm’s length. On instinct, he took hold of Wonho’s hand,

“Hyung, please understand…” he made sure to hold tightly enough so he wouldn’t pull away but still gently enough so that Wonho felt the sincerity of his words, “I don’t want you to think I’m disregarding your feelings.”

“No, no I know you’re not…” Wonho shook his head; he forced a smile before slipping his hand out of Changkyun’s grasp. “I just…I kind of want to be alone right now.”

“Wonho, please don’t,” he begged. He was still so shaken by the situation that he’d forgotten to use formal speech. After realizing his mistake, he looked down in shame, “I…please just…just talk to me.”

“I don’t think there’s much to talk about anymore.”

“Just because I have a girlfriend?”

“No, because the man I love’s heart belongs to someone else,” he said. Changkyun blinked in amazement; as expected of poetic Wonho-hyung—he knew how to sway someone’s heart that’s for sure. Changkyun spoke in the usual quiet and low tone but it sounded more defeated than he’d intended,

“We can…we can still be friends…”

“Of course, we can and will always be friends, Changkyunnie…” his hyung rubbed his eye as though he were fighting back more tears. For the second time that night, Changkyun fought the urge to comfort him. Wonho sniffed, “But right now, I…I think it hurts too much to look at you.” Changkyun felt a painful throbbing of guilt and regret in his heart; he never knew Wonho was capable of making him feel like this. He tightened his lips together, realizing he had no reason to remain standing here—especially if his presence upset Wonho. 

“I…I’m sorry, hyung…I wish this turned out differently…”

“Don’t be sorry…it’s not like it’s something you can control.” Despite the moment being serious, Changkyun found himself admiring Wonho. How long and how often had the guy been going through this scenario in his head—thinking up the outcomes and wondering how Changkyun would react? He could only imagine with how much this hyung overthought everything. Remorse bit inside the deepest pits of his core as he watched Wonho’s melancholy back. Don’t do this to me…he begged, don’t show me such a vulnerable face. 

His hyung returned to his computer and keyboard as though it were his only distracting sanctuary left. Through the headphones he’d put on, an electronic and heavy bass was playing as though it was intended to drown out everything. Changkyun wanted to laugh at Wonho’s drastic and dramatic need to stay away from unnecessary emotions even though he was the most sentimental and emotional member of Monsta X. This is why it’s so difficult to be close to you, hyung, he thought, you wear yourself so openly yet you refuse to let someone hold you—to lend you their back. But somehow, to Changkyun, the child-like refusal made Wonho-hyung cuter than he already was. 

As he walked back to his room, he was suddenly haunted by Wonho’s vulnerable and shocked expression. It was the first time in his life that he felt so bad for simply saying a couple words. It was also the first time he wanted to kiss someone that desperately.

Minhyuk and Jooheon greeted him as he entered the room but his head was in a haze of emotions. He lay back in his bed and stared up at the ceiling—half regretting his decisions. Jang-mi was important to him and he wanted to be with her. But Wonho-hyung…what made him say such things? And why now of all times? Especially when he’d finally convinced himself that he was over him. Out of embarrassment, Changkyun sat up quickly—as though it would shake off the unsettling tingling sensation of remorse. 

He’d always loved Wonho. Ever since he started watching No Mercy as a fan—he thought the guy was the most beautiful person he’d ever laid eyes on. Then, when he finally stood before him, he discovered it couldn’t have been more true. During that time when Wonho didn’t bother making eye contact with him—due to the fact that his eyes were only fixed on debuting—Changkyun found himself constantly watching the mysterious and cool hyung. The guy seemed so focused at the time—so serious and cool. Changkyun found himself feeling intimidated. After all, he had the looks, the body, the talent, the charisma, the voice; not to mention, he made music, too—just like he did. It made Changkyun nervous to be around him. Who was this surreal person that hadn’t become an idol yet? Would he ever become friends with Changkyun? Would they get along? Could Changkyun ever forget himself and become lost in conversations with him?

However, those nerves seemed to subside shortly after he got to know him. When they were grouped together for his very first rap challenge, Changkyun began to notice the little flaws and doubts in what seemed to be the perfect man. He saw him stumble and clumsily get up again; he saw him sing and practice and memorize his lines for so long that he nearly lost his voice. He saw the stress he put on himself when he wasn’t good enough—venting his frustrations by pushing his physical body too far. But those faults, those cracks—Changkyun soon realized—were indeed what made him perfect. He was only human yet he tried so hard. Changkyun found that irresistible.

But as time went on and he began to get a feel of what it was like to be an idol—what it took—he learned to push down his feelings. He had to teach himself not to take them seriously. Every time Wonho paid him attention or went out of his way to mess with him, Changkyun had to play along and pretend it didn’t mean anything. He knew that was the only way Wonho would continue to look at him the way he did. Soon, the admiration, love, and lust he had for Wonho was condensed down into something simpler—something he understood. Now he only saw him as another member he cared for. That was why it was easy to fall in love with Jang-mi—to distract himself with his rap and his work. If that was for the better or worse, Changkyun couldn’t say. But he preferred to live in black and white as long as Wonho was the only one in color.

 

He waved at a few patrons in the café that recognized him before returning to his phone. It was nice to have their phones again after such a long time. He finished texting Jang-mi before finishing off his Americano and throwing the cup away. After realizing the café was too public, he decided to move the location of their date to the park.

“You’re late,” she said to him when he approached her. She was sitting on one of the swings. Changkyun handed her the latte she ordered.

“Sorry, I got lost along the way.” She was amused by this and seemed to forgive him.

“How was work?”

“Fine,” he sat in the swing next to the hers, “We have our last show tonight.” 

“For the ‘Beautiful’ promotions?”

“Yeah.” Suddenly, she seemed to realize something and her eyes became sad. His eyebrows furrowed in concern, “What’s wrong?”

“That means you’ll be leaving for the world tour soon…” Changkyun let out a sigh; they’ve had numerous arguments and fights about the world tour prior to this. He knew it was becoming more and more difficult for her to deal with his busy schedule. Their meetings were rare and when they did have time together, Changkyun was still an idol—he still had to be cautious and he still had limits to his free time. They’d met through a friend he knew from before he became I.M, rapper and maknae of Monsta X. She was the friend’s sister—someone Changkyun didn’t know about until a year ago. They started dating only a few months back. He’d been the one to ask her out and she willingly agreed. But, of course, back then they hadn’t yet realized how difficult it would be. 

“We’ll come back to Korea for breaks now and then…and we still have ‘Shine Forever’ promotions after this…” he tried to reassure her. “Don’t worry, I won’t keep you waiting for long.”

“I know…” she smiled before taking a sip of her latte. “I’m glad we have this…”

“What do you mean?”

“I’m just thinking about all the girls around the world that you’re going to see. And how many of them that’d love to be dating you…” she looked at him, “It makes me happy that you chose me…” Changkyun didn’t know why, but in that moment, he thought about the night Wonho confessed to him. Since then, the two of them acted as they always did. Surprisingly, Wonho remained his usual self—teasing Changkyun and joking around with him when they stood in front of Monbebe. But when they weren’t on stage or doing fan signs, he went out of his way to avoid him. Changkyun knew that, if he confronted Wonho about this, he’d only deny it and say the maknae was imagining things. So, he allowed this fake relationship to continue. He wanted to believe things were still the same between them—that Monsta X was as it was when they first debuted. But it wasn’t true. They’d changed. The other members were beginning to notice as well. It was an unspoken, uncomfortable thing that everyone was aware of but refused to talk about. Such a thing nearly drove Changkyun mad.

“Jang-mi, I need to tell you something,” he said. 

“Hmm?” her attention perked up, “What is it?” He nervously swung back and forth on the balls of his feet. 

“I told one of the members about you.”

“What?” now her eyes were wide, “Why would you do that? Which one did you tell?”

“It’s fine,” he calmed her, placing a hand on hers, “I told Wonho-hyung. Don’t worry, he’s not going to tell anyone.”

“Are you sure?” she scrunched her face suspiciously, “Isn’t he one of the talkative ones? What if he spills it on live broadcast?” Despite the comment irritating him, Changkyun could only let out a forced laugh.

“The members aren’t that careless,” he explained, “We can separate our professional and private lives.” She didn’t seem convinced,

“I don’t want something like this to ruin your reputation…I want us to stay together like this.”

“I know,” he smiled, “But it’ll be fine. I told hyung a while ago and he hasn’t said anything about it on live broadcast so far. Doesn’t that prove it’s ok?” 

“I guess…” Changkyun held her hand but doing so caused him to notice the watch reading 8:50 on his wrist. 

“Shit, I’m gonna be late,” he cursed, “We’re supposed to leave for Inkigayo at nine.” 

“What? But the show is at 12,” Jang-mi complained. She grabbed tightly onto his hand, “Will you call me?”

“Yeah, I’ll try,” he kissed her quickly before running off.

 

Changkyun caught himself gawking at Wonho again. He quickly shook his head but found his eyes still wandering. His hyung was getting his makeup done next to Hyungwon; they were talking and goofing around as usual and Wonho’s loud, unchained laugh made Changkyun smile. He only wished that he was the cause of that beautiful laugh. Wonho smacked Hyungwon on the knee before allowing the stylist to brush his lilac hair. It was such a cute look, Changkyun thought. Wonho’s body was so strong and muscular yet his now lilac tinted hair and face were soft and feminine. He was also already wearing his stage outfit—dress shoes, black slacks, and an unbuttoned silky red blouse. A simple gold chain hung around his neck and dangled along his collar bone; and the simple earrings he wore on both ears only made him more beautiful. Changkyun nervously rubbed the back of his heated neck when he watched the stylist apply a light shade of lip gloss to Wonho’s seductive lips. Why me, hyung? He thought, you’re so lovely yet you chose to confess to me of all people. I honestly don’t get you at all. 

 

He anxiously stood behind Wonho as they waited to go on stage. From here, he already heard Monbebe talking and cheering for them.

“You ready for the final stage?” Wonho suddenly asked him. Changkyun was caught off guard but he quickly recollected himself.

“Ah, yeah…” he looked to the ground nervously.

“Changkyun-ah…”

“Huh?”

“You look nice.” Changkyun wanted to smile but his face could not catch up on time due to the shock. He could only assume he looked angry or even disgusted by Wonho’s words. 

“You do too, hyung,” he said quickly in attempt to reassure him. Before he knew it, they were ordered to move onto stage. He followed behind Wonho until he found his seat. They’d sat beside each other for all their “Beautiful Acoustic Version” stages. He’d never admit it out loud but he found it relaxing to be this close to him—especially when the guy sang. He tried his best to remain serious and forlorn on the outside due to the atmosphere of the song, but in reality, he wanted to smile at how precious Wonho was. When he looked down and slowly pulled the mic from his lips, when his glossy eyes shifted to the floor—emphasizing the length of his lashes, when he fought back a smile due to the simple fact of being in front of Monbebe—all of those things made Changkyun’s chest flutter. He could only look forward in attempt to resist Wonho’s beauty.

After their first rehearsal, they stood up and introduced themselves to Monbebe. Changkyun tried to be engaged in what Kihyun was announcing but he was too caught up in the fact that Wonho’s hand was on his back. He always seemed to touch Changkyun when they were near each other and Changkyun never particularly minded but now it was too much. Is this how you intend for us to go on, hyung? He thought, you approach me so easily in situations like this but when it’s just the two of us, you pull away. I don’t want to do this anymore, Wonho…I don’t want to pretend with you because this isn’t what true friendship is. When Wonho began to talk, he casually took his hand off Changkyun and was fully engaged in speaking to Monbebe and the other members—leaving Changkyun behind. 

“We’re leaving for the fan-sign in twenty minutes,” Manager-hyung announced. Changkyun took out his phone to call Jang-mi but stopped when he saw Wonho leaving the dressing room. He quickly got up and went after him. It took him an adventure of walking down white hallways and asking other idols passing by before he found Wonho-hyung sitting at the bottom of some stairs. He was calmly scrolling through his phone but Changkyun knew the truth. He’d been crying again.

“Are you crying ‘cause we didn’t win?” he joked as he walked towards him. Wonho laughed softly, 

“How rude; I was a rookie back then…I didn’t know how hard it really was.” Changkyun grabbed the railing of the stairs and leaned forward. 

“I know, hyung…we were all a bit naive, weren’t we?” he smiled sympathetically, “You gonna tell me what’s wrong?”

“Nothing’s wrong. I just…I was talking to my mom,” Wonho replied, “She just said she misses me and congratulated us on our final stage…she started crying and well…you know me…” Yeah, I do. Changkyun pushed himself off the rail and sat down on one step lower than Wonho.

“What’s going on?” he asked, “Between us I mean…”

“Ah, here it is, huh?”

“You haven’t talked to me since that night…” Changkyun drummed his fingers against his knee, “Things are going on like normal but, at the same time, they’re not. I thought…I thought we were past this…”

“Changkyunnie, don’t lose sleep thinking about this,” Wonho interrupted him. “This is my fault—not yours. I put the burden of my feelings on you without thinking and I regret that more than anything. Now, I just…I want to forget it happened. I want us to be friends again.”

“Are you sure that’s what you want?” Changkyun looked down at his shoes, “You know real friends don’t avoid each other.”

“I…” his hyung’s voice had grown shaky; Changkyun could tell he was losing his confidence and control of the situation. “I’ll get there…” he finally said, “Just give me some time to work through this stuff…then I’ll learn to be a proper friend…and hyung.” 

“Ok…” Changkyun sighed with relief. He turned around and laid a hand on Wonho’s knee, "You know I need you, right—all of you—not just the part that acts cute in front of Monbebe?” He could’ve sworn he saw a red tint seep into Wonho’s cheeks. He’s so cute god damn it, Changkyun thought. The feelings of affection he had for Wonho back then—he could feel them rapidly leaking back into his heart after all his efforts of pushing them out. Changkyun gulped nervously as his sinful gaze met Wonho’s eyes—glossy after he’d just taken the contacts out and cried from speaking to his mom. Then his eyes went down to Wonho’s soft lips, traveled down his strong jawline, and traced along his bare collarbone. He stopped himself before he began staring at Wonho’s open chest. The sound of his phone vibrating caused him to jolt in surprise. He quickly pulled it from his pocket.

“Ah, sorry, hyung…” he said guiltily, “I have to take this.”

“It’s her, isn’t it?” Wonho smiled, “Your girlfriend.”

“Yeah, well…” he let out a nervous laugh, “We don’t really get that much time together. So, we try to talk when we can…”

“That sounds nice…” Despite being the one that’d been rejected of love, there was still love in Wonho’s eyes and Changkyun found himself admiring him again. He had such a big heart that he was pleased from simply seeing Changkyun happy? What was the extent of his selflessness? Changkyun wanted to hug him in that moment and thank him for being so understanding and kind. But his phone vibrated again and he had to force a quick conversation with his girlfriend before heading to the fan-sign.

The event was fun and calming to him; he met with Monbebe and played with the members like always. And with Wonho-hyung, things started to feel alright again. They joked around and talked like the old days and Changkyun was grateful that they could capture that innocent feeling of friendship again. However, there was something unsettling he felt, too. Friends—he’d asked this of him but was that what he really wanted? Did friends look at each other the way he looked at Wonho-hyung? Of course not. He wanted Wonho to lean on him desperately; he wanted their relationship to be gone about whole-heartedly—one that consisted of so much love and honesty that he couldn’t take it anymore—and especially one that made Wonho happy. But now Wonho was trying to fix what he thought he’d broken. He was trying his best to act as he always did and Changkyun couldn’t disregard his efforts. Not to mention, he couldn’t afford to think of Wonho that way—not anymore…not when he was with a girl that cared about him more than he deserved. 

 

After celebrating their 2-year anniversary and ending “Beautiful” promotions, their schedules were now hidden from Monbebe. He had his hair dyed to an orange-brown shade a few weeks later and soon they were already working on their “Shine Forever” comeback. Filming the music video, doing photoshoots, and learning the new choreography had been long and hard but Changkyun felt grateful. If anything, he needed the distraction less he’d start thinking about unnecessary things again.

“The masculine, charismatic, and romantic boy group that swept the hearts of girls around the world—please welcome Monsta X!” Changkyun walked onto the set alongside the members and were welcomed by the two interviewers. They turned towards the cameras and introduced themselves,

“Hoo! Monsta X! Hello! We are Monsta X!” Changkyun sat down next to Jooheon and Kihyun as the interviewers began describing the program and today’s schedule. The interview went along smoothly enough. That is, until they reached the “first impressions” segment. 

“What was your first impression of each member?” The interviewer asked, “How about you, I.M-shi? What did you think about your hyungs when you first met?” Kihyun playfully nudged him in the shoulder with his elbow. He cleared his throat at having been called on,

“Well, I came late onto the survival TV show, No Mercy, we were on,” Changkyun explained, “But I saw them all on TV before I met them.”

“Ah, I see,” The interviewer said. “Then, starting from the oldest member what did you think?”

“Starting from the oldest? Um…I thought Shownu-hyung was really muscular…” he caused the others to laugh along with the interviewer.

“Aah, he does have a manly look, doesn’t he?” The interviewer observed. “Then, who’s next?” All the members answered in a cluster of “Wonho” and “Wonho-hyung” as Wonho shyly raised his hand. 

“Oh, it’s Wonho-shi that’s second oldest?” The male interviewer added into their jumble of voices. Changkyun was starting to get nervous from the changing atmosphere of the room—they were building it up too much now. An eerie silence followed after everyone finally closed their mouths and focused their attention on him. He gulped nervously. 

“Ah, Wonho-hyung…” his eyes went to Wonho quickly before he looked to the ground. “The first time I saw him on TV…I thought he was really handsome…” 

“He was one of the visuals,” Minhyuk explained.

“Oh, really? Who were the others?”

“Me and Hyungwon.”

“Ah, I see,” she laughed, “I.M-shi does that mean you thought the other two were handsome, too?”

“Um…” he played with the frills on his sweater sleeve, “I only saw Wonho to be honest…I mean…I thought he was really handsome. And…he was even more beautiful in person…he worked hard…and had the talent of a true idol. When he was in the room…it was like everything else was blurry but him…” The set suddenly grew quiet then and he regretted not biting his tongue fast enough. When he looked up, he realized that the two interviewers were stunned as well. Shit. 

“Ah, it looks like it’s time for our commercial break,” the interviewer said, saving the atmosphere. “We’ll be back to discuss Monsta X’s upcoming album and world tour.” As soon as the camera cut, Changkyun immediately stood up and yanked off his mic. He swiftly made his way to the bathroom as he heard the female interviewer say,

“Is it ok to keep that on the broadcast?” Before he could reach the bathroom door, he felt someone’s hand on his shoulder. When he turned around, he found a flustered and confused Wonho-hyung staring back at him.

“Why did you say that?” he stuttered. He seemed to realize where his hand was and pulled it back; then his tone shifted into anger, “Monbebe is gonna see this—everyone is gonna see this. What were you thinking saying something so inappropriate?”

“I’m sorry,” Changkyun said after a moment, “But…but I was only telling them the truth.” His heart seemed to melt when he saw Wonho’s innocent face become even more bashful and flustered than it already was. Changkyun tilted his head to meet Wonho’s eyes, “Tell me, hyung was it inappropriate because I said too much? Or because it made you blush?”

“Don’t fuck around with me,” his hyung barked. He shifted his body to the side to avoid eye contact. “This…this goes beyond our usual teasing, Changkyun. You know how I feel about you…doing this is…it’s just cruel.”

“I…” he was at a loss for words, “You’re right…I’m sorry.”

“I thought…I thought you wanted us to be friends…”

“I do.”

“Then what the hell are you doing?” When Wonho looked up, Changkyun realized he was moments from crying. Ah…this is why I love you…Changkyun thought, you’re afraid and you’re seconds from becoming a sobbing mess yet you still face me head on—you still have strength to look up confidently; you still fight. 

“Hyung, I…” he tried to reach out to Wonho but his hyung refused.

“You have a girlfriend, right? You have someone that makes you happy? Then why aren’t you satisfied?” Wonho shook his head as though he still had it together before his face began falling apart, “Stop…stop looking at me when you think I don’t notice…I…it just makes it worse…because I’m an idiot…and I start to hope again…that maybe you do think of me that way…” Changkyun wanted to hold him then more than anything. But he knew Wonho wouldn’t allow him to. And, as the younger one, it was inappropriate to think he could touch his hyung so familiarly. So, he could only watch as the man he loved began to cry in front of him. Friendship…he thought, it’s not enough, hyung. I don’t want that from you. I want to be more. I want to treat you specially and I want you to cry in my arms. 

 

He was still exhausted and covered in sweat from dance practice when he ran outside. The cool breeze of the night slinked into the sleeves of his shirt and down his back. Jang-mi was standing next to the lamppost wearing a light coat. She had a serious expression on her face as though she’d mentally prepared herself for what was coming.

“Sorry for calling you out here so late,” he said, still panting from that final chorus in “Shine Forever.” 

“Well, it can’t be helped,” she shrugged, “I have work all day this week.” Changkyun looked somberly at her round face and remembered the first time he’d met her. She was a good person, he knew that; and she deserved better than him.

“Jang-mi…I’m sorry it ended like this.”

“It’s ok…” she wiped her nose, “I knew one day you’d come to your senses.” Changkyun gently grabbed her shoulders. 

“Find yourself someone better than me…” he said. “I’m not as great as people think.”

“That’s a lie,” she smiled, “And it’s not just about letting me be happy, is it?”

“What do you mean?”

“There’s someone else you care about; I can see it on your face,” she poked his dimple with her finger, “You think I don’t notice that you’ve been different lately?”

“I have?”

“Well, when you don’t make the effort to pay attention to me, you’re always looking at nothing and getting lost in your thoughts…those times you were thinking about her, weren’t you?”

“I…it’s not what you think…”

“I know that you’d never betray me, Changkyun-ah,” she said, “But the truth is, you betrayed your own heart.” Changkyun sighed and brushed a lock of hair from her face,

“Jang-mi…”

“I don’t think you should lie to yourself…” she sniffed, “If you like her…you should’ve left me sooner and gone to her side.” He smiled at her honesty; she’s a braver person than I am.

“Thanks for understanding,” he held her small hands in his, “Thanks for all this time.”

“Whatever,” she joked. He leaned forward to kiss her on the cheek for the last time.

“Changkyunnie?” When he heard Wonho’s voice, he immediately turned around. Wonho and Jooheon were standing on the sidewalk in their gym clothes—they were most likely having a night run after practice. Wonho-hyung looked shocked and even pained for a moment before he composed himself again—a talent he most likely picked up as an idol. On instinct and panic, Changkyun wanted to explain himself but knew it wasn’t respectful to Jang-mi or to Wonho for that matter.

“Ah, hyung,” Changkyun said after stepping away from her, “You guys jogging?”

“Yeah…” Jooheon answered for the two of them, “We’re going to the gym after.”

“This late?”

“We won’t have time tomorrow.”

“Right…” Jooheon’s eyebrows lifted as his eyes went to Jang-mi, causing Changkyun to realize.

“Uh, this is my friend’s sister …” he said.

“Nice to meet you,” she nodded towards them shyly.” I know you guys already…”

“But we never introduced ourselves in person,” Jooheon smiled, showing his dimples, “I’m Jooheon and this is Wonho-hyung.”

“I know,” she laughed nervously before shaking his hand. Then her gaze went over to Wonho who was still standing frozen in the same spot. His expression was so emotionless and cold that Changkyun was worried he’d do something crazy. However, that worry vanished quickly when hyung’s face lightened up and he smiled,

“It’s nice to meet you,” he shook her hand politely before turning towards Changkyun, “I didn’t know you had such a cute girlfriend.” Jang-mi immediately jumped in,

“Oh, we’re not--”

“A girlfriend?” Jooheon asked suddenly, “I’ve never heard of this.”

“Well, its--”

“Yeah, how long have you been dating?” Wonho’s tone suddenly turned dark. He glared at Changkyun as though he wanted to strike him. The atmosphere abruptly became unpleasant and tense. An uncomfortable lull commenced as Changkyun looked into his hyung’s angry and confusing gaze—Jang-mi and Jooheon starring as innocent victims that knew nothing of the situation. Jang-mi had been the one to break the tension of the air; her voice was small and timid,

“Actually, um…Changkyun-ah and I are--” Only she didn’t get to finish before Wonho broke their intense eye contact and continued heatedly down the street. 

“Hyung, where are you going?” Jooheon called out before starting to go after him, “Wait for me--” Changkyun immediately held his hand up against Jooheon’s chest—stopping him. 

“Can you call her a cab?” he asked without raising his head.

“Huh? Yeah, sure I guess.”

“Thanks.” He took off after Wonho without second guessing what he was doing. 

He finally caught up to him underneath a lamppost near an abandoned road. The air had grown musty and damp as though it’d just rained. There was a light humming sound coming from the lamppost and a few cars were running in the distance. Above them, the full moon sat tightly amongst the dark blue clouds. Changkyun suddenly felt anxious and impatient. When he grabbed Wonho’s arm, the heated hyung yanked it out of his grasp.

“Hey, why are you acting like a kid!?” Changkyun exclaimed loudly—half his breath lost from running. “I thought you were fine with me dating someone.” He let out a few more puffs of air; a droplet of sweat tricked down his neck. Finally, Wonho stopped walking; his lonely back sunk in defeat.

“I thought I was, too…” he said quietly. Changkyun straightened up. He wiped his mouth with the back of his hand,

“Then what happened?” Wonho’s voice had grown even more distant than before and Changkyun felt that if he didn’t do anything now, his hyung would be lost to him forever.

“It’s…” Wonho’s low voice hummed with little confidence. Changkyun could only see his strong back from this angle; he saw him touch his own face with a shaking hand—whether or not he was wiping away tears, Changkyun could not say; his voice was weak, “It’s easier to accept it…when I can’t see it…but it suddenly became real…seeing you with her…” he cleared his throat, “I acted on emotion, so I’m sorry…that wasn’t cool. She was just…she looked good next to you.” Changkyun walked towards Wonho’s vulnerable back.

“Did she?” he asked.

“Yeah…you guys are cute…like a dream couple.” When he reached Wonho, he walked in front of him and slightly slanted his head. Now, he was close enough to Wonho to see the freckles and piercings in his ears. 

“Wonho-hyung…” he tensed his lips together nervously before gently running his fingers against the outside of Wonho’s ear. His hyung immediately trembled in reaction to his touch. He grabbed onto the side of his face like a shocked, timid bunny,

“Don’t do that,” Wonho whimpered helplessly. Changkyun ignored his demand and caressed the side of Wonho’s damp neck, his thumb gently rubbing against Wonho’s jawline. He could feel his own heart pulsating inside his chest when Wonho’s skin raised in temperature. With both hands now, he caressed Wonho’s face. He pressed his forehead against Wonho’s and let out a sigh of satisfaction. This is what it’s supposed to feel like, he thought, this thing they call love. His eyes closed, his hands slowly moved down Wonho’s warm neck, his trembling broad shoulders, and stopped on his chest where he felt his rapidly beating heart.

“Changkyunnie…” his hyung’s voice sounded desperate and afraid; it was higher pitched than usual—like a child’s. “Changkyunnie…don’t…” Changkyun opened his eyes and saw Wonho’s glazed eyes, his trembling plump lips. He leaned in further, close enough to feel Wonho’s breath against his own mouth. His hands softly pushed against Wonho’s muscular yet soft body until he reached his back. He pulled him closer yet did not acquaint their lips. For a moment, as he waited for Wonho’s answer, he drunk it how beautiful he was underneath the moonlight. His face was jumbled up in anticipation; his dark eyebrows furrowed, his lips pursed, and his nose scrunched. It was rare to see Wonho like this; Changkyun found it incredibly adorable. I really do need this guy…more than I thought I did. Then, when Wonho let out a trembling, uneven breath and his lips unintentionally pushed against Changkyun’s—I.M went in for the kill. He grabbed Wonho’s neck and kissed him—hard. Underneath his hold, he felt Wonho-hyung’s body weaken and give into the pleasurable sensation. His tender lips seemed to kiss Changkyun back with ease. Wonho felt firm but smooth—there was a tint of softness beneath those muscles that Changkyun appreciated; he’d always wanted to touch him but never found the confidence to go through with it. There was a limit after all—to how much Wonho allowed him into his space and, more so, into his heart. Changkyun’s harsh kiss slowly turned gentle as he softened his lips against Wonho’s—which felt extremely pleasant and tasted even more sweet. This pace seemed to satisfy his hyung more; they began to recognize a pattern and moved their lips in common frequencies. Soon, he was becoming familiar with Wonho’s mouth—the curves and soft texture of his lips and the fact that, once in a while, his shy tongue would slightly tease against Changkyun’s. He wanted to pull back to give them both air and time to process what was happening; but he didn’t know if he had the willpower to. Kissing Wonho was like being sucked into a black hole. He couldn’t stop.

“Mm…” A soft moan escaped Wonho’s lips which pulled Changkyun back into reality. He managed to gather himself again and break their intoxicating connection. When he saw Wonho’s stunned expression—that was when he knew he’d made the right choice. He looked so cute and pure but also bloomed—like a flower that’d finally given into love’s pheromones. However, his hyung didn’t seem very happy about Changkyun’s actions. Wonho turned around and started walking back without giving Changkyun a second glance.


	3. Wonho

His sensitive lips were fizzing the entire walk home. He couldn’t think properly or respond when the other members spoke to him. Jooheon was angry that he’d abandoned him on the side of the road but he couldn’t even feel bad about it. His body moved on its own as he jumped in the shower, ate something, and sunk onto his bed. He felt like a zombie that’d just been struck on the head multiple times. 

It was the first time in a while that he slept straight through the night. He didn’t think much before falling asleep and he didn’t dream of anything. It was like something or someone had wiped his mind free of everything. When he woke up the next morning, he found the maknae standing over his bed. He nearly kicked the guy when his body jolted from shock. After surviving the mini heart attack, he let out an exhausted sigh—hand on his chest. 

“What’re you doing here?” he asked, “How long have you…?”

“I just got here…” the maknae replied, “Kihyun-hyung told me to wake you up.”

“Oh…”

“We’re gonna go eat and then go to MCountdown.”

“I see…” Changkyun straightened himself and turned towards Hyungwon’s bed. 

“Hyung, wake up,” he said loudly. Wonho saw Hyungwon’s body slightly move before the guy drowsily brushed Changkyun off and turned towards the wall. Wonho sat up and rubbed his black hair. The blue-green highlights were coming out with every shower he took and they hadn’t even made their comeback yet. Before he could fully open his eyes, he felt Changkyun’s lips quickly push against his own. He immediately froze in place—his heart pounding. 

“Sorry,” the maknae said, “I’ve been wanting to do that all morning.”

“Ch-Changkyun…” he traced his lips timidly, “Your girlfriend…”

“We broke up, hyung. If you stuck around a little longer last night, I would’ve told you that.” Broke…up? He suddenly felt like an idiot. 

“A-are you sure?” Wonho grabbed onto the sleeve of Changkyun’s shirt in case he disappeared before his eyes, “You really want to try dating me?”

“I don’t want to try; I want to date you…for real.”

“I’m…I’m a guy…”

“Yeah, last I checked Monsta X was a boy group.”

“It’s risky…”

“Maybe.”

“If anyone finds out--”

“You talk a lot when you’re scared, huh?” Wonho nervously balled his blanket in his hands. 

“Of course, I’m scared…”

“That’s ok…” Changkyun’s hand gently clasped on top of his own. “As long as you let me protect you…”

“Are you asking me for permission?”

“As the youngest, I am, yes.” Wonho smiled at his adorable yet mature nature; he grabbed Changkyun’s hand and entwined their fingers.

“Do you remember me doing this to you once? At a fan sign?” Their palms kissed; Wonho laughed softly, “Maybe I was already falling for you since then…” 

“Oh, I fell for you long before that,” Changkyun leaned towards him. Wonho trembled in pleasure as the maknae’s fingers dance down his Adam’s apple. A playful smirk was on Changkyun’s mouth, “You’re really cute right now…”

“I just woke up,” Wonho pointed out. “I don’t have any makeup on.”

“Yeah, I know.”

“Changkyunnie…”

“Hmm?” 

“Come here,” He wrapped his arms around Changkyun’s shoulders and pulled him onto the bed with him.

“Hey!” Hyungwon’s loud voice pierced through their romantic display causing both to freeze. Wonho embarrassingly looked up at Hyungwon’s bed and saw his hand moving back and forth as though he were sweeping trash.

“Take your lovers scene outside!” he yelled. Changkyun laughed adorably,

“Sorry, hyung,” he shouted back. Wonho flushed suddenly at the realization that Changkyun was on top of him. His face became even hotter when their eyes met. Changkyun lifted himself up on his arms,

“I should let you get up now…”

“Yeah…” he gulped, “You should.” Wonho was lost in his eyes for a moment before Changkyun climbed off him. He sat up on his elbows, simply watching in anticipation as Changkyun exited the room. 

“Stop smiling,” Hyungwon growled tiredly, “It’s creeping me out.” Wonho buried his flustered face into his blanket,

“Ah, seriously…” he cried, “What just happened?”

“I think you just hooked up with the maknae.”

 

After washing his face and brushing his teeth, he changed into ripped jeans and was trying to find a top. That was when he found the white sweater he’d loaned Changkyun during the filming of Right Now. It seemed so long ago since then; so much had happened with Monsta X. They’d all grown closer and grown as a group as well. And already, after two years, they were on their first world tour. He was so proud of them. Hyungwon had told him to stop but all Wonho could do was smile.

He unintentionally ended up sitting next to Changkyun in the back of the van. Wonho didn’t want to admit that being so close to him made him feel both excited and relaxed. He still couldn’t comprehend what was happening between them but he knew how he felt and how it felt when Changkyun kissed him. The others quickly gathered in the car after them and were soon discussing what they wanted to eat that morning. Minhyuk wanted crepes, Jooheon wanted French toast, and Hyungwon wanted pancakes. Wonho checked out of the debate before it even started. He stared out the window—at the other cars and the common scenery they passed by every time they drove down this road. It wasn’t like any of it mattered to him; in fact, he was more inside his own head than out. But he needed to pretend he wasn’t constantly thinking about the maknae or it would be the end of his pride.

When the car stopped to allow some students to cross the street, Wonho felt Changkyun’s hand nudge against his own. His heart gave an excited lurch at the thought of Changkyun thinking about him, too. Wonho looked down at where their hands met. When he looked over at Changkyun, he found he, too, was pretending to look out the window. Wonho couldn’t help but smile as he realized the two of them had more in common than he thought. As the car jerked forward again, he gradually pushed his hand closer against his. It took two more nudges before Changkyun finally noticed. The maknae looked over curiously before his gaze met Wonho’s eager one. 

“Why do you want something so sweet in the morning?” Hyungwon complained loudly.

“You don’t understand,” Minhyuk explained, “I saw an ad last night and they were eating crepes. I was craving it since—ah just let me show it to you.” Changkyun gave him a small smile before flipping his hand over—his palm facing up. Wonho gulped nervously before placing his hand over Changkyun’s. His fingers slid between his until their palms met; he was locked in. He felt light and warm when Changkyun gave his hand a soft squeeze. At this point, Wonho was too embarrassed to look at him. His eyes quickly returned to the window as the heat from his hand spread throughout his body. 

He spent his breakfast eating crepes next to Shownu and Minhyuk. Changkyun was at the other table with Jooheon, Hyungwon, and Kihyun. Even though it was only a few feet away, Wonho was undergoing I.M-withdrawal. The crepe was sweet as Hyungwon had said but Wonho had tasted sweeter.

 

Wonho went down the steps after their “Shine Forever” comeback stage; he nearly fell over when he took the last step. The stage had been more slippery than usual and caused him to trip numerous times. Not to mention, his head wasn’t exactly on his body. He kept thinking too much about Changkyun to wonder if his footing was right or his rhythm was accurate with the music. He regretted not giving Monbebe 100 percent of him. 

In the dressing room, he cooled his head with a wet towel and a hand-held fan. He began pulling his mic and tuner from his ear when Changkyun came up to him. Wonho gave him a smile but it was replaced with a shocked pout when the maknae poked his bare chest—which was exposed due to the dramatic opening of his jacket. 

“That hurt,” Wonho said rubbing his chest. “Why’d you do that?”

“I just think it’s kind of funny…” Changkyun smiled.

“What is?” He immediately held in a breath when Changkyun leaned into him. The guy was so close that he smelt the sweetness of his natural scent. Wonho braced himself in anticipation for the guy to touch him despite knowing that the dressing room at MCountdown wasn’t exactly the place to be flirting like this.

“The fact that hyung can go from sexy to cute in the course of two seconds,” The maknae murmured against his ear. Wonho pushed down the shudder that flowed through his body; he almost told Changkyun to act more appropriately but the maknae already stepped away from him. He shook the hand-held fan to show Wonho what he’d grabbed from the table behind him before casually walking off. Despite having always been the one to tease Changkyun, Wonho was completely thrown off by the guy’s pace. I’m no match for him, he thought. But at the same time, he was excited and happy to have Changkyun give him just the slightest bit of attention. He found himself wanting more of that—though he would never admit it. He let out a long, uneven breath before attempting to cool himself once more despite it being futile. There was no way his temperature was going down as long as Changkyun was in his life.

He looked down the table and saw Changkyun smiling that dimple-heavy smile while softly speaking to a Monbebe. More than anything, he wanted to hear what Changkyun was saying; he’d never seen a romantic Changkyun before. 

“Wonho-oppa?” Wonho quickly looked up and smiled as a shy Monbebe sat down in front of him.

“Ah, hi,” he said sweetly, “How are you today?”

“I’m…I’m good…” she hid her face behind her hair and was blushing red. Wonho thought her manner was quite cute; he took the album she handed him and searched for his photo.

“Did you eat today?” he asked, looking up at her occasionally as he continued to flip through the photobook.

“Yes…”

“That’s good,” he smiled, “What did you eat?”

“D-doenjang…”

“Hmm?”

“Doenjang…”

“Oh! Doenjang soup?”

“Uh huh…”

“Did your mom make it?”

“Yeah…” Just at that moment, he heard an older woman’s voice shout out, 

“Changkyun-oppa! I love you!” Wonho looked to the crowd of Monbebe before glancing over at Changkyun who sent out a heart. He tried to ignore it and signed the picture quickly. 

“O-oppa…” Monbebe said, her voice small.

“What is it?”

“You signed on Changkyun-oppa’s picture,” she pointed. 

“Ah…” Wonho looked down and discovered that he had, indeed, scribbled on the blue background of Changkyun’s photo. “Sorry about that,” he said. 

“Uh…it’s fine…” Wonho quickly flipped back and forth in search of his face. He thought he’d know where his pictures were in the photobook by now after signing all day. However, he was feeling flustered and frustrated for some reason. His fingers were all over the place. 

“Let me help,” Monbebe offered. She took the book and found his picture almost immediately. “Here…”

“Thank you,” he sighed at his own incompetence before signing and even writing ‘Thanks for helping me out! Apologize to I.M for me.’ She giggled at his comment before thanking him and moving on to the next member. As soon as he made sure she was distracted with Kihyun’s soft voice, Wonho let out an embarrassed sigh. He couldn’t believe he carelessly let his jealousy show in front Monbebe. He suddenly felt ashamed of himself. 

 

After the fan sign, he isolated himself inside his studio—afraid to be around anyone that could affect what he was feeling. He laid back on the small couch and closed his eyes. He’d been so happy that Changkyun finally returned his feelings that he forgot to keep his head on. It wasn’t as though he was an idiot but he didn’t think he’d be so sloppy due to his selfish emotions. He thought he had more control over himself—and especially over his affection for Changkyun. He’d made a promise to himself to get over him; he was actually working hard to let him go because he knew it would only inconvenience the maknae—especially if he had a girlfriend. He was willing to step aside and move on…but then the guy had to go and kiss him and flip his world upside down. 

“Hyung,” he heard a faint knock at the door beneath the sound of Changkyun’s low voice. Wonho immediately sat up but was disappointed in how easily his mood changed from simply hearing him. He rubbed his mouth nervously,

“What do you want, Changkyunnie?” 

“Hyung, can you open the door please?”

“I don’t…” he gripped onto his knees, “I don’t think that’s a good idea.” A moment of silence went by. It felt like both were thinking things through—about their relationship and about what was going on between them. Wonho could admit that he was afraid of the future—especially if Changkyun and him were planning on going down this risky path. He stood up from the couch and laid his hand on the door.

“Hyung, I…I know I kind of rushed things…” Changkyun’s voice was muffled but it made Wonho’s heart pound, “I’m sorry…if you’re not ready or you’re unsure…I’ll understand.”

“Yeah…” he leaned his forehead against the door, “You really rushed into it…you kissed me on the same night you broke up with your girlfriend.” He heard Changkyun laugh softly and in the moment, he wanted nothing more than to see his handsome face.

“To be fair, I broke up with her weeks ago…” the maknae said after a while, “But it didn’t feel right if we didn’t meet up in person—which is ironic since most of our relationship was done over the phone.” Wonho suddenly recalled the day he saw Changkyun talking on the phone with someone and how his expression had changed so dramatically. He didn’t want to think about any sort of pain that girl could’ve caused him—or worse, any sort of romantic things they did together. 

“Changkyunnie…” his eyes were on the ground, “Did she…did she ever hurt you?”

“Huh? Of course, not…”

“So, she was good to you?” Another quiet moment ticked by.

“Yeah…” Wonho licked his lips nervously,

“That’s good…” 

“Wonho…please open the door…”

“Did you…love her?” Once again, he heard Changkyun’s chuckle. Wonho almost got mad at him for laughing when he felt so vulnerable and unsure but the maknae soon soothed his broken heart. 

“In my lifetime, I’ll only use that word for one person…” he said, “If you open the door, I’ll tell you who it is.”

“Changkyun-ah…” he felt his nose become prickly; his eyes suddenly stung. He blinked numerously to hold back his tears but it was hopeless. As soon as he opened the door, he lunged into Changkyun’s arms—nearly knocking the maknae back. He was bigger in size compared to Changkyun but in that moment, he felt like a child. The tears almost escaped his eyes but something stopped his heart from feeling so fragmented—Changkyun’s hand gently running through his hair. Wonho tightened his arms around him and buried his face into his shoulder. He took in his fresh scent, his heat, the feeling of his body, the steadiness of his breathing. It finally sunk in—how much he wanted to hold Changkyun and touch him without holding back.

“Take it easy, hyung,” Changkyun laughed, “You’re gonna break my spine.” Wonho quickly pulled back, rubbing his sensitive eyes.

“Sorry…” He trembled when Changkyun brushed the bangs from his forehead. The maknae had a look on his face that Wonho didn’t recognize. A soft smile was on his lips but his eyes were full of an infatuation that made Wonho blush.

“W-what?” Wonho stuttered; his foolish tongue was interrupted when Changkyun’s knuckle carefully ran down his cheek.

“I finally have you…” he barely whispered. “I’m just…I’m happy…” Wonho tried to hold back his tears of joy but they seemed intent on coming out. He dug his forehead into Changkyun’s shoulder once more.

“Changkyunnie…”

“Yeah?”

“I like you…” he sniffed. “I like you a lot…”

“You sound like you’re quoting your song,” Changkyun laughed. His fingers were soft when they danced along the sensitive area that was the back of Wonho’s neck, “But I like you, too…” Wonho took his hands,

“You want to…come in?”

“I mean that was my intention…but now that I think about it, we tend to do things at the doorway, huh?” Wonho suddenly felt embarrassed as he recalled the night he’d confessed at this exact same spot. He boldly entangled his fingers with Changkyun’s and pulled him into his studio. It wasn’t intentional but when he leaned in to close the door behind them, his nose rubbed against Changkyun’s neck. He paused there for a second before stepping back.

“I don’t want to ruin the mood or anything but…” he tightened his hold on his hand, “I’d be lying if I said the future doesn’t scare me…if…if we’re gonna be together…I think we should learn how to restrain ourselves…in front of the cameras and Monbebe…”

“Hyung, I’ve been restraining myself for two years I’m pretty sure I got it down.” Wonho couldn’t help but smile; he licked his lips to restrain himself from looking like a blushing fool but eventually his full smile seeped through. The tightening and uncertainty in his chest suddenly seemed to disappear. 

“You liked me for that long?” Changkyun smiled,

“Who wouldn’t?” Wonho attempted to remain calm and mature even in this embarrassing moment. Head down, he slowly patted the maknae on the shoulder.

“You’re quite the flatterer, huh?”

“And you’re pretty shy for being our most romantic member,” the maknae teased.

“I’m not…shy,” he was offended but he knew Changkyun only fed off his reaction, “This is just…it’s new to me…”

“Which part?” Changkyun nudged his forehead against Wonho’s, “The dating a guy part, dating a co-worker part, or the dating part in general?” Wonho let out a laugh; he recalled how little Changkyun used to say to him—it always felt like he was holding back or restraining himself. Wonho always thought it was because Changkyun didn’t like him or didn’t want to be close to him or even that, as the maknae, he was trying to remain respectful. But he never thought it was because Changkyun liked him in this way. The more he thought about it, the more he blushed. But at the same time, he felt guilty for not having noticed sooner. Perhaps it’d been his own fault for the delay in their relationship and its progress. If he’d just shut up for a second and actually looked at Changkyun, perhaps then maknae wouldn’t have been involved with that girl in the first place. 

“I’ve been in relationships before…” Wonho said, still feeling shy from the proximity of Changkyun’s face, “Just not with someone like you…”

“Someone like me?” Wonho immediately hid his face from him like Monbebe had done earlier that day. He turned towards his laptop and keyboard, his back facing Changkyun.

“Don’t make me say it,” he said, “It’s too embarrassing.” His body went from tense to relaxed with Changkyun buried his face into his shoulder blade.

“I want to hear it,” the maknae said softly, “Please say it, hyung…” Wonho couldn’t believe how intensely his heart was pounding. He crumbled pleasantly when Changkyun’s arms wrapped around his waist from behind. An unsteady, nervous breath escaped his lips,

“I’ve never dated someone that I love…as much as I love you…” The maknae gave his torso a gentle squeeze. 

“Thanks…” Wonho lay his hand atop Changkyun’s—which was caressing his upper abs. He closed his eyes at the unfamiliar yet comfortable feeling of finally being held so specially by this person. He didn’t think he could achieve a level of happiness higher than the moment he’d realized he was going to debut but here it was. 

“Changkyun-ah,” Wonho reached behind him until he felt Changkyun’s hair against his fingers. He turned his head and felt his breath against his cheek. For a moment, as he gazed into Changkyun’s eyes, he wondered how he managed to go on this long without feeling this warmth. Like the first time, Changkyun moved in initially but he waited for Wonho’s permission before kissing him. Wonho gently dug his fingers into Changkyun’s hair—slightly opening his mouth again the maknae’s. The kiss was soft and more passionate than the first one; Wonho felt like he was melting from the inside. He kissed Changkyun until his lips became wet and his breathing uneven. But even then, he wanted to kiss him longer. After he parted their lips for the first breath, he immediately went into for another but his boldness was interrupted when someone knocked at the door.

“Wonho-hyung!” Minhyuk called out, “Time to eat!” He and Changkyun exchanged the same looks before the maknae smiled and let out a heavy sigh—hitting his head against Wonho’s back. Wonho couldn’t help but laugh as he detangled himself from Changkyun’s arms.

“Ok, I’ll be there,” he shouted back. 

“Ok!” Minhyuk said. Then he added, “Ah, and tell Changkyun to come, too,” before his footsteps faded away. Wonho hadn’t realized his face had flushed so dramatically until Changkyun touched his cheeks and contrasted their differences in temperature.

“Guess Hyungwon told him…” the maknae mumbled, speaking in casual language. 

“Y-yeah, I guess so…” Wonho said—despite knowing Hyungwon wouldn’t do such a thing. Best bet was that Minhyuk concluded it himself. Hell, at this point, he was certain all the members knew—especially with how the two of them were acting. Wonho wasn’t exactly the best at concealing his feelings; after all, he didn’t even realize he’d been in love with Changkyun until a few months ago. This is going to be harder than I thought.

“Do you want to tell the others?” Changkyun asked, taking his hand.

“Not yet,” Wonho half-smiled, “I don’t want to freak them out or anything…”

“Why would us dating freak them out?”

“Well, I…” he looked down nervously, “I don’t want them to think we’re doing something reckless…I don’t want them to think we didn’t think this through…or that we’re being selfish for doing this…it’s…I do feel selfish…I know what’ll happen if this gets out…what’ll happen to all of us. But I…” His voice trailed off and silence followed.

“Hyung,” Changkyun called out to him; he tilted his head, “Wonho…”

“I don’t know what’ll happen to me if I try to push you away again…” Wonho rubbed his forehead apprehensively, “If I can’t be close to you…then there’s no point…” A throbbing ache hit his chest. He suddenly felt as helpless and insecure as he was when Changkyun rejected him. The maknae caressed his face,

“You’re close to me now…” Yes, I am…but why do I get the feeling that you’ll slip through my fingers at any moment? Wonho compressed his lips; when he looked at Changkyun, he felt different…he felt free. And when he touched him, it was surreal. He still had doubts and worries but it wasn’t as though he was going to voice them or place the burden of his troubles on Changkyun—especially not when he was so happy. They’d finally stopped being children and admitted their feelings; and he was lucky enough to have Changkyun reciprocate them. There was no reason to be uncertain or afraid. 

Wonho nodded in response to Changkyun’s encouragement, 

“You’re right I…I should be grateful for what we have now…” he kissed Changkyun’s hand, “Thanks.” From what he saw on Changkyun’s face, he knew the maknae wasn’t convinced. The guy could read him better than an open book. However, he didn’t say anything or confront Wonho’s act and Wonho was suddenly struck with a fear that they would return to how they used to be—where distance was key and awkwardness was essential. I don’t want to lose him because of my own uncertainties, he thought. I can’t. He squeezed Changkyun’s hand,

“You know…it’s probably hard for you…being the younger one,” he said. “I know sometimes it might not feel right to speak to me casually but…but I’m giving you permission. I want you to talk to me like you would your girlfriend…” Changkyun was obviously surprised by this. He narrowed his eyebrows in confusion,

“You mean…?”

“Whatever you want to say to me—I want to hear it,” Wonho demanded, “I don’t want you to hold back anymore…not if we’re going to be like this.” Suddenly Changkyun’s expression became distant; he coughed nervously,

“I’m not sure if I can, hyung…”

“What? Why not?”

“I…it’s just not something I can do easily…”

“I’ve see you talk casually with the others—even Shownu…” Wonho suddenly felt pained and confused; his voice had grown unsteady, “Why can’t…why can’t you do that with me?”

“Because it’s different with you,” the maknae suddenly said. Then it seemed he noticed he’d risen his voice inappropriately; shame was painted on his face. Wonho was abruptly struck with the realization that Changkyun had been thinking and stressing about this for a while now—probably ever since they met. Why had he not noticed it before?

“Tell me, Changkyunnie,” he said softly. “I’m so confused…tell me so I can make it better.”

“It’s not your fault, hyung…it’s…it’s me,” Changkyun’s fingers nervously played with the strings on Wonho’s sweater. “It’s actually kind of embarrassing to admit…”

“What is it?” Wonho grabbed his hands to keep them still. He wanted to become closer to Changkyun in this way—where they could tell each other everything. Perhaps he himself was not there yet but he could still try. Changkyun seemed amused by his own embarrassment but his smile soon faded,

“I’ve…I’ve always been intimidated by you, hyung…” he finally said. “Even though you’re awkward sometimes and flat out act like a little kid…when the moment demands it, you’re mature and so sure of yourself…it’s…you really are amazing. I just…I never thought of myself on the same level as you.” Isn’t that my line? Wonho was shocked. He never knew he and Changkyun felt so similarly about each other. In fact, he thought they were the complete opposites—that one always lacked what the other had. But now he discovered they were more alike than he thought. Such a thing made him only love Changkyun more. 

“Ok…” Wonho said after a moment, “If you can’t do it then…I won’t ask you to.” Changkyun smiled and showed his adorable dimples. More than anything, Wonho wanted to admit that he too found Changkyun intimidating—both as a person and as I.M. But he found his pride as a hyung was already hanging by a thread. And if Changkyun thought of him so highly—what would happen if that image suddenly shattered and he saw the vulnerable man he was underneath? He felt hindered by his own self but not when he was with Changkyun. He seemed to forget all those insignificant things—the overthinking, the worrying, and the fear—they disappeared at the touch of Changkyun’s hand. 

 

“So, Wonho-hyung…is there anything you want to tell us?” Kihyun asked across the dinner table. Wonho froze, stopping the chopsticks from reaching his mouth. He looked around him at the faces of the other members who were now staring at him head on. Hyungwon had a shrimp tail hanging out of his mouth and Shownu was half-way through slurping his bowl. But they were all staring at him and anticipating his response. Wonho quickly shoved the dumpling in his mouth,

“Nope,” he said, chewing loudly enough to drown out the awkward ambiance. He wasn’t ready to tell them—not when he himself was still adjusting to the change. Soon enough, the members had moved on from him and continued eating. Underneath the table, Wonho felt Changkyun’s hand on his knee. He was smiling on the inside but continued holding a serious, unaffected expression—even when Changkyun pinched his thigh playfully. 

 

After dinner, he helped Kihyun clean up as the other members prepared to go to bed. He tried to keep himself composed but in reality, he was dying to tell someone about his relationship with Changkyunnie. The excitement and happiness he’d recently obtained was too much for him to keep inside. 

“I told you it was easier than you thought,” Kihyun said to him as he was cleaning the dishes. Wonho collected the rest from the table and placed them on the counter next to the sink,

“What are you talking about?” he asked innocently. Kihyun smiled smugly at him before shaking his head,

“I’m just glad you two worked it out,” he said. “Maybe this’ll benefit the group as well.”

“Why do you say that?”

“Because…” Kihyun shrugged, “It’s different when you guys are avoiding each other…the mood changes and there’s a lot of tension…it kind of affects all of us.” This was news to Wonho; he wasn’t aware that his constant distancing from Changkyunnie was so obvious. He felt bad for affecting the others when that was about the last thing he wanted to do.

“I’m sorry, I…I didn’t know that,” he admitted. He suddenly realized he hadn’t been noticing a lot of things. As opposed to that, Changkyun always seemed to be observing and watching quietly before acting upon his thoughts—he always seemed effortlessly aware of his actions and the possible outcomes of those actions. It was actually one of the reasons Wonho admired him so much. 

“It’s fine,” Kihyun said. “Sometimes hyung’s just really caught up in his thoughts…you try to avoid involving us so badly that it’s exactly what you end up doing…” Wonho placed the bowls in the soapy water.

“It’s not like…I don’t trust you guys or anything…” he said quietly. “I just don’t want anything to happen to us…”

“You’re thinking we’ll disband if anyone finds out.”

“Well…yeah,” he sighed, “We’re not exactly the most traditional pair either.”

“You mean you’re both male…” Wonho stopped moving for a moment before reaching for the sponge. 

“I know I shouldn’t let stuff like that bother me but…” he squeezed the plastic bottle over the dishes, “But other idols have suffered time and time again for dating someone of the opposite sex. I…I don’t want to imagine what’ll happen to us…to him…if…” He lips had turned dry; he licked them nervously—wanting to change the subject before Kihyun saw him in such a vulnerable state. His voice started off unsteady but soon found its footing, “Ah, speaking of which…you never told me who you were dating.” Kihyun seemed put off by Wonho’s sudden change of topic but still obliged the hyung’s desperation to flee.

“Yeah…uh, we haven’t been dating for too long,” he replied. “I think about a year now…”

“A year?” Wonho’s ears automatically perked up, “That’s half our career! You’ve been hiding it for that long!? Wahh…that means it’s pretty serious, right?” 

“I guess so…but our relationship hasn’t really changed much since we started,” Kihyun wiped the pot with a dry towel and placed it on the rack, “Look, hyung, I don’t want to shock you or anything…” His eyebrows rose,

“Shock me?”

“Yeah,” Kihyun’s lips pursed, “But look who I’m talking to…”

“Wait,” he realized, “It’s one of the members?”

“It’s Shownu-hyung,” Kihyun said bluntly. 

“Shownu?” Wonho was shocked at first but the more he thought about it, the more it made sense. “You guys have been involved for a year? How come Hyunwoo never told me?”

“He’s good at keeping things professional,” Kihyun pointed out, “And so am I.” Wonho laughed and hit him on the arm,

“Are you saying I’m not professional?”

“Ah...” Kihyun attempted to hold back a snicker, “You are a pro…you’re just a little reckless.” 

“Of course, I am,” Wonho pouted, “I’ve got a hot heart.”

“Sure, sure,” Kihyun finished off the rest of the dishes before wiping down the counters. “How is it though—being with him?” Wonho’s heart immediately lurched with excitement from the subject of Changkyun being brought up again.

“I-it’s good…” he stuttered—though he was understating. But he knew that if he continued talking about Changkyun, he’d only want to see him more. 

“That’s good to hear,” Kihyun smiled. He patted Wonho on the shoulder before tossing the towel in the sink, “I’m gonna go to bed now.”

“Ok,” Wonho nodded, “Night.” He finished cleaning the dinner table before washing his hands and heading to the room he shared with Shownu and Hyungwon. His hand was on the doorknob when he felt someone’s presence in the hallway. When he turned around, he found Changkyun leaning against the wall. Wonho jolted in surprise but soon his heart calmed.

“Sorry,” the maknae said with a small laugh, “But I didn’t want to sleep without seeing you first.” 

“You were waiting here for me?”

“Yeah…” Wonho held back a smile as he walked towards the maknae. He held out his hands and was content when Changkyun grabbed onto them. Like always, the touch of his skin against his made Wonho feel relaxed and light. He gently pushed his forehead against the maknae’s, 

“Good night…” he murmured. Changkyun leaned in and kissed him softly.

“Good night, hyung.” Wonho had to take a moment to gather himself after Changkyun left before opening the door and climbing into bed just to think about Changkyun again for another two hours until he finally fell asleep.

 

He scribbled down some lyrics in his notebook before replaying the instrumental on his iPod. “Shine Forever” promotions were coming to an end soon and they were less than a week away from heading to America to continue their world tour. He didn’t know if he’d have time to compose or write any new material for their next comeback—their schedule of being in a different state or country every night sounded impossible. So, he decided to work when he could. Wonho adjusted his legs—which were lying atop Changkyun’s lap—before changing the lyrics he’d just written. After finishing the second line of the chorus, he felt Changkyun’s hand on his foot. He instantly looked up in reaction to the sudden touch. The maknae, too, was concentrating on writing lyrics; he had his headphones in and he was tapping his pen against the paper now and then. But with his other hand, he was tracing the tattoo on Wonho’s foot with his fingers.

“Hey,” Wonho shook his leg from the tickly sensation. A laugh escaped his lips, “Knock it off.” Changkyun pretended to look surprised from the sudden movement and even went as far as to pull out his headphones as though he hadn’t heard him.

“What's wrong, hyung?” he asked not-so-innocently. Wonho clicked his tongue,

“I want to finish this by tonight.”

“I know; you told me,” Changkyun said. Wonho squinted his eyes suspiciously,

“Stop distracting me.”  


“I’m not!” he pretended to look offended from Wonho’s accusation. He held up his notebook, “I’m working super hard over here. See?”

“Ah, you are?” Wonho joked—giving into his charm, “Ok, ok.” He shook his head and returned to his lyrics. But it wasn’t too long before he too was feeling the need to touch and tease the maknae. After a minute or two of glancing back and forth between his notebook and Changkyun, he crossed his ankles casually—which didn’t seem to particularly bother him. But after doing it more than three times, the maknae reached the end of his tolerance. He grabbed Wonho’s thigh, turned him mid-way on the side, and slapped his butt numerous times. 

“Ow!” Wonho cried loudly—half laughing at Changkyun’s reaction. When the maknae calmed down, he briefly rubbed Wonho’s butt to subside the pain before grabbing his pen and notebook again. Wonho sat up and rested his arms on his knees. He hadn’t realized how much he enjoyed watching Changkyun; and how he enjoyed it even more when he was working or rapping.

“Changkyun-ah,” he said cutely. He poked Changkyun’s ear and anticipated his reaction. When Changkyun didn’t respond, he tried again. Only this time, the maknae grabbed his hand and yanked him forward. His nose pushed against Changkyun’s cheek—causing him to become a stuttering, flustered fool. He tried to pull away but the back of his head was grabbed and he was forced to look Changkyun in the eyes.

“You’re more distracting than me,” the maknae said. Wonho shook his head like a baby,

“No, I’m not.” Changkyun wasn’t amused by his aegyo but was smiling anyway. 

“If you really want to get work done, should I go back to my studio?” On instinct, Wonho grabbed the sleeve of Changkyun’s shirt. 

“Ok, Changkyun-shi, I’ll be good,” he pouted. Changkyun smiled before quickly kissing him as a reward. Wonho laid back on the arm of the couch and gave his lyrics a once-over. Ah, it’s complete crap, he thought. He glanced up at Changkyun who was already lip-syncing his work and adding things and erasing accordingly.

“Hey, I.M…” 

“What is it, hyung?” Changkyun said without looking up from the paper. 

“How do you write lyrics?” he asked, “Where does your inspiration come from?” The maknae was still for a moment, as though he were thinking about something, before he turned towards Wonho,

“What about you then?” 

“Mm…for the love songs…I mostly think of Monbebe…” he thought aloud. “I imagine them thinking of us when they listen to them. Is it the same for you?” Changkyun smiled before he looked down nervously and slid his hand back and forth against Wonho’s calve.

“My inspiration…has always been you, hyung…” For a moment, the room was silent excluding the low whirring of the laptop on Wonho’s desk. Wonho took a second to understand the weight behind what Changkyun had just said before it finally sunk in. He always thought Changkyun’s raps were beautiful—like poems; they were creative, real, and full of passion; to think that he’d been the one to inspire such things. His eyes widened from the unexpected attack; he shyly pressed his fingers against his shaking lips,

“Ch-Changkyunnie…” 

“Since we made our debut…I’ve thought of you…” the maknae said with a distant look, “I tried not to but…every time I wrote lyrics…you came to my mind at least once…before I pushed you out of it.” Wonho tightened his lips together in attempt to hold back his tears of both sadness and happiness. He sat up and caressed Changkyun’s face in his hand.

“Really…” he sighed, “Why do you do this to me?” 

“Sorry, Hyung, I…”

“No…don’t apologize,” he exhaled softly before lying his head on Changkyun’s shoulder, “I want to stay like this for a long time…” His body tingled when he felt Changkyun’s hand on his waist.

“Me too, Wonho…” 

 

Wonho nearly tripped after the final chorus of “Fighter” but they managed to finish practice on a strong note. Practicing for the world tour was becoming a strain on his body; every time they did a full rehearsal, he felt like he was dying.

“Good work!” Shownu shouted to them before they all collapsed on the floor. Wonho didn’t even have enough strength to retrieve his water bottle. He faced up to breathe, his chest rapidly and unsteadily moving up and down. Air entered and exited his mouth so quickly that his throat soon became dry. He was relieved when Jooheon rolled his bottle over to him. He nodded in gratitude before unscrewing the cap and gulping the entire thing down. When he stood up, he felt the unpleasant sensation of sweat sliding down his body.

“Ah, I’m so hungry,” Minhyuk cried out. 

“Me, too,” Kihyun agreed breathlessly. Wonho grabbed his towel and duffel bag before joining the others as they left the dance studio. When they finally made it outside, they were met with a frantic manager-hyung. They all automatically began greeting him but he didn’t look like he was in the mood for such things. His eyes quickly scanned the members until they fell on Changkyun.

“I.M-shi, come with me. Now.” he ordered. Changkyun was clearly as confused as the rest of them but didn’t protest; he looked to them briefly before walking forward.

“Changkyun, what’s…?” Jooheon began to ask but manager-hyung had dragged him away before he could finish. 

Wonho was still confused and concerned with Changkyun’s abrupt departure when they got home—as well as the other members.

“It’s probably nothing serious,” Kihyun attempted to reassure him.

“The manager looked pretty damn serious,” Wonho said. He was pacing back and forth in the living room like a mad man and the others could only stand there and watch him. 

“Hyung, it’s late,” Jooheon pointed out, “You should just take a shower and go to bed. I’m sure Changkyun will be fine.”

“Even if I go to bed, I won’t be able to sleep,” he rubbed his eyes tensely, “What the hell could be going on?”

“I think I know,” Minhyuk—who’d been scrolling on his tablet—said. He stood up from the dinner table and handed it to Wonho, “Look, hyung…” It was an unfamiliar page on twitter that was spammed with the Monsta X and I.M tag. Wonho squinted his eyes in confusion. The tweets read, “Rapper I.M and I dated for five months” and followed with selfies of Changkyun and the same girl he saw that night. He scrolled down quickly and read, “I can’t believe he was cheating on me during that time” and more, “He told me he loved someone else on the night we broke up.” And the last one, “I felt like I owed it to Monbebe to tell you the truth about I.M.” In that instant, he wanted to smash the tablet on the floor. But he handed it back to Minhyuk with wobbly hands. Heat climbed up his back and his skin suddenly felt itchy and uncomfortable. It was all he could do not to collapse on the ground. 

“He’s…no…” he whimpered, “It’s not his fault, he…he didn’t do anything wrong…”

“Hoseok,” Someone called out his name but he didn’t seem to hear. Everything seemed muffled and blurry. The room had begun to spin; his mouth became dry. Where was Changkyun? He needed Changkyun. Wonho blinked uncontrollably when Shownu patted him on the back, “Hoseok, calm down,” the leader said, “It’ll be ok.” 

“No…it won’t,” he made his way to the couch and carelessly stumbled onto it. He buried his face into his hands, “This could destroy us…”

“Wonho-hyung,” Hyungwon came over and rubbed his shoulder, “Changkyun is strong…and so are we…we’ll get through this.” Wonho felt his eyes begin to water,

“I…sorry, it’s too hard for me to believe that right now.” He got up from the couch and ran outside before the others could stop him. The wind hit his face hard when he jumped into the cool night. He stumbled down the sidewalk and had to hold himself against a brick wall to regain his strength. Here it was: his worst nightmare come to life—the possibility of Monsta X disbanding for something as petty as a dating scandal. He was going to lose all he had—the dream he’d finally obtained, Monbebe, his brothers…Changkyun.

 

When he got back, he found the house was dark and everyone was already sleeping. He was hoping to find someone still awake so he wouldn’t feel so alone but that wasn’t the case. Wonho was so exhausted from dance practice and everything else, he could only reach the couch before he passed out on it. 

His neck hurt when he woke up the next morning. He sat up and found someone had put a blanket on him. Both the kitchen and the living room were unexpectedly empty and that only birthed more anxiety. He rubbed the back of his neck and stretched out his arms. Then, he remembered what he saw last night and it was all he could do not to panic and stress. He quickly stood up and went to his room to grab his phone. There, he found Changkyun sitting on his bed. Wonho immediately stopped at the door, his heart pounding. The maknae looked like he’d been waiting there all morning. 

“Changkyun…” he walked towards him earnestly but immediately stopped himself from hugging him. His heart sunk at his appearance. It was clear Changkyun had little to no hours of sleep. The maknae stood up from the bed,

“Wonho…”

“Where is everyone?” Wonho asked. 

“They went to eat and then practice…” he answered, “They didn’t want to wake you up…and asked me to stay with you.”

“That was…unnecessary,” Wonho rubbed his eyes tiredly. “I’m fine.” When he looked up, he saw the worry and pain that was on the maknae’s face and that made his heart hurt more than anything. 

“I’m guessing you heard…” Changkyun said quietly.

“Yeah…”

“I…I went to talk to the CEO last night,” he explained. “They told me, they’ll make a statement about it soon…”

“Oh…that’s good.” Wonho licked his lips nervously. “Look, Changkyun-shi…we shouldn’t be skipping out on practice. Let me change and we’ll meet them at the studio.”

“Hyung…” Wonho’s heart stopped cold when Changkyun grabbed his bicep. The maknae seemed to stare straight into his soul, 

“Don’t do this to me…” he said desperately, “Not when I need you the most.” Wonho felt his mouth trembling and his eyes already begin to sting. He looked down to avoid Changkyun’s challenging eyes,

“I’m always thinking of you first…” he admitted weakly, “So I…I just want you to be happy…”

“And you think pushing me away is gonna make that happen?”

“I know what it’s like, Changkyun,” he barked—suddenly feeling too frustrated at the situation and too mad at himself, “This dumb scandal…it’ll keep you up at night. Even when you convince yourself it doesn’t bother you, it creeps up on you when you least expect it and you feel like the world is against you,” he closed his eyes, “I don’t…I don’t want to make it worse. Our relationship…it comes with a risk that I can’t take—not when you’re gonna be the one that suffers.”

“What…what are you saying, hyung?” Wonho wanted to stop talking. He wanted to hug Changkyun. He wanted to cry. He wanted to do anything but tell Changkyun they should stop being together. He was far too cowardly to do it. Without giving him a proper answer, he turned towards his duffel bag and began searching for his phone,

“I’ll tell Shownu we’re joining them,” he said. “You should eat something.”

“I…don’t have an appetite.” Wonho paused for a moment before continuing to dig.

“Ok…I’ll be ready soon.” 

“Alright, hyung…” He waited for Changkyun to leave the room before he sat down. Then when he heard the door click shut, he allowed himself to finally cry. 

 

His shoulders and arms were aching but he still continued to pull the metal bar behind his head. It wasn’t until Jooheon came over and told him to stop before he hurt himself that Wonho finally realized the extent of the pain. His entire upper body was screaming in agony. 

“Hyung, we should head back soon,” Jooheon said, “Get some sleep before we have to leave tomorrow.” When Wonho shook his head, droplets of his sweat sprayed everywhere. He gripped onto the bar again,

“My body needs to look nice for ‘From Zero,’” he explained stubbornly. “I can’t stop now.” Jooheon fretfully bit the inside of his lip, exposing his dimples.

“Do you intend to stay here all night?” he asked. Wonho allowed his arms to fall around his sides; he wiped his forehead with the sleeve of his shirt.

“It’s not like I’ll be able to sleep anyway…” he confessed, “All this shit keeping me up at night…” Jooheon rubbed his shoulder gently,

“Shownu and I will leave first then,” he said, “Drink a lot of water and stretch afterwards, ok?” Wonho nodded quickly before Jooheon gathered his things and left with the leader. They were leaving for Chicago first thing in the morning yet Wonho wasn’t emotionally or mentally prepared for anything. The past couple days had been tough on him and the rest of Monsta X. Starship had come out with a statement to protect Changkyun and the other members; they even went as far as to say the rumor was true but that Changkyun was not currently dating anyone. Wonho was unsatisfied with their gesture but he knew it was the best they could do without making it worse. Since the tweets came out, they’d been under fire by “fans” and even a few Monbebe that were shaken by the news. But Changkyun was attacked the most and it made Wonho feel helpless. He wanted nothing more than to protect him but how could he do such things without exposing himself as the “other woman” that Changkyun had “cheated” on the girl with? Without trying to make it obvious, he avoided the maknae when he could. He tried to remain supportive as a hyung and another member but it was difficult to hold back. Being apart from Changkyun was unbearable but being near him was worse. Every time he accidently locked eyes with Changkyun or they unintentionally bumped into each other, he felt his self-control was being tested. His fractured heart ached to touch Changkyun but at the same time it was begging to be cured by him. 

 

He found himself sitting in the small practice room staring at his phone. One after another, comments pushed onto the screen: “Still hard for me to believe Changkyun-oppa would do this. I.M should leave Monsta X; Who’s the bitch he was cheating with?! This girl he was with is so ugly. I.M you betrayed me!! Monsta X fighting!!! I don’t care I still love I.M. Leave him alone. Changkyunnie fighting! He shouldn’t be dating anyone, he’s an idol! I’m so disappointed in him."

“Why do you do this to yourself, hyung?” Wonho quickly looked up and found Changkyun leaning against the door. The maknae looked pissed and it made Wonho tremble in his seat. “You’re looking at it again, aren’t you?” Changkyun said coldly.

“It’s…It’s not just something I can ignore…”

“But apparently, you can ignore me, right?” Wonho tensed his mouth. He shut off his phone and slipped it into his pocket. 

“It’s easier like this,” he said calmly. “Staying as friends…it helps our image.”

“I don’t give a shit about image,” Changkyun suddenly spat out. He looked directly at Wonho—a complete contrast of what he used to do, “Are you really that scared of being with me that you would go this far? Acting like you don’t care and giving me these crap excuses—I can see right through your act.” Wonho stood up from the chair—suddenly feeling the urge to escape the room. He walked up to Changkyun and blindly fumbled his fingers against the collar of his shirt.

“I don’t want to lose you…” he admitted in almost a whisper, “But every time I think I have you…you’re taken away from me…”

“I’m right here, Hoseok,” Changkyun said.

“But you’re not really mine, are you?” his eyebrows furrowed, “I don’t know, maybe I…maybe we’re not supposed to be together.” 

“Do you really believe that?” He looked at Changkyun longingly,

“Yeah…”

“Then why are you crying?” Wonho took his hands off Changkyun’s chest and began messily wiping away his tears. After a moment, he realized he couldn’t breathe—his sobs were coming too rapidly that he could no longer control them. Changkyun’s hand briefly touched his arm to comfort him. That was when the door slammed open and he heard Minhyuk’s voice.

“Surprise vlive!” he shouted enthusiastically. “Let’s see if anyone’s in the practice room. Ah, like I told you earlier, we usually use this room to practice our vocals and rap. Oh, looks like I.M and Wonho-hyung are in here! Hey guys, say hello to Monbebe…” It seemed Minhyuk had yet to read the atmosphere of the room as he shoved the selfie stick in front of Changkyun’s face.

“Ah…” the maknae took a moment to recover from the tension of the prior situation before waving towards the phone, “Hi, Monbebe…” 

“And Wonho-hyung--” Minhyuk’s voice immediately stopped when he realized what was going on. He pulled the phone back to his own face, “Ah…uh…it seems Wonho-hyung is not wearing any make-up right now so we can’t show him.” Wonho let out a jagged, low breath,

“Sorry, Monbebe,” he said weakly before running out of the room. A part of him wanted Changkyun to come after him but the other part wanted to be alone with his dumb self so he could feel the full extent of his punishment for cutting off the only person he’d ever truly wanted to be close to.


	4. I.M

“Landing at O’Hare International Airport in approximately ten minutes.” The announcement instantly pulled him out of his light sleep. Changkyun rubbed his eyes tiredly before pulling the mask back over his mouth. On his left, Jooheon was still sleeping soundly—one of his headphones still in his ear. He checked his phone for the time before glancing out the window. He could see the bright blue sky speckled with white clouds. In the distance, he saw a thick clutter of tall buildings. The image automatically reminded him of the time he lived in Boston. After stretching out his body, he briefly glanced to the seat in front of him where Kihyun and Minhyuk were out cold. Across the aisle from them was Shownu and manager-hyung and sitting in front of them was Wonho. Changkyun could only see the back of his head but somehow, he knew the last thing the guy was doing was sleeping. It was unfortunate that they had to leave a member behind in Korea; Changkyun knew how badly Hyungwon had wanted to go on the tour with them and he personally wanted all of them together. But his health came first. When they visited him in the hospital, Changkyun knew exactly how he was feeling—the regret and the guilt from sitting back and doing nothing while the others worked so hard. It brought him back to those hard but simple days during Rush Era when he’d received his injury and hospitalization. Everything seemed so bright and surreal then—there was nothing that could stop them and their youthful enthusiasm. And Wonho…Wonho could actually look him in the eye.

The loud voices of Chicago Monbebe greeted them as they walked across the airport floor. Changkyun was so exhausted he could only keep his head down and his face hidden behind a cap and facemask.

“I.M! I.M!” One of the girls called out with a phone in her hand. He couldn’t muster the strength to wave as he heard the phone clicking numerous times. After they finally made it to the car, he managed to wave a couple times before the manger closed their windows and they drove off to the hotel. 

 

“Wow! Look at all the buildings!” Minhyuk exclaimed after pulling the curtains open. With his camera, Kihyun was snapping shots of the tall structures against the cloudless sky. Changkyun pulled open the sliding glass door and stepped outside. The heat harshly pressed against his skin,

“Hyung, you guys are lucky to have a view of the city,” he said, “Jooheon and I only see the parking lot from our window.”

“It’s nice,” Kihyun agreed, “Can’t believe we’re already in America.”

“Did you hear them?” Minhyuk turned, “Chicago Monbebe—they were saying a bunch of things to us in English. I only understood about half of it.” Changkyun laughed before putting his cap back on, 

“I should go back to my room and change.”

“Alright; see you in a bit,” Kihyun nodded. He had a concerned look on his face but it was quickly dispersed. Changkyun knew he and the other members were worried about him ever since the scandal with Jang-mi ignited. He appreciated how much they were willing to protect him; it’d been difficult for him to move past such a thing. The fact that some Monbebe thought of him that way now made his heart ache. But he was touched that some of them were still willing to believe in him and stand by his side. He’d been contemplating whether or not to contact Jang-mi but there was no way that was priority with how quickly the tour was moving. He hadn’t realized he’d hurt her that badly; thinking back on it now, he regretted how irrationally and heartlessly he’d gone about it. But to be fair, at the time, his mind and heart were only focused on one thing.

 

After changing his clothes, he sat on the bed and scrolled through the contacts on his phone. It felt like it was just yesterday that he’d changed Wonho’s name from “Muscle Man” to “One and Only.” He squeezed his lips together before embarrassingly changing the name to “Wonho-hyung.” 

“Changkyunnie,” Jooheon called for him from the door, “We’re leaving.”

“Got it,” Changkyun shook off the upsurge of unnecessary emotions before sliding his phone into his back pocket. They all gathered in the lobby of the hotel before heading out to sightsee and eat. 

He walked next to Jooheon as they strolled down the street. He could hear Wonho’s low voice from further ahead and a knot formed in his stomach.

“You’re being kind of quiet,” his fellow rapper said. 

“Huh?” Changkyun instantly snapped out of his thoughts, “I am?”

“Come on, we’re in Chicago!” Jooheon said nudging him in the shoulder. Then he pointed, “Oh, look at that!” Changkyun followed him towards the odd-looking metal structure.

“Kihyun-hyung,” Jooheon called out, “Take a picture of us.” Kihyun walked over and casually squatted while the two of them did a ridiculous pose together. 

“What are you in the mood to eat?” Minhyuk asked after they were done. He placed his arm around Changkyun’s shoulder. “You can choose for all of us.”

“Ah…” Changkyun knew he was trying to make him feel better but he felt uncomfortable with this attention, “Why don’t we ask Hyungwon?”

“You mean call him?”

“Yeah,” he said. Minhyuk was entertained by that,

“Good idea; then we’ll take a bunch of pictures and send it to him.” He took out his phone and began dialing. Changkyun glanced at the other members who were looking through shop windows and flipping through pamphlets—save for Shownu who was so hungry he had to sit down on a bench. He joined the other three while they were ogling the cakes on display.

“This one is cute,” Wonho was saying when he approached them. He was pointing at a small, white cake with a simple rose design along the circular border, “We can put ‘Monbebe’ on it.”

“No, no ‘Chicago Monbebe,’” Kihyun said, “We can take a picture of it and post it before the concert.” 

“Ooh!” Wonho nodded. The two of them suddenly grew excited and they shook hands. Changkyun ignored the fact that the contact of their hands lasted longer than necessary. He walked further down the street alone and briefly glanced into the glass windows of the restaurants and stores—trying not to think about what would happen if Wonho planned on avoiding him forever. He was upset with hyung but he knew the guy had his share of scandals and scares after being in the business for so long. And he knew Wonho only wanted him to be safe and protected. But Changkyun didn’t appreciate such a heroic sacrifice—not when he wanted nothing more than for them to be together again. 

“Um, excuse me?” Changkyun heard an American woman’s voice behind him. He turned around quickly; she was holding up the map of the area, “I’m a little lost; could you tell me where the Fashion Outlet is?”

“Ah…um…” he suddenly seemed to forget all the English words he knew. “Sorry, I…I’m not from here…”

“Oh!” she realized, “Sorry about that!” She eyed him up and down before folding up the pamphlet in her hand, “So what brings you to Chicago?”

“Uh, we have a…a concert.”

“A concert?” her face lit up, “Are you in a band?”

“Yes.”

“What’s the name of it?”

“I.M-shi!” he heard manager-hyung’s booming voice call out. When he glanced over, he saw the manager barreling towards him and the woman. Before he knew it, the manager had grabbed his arm and pulled him back to where the other members were gathered. 

“Hey, where’d you go?” Jooheon asked angrily, standing up from the bench.

“Don’t wander off like that,” Kihyun said.

“It’s fine, I…she was just asking for directions.”

“Who?”

“That lady back there.” 

“I.M-shi,” the manager put his hand on Changkyun’s shoulder, “I don’t think her intentions were as pure as you think.”

“What? She was just being friendly...” Manager-hyung shook his head.

“Look, with the recent rumors flying around…I think it’d be best if you avoided being alone with any woman…” he patted him on the back kindly, “We don’t want to make it worse.”

“Ah…” it finally sunk it just how delicate this matter was. “I got it. Sorry.”

“It’s fine,” Minhyuk reassured him with a smile. 

“Yeah, it was an accident. Don’t worry about it,” Shownu nodded. Changkyun gave them a small smile in appreciation of their comfort. He knew they were all trying their best to deal with this inconvenient scandal but he himself had to do better than his best to make sure his hyungs didn’t worry about him. 

“So, what did Hyungwon recommend?” he asked.

“Chicago Pizza,” Minhyuk replied happily, “Wonho-hyung, did you find a place yet?” Wonho—who had been sitting on Minhyuk’s left—had his phone in his hand but he looked deeply buried in his own thoughts. Minhyuk had to nudge him in the arm to get his attention.

“Huh? Uh, no…not yet…” he answered after a moment. 

“Here, give it to me,” Minhyuk said, taking Wonho’s phone from his hand. Changkyun couldn’t help but noticed how Wonho’s leg was rapidly shaking—as though he was feeling impatient or even irritated. He automatically knew the reason was because of him—his hyung had obviously been more than worried about Changkyun’s abrupt disappearance. He’s suffering because he has to hold back…just like I have to, Changkyun observed. Hyung, are we really stupid enough to go through with this? I can’t go on forever with you looking at me while hiding behind such a half-assed gaze. And I’m betting you can’t either. Changkyun hated it. Once again, he felt they were pretending to be something they weren’t. They were more than friends and more than co-workers yet Wonho was running away from that truth—that promise they had made to each other. He thought they were long passed this mess yet it returned and poisoned the love between them so easily. Changkyun shook his head, you really are a pain in the ass, hyung. 

 

He changed into his t-shirt and shorts after taking a shower and was fully ready to exhaust himself on the bed. The plane ride took a toll on his sleeping schedule—as well as everything else that had happened as of late. Jooheon’s music was playing loudly from his iPod yet the honey bee already looked like he was sleeping. Changkyun reached over to shut it off but that was when his phone rang. He quickly grabbed it and looked at the screen: Jang-mi. For a moment, he considered not answering it. It could’ve made things worse than they already were. But they hadn’t spoken at all since that night and he felt she owed him an explanation. After going into the hallway, he placed the phone to his ear. He waited until he heard her quiet voice,

“Changkyun?” It was all he could do not to yell and curse at her for ripping away the only man he’d ever loved from his arms. But he remained calm,

“What?” he said, “What’d you call me for?” 

“I…I wanted to see how you were doing…” Changkyun was baffled and confused regarding her intentions. He thought she was a good person—he saw she was trustworthy and genuine; Wonho taught him that—to see the good in people. Unfortunately, this time, he was wrong. He let out a sigh,

“Did I hurt you that badly that you had to do this?”

“I’m sorry…” she whimpered, “But I…I didn’t know what else to do…I loved you so much…and I would’ve loved you forever, Changkyun-ah. The night you broke up with me, I…I tried to remain mature about it. I ate and went to bed like every other night and I thought the pain would fade with time. But I…I just couldn’t let it go…it hurt so badly I wanted to hurt you back.” Looks like you got your wish, Changkyun thought bitterly.

“I didn’t cheat on you…” he said, his voice so cold he scared even himself. 

“I-I know…”

“You told me you believed I would never betray you like that.”

“Changkyun, I was angry--”

“You lied to Monbebe.” He clicked his tongue when he realized his anger was leaking out too quickly and eagerly. After letting out a frustrated sigh, he ran his fingers through his hair, “So, what—are you calling me because you regret it?”

“Of course, I regret it. I didn’t think it would blow up like this--”

“Well, it’s too god damn late to regret it,” he hissed furiously, “It’s already blown up, Jang-mi. It’s over. You thought this would put your claim on me one last time before I erased you from my life forever?” He knew he was getting out of line and was becoming someone he wasn’t the longer he spoke but all he could think of was Wonho’s face the night he’d cried so helplessly that Changkyun thought he’d stop breathing. He gripped so tightly onto his phone, he thought he’d crush it, “I promise you, this is your final chance to ruin my life because once this shit fades out, you’ll be nothing to me.”

“I…Changkyun, I…I didn’t mean…”

“It doesn’t matter what you mean. It’s what you already did,” He gritted his teeth together, “I don’t care what happens to me…but by doing this, you also came after my brothers…I won’t forgive you for that.” 

“Changkyun, please…” she was crying now. “I feel so bad, please. I love you, Changkyun-ah, please…”

“Don’t call me anymore.” He hung up before her frantic sobs could make him feel guilty. There was no reason for him to feel guilty but he did. If he had been honest with the feelings he had for Wonho in the first place, he would have never involved her. Changkyun rubbed his head and sighed heavily. There was little chance he’d sleep after this. He was too worked up now. The sound of a door opening and closing caused him to look up. Sure enough, Wonho-hyung was the one that’d exited his room. He didn’t look like he was about to go to sleep at all; in fact, the muscle maniac looked like he was about to go work out! Changkyun sucked in his breath when their eyes met. For what felt like hours, they simply locked their gazes and shared an awkward silence. Are you trying to speak to me, hyung? Changkyun wondered, because all I understand is that you still painfully love me…like I love you. It hurt so badly Changkyun wondered if he was going to pass out before Beautiful in Chicago even started. Wonho had been the one to look away first,

“Can’t sleep or something?” he asked. 

“No, I…” Changkyun gulped nervously, “I was just getting some air.”

“Don’t you guys have a balcony?” 

“Yeah…” Wonho tightened his lips together as though he couldn’t care less about the balcony before pulling his cap further over his eyes.

“Well, I’m heading to the fitness center so…”

“It’s one in the morning.”

“Yeah, I know what time it is.” Changkyun felt his face flush with frustration and anger. He wanted to shake Wonho and tell him to knock it off—that no scandal was worth them acting like this. He wanted to push his hyung against the wall and kiss him to shut him up. He wanted so many things in that moment but what he wanted the most was Wonho. He wanted him to be his again—to be his one and only. But he no longer had the key to Wonho’s heart—his hyung had already locked him out without giving him a chance to fight for what they had.

“I’ll see you tomorrow then,” he said before feeding Wonho a fake smile. For a moment, he saw the pain, the longing, and the sorrow on his hyung’s face. But Wonho had already disappeared down the hallway before Changkyun could fully acknowledge it. 

 

“Thank you, Chicago!” Jooheon shouted in English, “We love you!” The other members shouted thanks and sent out hearts as the theater filled with Monbebe’s dramatic screams. Changkyun waved at the crowd as he climbed the steps to the upper stage. White confetti rained on top of them as they all gathered together and bowed. When he turned, he noticed Wonho was the one standing next to him. He couldn’t help but smile when he saw the excited and happy expression on his hyung’s face. Wonho’s smile was so wide and full—like Changkyun also saw it in his dreams. He wanted to capture Wonho like this forever…full of love and excitement and happiness—a pureness that cleansed his heart. Despite everything, he smiles so effortlessly and beautifully when he’s with Monbebe, Changkyun thought, I’m a little jealous. He almost wrapped his arm around his shoulders—taking advantage of the blissful moment—but stopped when Wonho took of his cap and raised it over his head to throw it towards the crowd. Monbebe screeched in excitement—their hands in the air preparing to catch and fight for it. Changkyun was completely caught off guard when Wonho placed it on his head instead. He quickly turned towards him and was met with Wonho’s gummy smile. His hyung gently rubbed his back before continuing to wave towards Monbebe as though nothing had happened. For a moment, Changkyun was swept away with the comforting touch of Wonho’s hand and his sudden attention. From something so simple, he was happy. However, this was no time to be swooning over his hyung. Changkyun quickly gathered himself before waving goodbye to Chicago Monbebe. 

He allowed the shock to sink in as they walked backstage—Wonho’s cap still on his head. What is he thinking—messing with my emotions at a time like this? When they finally reached the dressing room, he took a sip from his water bottle before eagerly searching for Wonho amongst all the chaos of their stylists and managers running around. He thanked everyone he passed and even said, “good work” while bowing until he finally found Wonho who was leaning against a spare ladder and wiping his face with a towel. 

“Hyung,” he called out to him. Wonho looked stunned to see him but he still smiled when Changkyun approached.

“That was exhausting, huh?” he said, “Can’t believe they were so loud.” Changkyun wiped away the sweat from his chin,

“Yeah…” he nervously bit his lip before taking off Wonho’s cap and handing it to him, “This is yours.” 

“Thanks,” Wonho took it and looked at it for a moment before placing it backwards on his head—making him look ten times younger. He glanced at the floor somberly and Changkyun knew he desperately wanted to say something to him. 

“Look, Changkyunnie...” Wonho began, “I’m sorry for how I behaved last night…I…I don’t want to make any excuses. It was rude…and unnecessary…”

“Don’t worry about it. I didn’t even notice,” Changkyun said. He turned to leave but was stopped by Wonho’s weak voice,

“Changkyunnie, I…I just…” For the first time, the poetic hyung was at a loss for words; Wonho pursed the lips Changkyun currently wanted to kiss. For a moment, as his hyung gazed at him behind desperate eyes, Changkyun thought he would finally return to him. He thought he’d finally give up this act of friendship and fall back into his arms. However, Wonho’s expression changed before he used the towel to wipe his mouth,

“Good work today,” he said professionally. Changkyun had to rearrange his initial thoughts before nodding politely,

“Good work.” As he left to change, he found himself wanting to laugh at his naïve confidence in the fact that Wonho might just change his mind. He should’ve known by now that it was useless to hope such things—especially from the most persistent and stubborn man he knew. His hyung was working hard to keep him at a certain distance; he was trying his best to be the responsible one—to be the hyung he thought Changkyun deserved. Though it was painful to be away of him, Changkyun knew his intentions were anything but malicious. He may have very much wanted them to be together again but he respected Wonho too much to rid him of the things he believed in. And right now, his hyung believed being apart was best thing for both of them. 

They left for New York that night and, before he knew it, they’d already landed in San Francisco. A week had never gone by so quickly and slowly at the same time. He was grateful to meet the international fans—their concerts always seemed to effortlessly fly by. But when those few hours were over, he felt drained and exhausted. He was now days behind his sleeping schedule. Of course, he could gain back a few hours on the plane or even the short nights at the hotel. But alas, those hours were wasted thinking of Wonho. He kept wondering if his hyung was doing ok—if he was happy or if he, too, was having trouble sleeping. But the thoughts that kept him the most occupied were the delusional imaginings of what they could and should’ve been doing had they continued as lovers. Over and over, he caressed Wonho’s hand in his head, kissed him when he least expected it, brushed the long bits of hair that covered his eyes from his forehead, wrapped his arms around him until they fell asleep. Being so close yet so far from this person suddenly reminded him of how he felt back then—when he could only glace at Wonho from afar. The guy truly felt like an idol standing on another level—someone Changkyun could only look up to. He’d been so relieved that Wonho was finally his, he hadn’t realized the dream could fade away so easily. 

 

“Changkyun-ah…Changkyun-ah.” Someone’s hand was on his shoulder and shaking him awake. Without his head being fully conscious, his body immediately fought back in response to the sudden interruption of his slumber. Jooheon looked utterly shocked—even after he managed to calm Changkyun down.

“Hey, hey…it’s ok…” he comforted him slowly. A drop of sweat slid down the side of Changkyun’s temple. He looked around him and realized he was still in the San Francisco hotel room. The last thing he remembered was coming back from the concert; he must’ve passed out without realizing.

“How long was I asleep?” Changkyun asked, rubbing the back of his head.

“Half an hour or so…” Jooheon answered guiltily, “But you were talking a lot…”

“Talking?”

“Yeah…you kept saying his name…” The honey bee gave him a sympathetic look, “You miss him, huh?” Embarrassed, Changkyun fell back onto the bed—his brain throbbing from the lack of sleep and his eyes itching from the dryness.

“Why didn’t you just let me sleep?” he complained irrationally, “At least in my dreams, the two of us are together…”

“You didn’t sound very happy though,” Jooheon pointed out innocently, “I actually think you were crying…”

“Ah…yeah that makes more sense,” he said dryly. He plopped his hand on his face to block out the artificial light.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Changkyun peeked at Jooheon from behind his fingers.

“I don’t even remember it, hyung.”

“I’m not talking about the dream, I’m talking about you. How are you doing?” He glanced at Jooheon for a moment before nodding,

“I’m fine,” he answered in English.

“It’s never been easy—trying to guess what you’re really feeling,” Jooheon mumbled with a light laugh, “Just let me know if I can do anything, alright?”

“Yeah,” Changkyun nodded, “Thanks.” He noticed Jooheon was wearing a bathrobe and had a towel thrown over his shoulder, “Going for a swim?” he asked curiously.

“Mm, Shownu and Minhyuk are joining me at the pool,” Jooheon patted him on the shoulder, “Want to come with?” 

“Ah, maybe I’ll come down there later,” he smiled until Jooheon left. Then he let out a heavy sigh and turned on his side. First time in days that he’d finally fallen asleep and he was dreaming about him of all things. How embarrassing. 

After washing his face and changing his clothes, he threw his phone on the bed and went out of the room to join the others but just as he was turning the corner of the hallway, he ran into a frantic Kihyun and manager-hyung.

“Changkyun-ah, oh thank god,” Kihyun said breathlessly as he placed his hands on Changkyun’s shoulders. He stared at the maknae with a serious expression, “Is Hoseok with you?” 

“Huh?” his eyebrows rose, “No, he’s not.” 

“Shit,” Manager-hyung cursed. Immediately, Changkyun knew something was wrong.

“What’s going on?” he asked. “What happened to Wonho?” Kihyun’s mouth tightened.

“He went for a jog after the concert. Hasn’t come back since and he’s not answering his phone.”

“What?” He immediately stepped back from Kihyun, “A manager isn’t with him?”

“He left without telling us…” Manager-hyung said. Changkyun turned quickly,

“I’m gonna go look for him.”

“Changkyun, that’s not a good idea--”

“I’ll call you if anything goes wrong.” Before they could stop him, he already ran down the hallway towards the exit. He knew it was stupid to be searching for Wonho when he was in a place he’d never been before—and when he had no clue as to where his hyung could be—but he couldn’t stop the panic in his chest that spread at the thought of something awful happening to him. He couldn’t just sit back or hide in his room and wait for other people to do it—not when the man he loved was possibly lost. 

 

Luckily, it wasn’t too dark yet. The sun was still out but the moon was slowly approaching; he’d have to find him soon. Changkyun looked frantically— running down numerous sidewalks and streets—predicting where Wonho would go had he come across this turn or that bench. When his body could no longer keep up with his insanity, he bent over to catch his breath. His throat was so dry he began to cough. When he straightened himself up, he realized he didn’t know where he was. He’d lost track of the directions back to the hotel a few streets ago. He immediately reached into his pocket for his phone but found it wasn’t there. He tried the other pocket—empty as well. Shit! He wanted to punch himself for having forgotten that only tool he needed to get back. A few people walked past him as he tried to fight down the panic attack that was beginning to rise in the pit of his stomach. He slowly began to stroll down the street—attempting to figure out how to find Wonho and how to get back to the hotel. The buildings and street names were unfamiliar. More and more people seemed to be staring at him strangely. Changkyun still tried to appear casual and cool on the outside—despite the fact that he knew he was done for. I should’ve never gone after him so desperately, he thought with regret. I’m not even his…his boyfriend anymore. Though he was moments from freaking out, he smiled at he thought of the word—boyfriend. In the past, he would’ve never been comfortable with the label—especially when it was another man he was dating. However, because it was with Wonho-hyung, he was more than happy to use that name between them. As long as it meant they were being honest with their relationship.

“I.M?” He looked up from the ground and found three young girls standing in front of him. From how they gawked at him behind blushing faces, he immediately knew they were San Francisco Monbebe. 

“Ah…hi,” he managed to say in English. They all shared small giggles before two of them pushed the third one forward. She attempted to remain collected in his presence but Changkyun noticed her knees were shaking,

“C-can I get a picture with you?” she asked with a gesture. 

“Uh, sure,” he smiled at her politely and waited as she fixed her hair and handed her phone to her friends. Despite feeling uncomfortable and distressed, he did his best to smile, lean in towards her, and hold up the peace sign. Her friend snapped the pictures slower than he wanted but soon they were finished.

“Thanks so much,” the girl said taking back her phone and skimming through the pics; her eyebrows furrowed, “Fuck! These are so blurry, Angie.” Does she think I don’t understand her? Changkyun thought. She gave him a half-assed smile before putting her phone in her back pocket.

“So, um…where are the other members?” she asked. 

“You idiot,” one of her friends said, “Do you think he knows what you’re saying?”

“Hey, ask him about his ex-girlfriend,” the other one chimed in. 

“Oh my god, ask him if he was actually cheating on her.” Changkyun didn’t know what else to do but stand there awkwardly. He knew exactly what they were saying yet he knew it wasn’t right to take out his anger, annoyance, and frustration on three ignorant fools. These weren’t real Monbebe and he felt quite foolish for initially thinking they were. He suddenly missed his members; he wanted to go home and work on raps while Wonho’s gentle head rested on his chest.

“Changkyunnie?” Unexpectedly, a voice that sounded like an angel’s harp amongst the flames of hell called to him. He searched desperately for the voice’s owner until his eyes fell on Wonho—who was standing behind the girls with a confused expression. Ignoring the strangers’ high-pitched chatter, he hurriedly rushed to his hyung’s side.

“Hyung!” Before he knew it, he’d grabbed onto Wonho’s hand, “Hyung, I came looking for you. Why didn’t you--?”

“Won-Ho!?” One of the girls shrieked loudly, interrupting Changkyun’s sentence. All three of them started freaking out and screaming. 

“Oh my god! Oh my god!”

“I want to see his abs!”

“Can I touch his arms?”

“Oh my god, do you think he’ll take his shirt off for us?” Changkyun immediately grabbed tighter onto Wonho’s hand and pulled him along the street. He was just grateful that Wonho’s English wasn’t as progressed as his own so he couldn’t hear their perverted gossip. 

“Hey, Changkyun-ah! Changkyun-ah!” Wonho urged him on when the girls were finally out of their sight. Changkyun let out a deep breath before releasing Wonho from his grasp. They were now standing on a less-crowded sidewalk—which Changkyun appreciated. He hadn’t realized so many hours had already passed since he left the hotel; the blue moon was prominent in the night sky and the traffic lights and lamps illuminated the cement. Wonho was still confused,

“Were those fans back there?” he asked.

“No,” Changkyun shook his head before wiping the sweat from his nose. “You alright?”

“Huh? Yeah, I’m fine.”

“Good,” he smiled in relief before relaxing his gaze on Wonho’s beautiful no-makeup face. He certainly was the only sight for sore eyes at the moment. Just from looking at him, his heart felt pure and full. All ill feelings of discomfort and contempt suddenly left him. He nervously shifted on his feet, “Hyung, why didn’t you pick up your phone?”

“Ah, sorry,” Wonho laughed, “I was trying to do a vlive and it ran out of batteries.” Changkyun wanted to both laugh and cry at his hyung’s adorable child-like personality and at the fact that he was safe. He fought back hugging him with all his might.

“How was your jog then?” he crossed his arms to keep them occupied.

“It was nice…I like how the city looks at night.” Wonho dreamily looked around them—at the lit-up buildings and glowing lights and Changkyun dreamily looked at Wonho. He’s so beautiful, he thought longingly, especially when he thinks no one is watching him. When his hyung’s eyes fell on him again, he immediately looked down—feeling his cheeks flush unexpectedly.

“So, um…do you know how to get back?” he asked nervously. “I forgot my phone.”

“What?” Wonho laughed deeply. “You came looking for me in San Francisco without your phone?”

“I know,” he tried to hold back a smile, “I was worried, alright? Kihyun told me you were gone and I just kind of…ran out without thinking.” He expected Wonho to laugh at him but his hyung remained silent. When he glanced up, he saw his vulnerable, stunned, and soft expression. His dark eyebrows were lifted, his beautiful eyes wide, and his gentle mouth was slightly open as though someone had suddenly pulled all the thoughts from his head. After a moment, he seemed to realize the face he was making,

“Ah, sorry,” he said bashfully, “I was just a bit touched…” Why would you be touched from such a little thing? Changkyun wanted to ask, it’s natural for me to worry about you—as well as the other five members…we love you. He touched his hyung’s arm briefly before shoving his hands in his pockets,

“We should be heading back,” he said, “It’s getting late.”

“Ah…um…” Wonho let out an awkward chuckle, “I don’t know the way back either.”

“What?”

“Uh, I memorized up to this point and then I forgot the rest of the way…” We’re an idiot pair, Changkyun thought hopelessly. 

Wonho seemed amused at Changkyun’s worried and unintentionally funny expression, “Ok, let’s just try to find a map or ask someone if we can use their phone to call the manager.” Changkyun nodded in agreement before looking around him. Unfortunately, no person seemed to be walking around at this hour. And if they were—they were walking too fast for Changkyun to get their attention. 

“Maybe it’s this way,” Wonho mumbled, “I don’t remember this street though.” Before they knew it, they’d walked down a different road entirely and had reached a clustered area that mostly consisted of restaurants and bakeries.

“Ah, I’m so hungry,” his hyung muttered underneath his breath, “Remind me to order some steak when we get back.” Changkyun quietly walked by his side as they tried to look for some sort of map or person that could help them out. 

“Maybe we should go inside one of the shops,” he suggested, “At least there will be people in there.”

“Ah, good idea,” Wonho agreed. They chose a small Thai restaurant they wouldn’t had noticed had the area been crowded. Changkyun nervously hid behind Wonho when they entered. An older woman greeted them kindly,

“Welcome, welcome.”

“Ah…um…” Wonho struggled to find his English, “Can you help?” The woman’s eyes shifted to confusion. Changkyun lightly placed his hand on Wonho’s arm,

“We’re a little lost,” he explained, “Can we use your phone to call for help?” He immediately began to panic when her expression didn’t change. 

“One table for two people?” she asked suddenly. 

“Ah, actually we--” He was interrupted by the sound of Wonho’s angry, growling stomach. Shit, he wasn’t kidding about being hungry, Changkyun thought. Both of them shared the same looks before glancing back at the woman. He nodded, “Yes, please…”

He sat down nervously across from Wonho and began fiddling with the plastic straw. This was the last place he thought he’d end up tonight. Eating alone with Wonho like they had promised each other months ago—it certainly wasn’t planned or anticipated. They hadn’t even done it when they were dating because of their busy schedules. He was surprised with the outcome but also excited. It felt like forever since he’d been alone with him. 

“Sorry that I made you worry and come after me...” Wonho said quietly, his eyes on the table. “I thought I’d only be gone an hour…”

“It’s alright,” Changkyun smiled, “I’m glad I get to eat with hyung…”

“Me, too.” From the distant look in Wonho’s eyes, Changkyun could tell he only took more than an hour on his ‘jog’ because he was thinking and stressing about certain things and ended up losing track of time. Changkyun couldn’t blame him. The world tour was fun but also stressful. He, too, found himself constantly wanting to be left alone with his thoughts. After they ordered their food, they seemed to fall into that uncomfortable, disturbing silence that Changkyun knew too well. There was a lot he wanted to say to Wonho now that they were alone. But there was little point in bringing those things to the surface—especially when their friendship was slowly getting back to the way it was. 

“It’s raining,” Wonho suddenly said, gazing out the window. Changkyun saw little droplets hanging against the glass before he let out a sigh and crossed his arms around the table. He rested his chin on his hands.

“I guess it’s good we came in here then,” he said gloomily.

“Yeah,” his hyung took a sip from his water—the clinking of the ice barely cutting through the silence. They sat awkwardly for about half an hour, occasionally making accidental eye contact. Changkyun couldn’t think of any other topic to talk about—besides work of course—that didn’t relate to the fact that he so badly wanted to be with him. He was sure if he opened his mouth, he’d say unnecessary things that would only anger and confuse his hyung. The scandal still hadn’t died down to this day—those random girls on the street proved that. More than ever, Wonho was being cautious of how to act around Changkyun—especially when they stood in front of fans and the camera. It felt like they were constantly putting on a show—one he didn’t want to be part of.

When the food finally came, he was more than happy to have something to do rather than endure this painful constraint. He shoveled rice and pork into his mouth—realizing he hadn’t eaten since the concert ended. When he looked up from his meal, he saw Wonho’s adorable mouth chewing and eating quite intensely. It was always cute when he was so occupied with eating that he didn’t care how he looked. Changkyun picked up a shrimp with his fork and held it towards his hyung. Wonho ate it without a second thought before gobbling down more rice and noodles. Changkyun held back a smile of adoration; he couldn’t believe someone older than him could be so precious.

“Is everything alright here?” the waitress asked. 

“Yes…uh, can I have one coke, please?” Changkyun said. He looked to Wonho—who nodded shyly—before turning back to her, “Two cokes, please.”

“Two cokes? Ok, sure,” she smiled at him before leaving.

“Changkyun-ah, try this,” Wonho said holding up the bowl of soup. Changkyun took it from his hand and slurped it using the metal spoon. The spicy, peppered flavor immediately slinked down his throat.

“Mm…” his eyes widened but then he began to cough as the heat settled inside his mouth. Wonho laughed—clearly entertained by his reaction. 

“Here, here,” he handed him his water, “Drink this.” Another dry cough left his mouth before he dramatically gulped down the ice water. After recovering, he breathed out—puffing out his cheeks,

“It’s good but…” he laughed, “It’s too spicy…” Wonho had a loving smile on his face—one that made Changkyun’s stomach flutter. He cleared his throat nervously before using his spoon to move the food around on his plate.

“So, is this…is this how you imagined it, hyung?” he asked, “Eating alone with me?” 

“Kind of…”

“Sorry, I’m not that great at talking…”

“It’s ok…” The sound of the pattering rain filled up the stillness that followed. Gazing at Wonho’s emotionless and detached face, Changkyun suddenly began to think about his life—about the things he cared about and the things that actually mattered to him. Doing what he loved to do, living his life the way he wanted, being around the people he loved and supporting them, sharing his love for music with the world—his view on life was really quite simple. Yet, here his hyung was—making it complicated. Changkyun didn’t care about Jang-mi; he didn’t care about the scandal or what they were saying about him out there—not really. It hurt him initially and kept him up at night as he wondered what would happen to Monsta X and to him but at the end of the day, he couldn’t let such dumb things ruin his life. And in this life, he wanted Wonho. Was that selfish of him? Was it inconsiderate to want that despite the fact that his hyung was trying so hard to make things platonic between them again?

The waitress brought their drinks as well as the older woman who’d greeted them at the entrance. 

“Enjoying your meal?” she asked.

“Yes,” Wonho nodded with a smile, “Thank you.”

“You’re so handsome,” she placed a hand on his shoulder.

“Ah? Handsome?” he repeated in English, “Thank you.” Changkyun hadn’t realized he was staring for so long until the woman placed a phone on the table.

“For you,” she said before patting him once more. Wonho’s face immediately lit up,

“Ah! Thank you!” This time, he said it in Korean before he bowed towards her in gratitude. She laughed at his cute charm before looking over at Changkyun,

“Are you brothers?” she asked.

“Huh? No…not brothers,” he said nervously, “Friends.”

“Aah…ok,” the woman nodded awkwardly before she returned to the kitchen with the waitress following behind her. Wonho gave Changkyun a small smirk,

“Friends, huh?”

“Well, I would have said two members part of a Kpop boy group called Monsta X but I don’t think she had the time for that…”

“She seems like a nice lady,” Wonho looked in the direction of her exit, “Do you think she owns the place?” 

“Seems like it,” Changkyun said. His eyes were fixed on the melancholy weather outside the window; the rain didn’t seem to be ending any time soon and it started making him anxious.

“I’ll call the manager,” Wonho-hyung said, noticing Changkyun’s concerned face. He took the phone and began dialing. Just at that moment, a loud rumble of thunder caused both of them to jolt at the same time.

“Oh,” Wonho placed a hand on his chest, “That scared me.” Despite having been startled himself, Changkyun still had time to think that Wonho was extremely cute. He smiled shyly at their shared moment before continuing to eat. Wonho finished dialing in the number and placed the phone to his hear,

“Ah, hyung?” He said after waiting for a couple seconds, “It’s Hoseok…yeah, Changkyunnie’s with me…uh…we’re at a restaurant…I’m not sure…ok, I’ll get the address and text it to you…yeah, see you soon.” Changkyun ate quietly as his hyung did a few more things on the phone before finally putting it down and picking up his spoon again.

“Are they coming then?” he asked.

“Yeah,” Wonho let out his low, deep laugh, “I heard Kihyun and Jooheon yelling in the background…I don’t think they’re too happy about our sudden disappearance.” 

“Ah…” Changkyun chuckled, “They must’ve been really worried.” He finished off the rice and pork on his plate and even helped Wonho with the rest of the spicy soup. After washing their hands, thanking the lady and paying, they stood at the front entrance of the restaurant to wait for their ride. The rain pattered loudly against the roof and windows—muting out any other noise that may have been going on outside. After rocking back and forth on his feet, Changkyun playfully nudged Wonho’s bicep with his elbow.

“Come on, hyung, are you still mad at me?” he cooed cutely. 

“I wanted to pay, Changkyunnie. I’m the hyung,” Wonho pouted, his arms crossed, “Besides, this whole mess was my fault anyway.”

“It’s fine,” Changkyun insisted. Without thinking, he took Wonho’s soft hand and rubbed his palm across his fingers and knuckles, “You can treat me next time.” For a moment, they shared a gaze; a fuzzy, warm sensation climbed up from the pit of his stomach and reached the back of his neck. He wanted to kiss Wonho’s hand that still had the subtle scent of the Thai food on his fingers. 

“Changkyunnie…” Wonho murmured, his voice desperate. “My hand…” He realized the intimacy of their connection and immediately stepped back,

“Sorry…” He slowly released Wonho’s hand from his own but he made sure their fingers remained gently sliding against one another until the last moment. It was risky to be seducing his hyung like this but the stunned and flushed look on Wonho’s face made it worth it. 

In a few minutes, manager-hyung arrived to pick them up. Changkyun thought he’d be mad and lecture them the whole ride back but instead, he just hugged both of them—even though his shirt was soaked from the rain.

“Get some rest before we fly out to LA tomorrow,” he told them as they walked back to their rooms. Changkyun nodded before running his hand through his wet hair. He glanced at Wonho-hyung who was already unlocking the door with his keycard. Though his body was muscular and tough-looking, it was shaking from the cold of the rain. Changkyun wanted to wrap him in a blanket and give him something warm to drink. It was strange because he’d never wanted to do such a thing before—not even to the girls he dated in the past. Wonho seemed to feel his eyes drilling holes into his back and turned around anxiously,

“What’s wrong?” he asked.

“Ah…uh, nothing,” Changkyun said nervously. He nudged his chin, “Good night.”

“Night,” Wonho said after furrowing his eyebrows. Changkyun retreated to his room, shut the door behind him, and let out a heavy sigh of frustration. The room was pitch-black due to the fact that Jooheon was already sleeping. He slowly felt his way through the darkness.

“Im Changkyun.”

“Oh my god!” Changkyun nearly choked on his heart at Jooheon’s unexpected voice. The lamp on the nightstand clicked on and Jooheon was sitting up on his bed, arms crossed.

“What are you doing?!” Changkyun yelled, “You almost gave me a heart attack!”

“Have a nice date with Wonho-hyung?” Jooheon squinted his eyes suspiciously. 

“What?” He was still trying to collect himself.

“I heard you went to eat at a fancy Thai place.” After a moment of staring at Jooheon and attempting to keep his poker face in check, Changkyun let out a defeated groan before he plunged face-down into the mattress of his bed.

“You make it sound so romantic,” he muttered.

“It wasn’t?” Changkyun gripped onto the feathery pillow.

“He acted like Wonho-hyung,” he complained, “It wasn’t exactly a date-like experience.” 

“Well, what did you expect? Feeding each other and drinking from the same glass?”

“I didn’t expect anything,” he turned onto his back, “I was…I was happy to be spending time with him but…it was hard…I couldn’t talk to him for real…couldn’t tell him how I felt…because I didn’t want to hurt him…”

“You guys are honestly so annoying,” Jooheon buzzed, “Always trying not to inconvenience or hurt the other…I understand you have this hyung and maknae thing going on but jeez…is that how you really intend to live?” Changkyun looked at him—completely stunned. 

“Jooheon-shi…”

“You like him, don’t you?” Jooheon rubbed his eyes tiredly, “Wonho-hyung’s a cool guy. I’ll support you so…stop being so damn polite and show him a rapper’s heart.”

 

They landed in Los Angeles at about 4AM the next day. Changkyun pulled his suitcase along; his mind felt separated from his body. He estimated getting about two hours of sleep last night and about another hour on the plane. After piling into the van, the members began to discuss the sleeping arrangements at the hotel. Changkyun was far too drowsy to hear what they were saying but his attention immediately perked up when he heard Wonho frantically ask, 

“With Changkyunnie?” Changkyun gradually sat up in his seat—his eyes barely open.

“Yeah,” Kihyun replied, “Shownu and I are sharing and Jooheon and Minhyuk want to room together. Is that cool?” Changkyun curiously looked from one member’s face to another. Minhyuk was holding back a mischievous smile and he kept looking at Jooheon for a reply grin. There was clearly something else going on here. Had they planned this? Changkyun noticed there was obvious panic in Wonho’s eyes before he licked his lips,

“Changkyun can sleep alone,” he said—attempting to sound courteous, “I’ll room with manager-hyung.” 

“Ah, no can do,” Kihyun said regrettably, “Hyungwon’s finally joining us tonight. He’ll be sharing with the manager.” Hyungwon was in on this, too? Changkyun couldn’t believe it. 

“Oh…ok…” Wonho blinked numerously at the realization that the odds were against him, “Sounds good then.”

 

He waited patiently as Wonho unlocked their room and pushed the door open. It was quiet and awkward as they chose their beds and began to unpack. Changkyun placed his laptop on the table by his bedside and plugged the battery in. He had to keep himself occupied or the uncomfortable atmosphere of the room would get to him. After unpacking the essentials, he exhausted himself on the bed and closed his irritated eyes. No matter how awkward the mood, he knew he’d fall asleep if it was quiet enough. He needed to rest before the concert tonight—even if it was just a few hours. 

“Changkyunnie?” Wonho called out to him, “Are you hungry?”

“Mm?”

“Do you want to go eat with the others before we leave for the concert?” Changkyun was so deep in the enticing blackness behind his eyelids that he could barely muster enough strength to shake his head. “Are you sure?” Wonho asked. Changkyun nodded, his eyes still closed. He could’ve sworn he heard Wonho chuckle softly. 

“Ok,” his hyung said, “We’ll be back in an hour or so.” Changkyun nodded again before he heard the faint closing of the door. Then, he willingly plunged into sleep. 

He dreamt of No Mercy—of the first time he saw Wonho in person. Then, of the first time he hugged him. And of the final moment when Monsta X had been officially chosen. They were standing on their pedestals just like it occurred in real life. Only, after they thanked the judges and producers, Wonho had stepped down from his stand and ran over to Changkyun’s. He grabbed onto Changkyun’s sweater and kissed him—in front of the members, the staff, the cameras—everyone. When he pulled back, he was no longer the Wonho that had met him only a few weeks ago. It was his Wonho—the Wonho that knew him and learned to love him. They’d once been strangers—enemies even. But they became friends—comrades that relied on each other. Then they became lovers for a short time…and now…what were they?

 

His body felt surprisingly refreshed when he woke. He sat up on the bed and was greeted with the smell of steak. At a low volume, Big Bang senior’s song “Last Dance” was playing from Wonho’s phone. Changkyun rubbed his head and yawned. He looked around him and found the room was empty. When he got up to use the bathroom, he noticed the take-out tray sitting on the table as well as a bottle of coke. Changkyun was touched that Wonho thought of him and even brought him something to eat. In fact, he was so touched that he didn’t bother knocking when he opened the bathroom door and walked in on Wonho changing.

“Oh!” he uttered loudly, “Hyung, I--sorry I didn’t know you were…” Wonho stared at him wide-eyed before pulling the rest of his shirt over his torso.

“You’re awake,” he said. 

“Yeah,” Changkyun rubbed the back of his head, “Sorry, I’ll let you finish.”

“It’s fine, I’m pretty much done,” Wonho said. He grabbed his jacket from the sink before exiting. Changkyun took a moment to find his breathing again before he washed up. He’d seen Wonho’s muscles during “From Zero” multiple times now so why did he feel so flustered from barely seeing his abs? The guy was so cool and manly and handsome. The way he held himself with maturity and dignity; and how he was unintentionally badass with how he walked or grabbed his jacket. It made Changkyun feel like Monbebe—swooning over him like he was the most popular, good-looking guy in school. He guiltily cooled down his head with water before heading back out.

“You should eat quickly,” Wonho said to him. “We leave in half an hour.” 

“Oh…ok,” he looked at the takeout box and once again wanted to cry, “Uh…thanks, hyung.”

“It’s nothing.” Changkyun nervously sat down at the table, opened the tray, and began cutting through the steak. As he ate, he snuck glances at Wonho—who looked very concentrated on his laptop screen. His hyung would narrow his eyes in confusion, casually wipe his nose, move his lips as he read things, take a sip from his Starbucks strawberry drink, scratch his jawline, pout his lips—a bunch of normal fidgeting that another person wouldn’t think twice about. But to Changkyun, it was the most beautiful thing he’d ever seen. 

 

Hyungwon finally joined them before they head out to the venue. It was nice to see his brother again—and in better health. Changkyun could only imagine how frustrating it must’ve been for him—especially after the other six had already been to Hong Kong and five states of the U.S without him. He could tell Wonho was happy to have him back, too; they were close friends after all and Changkyun knew Wonho always preferred when Monsta X were all together. 

They did a full rehearsal with all seven members for review before they took a short break. Changkyun laid back on the couch in the lounge—even more exhausted than he’d been earlier that day. Hyungwon was sitting on the chair next to him and casually eating some egg bread. They’d been the only two in the room for the past couple minutes—save for Kihyun going in and out to grab a drink from the vending machine or his camera or a fan. Like usual, the atmosphere between them was calming and relaxed. He always felt like himself around Hyungwon-hyung. 

“Hoseok’s acting weird,” Hyungwon said suddenly. Changkyun opened one of his eyes,

“What?”

“He’s different…I can’t explain it.” He chewed for a few seconds before taking another bite, “Did something happen?” Changkyun stared at Hyungwon; even after being away for two weeks, he could immediately sense the status of their relationship—he was impressed.

“Ah…maybe the world tour is getting to him,” he said.

“You guys broke up, didn’t you?” Changkyun laughed at his bluntness. He sat up and ripped off a piece of the bread.

“We barely started going out…”

“Don’t give me that garbage,” Hyungwon said. “I’ve never seen him smile as much as when he was dating you.” Changkyun wanted to believe in the idea—in fact, it made his heart warm—but he couldn’t let it get to his head.

“Well, it’s…” he ate the piece of bread slowly, “It’s over now.”

“Is it?” Hyungwon shrugged, “Could’ve fooled me.” 

“What do you mean?” He watched as Hyungwon stood from the chair and dug into his pocket. When he got to the vending machine, he pulled out some spare coins.

“Ah, I only have Korean change,” he mumbled. Changkyun brushed his hands together,

“Are we…are we that obvious?”

“Of course, you are,” Hyungwon finished the bread and crumpled up the wrapping, “You’ve been obvious for two years now.” Changkyun let out a sigh. There was no getting past this hyung. 

“Seriously…I don’t know what to do,” he confessed, “How…how do you get along with him so easily? Why is it just me that can’t seem to talk to him normally?”

“Because you’re madly in love with him.” Hyungwon tossed the trash in the garbage and readjusted the collar of his top, “And I’m pretty sure once he’s done being a little kid, he’ll admit the same thing.” 

“Hyungwon-ah…” Changkyun sat there frozen and dumbfounded. He couldn’t think of a proper response; he was too baffled by how simply Hyungwon had laid everything out. I just don’t want to hurt him, he thought, but who says I’m not hurting him now by being apart from him—by pretending to be something we’re not?

 

They bowed before Los Angeles Monbebe and thanked them numerous times before finally finishing off their U.S tour. The ride back to the hotel was quiet yet satisfactory. They all felt a sense of accomplishment—as well as a bit of enlightenment. This was what it meant to be idols—communicating with fans across the world and now, after experiencing this first week, Changkyun knew they could do much more than what they were given credit for.

“Can’t wait to get back to Korea and sleep in my own bed,” Minhyuk said as they all tiredly stumbled down the hallway. 

“Yeah, it’d be nice to see Korean Monbebe again, too,” Jooheon added. Still chatting drowsily, the two of them disappeared into their room. Soon, Hyungwon left with the manager to their sleeping quarters and Shownu and Kihyun went back together as well. One by one, the other members left until it was only him and Wonho-hyung. Changkyun unlocked the door for them,

“Did you want to eat or anything?” he asked, “We can order room service…”

“I’m too tired to eat,” Wonho sighed with a laugh. He rubbed his eyes tiredly. “I think I’ll shower and go to bed.”

“Ah…ok,” Changkyun nodded before closing the door. He walked over to his bed, sat down and began removing his shoes. So, this is how it was going to be? They were supposed to continue on like this? As professionals? Friends? For how long? Until they buried their feelings deep enough? Until they forgot them? Changkyun shook off his jacket and threw it onto his opened suitcase on the floor. He’d never roomed with Wonho-hyung before but he was finding it unlike anything he’d imagined. It was surprisingly normal—plain even. He wanted to talk to him like he would have had none of the drama with Jang-mi happened. But there was a wall there between them and Wonho made sure it stayed up. Changkyun rubbed his face, frustrated as Wonho disappeared into the bathroom. Moments later, he heard the shower running and that was when he realized perhaps it was futile to keep wishing and hoping they could still be together. Wonho seemed intent on making this friendship thing work. And since Changkyun couldn’t find it in himself to hurt or disregard him, it was more than likely they’d be stuck in this unsatisfying and incomplete middle ground.

A little over half an hour later, Wonho finally came out in a lose t-shirt and shorts—his black hair wet and slightly pushed back. Changkyun looked up from his laptop where he was working on songs and was completely thrown off by his simple yet seductive appearance. He shook his head quickly to dispel inappropriate thoughts.

“I’ll go to sleep now,” Wonho said, briefly drying his hair before sitting down on his bed, “Good night…”

“Hyung...” 

“What?” Changkyun tightened his lips together quickly before closing his laptop. He looked over at Wonho and felt a painful, sharp tugging inside his chest. 

“I…can I talk to you for a little bit?” 

“Huh?” Wonho’s eyebrows furrowed, “I guess…” Changkyun set his laptop on the desk and stood up from the bed. He began to walk towards Wonho but his hyung’s senses were hyperaware. He stood quickly and pressed his back against the wall—maintaining a distance between them; his face was vulnerable and afraid and Changkyun could see that his hands were shaking.

“I just want to talk…” he assured him softly.

“Yeah…ok…” Wonho nodded, “Then let’s talk like this…” Changkyun stopped walking; he couldn’t believe his hyung was expecting them to have a conversation four feet apart from each other. Did he want to be away from him that badly?

“Do you have a problem with me?” he asked. Wonho looked hurt from the harshness of his voice but Changkyun was fed up with his hyung’s efforts; he had to get through to this man one way or the other because this pain…this pain wasn’t worth it. 

“N-no, I don’t…” Wonho said, his voice shaking. Changkyun stepped forward, birthing fear in Wonho’s glossy gaze.

“Then let me talk to you like a normal person, ok?” When he got close enough, Wonho’s hand slightly pushed against his chest,

“Changkyunnie, don’t…” he pleaded. Changkyun almost grabbed his hand but Wonho didn’t allow him to. His hyung wiped his mouth nervously, “Just…just say what you want to say…”

“What—so, you can just ignore me and move on?”

“That’s not what I--”

“You’re always like this,” he shook his head. “Stubborn as shit. Just like on the night I left for my surgery—you refused to look me in the eye.” Wonho was suddenly irritated by this; he stared daggers through him,

“Is this what you wanted to talk to me about? My stubbornness?” 

“Of course not, hyung, I just…” he clicked his tongue and let out a deep sigh. Both of them were becoming heated and annoyed by the situation they had put themselves in. But taking his frustrations out on the wrong person was about the last thing Changkyun wanted to do.

He rubbed the back of his neck, “I…I don’t want to do this anymore…” Wonho’s dark eyebrows creased,

“Do what?”

“The acting…the pretending…” his lips tightened in attempt to hold back the pain he felt, “I can’t just be friends with you…I…I need to hold you…and kiss you…I need you, Hoseok…” Wonho was staring at him with lustrous, wide eyes; his lips were trembling and he looked moments from crying. He tried to turn away but Changkyun grabbed his arm quickly,

“Don’t…” he said. “Don’t run away from me…”

“Changkyun-ah…please…” his hyung covered his trembling face with his hand. “I can’t…we can’t do this…” Changkyun placed his hand on the wall and leaned in towards Wonho’s soft neck.

“I know why you did it, hyung…” he said, “You wanted to protect me…you thought it’d be better if we broke up…but nothing was worse for me…than being apart from you—not even a stupid scandal.” He placed his forehead on Wonho’s shoulder, “You’re the only one that can make me happy, hyung…” his voice suddenly faltered and his eyes began to water, “I needed you the most…but you were the first to leave…” The awkward atmosphere suddenly turned melancholy but Changkyun didn’t particularly mind—as long as it was real. It was so quiet that he heard left over water drip from the shower. After another silent moment passed, Wonho finally spoke.

“Changkyunnie…” he felt Wonho’s hand on his neck, “I’m sorry…I didn’t…I didn’t think I was enough…”

“Of course, you’re enough,” he gripped onto Wonho’s shirt, “You’ve always been enough for me, hyung…” When he looked up, he saw a tear slide down Wonho’s cheek. On instinct, he softly wiped it away with the back of his hand. Even though he was crying, Wonho let out a choked laugh; then his face completely fell apart before he buried it in his hand.

“Sorry…” he wept, “I’m sorry, Changkyunnie…” Changkyun placed both hands on his broad shoulders and pulled him until his arms fully wrapped around him. He felt Wonho’s wet tears drop on his shirt but that only made him hug him tighter.

“It’s ok, hyung…” he sighed, brushing his fingers through Wonho’s damp hair, “I’ve got you now…”

“It…it was so hard to…I just wanted…but…I was so scared that I lost you forever…” Wonho’s voice cracked and he was crying so uncontrollably, Changkyun could barely make out what he was trying to say. He hushed him gently and kissed him on the neck,

“Don’t cry…” he murmured. He pushed his forehead against Wonho’s. His hyung’s eyes were red and watery and his lips were trembling. Even after crying, he was as handsome as ever. Changkyun gently caressed his face in his hands, “I’m here…” Wonho nodded like a baby and sniffed,

“I’m sorry, I’m not…the hyung you deserve…” his voice shook, “I wanted to be someone you could depend on and look up to…someone reliable…that didn’t falter—even in emotional situations.”

“You don’t have to be anything else but yourself, Wonho,” Changkyun sighed. “And who says I don’t already look up to you?” He lightly traced his thumb against Wonho’s bottom lip, “You’re already way ahead of me so…how ‘bout you rely on me sometimes, too?”

“Changkyunnie…”

“Hoseok…” he pressed their lips together for a short time yet he already felt Wonho shudder underneath their brief contact. He smiled warmly, “I love you…” Wonho licked his lips and another round of tears escaped his eyes when he closed them,

“I love you, too--” Before he could finish his sentence, Changkyun had already kissed him again. He gently pushed Wonho against the wall—his hands caressing Wonho’s face. His body sighed pleasurably when he tasted Wonho’s lips after what felt like an eternity. They were salty and wet from his tears but it made Changkyun smile against his mouth. My emotional hyung, he thought lovingly, what have I done to deserve someone as sweet as you? His thumb gently slid down Wonho’s jawline until his hyung’s mouth slackened and his lips slightly parted. Changkyun gradually moved in closer to Wonho—his heart beating heavily beneath his chest. His hands slid down Wonho’s neck and his shoulder. His fingers gently danced and traced down the pleasant veins on his arm. His cheeks flushed when he found the boldness to slide his tongue between his hyung’s lips. Wonho let out a surprised moan that made Changkyun almost stop but his soft and warm hand caressed Changkyun’s face and pulled him closer. Their bodies gently pressed together as their tongues bashfully met. He slid his hand into Wonho’s and squeezed tightly. I love you so much, he wanted to say over and over again, I want to hold you and cherish you forever. He wanted Wonho to know how much he meant to him—how happy he made him. He only hoped the kiss was enough to show that.

“Changkyun-ah…” Wonho sighed sweetly when they finally pulled back. Changkyun enjoyed the feeling of his burning hands on his face. He placed his own hands atop Wonho’s and pressed them harder against his skin.

“I know…” he murmured. He leaned in and kissed the sensitive area beneath Wonho’s ear causing his hyung to let out a restrained whimper.

“It tickles…” Wonho laughed. Changkyun wrapped his arm around Wonho’s waist and softly pressed his lips against his tender neck. This time, Wonho-hyung’s voice was caught into his throat. His hands gripped onto Changkyun’s arms—as though he was too weak to remain standing. Changkyun inhaled his pearly skin and smiled,

“You smell nice…”

“Ah…” Wonho shuddered pleasantly from the feeling of Changkyun’s breath on his sensitive neck, “Don’t talk…” 

“Sorry,” Changkyun chuckled. He kissed Wonho’s neck one more time before pulling back. Smiling, he tucked bits of Wonho’s hair behind his ear, “Please, don’t push me away again…ok?” Wonho nodded,

“Ok…”

“Whatever happens to us…” he softly rubbed Wonho’s earlobe between his thumb and finger, “Especially through the hard stuff…I want you by my side…”

“Me, too…” 

“Good…” Changkyun kissed him again before lifting Wonho’s hand and brushing his lips against his knuckles. He wanted to say more but found that—for probably the first time in his life—words were useless. What he was feeling, he couldn’t describe. He could only gaze into Wonho’s eyes and hope that he understood; when Wonho’s expression softened and he nodded, he knew that he did.


	5. Hoseok

The cigarette between his fingers was becoming shorter and shorter as time went on yet he didn’t seem to notice. Hoseok wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. He glanced up at her with an indifferent expression,

“So, what—you want to be with me or something?” She nervously bit her lip before adjusting the band of her skirt,

“You don’t have to say it so angrily.”

“But I am angry,” he tapped the cigarette—causing ash to fall on the ground. He pretended to flip through the kpop magazine that was lying on the cement floor in front of him, “I vividly recall explaining to you when we first met—I don’t date.”

“We can give it a try, Hoseok,” she insisted before kneeling next to him. He could see in the corner of his eye her reluctant hand wanting to touch him.

“I’m not saying this ‘cause I want to hurt you, Seoyun,” he sighed, “It’s for your own good—I’m not capable of this doing this…this ‘romance’ thing.”

“How would you know that? You’ve never even dated anyone seriously before…”

“I just know…” he shrugged before putting the cigarette out on a male idol’s face. “It’s not like I’m being cynical here…love and all that shit about destiny—it’s great. It’s just not me. I’m more realistic than that.”

“Hoseok…” her lips pouted, “I’m telling you I love you here…why can’t you just give a girl a chance?” He looked at her curiously before shaking his head,

“Find someone else. I’m not worth the trouble.”

 

Wonho woke up with a sharp ache in the muscles of his neck. When he lifted his head, he was immediately reminded of where he’d fallen asleep the night before—on Changkyun’s arm. He tried not to wake the sleeping maknae as he sat up but his efforts were deemed useless because Changkyun woke the second he moved. Changkyun stretched his arms out before opening one of his eyes and looking up at him suspiciously,

“Going somewhere, hyung?” he asked. 

“The bathroom…” Wonho replied innocently. Changkyun laughed softly before turning on his side,

“My arm is numb.” 

“Sorry,” he gently rubbed his hand against Changkyun’s bicep and forearm, “It wasn’t as comfortable as I thought it’d be…” The maknae smiled,

“I’m sure we’ll have more opportunities to practice our cuddling …” Wonho suddenly felt flustered at the thought; before he knew it, his hand had found Changkyun’s. It slid inside like a puzzle piece.

“I had a weird dream,” he said, his gaze lingering, “About my past…” At this bit of information, Changkyun sat up. He layered his other hand over their entanglement.

“You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to, hyung…” Wonho finally looked at him and was overwhelmed with happiness. He couldn’t believe he found someone so special. 

“I want to…” he said. Changkyun smiled warmly and suddenly everything was brighter. Wonho wanted to cry. He told Changkyun about Seoyun then—about how he broke her heart and didn’t feel a bit of remorse; about how he used to think he was above falling in love; and about the fact that he pitied anyone that could ever love another person so much that the logical parts of their brains were constantly being compromised. 

“She’s married now,” Wonho concluded, “I think she has two kids…ah…really…it’s a bit embarrassing to be saying this…”

“You were a kid, hyung,” Changkyun said, “We all have those embarrassing stories…”

“It’s not something I like to think about—how I was back then,” he admitted with a laugh, “I guess now I…I’m trying to make up for all the damage I caused…” 

“Well, you have to do a little damage to grow, right?” Wonho smiled,

“I guess so.” He brought Changkyun’s hand to his lips and kissed the top of it, “I’m…I’m glad I found you…even if it took me this long…”

“Hyung…” Wonho barely saw his vulnerable and touched expression before the adorable maknae buried his head into his shoulder. As opposed to a couple nights ago when they finally decided to give into their feelings and he was serious and in control, Changkyun was being incredibly cute. The duality of the mature yet adorable maknae made Wonho’s heart flutter. He snuggled his cheek against Changkyun’s hair.

“Maknae-ah,” he purred, “You’re cute.” When Changkyun didn’t respond, he gently nibbled on his ear until the maknae grabbed onto one of his pecs. 

“Gah--!” he uttered loudly before grasping Changkyun’s hand, “D-don’t attack me so suddenly. Your hyung is really sensitive…” The maknae laughed,

“You’re the one chewing on my ear.” Wonho found himself, once again, fumbling with Changkyun’s fingers. He suddenly felt grateful for having this moment of warmth and bliss; the weeks that they’d spent apart were probably some of the most difficult in his life—especially with the heavy and fast pace of the world tour. He’d done his best to remain unaffected from Changkyun’s absence but he could barely keep his head above water. He was suffering underneath a smile…but he knew Changkyun had it worst and now that he was aware of how much the maknae needed him, he couldn’t shake off the guilt for having pushed him away. He wanted to apologize but he knew Changkyun would only scold him for saying that word again. He’d repeated it so many times that night that the maknae had to kiss him to shut his mouth. Despite Changkyun’s forgiveness, Wonho still couldn’t help it. He did feel sorry for what he’d done to Changkyun and to them. After all, he’d constantly done it for the two years they’d known each other. Every time he felt he was getting closer to Changkyun, he ran the other direction. He immediately closed his heart in fear that the guy would seep into it and dye him a different color.

Wonho climbed back into the bed; he shifted his position until his ear was against Changkyun’s warm chest. A sigh left his lips when he heard his pulsating heart. 

“Changkyunnie,” he murmured, his hand walking across Changkyun’s stomach until the maknae intertwined their fingers yet again.

“What’s up?”

“How are you?” 

“Right now? I’d say I was pretty good.” Wonho smiled when he felt Changkyun’s arm around his waist. He relaxed his body against the maknae’s until their heat seemed to melt together.

“I meant with everything that happened with that girl…”

“Oh…”

“I know…I messed up on my chance to be there for you…” he licked his lips nervously, “But I need to know that you’re ok…” His heart stopped when Changkyun unexpectedly kissed the top of his head. Ah…really…this guy is merciless. He wanted to hide away for feeling so moved from something so simple and innocent—something his mother used to do to him; he just thanked goodness that Changkyun couldn’t see his face. 

“I’m fine now, hyung,” Changkyun assured him before giving his hand a squeeze. Wonho appreciated the soft gesture but he still felt regret. He shyly adjusted his legs so that they slightly layered atop the maknae’s. 

“You…” he didn’t intend for his voice to sound so defeated but it did, “You told me that she never hurt you…” Before he knew it, he’d dug his head into Changkyun’s chest out of anger and embarrassment. “I’m sorry, I just…I don’t know her…and I’m sure she was really hurt…but…I feel so angry…and regretful…that someone like that…got to see you like this…”

“Wonho-hyung…”

“She didn’t deserve you…” his eyebrows furrowed, “And I probably don’t either.”

“Hey…” Changkyun released his hand and slid his soft fingers underneath Wonho’s jaw until Wonho finally gave into the sensation and looked up at him. “It’s always been you, hyung…” he said when their eyes met, “Will you remember that for me?” Wonho already felt his eyes watering but he fought down the tears.

“I’ll try…” he nodded. Now that their faces were so close, his gaze was fixated on Changkyun’s lips; they really were gorgeous—and treated Wonho’s own so softly and intensely at the same time. He lifted himself up on his arms and hovered over the maknae. Surprisingly, from this angle, Changkyun looked even more handsome and manly. 

“What are you thinking?” the maknae asked, looking up at Wonho with a mischievous smile. Wonho tenderly traced Changkyun’s cheekbone, across his cheek, down his nose, and then finally his lips.

“I’m thinking…that you’re beautiful…” Changkyun seemed more amused than flattered by his sappy line but Wonho wasn’t too offended since his favorite dimples showed. He gently nudged his nose against one of Changkyun’s dimples before kissing it. The subtle scent of the maknae’s skin was becoming more familiar to him and, lately, he’d found himself craving it. He shuddered pleasantly when Changkyun caressed his face. Every time Changkyun touched him, it felt like the first. For some reason, now that they were lovers, his body felt reborn—overly sensitive and vulnerable but only to the maknae’s touch. It made Wonho want to squirm and hide himself from the world due to the humiliation. He was supposedly the older, more experienced one yet Changkyun made him feel like he’d only just recently blossomed. 

“Changkyun-ah…” his eyes fluttered close as Changkyun’s fingers gently slid down the front of his mouth.

“Hyung’s lips are so soft…” the maknae observed innocently but it made Wonho’s cheeks flush. He leaned in and kissed Changkyun briefly before pushing back the orange-brown locks from his face. When he looked into the maknae’s infatuated and seductive gaze, he couldn’t help but think about those many times in the past where they purposely avoided making eye-contact in hopes of hiding themselves from their feelings. It used to be so difficult to connect with Changkyun—to reach out to him as a member, a friend, and a hyung. All he wanted was to get rid of the unspoken distance they seemed to have between them. He wanted Changkyun to see him in so many different ways—as long as it meant he was special to him. 

Wonho wanted to laugh at how close they were now—not just physically but emotionally. Though they never said it aloud, he felt their connection had gotten stronger. They both suddenly knew what the other was feeling or thinking without using words. There was a silent, special dance among the two of them that they were aware of—one Wonho couldn’t quite describe nor put his finger on. But it was there and Changkyun knew that as well. If he were to attempt to put it into words, he would compare it to Monsta X’s dance. All seven of them communicated without the need for speaking. When they were on stage, their frequency was aligned. And now with Changkyun, he felt they had their own. He was grateful for the progress they’d made but also ashamed that it took this long.

Wonho allowed Changkyun to pull him closer but the maknae paused when their lips were moments from touching. Slowly, Wonho gave into the subtle temptation and softly pressed his mouth against the maknae’s. Like always, kissing Changkyun made his head light and his entire body tingle pleasantly. He felt Changkyun’s gentle hands on his lower back; they slid up his back muscles—his fingers purposely tracing every crease and curve through the thin fabric of his shirt. It wasn’t just the pleasant feeling of Changkyun touching him that made him happy but also the thought of Changkyun holding him with such loving intentions. He couldn’t remember the last time he allowed someone to treat him this way. It’d always been difficult for him to give into such sensations—to willingly allow someone to have control over his own body and heart. 

“Changkyun,” he whispered breathlessly before sliding his hand down Changkyun’s neck. He wanted to say so many things—words always seemed to be the only tools he could use to express himself properly—but, at the same time, he could not stop kissing him. He could not stop breathing in Changkyun’s presence, the taste of his insatiable lips, the flirtatious sensation of Changkyun’s hands caressing his body, how Changkyun softly groaned in pleasure when Wonho increased the pressure of their kiss. He loved this man in a way he would probably never fully understand. He loved being around him, entangling himself in his warmth, kissing him, holding him in his arms; he loved how he understood him even when he couldn’t understand himself, how he accepted Wonho even with his undeniable flaws; how he was willing to protect and shield Wonho from harm—even as the younger one; he loved everything Changkyun did—his music, his lyrics, his rap, how he confidently held himself in front of a crowd—even when he’d arrived so late into the game. His dimple-heavy smile and all the different types it came with, his eyes, his lips, his nose, his ears, his hands—his long legs and his thin torso; how his voice went higher when he was mad; how it went lower when he was nervous—how when he spoke in English, he had this strange accent that made Wonho’s cheeks flush; he loved when he intentionally acted cute and silly; but even more when he was naturally mature and cool. He loved how Changkyun caressed his face and looked at him as though he was the most important person in the world; he loved the sensation of his trembling, soft hands when they found the confidence to grab Wonho’s. Every inch of him was precious—pieces of the puzzle that came together to form the man he loved—and Wonho was beyond grateful for being given the chance to know him in this life. 

 

They made their landing in Paris at around 6AM. Wonho could barely keep his eyes open as they got off the plane and headed towards their hotel. The first thing he did was exhaust himself on the bed. 

“Are you sure you didn’t want to room with Changkyun?” Hyungwon asked him as he set down his suitcase, “We’re in one of the most romantic cities in the world…” Wonho pried one of his eyes open,

“Paris Monbebe are the only ones we should be romantic with…”

“Uh huh…” Wonho slid his hands down his face and let out an exhausted sigh.

“We’re trying to be professional,” he explained dully. “The managers and staff will start to get suspicious if we keep rooming together. Besides, it’s been a while since I’ve shared with you anyway.” Hyungwon looked unimpressed,

“Are you trying to convince me or yourself?” Wonho rolled over on the bed,

“Of course, I want to spend more time with him,” he admitted before stretching out his arms, “But we’re working right now. The tour and Monbebe come first.”

“And being in separate rooms? That was your idea, wasn’t it?” Hyungwon said.

“Well, we both agreed,” Wonho replied innocently.

“Sure, you did.”

“Hey, I have to be the hyung here,” he protested, “It’s really risky being together—one of us has to keep his head on.”

“But you’re not the hyung when the two of you are dating,” Hyungwon unzipped his suitcase, “You’re supposed to be his equal.”

“I…” he found his voice gone. Hyungwon was right. He hadn’t even realized it. 

“Yeah,” Hyungwon said, pulling out a striped long-sleeved shirt, “Think about it for a second while I take a nap.”

“It’s…it’s been a while since I’ve dated…” he confessed nervously. He sat up and shook out his messy hair, “I forgot…I thought it’d be fine if we acted like usual but…you’re right…I need to make more of an effort to show him I care…” Because I do…more than with anyone I’ve been with in the past. When he looked up, he found Hyungwon was already passed out on the bed. Wonho chucked one of bolster pillows at him before getting up. Suddenly, he didn’t feel tired anymore. In fact, he felt reenergized by his recent enlightenment. He quickly ran out the door to find Changkyun but bumped into the manager instead. 

“Ah, hyung…” he said, the confidence in his voice unexpectedly dropping. Manager-hyung’s eyebrows lifted,

“Wonho-shi. Where are you off to then? The fitness center?”

“Uh, no…” he gestured nervously towards the end of the hallway, “Just wanted to hang out with Jooheon and Changkyun for a little bit…”

“Oh…well make sure to eat something and rest before the concert.” Wonho nodded before awkwardly continuing down the hall. As soon as he was away from the manager’s view, he let out a small sigh of relief. Now that he was with Changkyun, he was becoming more paranoid than ever about being found out. He couldn’t help but wonder if and when they were going to be exposed—as if it was inevitable. After all, he wasn’t too familiar with having a relationship in secret. He felt as though it was wrong of them to be together even when it wasn’t. 

Jooheon was surprised to see him when he showed up,

“What’s up, hyung?” he asked. 

“Um, can I talk to Changkyunnie?” he asked.

“Oh, yeah sure,” Jooheon stepped aside to allow him into the room, “He’s on the phone right now but you can wait in here.” Wonho nodded before taking a seat on one of the beds.

“Are you guys planning to eat?” he asked.

“We might get some room service or something.”

“Oh…cool…”

“So, what did you want to talk to him about?” Jooheon came over and sat on the bed across from him, “I heard you’ve been going steady for two weeks now.” Wonho choked back a laugh,

“He told you, huh?”

“Well, I didn’t want him to,” Jooheon pouted angrily, “He wouldn’t stop talking about you. I was about to smack him in the face.”

“Sorry,” he did his best to hide a smile.

“I swear, he didn’t even tell me about that girl he was seeing.” Honey bee shook his head, “I was so shocked when I met her and then when she did that whole scandal thing…I felt a little betrayed. I thought I’d be the first one he’d tell. Aah, but now…seriously, I don’t feel that way at all! Every day it’s Wonho-hyung this, Wonho-hyung that—I even caught him watching one of your Focus videos! He’s worse than Monbebe!”

“Ah…” Wonho laughed, “Hearing you say this—it makes me really happy. I’m touched.” Jooheon shook his head despite his dimples proudly showing. 

“You know…we sing and rap about love all the time…but I never really understood it…” his gaze was distant, “But with you and Changkyun…I don’t know, I guess it’s all a little clearer.”

“Jooheon…”

“I’m happy for you guys…and for him. Oh, but…” he scratched his cheek, “I guess it hasn’t really changed from back then…when we were on No Mercy he talked about you a lot, too…since he didn’t know much about you he kept asking me what kind of songs you liked and your trainee history…I remember constantly telling him that we should work on our raps but he kept getting side-tracked thinking about how the vocal trainees were gonna do on the mission…and worrying about if they were really gonna cut out your part. Ah, it was as annoying as it is now.” Changkyunnie…Wonho suddenly felt his chest begin to ache. He rubbed it gently but the pain would not subside. 

“Hyung, can I use your charger--?” At that moment, Changkyun returned from the bathroom but stopped in his tracks at Wonho’s unexpected appearance. “Ah, Wonho-hyung’s here?”

“Yeah,” Jooheon stood from the bed and rubbed Wonho’s back, “He wanted to talk to you about something.”

“Oh…” Wonho was still in a state of shock even as Jooheon said,

“I’ll give you guys some privacy,” before leaving the room. He tried to reclaim any piece of logical thought but he was too overwhelmed to form a coherent sentence. 

“So, what’s up?” Changkyun asked, “Is something wrong?” 

“Ah…no…” he looked up and gave him a small smile, “Who were you on the phone with?”

“My mom,” Changkyun set the phone on the table, “Her and Dad are pretty busy around this time of year but she just wanted to check up on me. She didn’t have time when the whole scandal started.” He smiled then—as though it was intended to assure his hyung once again. Wonho slowly stood up; he was hesitant to reach out but did so anyway and gently stroked the maknae’s face,

“Changkyun-ah…I…” he gulped apprehensively, “I’ll try my best to be a better partner for you…” Changkyun looked at him curiously,

“What?”

“You make me so happy, I…I can’t express my gratitude properly but I’ll try my best to give you as much love in return…”

“Hyung, you’re being weird…”

“Don’t call me ‘hyung,’” he gripped onto Changkyun’s shirt and dug his head into his chest, “Call me Hoseok…” He tightened his eyes shut, “I’m not ordering this as your older brother…it’s a request from your lover…” Despite knowing Changkyun was struggling with their age difference, he wanted him to know that such things didn’t matter to him. Sure, in the past he thought he needed to be a certain way to gain Changkyun’s respect as a hyung. But now they were something else—something more; and he couldn’t lose him again—not when the only thing that mattered was their love for each other. He’d messed up so badly pushing Changkyun away; he regretted running away from the truth and he felt even worse that his need to prove himself to Changkyun was still jeopardizing their relationship. This was the change he needed to make.

His heart gradually calmed down when he felt Changkyun’s assuring hand against the back of his head. The maknae gently pressed their foreheads together before gazing into Wonho’s eyes with that same loving look,

“I’m not perfect either,” he murmured suddenly, “Stop putting yourself under such a negative light…”

“Changkyunnie…”

“You’ve been stressing about this kind of nonsense, haven’t you?” he smiled, “Don’t worry about whether or not you’re good enough…or whether you’re doing a good job showing it. I don’t care about those kinds of things…I know you love me…that’s enough.” Changkyun’s fingers ran through his hair, “You constantly tell Monbebe you love them—that you’re thinking about them all the time…as if they’ll forget you if you don’t…but I won’t forget you, hyung…no one can.” A sudden wave of emotion hit him then. As he stared at Changkyun through already blurred eyes, he began to question what he’d done to deserve him. The guy knew nothing of his past—of the man he was or of the life he came from prior to this one. He witnessed Wonho’s selfish act of pushing them apart; he saw Wonho in his worst moments. So why did he look at him with such loving eyes? How did he find it in his heart to see past all the mistakes and all the flaws? How could he proudly tell Wonho he loved him—even after they’ve only known each other for two years? 

“S-stop it…” Wonho’s lips trembled when he spoke again.

“What I’m saying is…you don’t need to express yourself to me…” Changkyun’s hand caressed his own, “You just have to be here…and I’ll understand…”

“Really?” Changkyun nodded before sliding his fingers between Wonho’s. Wonho licked his lips, “Then what am I feeling now?”

“I know you definitely want to kiss me…”

“No, I don’t…” 

“Oh? Guess I was wrong then,” Changkyun tried to pull his hand back but Wonho instantly squeezed harder.

“Changkyun-ah,” he whined until Changkyun grabbed his face and kissed him so intensely he lost his breath for a whole three seconds. His entire face and body was on fire by the time Changkyun was nice enough to pull back and give him a moment to breathe. Wonho wanted to hit him but was too concentrated on getting his consciousness back.

“I’ve called you Hoseok before…” Changkyun mumbled stroking his ear, “You really don’t mind?” Wonho shook his head,

“It’s the name I grew up with…it’s who I am…Wonho is me as well but…” his lips tightened, “I want you to know both…” Changkyun smiled warmly,

“I’d like that…” Wonho softly touched Changkyun’s lips with the tips of his fingers,

“Someday…I’ll tell you more about my past…”

“Take your time…” Changkyun playfully nudged his lips against Wonho’s chin, “But I personally like the present Hoseok just fine…and I like Wonho, too.” Wonho uttered a laugh as Changkyun nuzzled into him and began sniffing him like a dog. He pushed him back playfully,

“Stop, it tickles!” Changkyun pulled on his arms to hug him but Wonho continued to resist his affection, “Stop being so cheesy!”

“But you’re so cute.” Wonho stepped back dramatically but he ended up bumping into the bed and falling backwards onto it. His back hit the mattress with a thick sound.

“Ow!” he rubbed his neck after the abrupt whiplash, “That hurt…”

“You ok?” Changkyun laughed softly. 

“Mm…I think so…” Because his eyes were closed, he only felt the weight of the bed shift as Changkyun climbed atop his lap. When he opened them, he saw the maknae hovering over him. Immediately, the rate of his heart beat escalated and he felt his neck was on fire. 

“Changkyun-ah.”

“What?”

“This isn’t a good idea.” Changkyun’s eyes softened; a tender smile appeared on his lips,

“Don’t worry,” he murmured, “I’m just looking at you…” Wonho immediately turned his head to avoid his intense gaze—the surge of heat flooding into his cheeks. He faintly gasped as Changkyun’s nose press against the side of his neck and slowly slide upwards towards his jawline. He quickly dug his fingers into Changkyun’s shoulder,

“This is too dangerous, maknae-ah,” he expressed seriously.

“Are you scared of being intimate with me?”

“No…” he shook his head, “I just…I don’t want us to be doing this while we’re on the tour…we’re working…we’re here for Monbebe….”

“Ah…I get it,” Changkyun licked his lips nervously, “I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine, I…I want to be with you, too…” he let go of the maknae’s shirt and caressed his face instead, “Don’t apologize…”

“No…you’re right…the tour means a lot to me…and to the other members,” Changkyun smiled, “We can find time for ourselves later.” He climbed off Wonho and even helped him get back on his feet.

“Changkyunnie,” Wonho said as the maknae was politely brushing off his shirt. 

“Hmm?”

“I just want you to know…” he scratched his ear nervously, “I’m holding back a lot. Now that we’re together…I want to spoil you…and spend all my time with you. We’ve been dating but we haven’t done a lot of couple things so…so just keep a list of things you want to do…and when the tour’s over…and we have time…we’ll do them.” It was quiet for a moment after that and he had to finally give in and glance at Changkyun for his answer. The maknae looked utterly stunned; he was so adorable Wonho wanted to hug him. He nodded once with a shaken face,

“Alright, hyung…”

“I’m…not usually this mature when I’m dating someone…”

“You think you’re mature?”

“Hey, shut up,” Wonho lightheartedly pushed his shoulder and the maknae nearly fell over. He was still smiling when he took Changkyun’s hand; then, his expression turned serious, “Thanks for understanding…”

“You don’t have to thank me,” he shrugged, “We both want the same thing…I want to take my time…and spoil you, too…” 

“You want to spoil your hyung?”

“Yeah…I’ll treat you to a big bowl of ramen.” Wonho laughed,

“Is that the only thing you think I like?”

“Well, I…” Changkyun suddenly blushed. Wonho’s head tilted with curiosity,

“What is it?”

“To be honest, I…I don’t know much about you—your interests, your favorite things…I’ve always tried to pick up facts from interviews and stuff but…you never really told me anything personally. That’s why I’ve done the best I could with what little information I had.” Wonho’s cheeks suddenly flushed; but not because he was touched. Because he didn’t want to admit he’d always felt similarly about Changkyun. He remembered being so thrilled when he found out Changkyun’s favorite color was white. He even unintentionally bragged about it on broadcast a few times. 

“Oh, Changkyun-ah…” his voice trailed off, “I’m sorry I didn’t realize…”

“It’s not your fault or anything,” Changkyun smiled cutely, showing off his dimples once more, “It takes time to get to know someone, I know that.”

“So, you were depending on time to get close to me?”

“Well, I couldn’t just go up to you and ask…” his eyes went to the floor, “It was different back then…our relationship. You always seemed so distant from me…and in return…I closed myself up…” Wonho smiled sadly—he understood that too well—before brushing his hand against Changkyun’s cheek,

“I’m glad you’re opening up to me now…” The maknae nodded cutely,

“Me, too…” 

“And regarding my favorite things,” Wonho traced his thumb against his dimple, “There’s a member in the boy group I’m part of. He’s the youngest but sometimes he acts older than all of us…and at other times, he acts like a baby. It’s so cute I don’t know what to do with myself. When he smiles…everything feels better…and when he raps…he sets the world on fire…I told him once that he came into my life at the worst time. But now I know…his timing couldn’t have been more perfect…” his lips pursed, “I love him…and I don’t understand why he loves me but…but I’m thankful that he does.” He allowed Changkyun to hug him—melting into his arms like the two of them were meant to be melded together. For the moment, he succumbed to his warmth. Wonho closed his eyes and took his sweet time enjoying the pleasant sensation—the one he always seemed to be missing in his past life—the one he longed for. He felt empty back then—incomplete and cold. Despite his claim that he believed in romance, he didn’t see himself partaking in it at all. Dating seemed pointless and marriage was off the table. To him, love was something he could not obtain no matter how hard he tried. No one seemed to be compatible with him. He was a jagged piece that had no matching partner. He always thought he had to smooth himself out and make the effort to change himself in order to be loved. But now…after becoming Wonho...after gaining love from Monbebe and from the other members…and with Changkyun, he finally felt his jagged edges had found its fit. 

 

As he returned backstage, the cheers of Paris Monbebe gradually faded away. As usual, the concert was fun but he’d about spent the last bits of his energy. Because of the excitement of the past three hours, he didn’t notice it now; but if he laid down, he knew he would instantly fall asleep. Wonho finished off a water bottle and a half before drying his face off with a towel. One of the cameramen documenting their world tour came up to him as he was still wheezing. He held up a peace sign and smiled until the guy moved onto another member. 

“Hey, Hoseok,” Shownu called out to him. “You want a snack from the vending machine?”

“Ah, I’m good. Thanks.” The leader nodded before attempting to leave the room.

“Why are you getting a snack?” Minhyuk asked, hopping down from the makeup table, “We’re gonna go out to eat.”

“I’m hungry now though,” Shownu protested. 

“Well, at least let me help you choose the best chips.” The two of them left hurriedly before the manager could catch them. Wonho sat down and scrolled through his phone for a bit—responding to messages from friends and family and occasionally reading letters from Monbebe. A half hour seemed to go by until they were finally all ready to go. They thanked the staff and producers before heading out. Right as he reached the door someone briefly grabbed one of his butt cheeks. He quickly turned around and found a conspicuous maknae avoiding his gaze. Wonho squinted his eyes before turning back around—fighting down an annoyed but also coy smile. This idiot…he thought, Monbebe is on the other side of this door!

Camera flashes and shouts from Paris Monbebe enveloped them as they made their way to the van. The managers moved them quickly before Wonho could even stop and wave. Changkyun nearly sat on his lap as they all frantically piled in.

“Ah, sorry, hyung,” he said in his usual, low tone of voice before properly sitting himself next to him. Wonho found his unintentional sloppiness quite cute. However, he was too exhausted to flirt with Changkyun; not to mention, the other members were in the car—including the manager that was already making him paranoid and cautious. He leaned his head back against the chair and closed his eyes. 

When he woke up, the car was no longer moving. He rubbed his eyes before forcing them open. Though the inside of the car was dark, he could see that Changkyun was still sitting in the seat next to him—the light from his phone harshly glowing in his face. All the other members and the manager were gone. 

“What’s going on?” he asked, his voice still groggy.

“We’re in the parking lot of a restaurant,” Changkyun said without looking up. “I was supposed to wake you up but I let you sleep a little longer.” Wonho shielded his sensitive eyes from the bright light.

“It’s too dark out. That’s not good for your eyes,” he strained.

“Oh, sorry,” Changkyun said, “Guess I just got used to it.” When he finally turned off the phone, they were greeted by almost complete darkness save for the dim lights from the restaurant and streetlamps. Wonho could still see the shape of the maknae’s lips, his nose, and his eyes; and how his brown hair—still damp from the sweat—fell messily across his forehead.

“Did you sleep well?” Changkyun asked.

“I’m not sure,” he laughed awkwardly, “Lately, any amount of sleep doesn’t seem to be enough. I’m sure all the members feel the same way.”

“Hyung…”

“Yeah?”

“Could you tell me about Hoseok?” 

“What?

“I thought about it a lot since we last spoke…and throughout the concert…” Changkyun’s voice paused for a moment, “I know I shouldn’t have been distracted in front of Monbebe but I couldn’t stop thinking about what you said—about telling me of your past. I found myself becoming curious…I do want to know more about you…so even if it’s just a little bit at a time…” Wonho tried to ignore the faint cracking in his voice at the end of his messy sentences. He was always a sloppy speaker but this bashful nature was new. Clearly, he wasn’t used to prying—especially when it was towards his hyung. 

“Well…” Wonho licked his lips, “I’m sure you heard enough with the articles and rumors about me flying around…”

“But I want to hear it from you. Only then will I believe it.”

“It’s…it’s not a big deal really…there was just a time in my life where I liked to party a lot…drink and smoke…” he rubbed the back of his neck. He wanted to share such things with Changkyunnie but that didn’t mean it wasn’t embarrassing. He was off fooling around while the son of a scientist was attending university. Wonho let out a breath, “I pretty much gave my parents a hard time—going out every night and making them worry. I loved my family and they taught me all the right things but…I was struggling with finding myself. I rejected any romantic relationship that demanded too much of me…I told you about Seoyun. She was only one of the victims. I didn’t want to get attached to people. For a long time…I was searching for something that never seemed to show up. Then I met her.” He nodded slowly as he recalled the memories, “It wasn’t too much of a romantic relationship…she more just…opened my eyes…taught me a lot of things about people and how I should treat them…because life isn’t too long…and I’ll only get one chance at it. My mom taught me all this growing up…but she sort of…reminded me.” Through the darkness, he saw Changkyun’s smile. 

“She sounds like a good person…”

“She…he is…” Changkyun seemed to understand when he used ‘he’ instead of ‘she’ and that made Wonho want to hug him. He slowly laid his hand atop his.

“My family experienced a lot of financial trouble during this time…” he said quietly, “That’s when I decided to become a trainee…and possibly an idol. I wanted to make people happy with my music…and inspire them.”

“And you do …” Changkyun gently stroked his hand, “Including me…”

“Changkyunnie…” he bit his bottom lip, “Thank you…thank you for loving me…”

“It’s nothing too difficult, hyung.” Despite seeing Changkyun’s hand coming towards him, he was still surprised to feel his touch. His soft and warm palm cupped against Wonho’s cheek. 

“You telling me this…” his voice was low, “It means a lot…thank you, Hoseok.” Wonho could barely form a smile before Changkyun pressed their lips together. In that hazy moment that was their kiss, he could not think of anything but Changkyun and how much he loved him. He forgot about the tour, the other members, even Monbebe. From how passionately he was kissing him, he could tell Changkyun desired him as well. Wonho was fully prepared to hold him despite the location, the time, the consequences, the situation they were in. However, his ambition soon plummeted when he heard the car door open. He quickly pushed Changkyun off, thinking it was one of the members coming to get them but his entire body seemed to turn cold and all those feelings of dread and anxiety crept back up when he found the manager staring back at him. 

 

He and Changkyun were sitting in the hotel room shared by Shownu and manager-hyung. They’d been sitting there for a while now—just waiting in dead silence. He knew Changkyun wanted to say something but, at the moment, he didn’t want to hear anything. Eventually, Shownu came out of the shower; he looked stunned to see the two of them still sitting there.

“What’s taking the manager so long?” he asked angrily. “He shouldn’t be keeping you guys waiting like this. You need to get proper rest.” 

“It’s fine,” Wonho said. He dug inside his pocket for his key card, “We don’t want to keep you up so…you can sleep in my bed.” Shownu seemed to realize the seriousness of the situation,

“Are you sure you don’t want me to stick around?”

“Yeah…we’ll be ok,” he smiled. After looking from Changkyun then back to Wonho, the leader reluctantly took the card from his hand. 

“Don’t let what he says get to you,” Shownu said with a nod before exiting the already awkward room. As soon as the door closed, Wonho immediately grabbed Changkyun’s hand. He hadn’t realized he was shaking so much until his trembling affected the maknae. 

“Hyung…hyung,” Changkyun sandwiched Wonho’s hand between his own, “Calm down…” 

“I…I just…” he blinked numerous times.

“What, hyung?” the maknae slightly tilted his head, “Hoseok…talk to me…” Wonho licked his lips before looking him in the eye.

“I’m not going to run away…” he said, “But I’m…I’m scared…” Changkyun smiled softly before squeezing his hand,

“I am, too…” When the manager finally showed up, they took back their hands in respect. Manager-hyung looked more stressed than they were; Wonho could only imagine the sort of pressure they’d put on him with this scandal. Knowing this secret was no simple burden to carry on one’s shoulders. The manager let out a sigh before taking the third seat at the table. He sat across from them—arms crossed. His gaze was lost for a moment before looking up at them.

“I’m not going to treat you like little kids…” he said slowly. “You guys are mature and smart enough to know the consequences of something like this.” Both Wonho and Changkyun nodded. He continued, “I understand your need for affection—especially in this tough business and with the stress of the tour. But this isn’t a child’s game…we need to act like professionals.” His eyes went to Wonho, “I especially expected more from you, Hoseok.” In the corner of his eye, Wonho saw Changkyun open his mouth—prepared to defend him but he quickly took the initiative.

“Whether or not you believe it, I went into this with my eyes open,” Wonho said, his voice confident and bold as opposed to the weak, shakiness only moments ago. “If it were any other person, I wouldn’t go through with it...the risk and the consequences would be too great. But I love Changkyunnie. And to be honest, hyung I’m offended…that you think our relationship is something as shallow as you implied…”

“Ok, so I assumed wrong,” Manager-hyung said, unmoved, “That doesn’t change the fact that you’re doing something inappropriate,” he shook his head, “Now that I know what’s going on…this isn’t something I can just ignore.” 

“So, what?” Wonho’s eyebrows narrowed, “You gonna kick us out of the group?”

“Wonho-shi,” the manager sighed heavily. Wonho knew it wasn’t the manager’s fault—he was simply doing his job and trying to do what was best for Monsta X. However, Wonho couldn’t help it; his throat felt like it was on fire, his chest was hot, and he was itching to hit something. Like he’d been fearing, he knew this moment would come—when their relationship would be discovered—however, now that it was here, he found himself being more pissed off than anything. He and Changkyun couldn’t catch a break. It was like some powerful force was constantly attempting to push them apart. 

“I just discussed this with the other managers,” Manager-hyung said after a moment of silence went by. “It would be ridiculous if we went as far as disbanding or kicking you out…but…we ask that you two break up…or at least avoid being together for a while…don’t room together, don’t sit next to each other at interviews…we’ve already taken enough fire this year from I.M-shi’s scandal with his ex…and now with Hyungwon, too.” He rubbed his temples, “We don’t need anything else starting up…especially with the tour and the next comeback around the corner.”

“Avoiding each other will only make things more suspicious,” Changkyun said; his voice was clearly showing irritation as well. 

“Then break up,” the manager demanded—using his authoritative tone since it was the maknae that had talked back. “It’ll make things easier for all of us. Like I said, this isn’t an industry that tolerates this sort of unprofessional behavior. You desire to be idols for a long time, yes? And I’m sure you want each other to be successful as well? This isn’t a schoolyard for teenage drama…this is the real world, here. Throwing around the word love like it’s something real—it’s something a child would do, Hoseok. You’re not a child. You’re an idol…a professional. You have a code to follow. You owe it your fans and to your members. So, make this sacrifice and let’s move on.” Wonho was grinding his back teeth together; his eyes were lost on the surface of the table. His hands were balled into extremely tight fists—so much so that the veins in his arms almost popped. He glared at the manager and fought back the urge to strike him. 

“Can you give us a minute?” he asked. The manager gave him a proud nod—as if he always knew Wonho would do the right thing—before standing up.

“Take your time.” After he exited, Wonho stood from the chair and walked across the room. He felt Changkyun’s worried eyes on him yet he could not look him in the eye. The manager was right; he was supposed to be more mature than this. His childish behavior may have been tolerated when they were rookies—fresh from debut. But after two years of being part of Monsta X and experiencing how the cruel game worked, he should have known better. Still, he couldn’t find it in himself to agree. 

“That guy…” he huffed out heatedly, “He always thinks he’s doing what’s best for us…”

“Well…he is the manager...” Changkyun said quietly, “He cares about us but he’s been strict since the beginning.”

“But…the best thing for me is you…”

“Hyung…”

“I made the mistake of pushing you away before,” he looked at Changkyun, “I don’t think I can do it again. If you want to break up with me, I won’t give you a hard time…but I can’t…even though it’ll cost everything…I can’t be apart from you again…” 

Changkyun stood from the chair, “Why would I ever want to break up with you, idiot?” A breath slipped from Wonho’s lips as Changkyun hugged him. He gripped onto Changkyun’s back as though letting go would kill him.

“We can’t go on like this…” he murmured helplessly, his chin snuggled against Changkyun’s shoulder, “He was right, this isn’t a child’s game. He thinks we’re breaking up right now…he’s expecting us to be honest and professional...I’ve always tried my best to be, Changkyunnie…I’ve always worked hard…always tried to prove that my job came first…above girlfriends and romantic relationships. I just wanted to be the Wonho that Monbebe could depend on…even if the other members faltered—if they found girlfriends or got married—they would still have Wonho…”

“Hyung…”

“But now with this, I…I don’t know what to do…” his fingers wrapped around Changkyun’s shirt, “I want to continue being the mature Wonho…but the reckless Hoseok…he loves you so much…” Changkyun pulled away from him and lightly brushed his recently cut bangs.

“You don’t have to make it a choice,” he said softly, “You can still be Wonho and love me. All of it…whether or not you’re on that stage—it’s you. And the fact that you can’t decide is one of the reasons why I love you.” His chest began to hurt the longer he looked at the maknae. He was so beautiful; not just his physical body but the soul he had shared with him. He’d given Wonho so much. And he was as important to Wonho as Monsta X, the family he needed to support, his fans, his dream. Changkyun was right. Why did he have to make a choice when all were a part of his life? Why was it so impossible for them to be together when, under any other circumstance, they would have at least the slimmest fighting chance?

“We chose to be idols…” he murmured. “But I didn’t choose to have these feelings…there’s no one to blame but…I want to blame someone because this situation…it just sucks.”

“I know,” Changkyun half smiled before kissing Wonho on the head, “How ‘bout we just cool it for a little while…at least until the tour’s done.” 

“Yeah…that’s the smartest thing to do…” his lips tightened together, “I don’t want to give manager-hyung more things to worry about.”

“But after the tour, I’m buying you that bowl of ramen.” Wonho smiled despite wanting to cry,

“Ok…”

“I should go back to my room,” the maknae sighed, his fingers playing with Wonho’s earlobe. “I’ll see you tomorrow?” Wonho nodded; he was hoping Changkyun would kiss him before he left but the maknae only gave him a small smile before exiting the room. Wonho didn’t realize his stomach had been tight and queasy since the manager came in and started talking to them. He rubbed his tummy briefly before falling asleep on Shownu’s abandoned bed.

 

Four weeks went by; they finished their stops in Berlin and Moscow and spent two weeks on their Japan promotions. On the fourth week, they finally had a bit of rest. However, by then, Wonho and Changkyun were barely talking; there was no time nor place to spend proper time together. Everyone was far too exhausted and wanted to be alone. Wonho knew Changkyun energized on being alone and he himself had wanted a moment to relax his own mind but that didn’t mean he didn’t constantly desire to be with him. He was always thinking of what he could do to remind Changkyun that he was thinking of him and their relationship. Some days he wanted to get him a gift or randomly ask him out to eat. But he couldn’t find the confidence to do so. Every time he found a bit of courage, the timing wasn’t right. Changkyun was either talking to Jooheon or working on songs or—most commonly—all the members were present. No window seemed to be available to him. It was a different sort of frustrating compared to when he was intentionally avoiding Changkyun. And Wonho began to wonder when and if they could ever return to how they were.

On the night before they left for Taipei, he found himself tossing and turning in his sleep—similar to when he was preparing for the “Beautiful” comeback. When he finally fell asleep, he woke up minutes later, breathing heavily and sweating. He couldn’t remember the dreams he had but he always woke with an empty feeling—as though Changkyun was missing from his life. He must’ve dreamed about Changkyun dying or even leaving Monsta X because it always felt the same—that painful ache of his absence. To think he didn’t know of this guy’s existence two years ago and suddenly, he couldn’t imagine how to live without him. 

 

Wonho shielded his eyes from the harsh light. Even through his closed eyelids, Taiwan’s bright sun pierced through. He groaned and turned over on the bed.

“Wake up, lazy ass,” Kihyun barked at him. 

“What time is it?” he muttered groggily; he looked around the empty hotel room, “What did you do with my roommate?”

“Jooheon is working out with Shownu-hyung. Now get up.” Kihyun hit him on the shoulder before opening the other curtain, “We’re gonna eat so get dressed.” Wonho rubbed his eyes tiredly before rolling over and falling off the bed. He thought the impact would help wake him up but, surprisingly, the floor was quite comfortable. Kihyun knelt down next to him,

“You need energy for the concert,” he said simply, “I’m not leaving until you stand up.”

“Ah, you’re such a nag,” Wonho complained before managing to pull himself into a sit. He stared at Kihyun with unamused and dry eyes, “Is Changkyun going to eat too?” 

“I assume he has a stomach so yeah.”

“Oh,” he rubbed the back of his head, “I was hoping you’d leave the two of us alone at the hotel together.” Kihyun laughed,

“Is that how your internet novel head works?” 

“Seriously,” he forced out a chuckle, “I don’t think I can do this much longer.”

“You’re hanging in there.”

“Is that how it looks like?”

“No,” Kihyun stood up and Wonho followed him, “Look, Wonho, I know what this feels like…it’s hard to control yourself around him—especially at the beginning…but…you’ll learn…time will teach you to be patient.”

“Right…” he gave him a smile so he wouldn’t worry before rummaging through his suitcase. “I’ll get ready so…you can go bother Hyungwon.”

“Wonho-hyung…”

“I won’t go back to bed the second you leave,” he rolled his eyes. Kihyun watched as he took out a sweater and casually shook it off. 

“He’s thinking of you, too, you know.”

“It’s been almost a month,” Wonho said tossing it onto the bed, “We both know what happened between us but…with everything going on…and how much time has passed…I doubt we can go back.”

“Don’t think like that.”

“It’s fine,” he shrugged,” Maybe one day we’ll have time to talk about it. But for now…we have a job to do.” He didn’t bother looking up from his clothes as Kihyun gave up and left the room. Despite saying such indifferent things, his heart hurt even more than when he’d pushed himself away from Changkyun. He didn’t know where the two of them stood now and such ambiguity drove him into a familiar desperation. It wasn’t until now that he realized how much time could affect their relationship as it had done in the past. He loved Changkyun as much as he did on the first day but now, more than ever, he was afraid of their future. If they continued this way—without interacting or communicating—would they return to being friends or even worse—awkward acquaintances? And would it be for the best after all? Would all those constant fears of being discovered disappear? And they could return to their innocent relationship where all they had in common was working on their careers as idols? Sure, it would’ve made things easier if they continued like this. Like the manager had asked of them, they would be professionals—capable of keeping work and their feelings under control; the other members would not be pulled down by the risk of their relationship, and both of them would finally be free of the burden. But Wonho didn’t think of their secret as a burden. He’d been so happy with Changkyun; he felt different with him but at the same time, he felt like the best version of himself—someone he constantly seemed to forget to be. He would never be able to describe how much Changkyun meant to him and how thankful he was for finally opening his heart. So, such a burden seemed worth all the negativity that came along with it.

The intense light from the stage was making him hot, dehydrated, and overwhelmed. He didn’t have time nor energy to think but, luckily, his body remembered the choreography well. When they talked to Taipei Monbebe, he continuously looked over at Changkyun who seemed to always be standing too far away. He did his best to take advantage of the excited stage and interact with him—play around and tease him as he always did; and the maknae willingly participated in his flirting but it wasn’t enough. It only reminded him of the attempts he made in the past of getting closer to the maknae—attempts that, at the end of the day, always felt futile. Because rather than looking at Changkyun for the beautiful person that he was or having long, meaningful conversations with him that actually mattered, he was desperately trying to get his attention like a clueless child running from his real feelings.

 

After the concert, he found himself fumbling with the key card to unlock the door. He was exhausted and all he wanted to do was catch up on his sleep and forget everything. When he finally swiped the card, he heard Shownu and Changkyun at the end of the hall. They were about to go to the night market and were discussing what food to bring back. Wonho looked up at them briefly—only to check out what Changkyun was wearing. Of course, he was wearing his favorite color white—a white sweater and cap and ripped jeans. Wonho thought he was the most handsome he’d ever seen him; he hoped the two of them would notice him and say hello. Unfortunately, they left in the opposite direction without glancing his way. Wonho tried not to let the embarrassment get to him. He sucked in a deep breath before opening the door. 

The sound of Jooheon’s music greeted him when he came into the room. However, he found Minhyuk standing over his iPod instead.

“Wonho-hyung,” Minhyuk said, “Don’t mind me; I’m just getting Jooheon’s iPod for him.” Wonho’s eyebrow rose,

“Why?”

“Ah…” Minhyuk struggled with the wires before finally managing to yank out the charger, “He just wants it right now.”

“Ok…?” he was still suspicious and was even more suspicious when Minhyuk went into the bathroom. “What are you doing?” he asked, his voice becoming irritated.

“Pooping,” Minhyuk shouted back. A few minutes later, Minhyuk casually strolled out of the bathroom and headed towards the door, “Well, I should be going now. Night, hyung.”

“Wait,” Wonho held his hand up. He would never say it aloud but he wanted Minhyuk to stay. He didn’t want to be left alone with his lonely thoughts; he’d done that enough for the past couple weeks already. And Minhyuk could always cheer him up when he was down. His presence alone was comforting. Wonho tightened his lips, his cheeks puffed out, “At least…at least order room service for me.”

“What?”

“My English isn’t as good as yours.”

“Hyung, you ate after the concert.”

“Oh…right.”

“I’m gonna go now, ok?” Minhyuk said, his cautious expression asking Wonho for permission, “You…um…you gonna be alright?”

“What? Yeah, I’ll be fine,” Wonho shrugged, giving up his attempt, “I’m just gonna hang out for a while and go to bed.”

“Ok, cool.”

“If you see Lee Jooheon, can you tell him to hurry back?”

“Uh…of course,” Minhyuk shook Jooheon’s iPod as though it was waving, “Have a good night then.” Then he left speedily, hastily closing the door behind him. That’s not suspicious at all, Wonho thought. 

After spending an hour on his laptop, Wonho decided to get ready for bed. His eye makeup was starting to irritate him. After taking a shower, he washed his face off, brushed his teeth, and used the toilet. He was expecting Jooheon to be back by then but his whereabouts were still unknown. He must’ve been exercising or out with Shownu and the others. Wonho had wanted to go too but he knew that if he spent any more time staring at Changkyun but not being able to be real with him, he’d only begin to cry. He stretched out his arms before climbing into bed. But he didn’t fall asleep right away. Instead, he only stared up at the ceiling and felt the giant gap in his heart. He tried to close his eyes to encourage sleep but that was when the door opened and his body jolted back into active mode. He sat up quickly to scold Jooheon for scaring him but found Changkyun standing there instead. His voice immediately was caught in his throat. When their eyes locked, his heart fluttered uncontrollably and he had to look away to stop himself from having a heart attack. The atmosphere of their being alone together returned as though it’d never left. Changkyun stood before him without anyone else in the room—he was there just for him; his words, his actions, his facial expressions, his laugh—they would only be for Wonho. It was like seeing him clear again after weeks of watching through a blurry screen.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you up,” the maknae said after a moment passed.

“What are you doing here?” he asked with a small voice. “Is everything ok?”

“Uh, yeah,” Changkyun nodded nervously, “We brought food from the night market if you wanted to try it…”

“Oh…thanks,” Wonho nervously tugged his loose sweater over his shoulder, “But I already brushed my teeth.” 

“Oh…that’s ok,” he looked to the ground, “Shownu and I tried to do an eating broadcast in our room.”

“Really?” Wonho smiled kindly, “I’ll check it out sometime.” 

“Cool,” the maknae rubbed the back of his head, “Look, hyung…can I talk to you?” Wonho looked around him briefly,

“Where’s Jooheon?”

“In my room,” Changkyun nudged his head to the side, “He’s trading with me for the night.” Is that why suspicious Minhyuk was in here getting his things—including Jooheon’s toothbrush that he tried to hide when he ducked out? Had Changkyun asked the other members to do this for them so the manager wouldn’t suspect anything? Wonho pulled the blankets off his legs and stood up from the bed.

“Changkyun-ah, I…” 

“No, stop,” Changkyun shook his head quickly; he walked up to Wonho and grabbed his hand, “I know, ok? You don’t have to say anything. I know…” Wonho bit his lip and nodded. 

“How did we let this happen?”

“I’m sorry…it’s my fault, hyung…” Changkyun squeezed his hand before looking down, “I became self-conscious…after what the manager said…he expected so much from you because you’ve always made the right decisions…and you’ve been after this dream for so long…” his lips tightened, “I just…I know how much being a hyung means to you—not just to me but in general…you want to be a good role model. I know you have a strong code of what is right and wrong…I felt like I was keeping you from that…I didn’t know what to do, I…” his uncertain, low voice suddenly faded; a siren from outside the hotel came and went. Wonho could only stare, stunned and touched. My dear, Changkyun-ah…you’ve been struggling with this for the past four weeks? I’m sorry…I didn’t even notice. Wonho’s chest began to hurt thinking about the worries the maknae endured without his knowledge. He could’ve been there to comfort and assure him but he, once again, missed his chance. 

He caressed Changkyun’s face and tilted it upwards, “It’s not wrong for us to be together…”

“Are you sure?” the maknae’s eyes began to falter, “Because everyone else seems to think so.” Wonho angrily rubbed his forehead against Changkyun’s. 

“As long as you don’t…” his voice trembled, “That’s all that matters.”

“Hyung…”

“If I am role model…I want to inspire people to follow their hearts…and my heart leads to you.”

“Ah…” Changkyun laughed softly, “There’s the internet novel Wonho I know…”

“Don’t make fun of me,” he held back a smile, “I’m trying to be the reliable one here.”

“You are reliable…” Changkyun licked his lips, “Thank you…Hoseok…” He felt more relaxed when he saw the confidence return to Changkyun’s glossy eyes. He wished he could do more to dispel him of all the doubts and worries but all he had were his fancy words and his heart. He now held Changkyun’s adorable face in both hands,

“Come to me when you’re afraid,” he ordered, “I want you to fall into my arms when you’re unsure or when you’re struggling.”

“And when I’m not?”

“Fall into my arms anyway.” Changkyun smiled at his childish orders,

“Ok, hyung.” After seeing those adorable dimples again, somehow, Wonho wanted to cry. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d seen them so close; with how much time had passed, he thought he’d eventually forget the desirable smell of Changkyun’s skin, or the light pink tint of his lips, or how warm and comforting his touch was. Before he knew it, a sudden urge overtook him—an urge that wanted to hold Changkyun down so that he would never disappear from his sight—so they would never be apart again. His heart became vulnerable—troubled—remembering the dreams he had and the feelings of loss he’d endured. He would never want to experience such a thing in real life because he knew the feeling would be ten times worse. 

“Don’t leave me,” he pleaded desperately—catching Changkyun off guard, “I need you so much…I…” Before he knew it, he was kissing Changkyun hungrily and the maknae had to pull away before he came to his senses.

“Hoseok, calm down…” he said softly before caressing Wonho’s ear. “I’m not going anywhere…” Wonho blinked a couple times before his consciousness returned. 

“I…I’m sorry,” he gripped onto Changkyun’s white sweater, “I just…”

“Yeah…” the maknae’s lips tightened. “I want you, too…”

“No, it’s not just that…” he closed his eyes to prevent the tears but they began to come down anyway. His cheeks were wet by the time he managed to steady his breathing and continue his thought, “These past few weeks, I…I spent a lot of time with myself…I wrote some songs…tried to concentrate on my work…but all I could think about was you…I honestly…” he gulped and another tear ran down, “I thought I lost you forever…I felt so helpless…I couldn’t…” Only occasionally, he allowed himself to cry this hysterically. He knew he was an emotional man—sentimental and vulnerable to feelings—but he usually had control over his tears. This time, he didn’t. He covered his face, embarrassed to be, once again, crying in the presence of the maknae. An apology nearly left his wet lips but the maknae had already caressed the back of his neck.

“You’ll never lose me, hyung,” Changkyun promised before pushing their lips together once again. Wonho was immediately enveloped in his familiar warmth; he’d forgotten the tears and allowed his lips to melt. He wrapped his arms around Changkyun’s shoulders and pulled him closer—not realizing until now how much his body and soul needed and wanted him. He always wanted Changkyun this close; any further and he would suffer from the cold again. His body shuddered pleasantly as Changkyun’s hands spread across his back. His skin was tingling underneath the sensation of the heated pressure through his loose sweater.

“Changkyun-ah,” he murmured between their passionate kiss. His breathing was becoming rapid and unsteady; he could feel his heart bursting against his chest. His fingers ran through Changkyun’s hair as he struggled to stay in control under such heated circumstances. But soon, he felt his control slipping from his fingers as their entanglement escalated into something more intimate than he was familiar with. He was swept away underneath Changkyun’s gentle touch, his kisses, his warm breath against his skin. The maknae slid his fingers between his as his mouth moved down Wonho’s neck. The tickly sensation returned but it was soon dispelled with an odd pleasure. Wonho gripped tighter onto Changkyun’s hand—his body tensing up the further Changkyun moved down his throat. When he reached Wonho’s collar bone, he stopped.

“I…I didn’t come to your room for this hyung…” he murmured softly—his breath once again making Wonho shiver. “If you’re not ready, just tell me…” When Changkyun’s eyes met his, he felt another tear easily escape his already weakened eyes. On that fateful day when they met…in front of cameras, all the trainees, the production staff…he’d been so angry and frustrated he couldn’t even look the new guy in the eye. He didn’t want to be his friend, didn’t want to get to know him or work with him. He was a stranger and he was in Wonho’s way. Wonho didn’t even really know what he looked like until they went home and he finally decided to glance in his direction. But when he heard I.M rap for the first time, he felt his passion and commitment—his great desire to be there—and perhaps then he already began to feel it—that invisible tug of destiny. If they had introduced someone who wasn’t Changkyun…he knew, somehow, Changkyun would still end up in Monsta X—standing by his side and his five other brothers’. If he’s not there—if it’s not him, it would be incomplete. Hoseok would be incomplete. Even if he tried to convince himself that it was ok, he would still feel empty inside. And no one would be able to fill in that space that the maknae was supposed to occupy.

Wonho nodded before taking Changkyun’s hands and pressing them against his chest.

“It’s beating so hard,” the maknae murmured in a sort of trance. He looked at Wonho as though he was anticipating his reaction. His palms slowly slid down Wonho’s chest and the front of his abs. Even through the thick fabric of his sweater, Wonho felt his warmth and the softness of his touch. 

“Changkyunnie…” he murmured, “Under…”

“It’s ok?” Changkyun asked, his formal speech slipping from his tongue like Wonho’s logic was slipping from his conscience.

“Yeah…” He allowed Changkyun to lift his sweater and touch his bare skin. A gulp went down the maknae’s nervous throat. His hand pressed against Wonho’s abs and slid to his back—leaving a lingering trail of heat behind. Wonho gasped softly as he fingers traced along the lower part of his spine. Changkyun gently rubbed the same, sensitive area back and forth before laying his hand flat against his muscular back once again. It gently dragged along upwards, towards his shoulder blade—teasing Wonho. Because it was Changkyun, Wonho felt something else beyond his seduction—a feeling that always seemed to be missing when he held someone. From the simple heat of Changkyun’s touch pushing against his skin, he was already satisfied. As long as it was Changkyun…as long as he got to see the gentle desire in Changkyun’s eyes—a desire that was present just for him—he was happy.

“Maknae-ah,” he murmured, holding Changkyun’s neck. When they looked at each other, he was overwhelmed with the need to express his feelings. But his tongue was deemed useless. He leaned in and kissed Changkyun gently. Both the maknae’s hands were up the back of his shirt now and caressing his sensitive skin as the front of their bodies met. Soon, his sweater was bothering him too much and he let Changkyun pull it off him.

“Ah…this is kind of weird,” he muttered, suddenly feel self-conscious. He took the sweater from Changkyun’s hands and covered up his chest. When he looked at Changkyun and saw his confused expression, he let out an awkward, low laugh, “It’s a bit embarrassing how much bigger I am than you…you’re treating me so gently, too…”

“Hyung…” Changkyun’s hands fell on his, “Your body is beautiful…” 

“My muscles aren’t too much?” The maknae laughed softly,

“You look good no matter what,” he said, “Any shape you come in, I’ll keep thinking it’s perfect…” Wonho wasn’t paying much attention to what Changkyun was saying; rather, he was looking for honesty in his eyes and he wasn’t surprised to find it quite quickly. He slowly dropped the sweater to the floor, allowing himself to trust the maknae in return.

He fell onto the bed, his hands sliding down Changkyun’s bare chest. He pulled the maknae to him and buried his face into his shoulder—breathing in his bare scent. His body trembled, tightened, and relaxed every time their flesh met. The maknae kissed his sensitive ear,

“Close your eyes,” he whispered breathlessly, “Concentrate on my touch…” Even as the older one, Wonho followed his request; he allowed Changkyun to explore his body with his hands. They slid down his neck, his chest, his trembling stomach, past the band of his sweatpants and slowly swerved around the deep curves of his hip bone.

“Ah…Changkyun,” he grabbed his hand before it went down further. He licked his lips nervously, “I…it’s my first time…with a guy…” Changkyun’s eyes softened; he smiled,

“Me, too.” The pleasure hit the bottom of his spine as Changkyun’s hand slid down his thigh; the maknae’s eyes were serious, “If it feels weird…just tell me…”

“I…it doesn’t…” Wonho reached up and brushed bits of his hair from his face, “Seriously…you’re so cute…” Changkyun laughed, shaking his head,

“Don’t say that when we’re in this position…”

“Changkyun-ah…”

“What is it, Wonho-hyung?”

“I love you…” Changkyun’s dimples showed when he smiled,

“Aren’t you only supposed to say that during your final breath before facing your death?”

“Ah…you really know how to kill the mood,” Wonho shook his head like a disappointed hyung. He blew into Changkyun’s ear when the guy began to laugh.

“Sorry, I’m sorry,” the maknae apologized, attempting to retrieve his breath once more. “I just…I’m really happy…” Wonho smiled, forgiving him,

“I am, too…” his voice shook at the end of his sentence but Changkyun was kind enough not to tease him about it. He allowed the maknae to kiss him again—pulling him into that haze-like atmosphere that had become their sanctuary. It was just him and Changkyun there. No Monsta X, no Monbebe, no world. Just them. And when Changkyun finally opened him up and saw him without the cameras, the fancy stage outfits, the makeup, and the persona that was Wonho—Hoseok knew this was it. This was the place he’d been looking for.


	6. Changkyun

Lately, there was an enticing aura around Wonho—more so than usual. He was more confident and cooler and his presence in the room alone made Changkyun too aware. His eyes always went to Wonho like a magnet. And whether the guy was laughing loudly with the other members, scrolling on his phone, eating, or just standing there, Changkyun often caught himself staring. He did a similar thing before they started dating but now it was worse. When he wasn’t on stage—consumed with rap and music—he was consumed with Wonho. He wanted to spend all his moments with him but he knew the manager was already keeping a third eye out for them. In the eyes of management, they were broken up and in the eyes of the public, they were simply part of the same boy group. It wasn’t a perfect situation but, for now, he was happy; and he didn’t particularly mind the secret world they shared together. In that world, Wonho was his; he saw sides to Hoseok that he didn’t want the rest of the world to see. And that was really the only thing he could ask for. Changkyun wasn’t a jealous man but his feelings for Hoseok were becoming more real and intense with every second he spent with him. He felt their connection was deeper and more serious than he’d ever anticipated. And a sense of possessiveness and a vulnerable proneness towards jealousy was slowly beginning to bud inside him.

 

They returned to Korea shortly after their Taipei concert. The rest of the week was given to them for resting and preparing for the final run of their tour. Changkyun was more than happy to take time off. Lord knows he did no such thing during their last break. He’d spent time trying to distract himself with working on songs, lyrics, some choreography—anything to keep him from thinking about Wonho. But now that they were finally on the same page again, he was more than ready to ask his hyung out on a date. He just needed the right moment to be casual and inconspicuous. 

When he stepped outside the room, he immediately smelt pork boiling from the kitchen. His stomach began to growl but he shook off his hunger before heading to Wonho’s studio. He already heard the muffled sound of Wonho’s original music playing as he approached the door. He hadn’t heard this particular version of this piece before; he liked the new tone of the thick bass as opposed to the previous acoustic sound. Changkyun waited until the music stopped before taking a deep breath and knocking on the door. In a few seconds, Wonho opened it wearing a loose sweater, kappa sweatpants, and his navy-blue cap with the faded “W” on it. He looked surprised to see Changkyun.

“Was I being too loud?” he asked, “I was trying to rehearse for another vlive…”

“No, I…” Changkyun licked his lips nervously, his eyes unintentionally falling on Wonho’s naturally red lips. He shook his head, “Are you busy? I wanted to ask you something.”

“Oh, sure.” Changkyun stepped inside; since Wonho’s vlive where he’d invited Monbebe into his studio, the room had gotten a bit messier and he couldn’t help but smile to himself. Once again, he was seeing the imperfect Wonho that he loved so much. Wonho shut the door behind him,

“What’s going on?” he asked. 

“So, um…Kihyun’s cooking dinner right now,” he said rubbing the back of his neck, “But I was wondering if…if you wanted to go out to eat with me instead…” Wonho had that smug hyung-like smile on his face that Changkyun wanted to punch and kiss at the same time. He gave Changkyun a mischievous glance before walking across the room and clicking a few things on his computer.

“Where are we going?” he asked, his eyes on the screen.

“Uh, I know the owner of a ramen restaurant nearby…”

“Sounds good.” Changkyun waited patiently until the screen went black and his hyung turned around, smiling at him.

“I’m not really dressed for the first date,” he said. “Do you mind if we go back to the dorms real quick?”

“Hyung, you look fine.”

“Let me grab a mouth mask at least…”

“Ah, sure,” Changkyun took his neck and kissed him briefly on the mouth. His hyung let out an unsteady gasp when their lips touched. He enjoyed the stubborn look on Wonho’s face when he pulled back.

“Date hasn’t even started yet and you’re already kissing me?” 

“You don’t need a mask,” he insisted, “Now come on, I’m hungry.”

“Ah,” Wonho shook his head, “You’re lucky you’re cute, maknae-ah…” Changkyun laughed before he placed his hand on the small of Wonho’s back and led him outside. It was nice out. Wasn’t particularly sunny but damp and even a bit chilly. This was the kind of weather he preferred. A light fog was in the air—but foggy enough so he couldn’t see past a certain point. 

“If I was going on a date with Monbebe, I wouldn’t wear this,” Wonho continued to complain as they walked down the sidewalk.

“Well, I’m not Monbebe,” Changkyun said. He shoved his hands into his pockets—occasionally brushing his arm against Wonho’s. “Besides…I like hyung in baggy clothes.”

“You have weird tastes.” Changkyun shrugged,

“Tell that to my boyfriend.” Wonho stopped walking altogether and Changkyun didn’t even notice until he already took a few steps ahead. He turned around quickly,

“What’s wrong?”

“Ah…” Wonho’s bottom lip was trembling, “Sorry you just…you said ‘boyfriend…’”

“That’s what you’re stopping in the middle of the street for?” Changkyun laughed and gave Wonho’s bicep a squeeze, “You’re so cute.” His hyung’s trembling hand lay atop of his.

“If we were having dinner with your parents…is that how you’d introduce me?”

“Of course,” Changkyun smiled. 

“You don’t think it’s weird? I mean…I’m…you know…”

“Very handsome?”

“No, idiot,” When Wonho laughed, Changkyun felt the aching grip on his heart loosen. His hyung playfully hit him on the shoulder; once again, it stung like hell but Wonho’s smile helped him in forgiving his clumsy strength. 

“They’d probably be confused at first,” he said as they continued down the sidewalk, “But I know they’ll understand eventually. Once they get to know you and see how great you are, they’ll realize you’re better than any other daughter-in-law—or son-in-law for that matter.”

“Son-in-law?” Wonho repeated, his voice raising in pitch, “You’re thinking that far ahead already?” 

“Ah…” his cheeks flushed, “That was an accident…”

“You said it though…”

“I know I did…” he scratched the back of his head, “Sorry, I know how you feel about marriage…”

“It’s fine.”

“Hyung, I just…” he placed his hand against Wonho’s waist, stopping him from walking. A car drove past them and disappeared beyond the mist. His fingers were still on Wonho’s stomach when he looked him in the eye, “I don’t want to pressure you into anything. We’ve only been together for a short time…and haven’t even gone on our first date yet. What I said was insensitive--”

“Changkyun-ah,” his hyung placed his finger against Changkyun’s mouth to hush him, “I’m telling you, it’s ok…really. I’m just a bit surprised…I didn’t think you thought of me like that.” He looked around them briefly before hiding his hands in the pockets of his sweater, “My…my past relationships never lasted too long—or long enough to even consider marriage. That’s why I always thought it was a lost cause for me…”

“It’s not anymore?” Wonho squinted his eyes,

“You’re being awfully ambitious today, maknae.”

“I’m excited,” Changkyun admitted, “I’ve been wanting to take you out for a long time.”

“Ah, who says you’re taking me out? You already paid for our last meal together,” Wonho pointed out, “And you promised I could pay this time.”

“But eating ramen was my idea…”

“You can still take credit for that.”

“Hyung, let me pay…”

“No, no,” Wonho shook his head dramatically. He laid a hand on Changkyun’s shoulder, “Seriously. Let your hyung treat you, maknae-ah.”

“You’re being ridiculous,” he protested angrily, “Look, when you decide the date you can pay but for now…” he grabbed Wonho’s face—squishing his cheeks between his palms, “This is my thing, alright? Besides, the first time didn’t really even count.” Wonho’s red lips pouted like a baby’s and Changkyun almost gave in. He took his hands back with a sigh,

“We haven’t even made it to the restaurant yet; if one of us doesn’t give, we’re gonna be stuck on this sidewalk all day.”

“Hey, this sidewalk has its charm too.”

“But I’m kind of starving.”

“Yeah, me too.” Changkyun laughed softly with no intention of admitting that he enjoyed this light and utterly pointless banter. Unexpectedly, when he looked up, his eyes were captured by his hyung’s and he couldn’t find it in himself to look away. Wonho gave him a small, confused smile,

“Everything ok?” he asked.

“Yeah…” Changkyun continued to look at him—a strong, intense pull yanking him in until he felt his eyes would pop out. He stepped forward without thinking but Wonho’s hand was already on his chest.

“Changkyun-ah, consider our surroundings, please,” his hyung said. Changkyun pretended not to notice that his voice slightly trembled when he said that. 

“Yeah, of course…sorry,” he said before licking his lips, “I…really want to kiss you.”

“If you had the choice of eating ramen or kissing me—which would you choose?” Wonho leaned into him briefly—close enough so Changkyun felt his breath against his skin; his seductive eyes were on Changkyun’s mouth before he casually turned back around and continued down the sidewalk.

“Definitely the ramen,” Changkyun replied after catching up to him. Wonho let out a low and innocent laugh—the one that made Changkyun’s heart throb.

“Yeah, I think my stomach shrunk down three sizes in the last ten minutes.”

“Sorry; we’re almost there.” 

“Don’t apologize,” Wonho sniffed, “I like walking and talking with you.” Changkyun smiled to himself.

“Are you cold?”

“A little bit,” his hyung glanced up at the cloudy sky, “Do you think it’ll rain?”

“I wouldn’t doubt it,” he looked up after him, “It always seems to rain when we’re together…”

“Maybe the sky is crying ‘cause we’re such a cute couple.” Changkyun rolled his eyes to the back of his head until Wonho shoved him off the sidewalk.

 

Changkyun stared at the “closed” sign for so long he was surprised his eyeballs didn’t dry up. Wonho was standing a few feet behind him—his hands in his pockets.

“Let’s just get some seafood or something,” his hyung offered.

“No,” Changkyun shook his head vigorously, “How the hell can they be closed? It says right here they’re open until ten on Saturdays! It’s not ten yet, is it? No, it’s eight o’clock! I’m calling that idiot.” He dug his phone out from his back pocket but was too frustrated and hungry to hold it properly. He almost dropped it and saw Wonho attempting to hold back a laugh. He, too, was tempted to laugh but didn’t have the strength to. He dialed Taesong’s number and was fully prepared to unleash his fury.

“Yeah, what’s up, Changkyun-shi?” 

“Tell me why I’m standing outside your restaurant right now staring at your ‘closed’ sign instead of eating ramen with my beautiful date?” At this, his hyung laughed out loud and stumbled out of view while clutching onto his stomach like a little kid. 

“Ah, sorry ‘bout that,” Taesong said, “I heard there was gonna be a massive storm tonight so we closed up early.”

“What the hell is that?” he barked, “You closed ‘cause of a little rain?”

“Huh? You’re starting to slur your words, man; I can’t understand anything you’re saying. But you got a date, eh? Will you send me a picture of her later?”

“Ah, forget it. Bye,” he hung up quickly and muttered, “Useless idiot.” He turned to apologize to Wonho but his hyung was still laughing like a mad man. Changkyun stared at him for another minute or so before the guy finally managed to calm down.

“You like seeing me mad, don’t you?” he said. 

“What? No, of course not.” Ah, this hyung…seriously. He knew the only reason Wonho liked teasing him so much in the first place was to see his frustrated reactions. The guy practically fed off of his irritation. Wonho shook off the remains of his laughter before looking Changkyun in the eye, “If you really want ramen, can’t we just go somewhere else?”

“I wanted it to be this place,” he sighed, “Taesong may be an idiot but he can make a decent bowl…I really wanted you to try it.” 

“Ah…I didn’t realize this meant so much to you,” Wonho rubbed his shoulder gently, “We can go another time then.”

“Sorry, I…” he bit his lip nervously, “What are you in the mood for?”

“Let’s just go to the usual place,” Wonho said, “It’s only a few blocks over and it’s getting kind of late.”

“Mm…alright…” He was still bummed but felt better with Wonho’s arm around his shoulders—guiding him along like they were a real couple. His hyung was always mature and cool but sometimes, he managed to make Changkyun’s heart stop without even realizing it.

When there was finally food in his stomach again, he felt like crying and Wonho was even more amused at the face he made when he put the first dumpling in his mouth. 

“You’re funny,” his hyung laughed loudly, “Really…Changkyunnie has the best reactions.” Changkyun could only shake his head in an attempt to hide his flushed expression and continue eating. When they both managed to fill their stomachs up to the point where it no longer felt like an effort to move, Changkyun caught himself, yet again, staring at Wonho.

“Stop it,” his hyung said, moving around pieces of kimchi in the bowl, “You’re the one that didn’t let me change or put a mask on so stop staring.”

“Hyung, you’re really pretty…”

“Changkyun-ah, you know I have muscles,” Wonho grabbed the kimchi with his chopsticks and ate it quickly—his mouth moving in that dramatic way that Changkyun loved, “Don’t mess with your hyung, alright?”

“I’m serious,” Changkyun laid his cheek against his fist like a swooning school girl, “Ah, something about you…I can’t stop staring…what is this?”

“You sound like a pervert,” Wonho said, despite his cheeks growing red. He cleared his throat nervously before taking a sip of cola, “So, not to change the topic of your incredibly uncomfortable staring or anything but…could Changkyun-ah tell me a bit about his past, too? I mean…only if you want to.”

“Oh…” he was thrown for a moment before smiling, “What do you want to know?”

“Mostly about the…” he wiped his mouth, “The girlfriends you had…ah, shit. Why did I say that out loud?” Changkyun smirked,

“You want to know my romantic history?”

“Well, the last girl you dated wasn’t exactly the nicest person in the world so I just…I was wondering…” his eyes fell to the empty bowls and plates on the table, “It’s not like I’m jealous or anything…I just want to make sure they were good to you.”

“They were, hyung…” Changkyun nodded before rubbing his ear and recalling the women he’d dated in the past, “I think I have decent tastes in romantic interests about…98 percent of the time.”

“98?” Wonho repeated in English.

“98, yeah,” he thought his hyung was so cute he wanted to explode, “You’re the 2 percent.”

“I will seriously punch you.” Changkyun tried not to laugh as he stood up. He rubbed Wonho’s shoulder,

“I’m gonna go to the bathroom.”

“Don’t come back.” Still holding back his laughter, he squeezed the back of Wonho’s neck before leaving. It was taking everything inside him not to kiss and hug Hoseok. He could spend hours wrapped in the guy’s arms and smothered in complete silence. And he could spend days dealing with these endless conversations and arguments about nothing. He loved hearing Wonho’s low voice and his genuine laughter; and he loved that Wonho was suddenly much calmer and more confident around him as opposed to how he was in the past. It relaxed him to see his hyung so happy—laughing without holding back and talking to him without avoiding his gaze. He was more than grateful. 

Wonho was waiting for him at the front of the restaurant when he returned—the bill, of course, already paid. Changkyun decided not to say anything about it.

“Thanks for dinner,” he said as they walked down the sidewalk. The fresh moon had just made its appearance in the dark blue sky. The air was becoming colder and he knew it was only moments away from raining. 

“Yeah, I think it was a decent first date…” Wonho said, “Though we mostly spent the time eating rather than talking…”

“Well, that’s what you’re supposed to do at restaurants, right?” Changkyun said. He looked up at the looming dark clouds in the sky, “But I liked spending time with you, hyung…I think after tonight I realized…it doesn’t really matter where we go. As long as you’re with me.”

“Don’t say that after I’ve already spent 32,000 won.” He smiled and glanced over at Wonho who was already looking at him.

“Hoseok…” he said softly.

“Hmm?”

“You want to go back to the dorms now?”

“Ah, yeah…the others are probably worried.”

“They’re most likely asleep already.”

“They are.”

“What time is it?” Wonho broke their eye contact and took out his phone,

“Almost eleven.” 

“We should head back then.” He flinched when something cold plopped on his face and once again Wonho was laughing at his stunned expression.

“Don’t laugh, idiot; you wanna catch a cold?” he pushed Wonho along as the rain became more intense. 

They managed to shield themselves from the rain at an empty bus stop; unfortunately, his hyung was already shivering from the downpour that attacked them.

“This is like some internet novel,” Wonho said; he smiled when Changkyun looked over but his voice was shaking. Changkyun sat down on the bench,

“You gonna be ok?”

“Yeah, I’ll be fine,” his hyung nodded, “My immune system has improved…but it has been a while since I got sick.” The pattering of the rain and harsh wind made it difficult to hear the rest of Wonho’s sentence. Changkyun had to gesture him over. His hyung sat close enough so that their biceps touched; he could hear the subtle beating of Hoseok’s heart and his familiar, steady breathing. For a moment, he watched the rain droplets slide down the glass—a few cars drove by but the world around them seemed abandoned. A cold shiver slid down his spine as a gust a wind hit them. He regretted not grabbing a sweater before they left.

“Changkyunnie…” Wonho suddenly said, his voice quieter than usual. Changkyun had never heard him say his name that way before. It frightened him. He wrapped his arm around Wonho’s shoulders and pulled him closer.

“About what you said earlier…” his hyung said slowly, “That thing about marriage…”

“We don’t have to talk about this…”

“I…” Changkyun’s eyes widened when he felt Wonho’s unexpected hand on his thigh—and even more when his hyung harshly gripped onto it as though doing so would save his life. He almost fought him off but Wonho’s hand soon relaxed,

“I don’t…I don’t want you to think of me as a cynical person…” his eyes flickered to Changkyun, “Feels like I’ve spent my whole life…watching from the outside. There was a glass wall between me and the world…and no matter how much I wanted to get in there—to be part of it—I couldn’t…” his voice cracked, “But with you, I…it feels different. You give me a completely new world to be a part of…and when you talked about me meeting your parents…and even becoming their son-in-law…I wasn’t thinking about how pointless marriage was…I was imagining spending the rest of my life with you…and honestly it scared the shit out of me,” his eyes began to water, “Because it wasn’t hard to do…” It took every inch of Changkyun not to kiss him then and tell him that he’d been waiting for Hoseok his entire life. He could only look away and rub Wonho’s shoulder and hold him against his damp chest.

His hair was soaked and the black shirt he was wearing had practically melded with his skin by the time they reached the building next to their home. When they left the bus stop, the rain was starting to die down but now it was picking up again and he was certain one or both of them would be sick and stuck in bed tomorrow.

“Come on, we’re almost there,” Changkyun said breathlessly, water droplets sliding down his neck. He pulled on Wonho’s wet hand but his hyung stood still, “What’s wrong? You ok?”

“Is it…” Wonho’s glossy eyes went to the ground before he glanced up at Changkyun, “Is the first date too soon to ask if I can go inside your studio?” Despite the cold rain, he felt his skin heat up so intensely he could’ve sworn he saw steam leaving his body. He gulped nervously before glancing in the direction of their dorms and then back at Wonho.

“You’ve already been in there before, hyung,” he said. Hoseok smiled even as cold rain slid down his face,

“I can’t tell if that’s a yes or a no.” Changkyun let out a sigh before grabbing Wonho’s bicep and pulling him. 

 

The hallways were dark and empty as they made their way towards his room in their wet clothes—leaving a trail of water behind them. There was definitely no one here at this hour and if there was, they’d be minding their own business. He unlocked the door and pushed it open,

“Come in. Try not to get water on anything—specifically the electronics. I don’t want you to blow up.”

“Got it,” Wonho laughed, stepping inside. Changkyun closed the door behind them; he tried to be polite even as Wonho began pulling off his sweater. But it was hard not to look at him. Something about his wet hair and the glazed color of his skin when water slid across it made Changkyun’s heart pound. He quickly searched his messy shelves for a blanket.

“Can I sit on the futon?” his hyung asked.

“Huh? Yeah, go ahead.”

“My pants are kinda wet though.”

“It’s fine.” He knocked down a few of the knickknacks he received as gifts from Monbebe before he finally found his wool blanket. He turned around to give it to Wonho but stood frozen when he found his hyung with no shirt on.

“What are you doing?” he hissed angrily. He immediately shook out the folded blanket and wrapped it around Wonho’s shoulders, “It’s still cold in here. I don’t want you to get sick.”

“I’m more likely to get sick with wet clothes on.”

“Right, right; here just—just try to get warm, alright?” he pulled the blanket across his hyung’s chest before standing up and turning on the heater.

“Changkyun-ah, you should get dry, too.”

“Yeah, I’ll just stay near the heater,” Changkyun said, holding up his hands to test the temperature. A moment of silence went by as the room slowly began to warm up. Then his hyung spoke—so softly he thought he was imagining things.

“Is something wrong?”

“What?” he looked over at Wonho who was staring at him with that same, vulnerable expression he saw that night. 

“Sit with me,” his hyung ordered. 

“I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

“Why not?”

“Because…” he looked down nervously and tightened his lips, “Because I might make love to you again.” Saying it aloud made his neck heat up and his heart pound; he remembered that night vividly and he thought about it over and over since then—the feeling of Wonho’s body pressing against his, how his hyung whispered his name in between their kisses, that frightening realization of true pleasure when they had finally become one. It terrified Changkyun that such a thing was possible for them.

Wonho laughed, “You don’t think that’s the reason why I invited myself into your studio?” 

“Ah…” Changkyun rubbed the back of his head, “Sorry, it’s not like…I just…I know we didn’t really talk about it afterwards…”

“Yeah...” 

“Was it…was it ok for you? I know it was our first time with another guy but it felt natural with Wonho-hyung…is that weird?”

“No, I…I feel the same…”

“Really?” Wonho smiled,

“We don’t have to do anything tonight if you don’t want to…actually, it might be for the best. I don’t want things like that to be forced.”

“Me, too.”

“Then sit next to me…” his hyung pouted, “I need your body heat.” Changkyun sat down and held out his hand; like always, Wonho grabbed onto it—forcing their palms together and their fingers to intertwine.

“So, was that you trying to seduce me?” he asked curiously, “Or did you really have to take off your shirt?”

“Ah, both,” Wonho laughed, “No, but seriously it felt really gross. You don’t have an extra shirt in here or anything?”

“This is my studio, hyung. The only extra thing I have is a keyboard.”

“Seriously…” Wonho shivered and pulled the blanket around his shoulders, “I can’t do anything when I’m cold. I’m pretty much useless.”

“Hey, you’re keeping me company right now, aren’t you?”

“If you call complaining about how cold it is company.”

“It’ll get warmer,” he assured him with a smile, “Here, I’ll put on a movie to distract you.” His hand slipped out of Wonho’s grasp as he stood up to get the remote for his TV. However, his hyung quickly grabbed onto his damp shirt—stopping him.

“I’m not big on movies,” Wonho said quietly, “Can I…can I listen to your songs instead?”

“What? My original songs?”

“Yeah.”

“Ah…” he was at a loss for words, “Um, sure…” Changkyun was still stunned even as Wonho loosened his grip. He hadn’t realized his hyung’s desperation until now—when he felt how hurriedly and harshly he’d reached for him; at the bus stop when he nearly bruised Changkyun’s thigh and now when his fingers unapologetically snatched his shirt. This odd aggression was new to him but he understood it well. For the past two years he held back a part of himself for the sake of other people—including Wonho. But that had gotten him nowhere. He was only left feeling incomplete. And he was angry with himself for doing what felt like nothing—standing still while the world moved around him. He’d chosen not to hug Wonho back sometimes, to pull his hand out of his hyung’s before it got too intimate, and to turn away when he knew Wonho was searching for his gaze. He could’ve made more of an effort—could have been more aggressive in expressing his affection—even if it was just in the case friendship. But he purposely repressed his feelings into a dull indifference that Hoseok did not deserve. And now his hyung blamed himself for pushing him away even though it was both their fault. If he learned anything from his past mistakes, it was that being passive when it came to Wonho and his feelings for him was not an option. 

Changkyun grabbed his headphones from his desk and plugged it into his laptop. 

“Here,” he knelt down in front of Wonho and gently slid his headphones over his ears. Only doing so caused him to be captivated by Wonho’s eyes once again. The close proximity made his heart thrust against the inside of his chest. He was drawn to his hyung’s desirable gaze.

“Changkyun…” Wonho called to him—his voice low and raspy. Changkyun’s fingers fell on Wonho’s neck.

“Hyung…” 

“I don’t hear any music…” Immediately, Changkyun’s body stiffened with embarrassment.

“Uh…right…” He stood from the floor and went over to his laptop to select the song. It was difficult to decide which one to choose since he hadn’t planned this but he eventually selected the first one that came to mind when he thought about Wonho. He’d written it back during All in Era—around the confusing and painful time where his self-control was constantly being tested regarding his feelings for his hyung. It never made it to the surface; in fact, he preferred it that way. It’d be much too embarrassing for Monbebe to hear it. 

He played it for Wonho and sat down on his chair. Usually, when I.M played his original music, he didn’t like hearing it on speaker. He preferred headphones; it felt more intimate that way—as though it was only the listener and his voice in the room. Unfortunately for him, he was left sweating in silence wondering what Wonho thought about it—which of lyrics made him smile and which beats made him nod his head? He soon found himself becoming too anxious and he had to stand up and walk around the room to do something about his nerves. He’d always wanted a girlfriend that appreciated and understood music like he did. This wasn’t the first time he imagined this scenario—having his lover listen to a song he wrote just for them. But now that it was happening in real life, he wanted to die.

He pretended to warm himself by the heater until he heard Wonho pull of the headphones—ending the longest three minutes of his life,

“When did you write that one?” his hyung asked.

“Uh, last year I think,” Changkyun replied. He walked over and stood in front of him, “What did you think?”

“Those lyrics…” A gulp went down his hyung’s throat, “They were about me, weren’t they?” And here I thought I was being subtle. Changkyun took the headphones from his hands, their fingers briefly meeting. 

“I think that’s enough listening for today,” he said, returning them to his desk.

“That line... ‘watching you from a distance that’s so close, when you look at me it only hurts more’? You chose that song on purpose.” Changkyun kept his back facing Wonho; his palms beginning to sweat.

“I…I wanted you to hear it…” he closed his laptop and ran his fingers through his wet hair, “How we were back then…how I was around you…it was such a waste of fucking time. I could’ve…I should have been there for you…when you were having a bad day…when you just needed someone to talk to…when they kept saying shit about you—about your body. I…I wanted to protect you even then but I didn’t…I was too busy making stupid songs about my unrequited love that no one would ever hear. Even if it was just as a friend…I should’ve made more of an effort…but I was…I was just--”

“Don’t…” Wonho interrupted him, “We’re both idiots so…don’t say that about yourself—about us. We went through a lot to get where we are now, Changkyun-ah. It wasn’t just a waste of time…our mistakes, our failures, and our triumphs…all of it mattered. They led me here…” Changkyun turned around and finally set his eyes upon his beautiful hyung. He bit his bottom lip,

“I’m glad I met you, hyung…” Already, he could feel his eyes begin to water. He looked down and pushed his fingers against his eyelids. “I’m grateful I was chosen to rap and dance by your side…” He felt Wonho’s hand on his back before his hyung pulled him closer and hugged him. Hoseok’s bare chest was warm and his muscular arms felt safe; Changkyun inhaled his scent deeply before he could lose his composure to the heavy emotions.

“Aw, Changkyunnie,” Wonho cooed softly. He grabbed Changkyun’s face—his hands underneath the blanket, “Don’t cry; that’s my thing…”

“I won’t,” Changkyun laughed softly before shaking his head with an embarrassed sigh.

“Hey, hey,” Wonho pushed his forehead against his, “I really liked the song, you know. The sad, R&B feel is really my style.”

“Ah, maybe I should release it,” he joked.

“No, don’t…” Wonho’s intense gaze melted him, “I want to be the only one that hears it.” He smiled at how quickly his mature hyung turned into a little kid. Before he knew it, his eyes were on Wonho’s lips—his hands were sliding down his smooth, hard chest.

“Would you consider this forced?” he murmured, moving in until their noses touched. Already, his hyung’s breathing had escalated; his lustrous eyes were staring at Changkyun with desire.

“I’ve wanted to kiss you since you showed up at my studio…” Changkyun smiled and gently caressed his neck.

“I’ve wanted to kiss you since my first debut mission.”

“You always gotta top me, don’t you?” His hyung’s low laugh was interrupted when Changkyun finally melted their mouths together and pushed him onto the futon.

 

He woke up to a tickly sensation against his neck. When he opened his eyes, he found Wonho kissing and nuzzling against him like a bunny.

“Mm…stop it, Wontokki,” he mumbled, patting Wonho on the shoulder.

“Kkukkung, we can’t sleep here,” he heard Wonho say softly, “We have to go back to the dorms.”

“What time is it?”

“Five in the morning…”

“Ah, shit…” he muttered in English. He sat up and rubbed the back of his head, “Sorry, hyung; are you tired? I shouldn’t have kept you up all night…”

“Only apologize if you regret it,” Wonho’s fingers danced up his arm, “Do you?”

“No, of course not. I just don’t want you to be running on three hours of sleep.”

“We don’t have anything planned today,” his hyung said before yawning, “I’ll take a nap before we take off tomorrow.” Changkyun still felt a bit guilty; they’d purposely returned to Korea to catch up on their sleep and here he was selfishly eating up his hyung’s free time. He kissed Wonho briefly before stretching out his arms.

“I wish we could stay longer,” he confessed, “I’m sure the others wouldn’t even care.” 

“We don’t know if manager-hyung will show up suddenly to check on us…and it’s not gonna look too good if the two of us are missing.”

“Ok, ok I get it,” Changkyun pursed his lips, “How do Kihyunnie-hyung and Shownu-hyung do it? They act so normally I never notice…sometimes I forget they’re even together.”

“Kihyun told me it’s because they’re professionals…” Changkyun laughed,

“That guy really is prideful.”

“But…I think it’s just us,” Wonho pulled his knees to his chest, “I don’t think we’re the type that are comfortable with secrets…or being in false situations…I realized this only after I tried to settle with just being your friend. We’re not being ourselves if we can’t be together…and that makes us a little crazy…” 

“Hmm…” his gaze was lost for a moment, “To think we had that in common…” Wonho gave his hand a soft squeeze before standing up.

“Your clothes should be dry now,” he said. He bent over and grabbed Changkyun’s clothes from the ground, “I put them near the heater.”

“Ah,” Changkyun laughed, “Thanks…”

“By the way, you left me something.”

“What?” he pulled on the rest of his shirt and looked up to find Wonho revealing his naked stomach. Next to the mole by his belly button was a very obvious kiss mark. Changkyun’s eyes widened,

“Oh my god. Hyung, I didn’t even realize--”

“It’s fine,” Wonho pulled his shirt back down. “I’ll just put some makeup on it or something.”

“Hoseok--”

“I’m not mad,” his hyung laughed softly, “I didn’t think you had that in you though…” Changkyun felt his own words slink back down his throat. He cleared it quickly before standing up and pulling on his jeans,

“I really am sorry…I wasn’t thinking—you have to perform ‘From Zero’ in front of Monbebe and--”

“Changkyun-ah, relax,” Wonho laid his hand on his shoulder, “Even if anyone becomes suspicious, I can still pass it off as a bruise. Just calm down and get dressed, ok?”

“I…” he looked at Wonho and nodded, “Ok…” Leaving that mark could only represent how badly he wanted to claim Wonho as his own and that made him want to punch himself. He’d left such a visible mark on his hyung’s beautiful, flawless body. What kind of guy does that? He knew it wasn’t a big deal and Wonho even forgave him but he still felt badly about it. That jealousy and possessiveness was growing inside him faster than he thought.

The sun was beginning to make its appearance by the time they reached the dorms. Changkyun allowed Wonho to go in first before following behind him. The house was still and quiet as it usually was at this hour. He walked Hoseok to his room and shoved his hands in his pockets,

“We should try to get a few hours of sleep,” he said, “I um…I really liked hanging out with you, hyung.”

“Me, too…” Wonho smiled, “We should do it again soon…”

“Maybe next time just as friends…” he suggested, “We can even do a vlive and have Monbebe join us for dinner.” His hyung seemed to enjoy that idea; of course, since he loved Monbebe more than life itself.

“That sounds fun,” he smiled before looking down shyly, “Um…good night doesn’t sound really accurate for this situation. But I’ll say it anyway…good night, Changkyun.”

“Night…” He wanted to kiss Wonho again but used every muscle in his body to remain professional. After the door closed, he let out a heavy, defeated breath before heading back to his room to reflect on his very first date with Wonho-hyung.


	7. Hoseok

A year ago, he would have never dreamed of spending a whole evening with just Im Changkyun. The awkward atmosphere between them had scared him too much. It was a tall wall that he could not conquer. He’d been helpless in his attempt to reach the maknae. But now they were finally opening their hearts to each other and Hoseok could admit that scared him just as much; but this time, the fear strangely excited him. 

Wonho slowly wobbled his way over to his bed—not realizing how tired he was. He’d woken up a few minutes before the maknae had and found himself staring at his beautiful and mysterious sleeping face. A cool and comfortable sense of tranquility came over him while he sat in the dark silence of Changkyun’s studio and observed the shapes and curves of the maknae’s features. If Changkyun hadn’t woken up, he probably could have stared at him forever. He truly was a handsome mystery that Wonho still hadn’t figured out to this day. But he loved him to the extent that it hurt. Every time he heard his voice, he had to hold back tears; every time he was near him—he felt short of breath. And when their eyes locked, he wanted to run away. Wonho had brushed bits of Changkyun’s messy hair from his face and stole a few kisses on his cheek and neck and soft lips. It was difficult to keep his hands to himself when the maknae was so close to him. But he knew he’d need to learn if they were going to continue seeing each other behind the members’ and the managers’ backs. This was not a matter to take lightly and—even though he knew they belonged together—the risk wasn’t easy to get used to. 

Wonho plopped his exhausted body onto the bed. But however tired he was, he could not fall asleep because he continued to recall and replay the intimate moments he had with Changkyun only moments ago. His face flushed at the thought of the maknae currently struggling with the same problem. It wasn’t something he could be calm about—or something he could easily forget for that matter. Being emotionally close with the maknae was one thing but being physical with him was another. Certainly, he knew they somewhat went hand in hand but something about feeling the texture and warmth of Changkyun’s skin against his own made their secret affair more real. Their relationship was solidified—painted vividly and officially—when they held each other and because of that, Wonho knew they could no longer return to how they used to be. Whether or not that was a good thing he could not say. All he knew was that being able to share this with Changkyun made him a different sort of happy than when he was performing in front of Monbebe or hanging out with the other members; it was a happiness that was specialized only for him and it felt like something he’d been struggling to obtain for so long.

He nervously hugged his pillow in his arms and played with the thin cloth of the pillow case. Despite wanting to push out the recollections, they continued to occupy his mind. Changkyun had treated him as gently and preciously as he had the first time. His soft hands thoroughly caressed every inch of Wonho’s body—curiously following the bends and creases as though they wanted to memorize his form. And when their eyes met, Wonho felt the true intensity and meaning of their connection. He wanted to continue feeling Changkyun’s warmth inside him; his heated, eager mouth kissing and biting his flesh; his breathless, low moans melting him to the core. Changkyun had unapologetically enveloped Wonho in his heat and turned him inside out. And thinking about such a thing kept Hoseok up for another hour or so until he finally gave into his weary body.

It wasn’t until he took a shower later that morning that he found the second kiss mark lightly formed on his inner thigh. He’d been stunned to find the first one. Changkyun didn’t seem like the type of person that would do such a thing. Then again, he wasn’t very familiar with this side of the maknae. When he held Wonho, he was insatiable and bold. The respectful hesitation of touching his hyung suddenly seemed to disappear and Wonho saw in his eyes a desire that seemed unstoppable—a fire that could not be put out. This new side of Changkyun both intrigued and flustered him. He was happy that he was the only person that got to see him that way—a desperate Changkyun that wanted and needed him more than anything else in the world. No one had ever looked at him like Changkyun had. There was no ulterior motive or restrained feelings when he’d reached out to touch Wonho. His gaze was genuine and true and, therefore, made Wonho feel safe and secure in his arms. He never knew he needed that sense of stability—that protection—from the maknae. But then again, he was unsure about whether or not he could give into Changkyun’s temptation. Was it right for him to be selfish in such situations? Even when there were plenty of girls out there that could love Changkyun and deserved him more than he did? Wonho felt so special underneath the pressure of his firm hands but he felt compromised—wondering whether such treatment really belonged to him.

 

“Where’d you and Changkyun-ah go last night?” Kihyun asked him. Wonho looked up from the bowl of cereal, still chewing. He gulped as Kihyun sat in the chair across from him.

“We just went to eat at the usual restaurant,” he replied.

“Is there something wrong with the food I make?”

“No, I…” he stirred the cereal embarrassingly, “We just wanted to spend some time together.” Kihyun’s face went from scrunched and confused to relaxed as he seemed to realize. He let out a sigh,

“You know it’s dangerous to be having dates in public…especially now that the manager knows.”

“Yeah, but…we go out to eat in pairs all the time…” he pointed at Kihyun with his spoon, “From an outsider’s perspective, we looked like two friends eating together.” 

“And from the manager’s perspective you look like forbidden lovers having a secret date.” Wonho pressed his lips tightly and returned to eating his cereal.

“Ok, I get it,” he said gloomily. “I guess I just…got caught up in the moment.” He saw Kihyun’s eyes turn sympathetic.

“You really like him, huh?” Wonho laughed,

“Why do you say that?”

“I don’t know; but these days, not many things can distract Hoseok-hyung from work.” Wonho looked down and slowly took another bite of his cereal. Kihyun had a point; when was the last time he thought about working on songs or creating new works and concepts for future comebacks? With Changkyun, he could only focus on one thing. And though it made his vision narrow, he found himself gradually becoming addicted to the private world they shared. 

“We’re in our honeymoon phase,” he found himself saying—to convince himself more than Kihyun or anyone else for that matter, “Once we’re used to being around each other…I know we’ll be able to hide our relationship better.” Kihyun nodded, his mouth tightened,

“I hope you’re right, hyung…for all of our sakes.” Wonho suddenly wanted to apologize—feeling guilty for going through with this secret relationship with Changkyun even when it risked the careers of every single member. However, Kihyun departed into the living room before he could gulp down the cereal and open his mouth. It wasn’t as though the flowery veil of love had clouded his judgement; he was still aware of the stakes and risks that came with his happiness. But he also knew letting go of Changkyun was not an option anymore. The best he could do was admit this situation wasn’t ideal and still try his best—even when the initial guilt of being selfish was constantly present and hidden underneath the butterflies. 

 

He was scrolling on his phone while lying on the couch for about half an hour before he felt the need to go to his studio to work on songs. Minhyuk—who was in the middle of an intense soccer tournament on the video game console—had to constantly remind him that this was their resting time before continuing the world tour tomorrow and that it was ok to laze around. Though he understood that they needed to rest, he couldn’t fight the urge to do something—anything related to work; and, thanks to his recent amount of undeserved happiness, his workaholic nature was getting the better of him. 

Wonho stretched his body out on the leather cushions before turning around on his tummy. He clicked off his phone and rested his chin on his arms. 

“It’s so quiet today,” he mumbled. “Where is everyone?”

“Jooheon is working on a collaborative project,” A few clicks from the controller commenced followed by muffled audio from the TV, “Kihyun and Shownu-hyung are in their rooms. Changkyun and Hyungwon went shopping. Come on, come on…” Minhyuk let out a frustrated yell before Wonho saw his body tense up and move frantically as though he was actually in the game. 

“Calm down,” Wonho laughed. But Minhyuk didn’t seem to hear him. More clicking and angry grunts followed. In what felt like his own silence, Wonho continued to casually watch his game—surprisingly engaged in it—until he heard the front door open. The next thing he felt was a light weight on his back. He turned around quickly to find Hyungwon standing beside the couch; he’d placed a bag of groceries on top of Wonho as though he were a table. Wonho instantly grabbed his forearm and squeezed it until Hyungwon uttered a cry of pain.

“What’d you guys get?” he asked after the guy managed to shake him off.

“Mostly junk food,” Hyungwon replied, throwing bags of chips and snacks on the counter of the dinner table. Wonho quickly got up and grabbed the first bag he saw. He immediately opened it and began crunching down the salty goodness.

“Ah…seriously, it’s been a while since I’ve eaten this kind of thing,” he sighed with satisfaction. When he sat down at the table to fully enjoy his snack, the maknae entered the living room from the front door with a box full of food. As usual, Changkyun took in the setting and atmosphere of the room—his eyes observing who was present and who was siting where before coming forward and setting the box alongside the other snacks.

“I see Hoseok-hyung is already eating,” he said to Hyungwon with a small laugh. Wonho squinted his eyes at their exchanged looks,

“Am I missing something?” he asked curiously.

“We were gonna have a movie night,” Hyungwon explained, “That’s why we went out and bought all this.”

“Oh…” he slowly crumpled the bag close, “Sorry.”

“It’s fine,” Changkyun said, “We bought like fifteen of those. Besides…” he slightly leaned closer, “Hyung can eat whatever he wants.”

“Stop,” Minhyuk shouted from the living room. A one-dimpled smile appeared on Changkyun’s adorable face before he began searching through the groceries.

“I’ll call Jooheon to see if he’s almost finished,” Hyungwon briefly said—trying not to sound annoyed—as he exited the kitchen. Wonho looked around him before slowly opening the bag again—causing the maknae to laugh.

“What?” Wonho asked.

“Nothing,” Changkyun shook his head—still smiling to himself. Then, he seemed to find what he was looking for among the groceries. He placed a covered plastic bowl of cut fruit—predominantly strawberries—in front of Wonho.

“What’s this?” Wonho’s eyebrows rose.

“I got this for hyung…you like strawberries, don’t you?”

“Ah…” he licked his lips before bashfully pressing them together, “I do…thanks.” He held the bowl in his hands as he recalled their past conversations regarding not knowing each other as well as they thought, “I um…I also like the strawberry flavor of malang candy…” Changkyun smiled in appreciation before touching Wonho’s shoulder.

“W-what do you like?” Wonho asked nervously. The maknae laughed,

“I like you, hyung.” Before he knew it, his fingers were ever-so-slightly caressing Changkyun’s,

“I’m talking about snacks,” he said. 

“I know.” Changkyun teasingly took his hand back before joining Minhyuk in the living room. Wonho had to stop himself from becoming too happy from such a little thing. He threw the bag of chips on the table and immediately unwrapped the bowl of fruit. 

 

“Why do we have to watch a scary movie?” Kihyun complained, “I’m not in the mood for horror. And isn’t Jooheon scared?”

“I’m fine,” Jooheon said, his entire body already covered in a blanket, “I’ve been wanting to watch this anyway.”

“Yeah, stop complaining already,” Minhyuk said turning up the volume with the remote before frantically scrambling over to Jooheon’s side. Wonho laughed softly before resting his cheek against his hand. He didn’t particularly like movies; whenever he was even in the mood to watch one, he commonly found himself becoming bored and escaping to his studio to work on songs instead. But he always enjoyed Monsta X’s rare movie nights. They really felt like a family when they did this together; and he felt a natural sense of belonging that warmed him from the inside. 

About halfway through the movie, he finally noticed Changkyun’s head casually nestled against his chest. Wonho glanced over at Shownu—who was also sitting on the couch with the two of them—but the leader looked half asleep. Then he looked to the other couch where Kihyun and Hyungwon were shielding their eyes with the blanket. Sitting on the floor in front of them were Jooheon and Minhyuk who were constantly clinging and gripping onto each other with both anticipation and fear. Wonho smiled at the humorous scene before playfully nudging his mouth against the top of Changkyun’s head. When the maknae didn’t respond, he wrapped his arm around Changkyun’s shoulders and squeezed one of them. Again, no response. It wasn’t until he shook him gently that he realized he was already asleep. Changkyun-ah…my chest is no place to be sleeping so soundly. 

As carefully as possible, he stood from the couch before taking Changkyun in his arms. The other members didn’t seem to notice his departure—and kidnapping of the maknae—as he made his way to the others’ room. Getting Changkyun to the top bunk was difficult but, thanks to the hours he spent at the gym, he managed to do it without waking him up. As soon as the maknae’s head was on a suitable pillow, Wonho patted his chest gently before turning back around. 

“Hyung…?” A low, groggy voice suddenly said amongst the silence. The maknae rubbed his head adorably and blinked his eyes a few times before his hazy gaze fell on Wonho, “What’s going on? Where am I--?”

“Shh…go back to sleep,” he hushed.

“Mm…” Changkyun reached out and squeezed his hands open and close like a baby until Wonho gave in and grabbed onto them. He didn’t expect the maknae to pull him and his heart jolted when he was suddenly lurched forward. Without having time to catch himself properly, his face heavily landed on Changkyun’s chest—causing the maknae to curse out in English and in agony. 

“Changkyun-ah,” Wonho scolded him; he lifted himself on his forearms and lightly rubbed his forehead against Changkyun’s throbbing chest, “You ok?” The sound of the maknae’s cough mixed with a soft laugh cleansed his heart. His face distorted in that over-the-top and humorous way that always managed to make Wonho laugh.

“Ah…” Changkyun sighed rubbing his sore chest, “Hyung messing with my heart—what else is new?”

“Don’t try to make it romantic, stupid,” he snickered before blowing a raspberry into Changkyun’s neck. An unexpected, high-pitched sound escaped the usually low-voiced maknae before he hit Wonho on the shoulder. Then he wrapped his arms around Wonho’s neck and pulled him closer. With little resistance, Wonho pressed his cheek against the maknae’s chest and let out a soothed sigh. The familiarity of his welcoming warmth made his heart flutter. Changkyun’s hands gently caressed his back.

“Keep me warm for a bit,” he purred into Wonho’s ear.

“Are you drunk?” Wonho asked. “You’re not usually this clingy.”

“No,” Changkyun laughed softly, “Just tired…”

“Yeah, I figured. You fell asleep on me…”

“I did?”

“So, it wasn’t on purpose?”

“I don’t think so…” Wonho’s heart briefly skipped a beat as Changkyun’s hands slid down to his lower back.

“Changkyun-ah…”

“Hmm?”

“Thanks for the fruit…”

“I was gonna get you flowers or something,” the maknae’s voice dropped an octave and Wonho could sense his level of embarrassment through the sudden temperature rise of his skin, “But I thought it’d be too obvious. And I didn’t know which kind you’d like…” This guy…how can he be so cute? 

“I’m not a picky person,” Wonho murmured, lightly circling his fingers around the bare skin of Changkyun’s bicep, “I like a lot of things so…don’t stress too much, ok?” He casually turned on his side to face Changkyun. Since the mattress was meant for one person, the space between them was limited to an inch. With the proximity, of course, Wonho couldn’t resist reaching out and caressing Changkyun’s soft neck. His fingers gently played with bits of his hair,

“I can’t really explain it but…when I hear that you’re thinking of me—especially when I’m not in the room—it makes me really happy…even though you didn’t get me flowers or anything fancy…the fact that you thought about it and wondered what I would like…” he smiled without realizing, “I think that was the best gift.” Changkyun’s face lit up in such an innocent and affectionate way that it made Wonho selfishly wish he’d be the only person ever allowed to witness such a pure thing.

“I’m sorry, hyung…” the maknae murmured with a slight smile, “I forgot the kind of person you are…”

“What does that mean?”

“Ah…nothing,” Changkyun’s eyes glistened, “I just love you…” Wonho blinked numerous times at the sudden attack; the mood wasn’t even appropriate for those words yet the strange maknae went and threw them at him out of nowhere. He hid his face in Changkyun’s pillow,

“Of course, I love you, too,” he mumbled, “But don’t say it so suddenly…it makes me cringe.”

“You speak like this to Monbebe all the time…”

“Stop acting…” he muffled into the cushion, “You know it’s different with you.” Changkyun’s comforting hand rubbed against his back,

“Ok, ok I won’t tease you anymore,” Wonho trembled as Changkyun kissed his ear and murmured, “Come up for air now…” He turned his head—his mouth still pouting. However, the maknae quickly dispelled his aegyo with a kiss—his lips tender and slightly wet. Immediately, Wonho’s heart grew weak and he had to fight down the urge to tear up. Every time the maknae threw him off course, he was hit with an upsurge of emotions that he could not handle—happiness, sadness, confusion, surprise...He knew that he was a sentimental person, but he never expected to react so emotionally and effortlessly to this guy.

“Changkyunnie...” he chewed the inside of his bottom lip, “I want to tell you something…”

“Yeah? The mood suddenly changed,” The maknae observed innocently, “Should I be worried?”

“No…it’s nothing to worry about…just…I’ve never said this kind of thing out loud before…” he nervously fiddled with the collar of Changkyun’s shirt, “In truth, I like people; I like to be friendly and to reach out to strangers but…only at a certain distance…I…I’m scared of getting too close to others. And I’m especially scared of becoming closer and more serious with you…I know I can handle new things but this…this—us—it’s really different for me.” He found himself struggling to get his thoughts out—which was surprising since his mouth and brain always seemed to be in sync. Before he knew it, his hand was desperately searching for Changkyun’s and the maknae had to grab it himself before his heart finally calmed down. Wonho licked his lips nervously, 

“Lying so close to you—enough that I feel the heat from your body…I’ve done such things in the past with other people but…I don’t think I’ve ever experienced it like this before.” He looked at Changkyun desperately, “What do I do, Changkyun-ah? The last thing I want is to jeopardize the group, but I can’t stop thinking about you—about us. I’ve never liked someone this much…it’s making me crazy. I feel selfish…and dumb…I don’t want to be one of those lovesick idiots but no matter what I do—that’s what I’m becoming…when I’m with you I just can’t help it…I can’t think…I can’t be mature…I can’t…do anything without thinking of you first.”

“Hyung…” the maknae’s fingers gently rubbed against the outside of Wonho’s hand, “That’s the sweetest thing you’ve ever said to me…” Wonho choked out a laugh,

“I sound like a blabbering teenager…”

“But it’s what you really feel…” Changkyun said, smiling to himself, “I like hearing you talk…especially about the kind of stuff you’d usually keep to yourself. Can you do it more often?” Changkyunnie…asking for such things from me—even as the maknae…we’ve really come a long way…

“Isn’t it annoying though?” he said shyly, “One of the girls I dated in the past told me I talked too much…” The maknae’s eyes suddenly narrowed,

“What?”

“She said I took things too seriously and unnecessarily overanalyzed everything with my words,” he laughed softly, “I don’t think she minded at first, but she got tired of it pretty quickly—said I was in my head too much to pay attention to her.”

“You can pay attention to whatever the hell you want.” Wonho’s eyes widened,

“Changkyun-shi, don’t swear…”

“What kind of selfish person were you dating?”

“I could ask you the same thing.” Changkyun’s face scrunched up in defeat before he let out a sigh,

“Sorry…”

“Are you being jealous right now?”

“I’m not…being anything…” the maknae rubbed his forehead, clearly embarrassed, “I just…I can’t stand people who don’t appreciate you…and accept you for who you are.” Wonho blinked in confusion,

“What are you talking about?” Changkyun looked hesitant to tell him anything but he seemed to realize he needed to return the favor and trust of also sharing what was on his mind. He glanced at Wonho briefly before averting his gaze as he’d done many times before.

“When…when I saw things in the past…small instances where you were ignored by an interviewer…or disregarded on live broadcast or even disrespected by fans—as though your presence didn’t matter unless you had your shirt off or you were being sexy…I…I wanted so badly to do something about it…but I couldn’t…I knew all of those little moments couldn’t have just been ignored—they must’ve been piling up…and just hurting you and your self-esteem more and more…sometimes I felt so helpless wondering if you would ever let me in and help you…I knew you were too selfless to burden someone else with those kinds of things but…I still hoped…” Changkyun’s thin lips pressed together, “So now…of course, I’d want to do all I can to keep you safe…”

“I do feel safe…” Wonho swallowed the initial feeling of ache in his chest, “Especially with you…” A light dimple showed on Changkyun’s cheek,

“Good…”

“Changkyunnie…” he caressed his trembling face, “You didn’t have to worry so much. I was fine…”

“Really?” Wonho blinked back the sudden sting in his eyes,

“Yeah…” he could taste the lie on his tongue, “I had the members…and Monbebe…” Changkyun smiled but Wonho knew it wasn’t because he was convinced. Before he knew it, the maknae’s hand was on his chest—the tips of his fingers sinking into Wonho’s muscles.

“Why do I get the feeling that you’re lying to make me feel better?” he murmured. As expected of the observant maknae; he couldn’t act in front of him.

“I…I don’t want to think about those days, Changkyun-ah,” Wonho sighed, “I was going through a lot of things back then…this life—the life of an idol—was difficult for me but I’ve gotten used to it. And there was nothing you could’ve done to change what people thought about me anyway.”

“Hoseok…” Like always, Changkyun murmured his real name in that low, seductive tone that made him tremble. His soft hand briefly brushed against Wonho’s neck—sending a gentle tingling down his spine, “You don’t have to tell me everything right away…but I hope one day you’ll feel safe and comfortable enough…to share that part of yourself with me.” 

“You mean the weak part…” The maknae smiled briefly,

“Just the part that needs to be hugged now and then…”

“I…it’s not like I don’t trust you or I don’t feel safe with you…” he caressed Changkyun’s hand against his face, “It’s just embarrassing…to be leaning on you for support…”

“Because I’m younger.”

“Because…once I start…I won’t be able to stop,” he snuggled his cheek against Changkyun’s hand and took in his scent, “I’m starting to think I need you…in a way that I’ll probably never be able to explain…and if I can’t explain something—if I can’t understand it…then I get scared. So…so just be patient…I know one day I’ll give in…right now, it’s just a little hard to let go…of everything…”

“Hyung…don’t feel pressured to change how you feel for my sake. But if this is something you really want to do…just know that I’ll always be waiting for you…” Wonho nodded—holding back his sobs,

“Ok…” When their eyes met, Wonho’s lips slightly trembled as though they were already anticipating the taste and feeling of Changkyun’s mouth. He kissed the maknae eagerly, his hands gripping onto his shirt collar. Already, he was craving his heat. He fully shifted his back against the mattress as Changkyun climbed on top of him. His heart was beating like the heavy bass of Monsta X’s music from the wolf-like gaze piercing into him. 

“Changkyun-ah, wait--” he attempted to speak in between their kiss but the addicting taste kept him from his own words. Even after experiencing such intimacy with the maknae, he was still susceptible to his confusing and intoxicating kiss. Wonho helplessly melted underneath the sensation of Changkyun’s tongue pushing against his own. His hands slid up and around Changkyun’s back, slightly pushing up the thin fabric of his t-shirt. Before he knew it, he found himself becoming aroused—sooner than usual; and from something so simple. These past few nights with Changkyun had clearly made his body more sensitive and weak to his touch. The thought worried Hoseok; Changkyun already took his heart and was constantly occupying his thoughts. If he took his body, too—what would become of his existence?

Finally, the maknae pulled back but Wonho—though short of breath—still desired to feel his lips. He continued to give Changkyun small, soft kisses.

“Wonho…” The maknae murmured breathlessly, his eyes enticing him even more. He gently rubbed his nose against Wonho’s—causing Hoseok’s breathing to increase. Heat rose up inside him until his neck became irritated with what felt like sharp stings. He impatiently tilted his head up to kiss Changkyun again but the maknae slightly pulled back—teasing him. His lips tightened in anger and he was about to scold him, but all words left his conscious when he felt the maknae’s hand on that particular area of his pants.

“Ah--!” his body suddenly jolted as Changkyun’s hand unapologetically pushed against it. His cheeks flushed when the maknae looked at him; he couldn’t think or move. He’d forgotten how to speak. Whenever their eyes locked, Wonho was constantly reminded of when the maknae’s eyes used to escape his gaze and go to the floor instead. It gave his chest an aching squeeze as he thought about those missed moments where he could have been saved by his mere acknowledgement—or even by the possible, loving gaze that he tried to hide away from his hyung. Of course, he knew regretting such things was futile; but he couldn’t help it. Their relationship had been built off subtle flirtation, awkwardness, and hidden feelings. He felt as though he’d wasted time in the wrong places, at the wrong moments. 

Wonho shuddered pleasantly when he felt the maknae’s lips on his neck; and felt his soft breath against his sensitive skin as he laughed.

“Am I that good at kissing?” Changkyun murmured.

“Don’t push it, maknae-ah,” Wonho grabbed his wrist before he could take his unintended innuendo the wrong way. The first time he let Changkyun touch him, he could not get over that strange feeling—that odd sensation of doubt and fear that occupied itself inside his chest. He thought too much about the fact that they were supposed to be friends and about the fact that one of them was supposed to be a girl. But mostly, he became frightened that such a thing could feel so natural. The second time, his mental and emotional state was better; he was too preoccupied with Changkyun’s body and his warmth to be thinking about such things. 

“Hyung…” the maknae gave his ear a kiss before his ravenous mouth moved down the side of his jaw, “Let me do this for you…” Wonho’s eyes fluttered numerous times in disbelief before a nervous gulp went down his throat. He let out an unsteady breath,

“What if a member walks in?”

“Shh…” Changkyun hushed him—his breath causing a pleasant burning to zip down Wonho’s spine, “Just stop thinking for a little bit…” The seductive tone of his voice caused the self-control in Wonho’s body to deteriorate. He slowly released Changkyun from his hand—allowing the maknae to take control of his body—even for just a short while.

 

His legs were sore after spending over an hour on the exercise bike and he had to stumble his way back to the hotel room before he collapsed. Shownu was already lying on the bed and scrolling on his phone when he returned.

“How was the gym?” The leader asked. Wonho closed the door behind him.

“You should’ve come with me,” he wiped his forehead with the towel that was wrapped around his neck, “It was pretty empty.”

“That’s because no one is working out at one in the morning.” Shownu did have a reasonable argument but Wonho couldn’t help it. Because of the recent upsurge in bliss, energy was constantly coursing through his heated veins and he needed to channel it somewhere.

“By the way,” the leader nudged his chin, “There’s something for you on the bed.” Wonho’s eyebrows rose in curiosity before walking over. Sure enough, there was a bag of groceries sitting on his pillow. He cautiously dug through it and found a plastic container with fruit (mostly strawberries), some salty and unhealthy but tasty chips, and the largest size of strawberry-flavored malang candy he’d ever seen. He held back a smile before putting it all back into the bag.

“I’m gonna wash up,” he hid his red face as he headed to the bathroom. After his shower, he found Shownu was already sleeping with the lamp on his side of the room shut off. Phone in hand, Wonho climbed into the soft, cushiony blankets of the hotel bed. He snuggled himself into the mattress and hugged one of the pillows before tapping his phone open. 

“Thank you, oppa~” he wrote jokingly. In only a few seconds, his phone lit up with Changkyun’s reply,

“Why are you still up? You need to rest.” Wonho smiled before lying on his stomach and sinking his elbows into the pillow.

“I was in the gym.”

“Gym rat.”

“Hahaha.” Wonho tightened his lips nervously before shyly typing in, “I miss you.” He stared at his phone until he saw the text pop up.

“I miss you, too. Wish you were in my arms~”

“Wow. So greasy.”

“Greasy~ greasy~ I’m glad you like the gift. Did you have a good workout?”

“Yeah. I was on the bikes.”

“Ah, the only thing I could actually do at the gym. I would’ve joined if you asked.”

“Really?”

“No.”

“Haha.”

“Eat something healthy before you go to sleep, ok?”

“Are you my mom?”

“Just a concerned boyfriend.” Heat immediately seeped into Wonho’s cheeks; he covered his trembling lips with his hand to calm himself.

“You, too,” he wrote after getting back his breath, “Eat well.”

“Hyungwon-hyung and I ordered some food a while ago. We’re both already sleeping.”

“Sorry for waking you.”

“It’s fine. I was thinking about you anyway.” 

“Hahahaha. Nice.”

“It’s not nice. Hyung is not letting me sleep. Take responsibility!” Wonho laughed softly before clicking on the camera icon. He puffed out his cheeks, took a quick selfie, and sent it to the maknae.

“Does this help?” he texted—holding back a smile. After a moment came Changkyun’s reply—a picture of pitch blackness and then,

“I took one, too. But the lights are off hahaha.” So cute…Wonho adjusted his arms around the pillow.

“You should sleep now, Changkyunnie. I’ll let you go.”

“What about you, hyung?”

“I’ll eat some snacks and stay up until I feel tired.”

“Do you want me to keep you company?”

“No, I’ll be fine.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah.” He sent some heart stickers to assure him before typing in, “Good night,” and turning his phone face down on the nightstand. It was always difficult for him to sleep in a bed that wasn’t his own or located in an unfamiliar place. So, of course, the world tour was no help to his sleeping schedule. Often times, it took him two or three hours before he could finally lower his guard and close his eyes. He didn’t want to worry the maknae with his own problems or keep him from getting his own rest. But he was also tempted to give into Changkyun’s offer. It was easy to fall into his comforting arms when he felt weak or inadequate, but he needed to learn restraint if he wanted their relationship to last.

 

As he went down the steps after saying bye to Buenos Aires Monbebe, a sudden sharp pain shot through his head. He had to grip onto the handrail to keep himself from falling over. Wonho held his palm against his aching forehead and tightened his eyes shut.

“You ok?” Hyungwon asked, turning around. Wonho looked up and saw black dots,

“Yeah,” he nodded. “Just need some water.” The pain subsided by the time he made his way to the waiting room. He tapped his forehead with a towel a couple times before hydrating himself—knowing that this wasn’t going to be the last time a headache would catch him off guard. He was lacking hours of sleep and using energy he didn’t have. If he kept going like this, he wouldn’t last the rest of the tour. Wonho felt a hand on his back and quickly looked up—hoping it was Changkyun. He found Kihyun staring back at him with a concerned expression,

“Your voice was cracking during Fighter,” he pointed out bluntly, “Have you been getting enough sleep?”

“Of course,” Wonho lied before taking another sip from his drink. He looked around the room briefly in search of the maknae but found he was gone.

“The manager called for him after the show,” Kihyun said, taking notice of his searching eyes. Wonho pushed down the initial sensation of worry before finding a seat on one of the couches; he’d pass out if he remained standing any longer. After moments of pressing the cool bottle against his forehead, his body managed to calm down a little. Because of the brief break they had, it wasn’t surprising that he needed a little time to adjust to the pace of the three-hour-long concert again. But his fatigue was wearing him out more than he thought. 

He stood up to go wash his face but that was when Changkyun walked into the room; Wonho almost allowed himself to run over to him on instinct but he saw the maknae was accompanied with two other guests. Only one of them Wonho recognized—Changkyun’s mother. The other was a stranger—a young woman he’d never seen before. Based on her appearance, he concluded she was American or European with light brown hair and blue eyes. She was thin, slightly shorter than Changkyun, and had his youth. Unlike Jang-mi, she wasn’t timid or nervous; she boldly stood next to Changkyun as though she belonged there. The other members warmly greeted and hugged Changkyun’s mom when they saw her but Wonho could only stand there—confused. 

“Changkyun’s father has business in a city near Buenos Aires,” his mom told them after the commotion.

“Did you come watch the concert again?” Jooheon asked. She shook her head and laughed softly at their disappointed reactions,

“I just wanted to stop by and say hi. I’ll head back tonight.”

“Ah, really, mom…you’re breaking our hearts…” Jooheon joked. More laughter commenced but Wonho still couldn’t find himself to move or join the flow of the conversation. The sudden appearance of this stranger was throwing him off. This wasn’t just any girl; if Changkyun made the effort to bring her backstage to meet them, it was clear she meant something, right? And she showed up with his mother no less. That could only prove their closeness; such a thought made Wonho’s headache return without mercy.

Eventually, the members quieted as their attention went to the girl,

“W-who’s this?” Jooheon asked in English; he looked at her, “What’s your name?”

“Cara,” she said—smiling so wide her teeth showed.

“Oh! So-so nice to meet you,” the rapper continued—clearly enjoying the opportunity to speak English to a native speaker.

“Nice to meet you, too,” she giggled.

“We knew each other when I lived in Boston,” Changkyun explained in Korean and the other five members’ eyes widened—their mouths agape—as it all became clearer.

“Really?” Kihyun asked.

“Wow,” Minhyuk added in English, “Awesome.”

“What are you doing here?” Shownu asked her. Wonho didn’t understand her answer due to his own lack of English vocabulary but Changkyun quickly explained as though it was the most important information in the world.

“She’s studying abroad for school here,” he explained, “After she found out we were doing a concert, she met up with my mom.”

“Did you come watch us?” Jooheon asked. She blushed,

“No, I couldn’t get a ticket on time.”

“Ah…so…so sad.” The girl laughed again at Jooheon’s overexaggerated facial expression. Wonho felt an undesirable squeeze around his stomach. So, she was a childhood friend of Changkyun’s…yet she couldn’t even think ahead to buy a ticket to see him? What did she want from him? What were her true intentions? Why now—when he was in the middle of a world tour—did she decide to visit him—or even think about him again after all this time? Wonho didn’t want to jump to conclusions about her so quickly but he couldn’t help it. His mind automatically went to the worst with the key ingredient of envy guiding it. 

He must’ve had a sour or angry look on his face because all their attention suddenly went to him. 

“Hoseok, are you not going to hug me?” Changkyun’s mom asked, causing him to feel guilty. He allowed himself to smile before walking over and wrapping his arms around her. 

“You look very pretty,” he said warmly. “It’s nice to see you again.” She nodded with a grin,  


“Mm…ah, your skin is so pale,” she pointed out—eyes wide—before lying a hand against his cheek and forehead, “Are you sick?” A mother’s intuition is no joke, he thought.

“No, I’m fine,” Wonho said with a smile. 

“Are you sure? I have some medicine--”

“It’s just a little headache,” he assured her. 

“Ah, really…you boys are working so hard,” Changkyun’s mom sighed, “Make sure to eat well and get good amounts of sleep…I’m proud of you but your health comes first.” The rest of Monsta X nodded and agreed. However, Wonho couldn’t stop glaring at the girl and he couldn’t stop feeling uncomfortable with how she looked at Changkyun with such possessiveness and entitlement—as though he already belonged to her.

“I wanted to take you all out to eat,” Changkyun’s mom said—interrupting his jealous thoughts, “But the manager told me you still have work to do after the concert? Is that true?”

“Only some of us,” Kihyun explained, “I don’t think Changkyunnie…Wonho-hyung, or Minhyuk have anything planned.”

“Oh…I can just take you three out then,” she patted Wonho on the back, “You other four, do your best, ok?” Then followed a mixture of gratitude and sounds of understanding before they politely bowed towards Changkyun’s mom and expressed their appreciation of her visit. That was when the managers started encouraging them to be on their way and the group split up for the night. 

 

Wonho sat alone in the backseat of the car while Changkyun, Minhyuk, and the girl sat in the front. Changkyun’s mother was in the passenger seat while one of the managers drove—they were having a conversation that was too quiet for Wonho to hear.

“You knew I.M when he was…young?” Minhyuk asked curiously.

“Yes…” the girl replied with a smile, “We went to school together.” 

“Wow…”

“But we tried to keep in touch even after Daniel--I.M moved back to Korea.” Wonho drowned out their conversation, his gaze lost on the brightly lit highway. Once in a while, there were some key words he understood but other than that, he was an outsider. He heard Changkyun’s low voice speaking to her as well; he’d grown even more fluent in English thanks to their world tour and it suddenly made Wonho feel apart from him. A queasy, unstable sensation suddenly spread through his body—starting from his already sick stomach. He was falling…being pulled away…his heart was slowly closing again, and the walls were already prepared to come up. Despite being grateful for Changkyun’s mom’s generous offer of buying them dinner, he didn’t feel like eating. The only thing he wanted to do was go back to the hotel and curl up in his bed—even if he couldn’t sleep. He wanted to pull the blankets over his head and be isolated from everyone—including the Changkyun that was now making this girl laugh.

He was a few steps behind them as they got out of the car, as they head into the restaurant, and as the server seated them at the table. When he pulled out his chair, his eyes briefly met the girl’s. He could tell she was intimidated by him. Her large eyes stared as though she wanted to speak to him the most but was too frightened because of his appearance—his strong build, piercing eyes—his merciless, beautiful face that had killed Monbebe time and time again. It also didn’t help that he hadn’t said a word to her since she showed up. Hoseok suddenly felt guilty for harboring such negative feelings towards her from the start; he wished he could show her the kind and cute Wonho that stood before Monbebe. Usually, he was so gentle and effortless when it came to people—even strangers. But this was different; no matter how hard he searched inside himself, that ideal Wonho was gone.

“What’s wrong?” Changkyun asked—noticing her expression.

“Uh…nothing,” she shook her head.

“Don’t mind WonHo,” he smiled as he pronounced his name the way English speakers did, “He’s just hungry.”

“Oh,” she laughed softly.

“Don’t speak for me,” Wonho said in a tone that was rougher than he’d intended. The girl definitely picked up on it despite not knowing Korean and her confidence shriveled into an even smaller shape. Changkyun stared at him—his eyes wide.

“Be nice, hyung…” he said cautiously. Wonho almost—almost—allowed himself to act recklessly and childishly—to pull the hyung card and scold Changkyun for demanding such things from him as the maknae. But he held his tongue.

“Everything ok, Daniel?” the girl asked. 

“Huh?” Changkyun turned towards her as though he’d forgotten anyone else was in the room, “Uh, yeah…let’s eat.”

“Sure,” she smiled before sitting down. Wonho expected Changkyun to look at him but the maknae simply sat down next to her before handing her the menu. He was on the edge of allowing himself to be irritated, but he had to remind himself that, in this situation, they were friends—not lovers. Changkyun was simply doing his part and he had to do his. Still, despite that, his heart hurt. And when he looked over at Changkyun’s mom and remembered what the guy had said prior to this—about willingly introducing Hoseok to his parents as his boyfriend, it hurt even more. 

 

Wonho stared at the untouched ribs in front of him; his eyes slowly went up and he saw the girl still sitting between Changkyun and his mom. Changkyun would occasionally ask her something in English and she would respond with great enthusiasm before laughing as though she’d just told an amazing joke. Wonho knew it wasn’t polite of him to sit silently and not try to get to know this girl who’d known Changkyun in his previous life—even if it was just a poor act. He knew he should’ve made some sort of effort to engage in their conversation but there was little he could do. He could barely understand English—much less speak it. Across the table was a place he didn’t belong and, for the first time in a long while, he felt Changkyun was from a different world. 

This stranger speaking to this pretty girl so smoothly and gently—making her laugh and making sure she ate enough. Who was he? Is this how he usually was with girls? It was obvious he treated her differently than how he treated Hoseok. Somehow, from an outsider’s perspective, their conversation and the world between them looked more special and impenetrable. Changkyun kept eye contact with her as opposed to when he was with Wonho and he barely stuttered or stumbled over his words; he wasn’t nervous or shy or even cute. He wasn’t the maknae when he was with her. He was a charming, mature, and handsome man and someone Wonho didn’t know.

“Hyung, can you pass me a napkin?” Minhyuk asked. Wonho immediately snapped back to reality; he’d forgotten Minhyuk was even here. Feeling guilty, he grabbed the napkin dispenser and handed it to him.

“Thanks,” Minhyuk said before pulling out some napkins and wiping his mouth. He picked up his fork and continued carving up his steak, “She’s funny, huh? I think her and Changkyun would be a good match.”

“How would you know she’s funny? You can barely understand what she’s saying.” Minhyuk’s eyes were large at his heated response.

“Well, Changkyun and his mom are laughing a lot…that must mean she’s funny. Besides, I was joking…”

“Whatever.” Wonho took back the napkins and placed it on his side of the table.

“Hyung, you know she’s just a friend of his.”

“Do I?” 

“What? Oh my god, you’re ridiculous,” Minhyuk said matter-of-factly before lowering his voice, “You honestly think Changkyun would be interested in someone else when he’s dating you?” 

“Of course not,” he forced a laugh before massaging Minhyuk’s shoulder, “Calm down. I’m just joking, too.”

“Oh…” he glanced at Wonho’s untouched food, “Your acting’s gotten really good.”

“Of course. I’m a professional now.” His act was interrupted when he heard the girl laugh again. Wonho didn’t know why but it was probably the most annoying sound he’d ever heard; and it angered and stressed him out to the point where he wanted to go for an intense three-hour-long run around the neighborhood. As nonchalantly as he could, he stood from the table and excused himself to the bathroom. It was easy to act for Minhyuk but if Changkyun confronted him with his jealous feelings, he’d be a mess. He didn’t want to admit such things—didn’t want to say them aloud. Because if he did, that would mean admitting to this weakness and he didn’t want to be weak—not when the maknae had been so strong for him. 

After taking in a few deep breaths, Wonho returned only to find Changkyun and the girl gone. Minhyuk and the manager were speaking at the other table—with Minhyuk casually picking and eating food off the manager’s plate.

“Where’d they go?” Wonho asked. 

“I told Changkyun to walk her to the subway,” Changkyun’s mom replied, “I thought they needed to catch up before you guys leave tomorrow.”

“Oh…” Wonho felt his voice was being whisked from his throat. “So, um…a-are they close?” Changkyun’s mom glanced at him—surprised by his question before answering.

“Not as close as they used to be…they only knew each other a short time when Changkyun was a child. But they were in contact with each other until Changkyun went to University…during that time, her and her family came to visit us in Korea occasionally…” her gaze was distant as she recalled what seemed like pleasant memories, “I thought they were dating, but I don’t think they ever made it official. I suppose you could call them childhood sweethearts?” She stacked the empty plates on the table, “But wouldn’t it be cute if they ended up marrying after all this time? Ah…I’d really want that for my Changkyun…just for him to be happy. I know he’s doing well now—especially with the world tour and the group’s rapid success; and I’m happy he loves music more than anything but…what about later? Will he find someone in time? Will he find someone he truly loves? I do wonder these things…” She looked up from the table and nervously wiped her eyes, “Ah, what am I doing? I shouldn’t be saying this to you. I’m sorry…”

“No…no, it’s fine,” Wonho gave her a small smile before comforting her, “A mother just wants the best for her child…”

They said their farewells to Changkyun’s mom before she left in a taxi. Wonho had to fight back a drowning of emotion as he watched Changkyun hug his mom goodbye. It made his heart swell up in both a painful and heartfelt way. He missed his own mom as well—especially when he felt so sick and unlike himself. He selfishly wanted her to take care of him and make everything better. 

 

“We’re back,” the manager announced as soon as the car parked. Minhyuk and Changkyun slowly rose their heads from their brief naps. They climbed out of the car and sluggishly headed into the hotel. The hallway leading to his room was about the longest he’d ever walked in. He wanted so badly to just lie down and forget the unpleasant night and the girl—and especially how Changkyun acted around her and looked at her. He said good night to the others briefly before making his way to his room—the last one at the end of the hall. 

A small yawn escaped his mouth as he dug through his back pocket for his key card; that was when someone grabbed his arm and pulled him into the nearby stairwell. When he managed to yank himself away, he looked up to find Changkyun staring at him—his expression serious and even slightly livid. Wonho didn’t understand—wasn’t he the mad one? Changkyun stared at him as though he knew everything—as though he’d read Wonho’s mind throughout the entire dinner and even in this moment when Wonho was contemplating between yelling at him or hitting him.

Hoseok narrowed his eyes—challenging the maknae, “What do you want?” Though they’d barely exchanged more than a few phrases throughout the entire night, that unspoken language between them was proving its existence through the intensity of their stares. Changkyun gulped nervously before he spoke,

“You know you didn’t have to act like that…”

“What?”

“Don’t play dumb. You were staring daggers at her all night.”

“Oh, so you actually noticed. Cool. I wouldn’t expect anything less from the observant maknae.” 

“Hyung.” Changkyun’s voice was sharp and clearly irritated. It seemed he too was reaching the end of his tolerance. 

Wonho rubbed his dry eyes with a sigh, “Look, Changkyunnie, I’m too tired for this conversation--” His heart jumped in surprise when the maknae’s hand pushed against his chest—knocking him back before he could escape.

“Look at me, hyung,” Changkyun said. Wonho couldn’t tell if it was a statement or an order. “I’m…I’m trying here. I don’t want a relationship where we can’t talk to each other without you running away the second things get too serious. Do you honestly think I’m comfortable speaking to you like this as the younger one?”

“I didn’t realize dating me was such a chore,” Wonho said coldly; he pushed Changkyun’s hand off his body, “And by the way, I wasn’t glaring at your precious friend, I was glaring at you.” 

“Me…?” Changkyun’s stunned and hurt expression made his heart ache. And for a brief moment, he felt regret for his childish behavior, but he was too angry and frustrated and hours short of sleep to let his guilt get to him. Wonho licked his lips and blinked numerous times to prevent the tears from slipping out; his eyes went to the ceiling before they defeatedly made their way to the floor.

“Two and half years…is not a long time,” he said quietly. It wasn’t what he wanted to say but his mouth was moving regardless—as though his heart was holding his head hostage. He was feeling too many different emotions at the moment; he didn’t know how to sort through them all. He was angry at Changkyun, at the girl, at himself. He was in love, he was sad, and he was afraid of losing the only thing he wanted. “Maybe I…maybe I don’t know you as well as I think I do.” 

“What the hell are you saying?”

“You knew this girl for years before you met me—before you became I.M. She saw you from a different life; I don’t…” he could feel his face start to give into the heartache before he turned away, “I don’t even know what your favorite snack is.”

“Time doesn’t matter,” Changkyun’s hand was already on his shoulder—his grip tighter than usual. When Wonho shrugged off his hand, he walked towards Hoseok like a hungry wolf would prowl towards a bunny and before he knew it, the maknae had backed him up against the wall. 

“I love you, hyung,” Changkyun said with a heavy sigh, “But this part of you pisses me off more than anything.” 

“Ah…” Wonho scoffed, “So you claim to know me that well, do you?”

“Stop it,” the maknae barked, “You’re above this.”

“I’m really not,” his eyes narrowed, “That perfect Wonho that you fabricated in your head is a lie. I’m really just a petty asshole.”

“That’s enough already,” Changkyun’s voice was deep and low—as though all his rage stood behind it, “I won’t tolerate you talking about yourself like that. Jesus, hyung…”

“Sorry, would you prefer I smile and tell jokes and make you laugh so hard you forget your boyfriend is even in the room?”

“She was only here for one night, what was I supposed to do?”

“Yeah. Right. I forgot how good of friends you are. Oh, wait—exactly when did you tell me or any of the members she existed again?”

“Was I supposed to? She was in my life years ago--”

“But she meant something, didn’t she?”

“Even if she did, she doesn’t now so what does it fucking matter?” Immediately, as though someone had muted them with a remote, the stairwell automatically silenced at the utterance of Changkyun’s unapologetic language. The maknae gulped nervously before rubbing the back of his neck, 

“This is clearly about something more, isn’t it?” he said quietly, “You’re not just jealous…something is bothering you.” Wonho sniffed nervously before wiping his nose,

“You’re different from me, Changkyun…” he admitted, his eyes fixed on a black smudge on the floor, “It doesn’t matter what gender they are—I try to be nice and friendly to everyone. But…when you’re with a girl…you’re overly charming…you become more masculine…and sweet—and it’s worse when you speak to them in another language. They’re naturally drawn to your oddness…and your strange humor; it makes them feel special—as though you’re putting down your walls and being yourself only for them. You don’t notice it, but I do…and it drives me fucking crazy and I know it’s not your fault and you’re not doing it on purpose, but I still can’t help it…I can’t help but hate you a little for this. That’s why I…that’s why I can’t stand to look at you right now.”

“Hyung…that’s not fair…”

“I had to watch you flirt with your ex-girlfriend all night I think I have the right to be unfair.”

“I wasn’t--” Changkyun stopped himself quickly—having realized he was about to raise his voice again. This only pissed Wonho off more. Even during a serious, intimate moment like this, he was holding back with his hyung. It felt as though they’d gone back in time. Wonho wiped his damp cheeks,

“I talked to your mom…” he said quietly.

“You did?”

“Yeah, when you were walking your date home.”

“Hoseok, please--”

“She wants you to marry a girl, Changkyun-ah…the one from tonight would do fine…as long as it’s a girl and as long as she makes you happy.” He let out a heavy breath before stretching out his arms as though he felt indifferent about the whole situation—even when his heart was tearing up on the inside, “This night has really given me some perspective…there are girls out there that can make you happy in a realistic way,” he gulped tensely, “We need to grow up.” His entire body jumped when Changkyun slammed his hand against the wall; with his other hand, he gripped Wonho’s cheeks between his thumb and fingers. He stared at Wonho as though he was planning to both kill and undress him. 

“And who the hell are you to tell me what I need to do?” Changkyun gritted through his teeth. On instinct, Wonho pushed him off; he’d never seen Changkyun this livid before. His heart was pounding. He wanted to yell out in anger, but nothing left his lips. Both were saying and doing things they’d only regret, yet he knew it was only possible because they loved each other. Despite his doubt, he knew Changkyun more than he’d ever admit; he may have not known anything about Changkyun’s favorite things, but he knew what kind of person he was. He knew what to say to make Changkyun angry and more so to make him swear. He knew his jealousy would only make Changkyun fight harder to be his. And he knew—because the maknae knew him so well in return—Changkyun could hurt Wonho just as much as he hurt Changkyun. He’d never fought like this with any of his past lovers. In fact, he’d never put this much passion and effort into a relationship before. Their fight had cut Wonho deeply—as though it intended to be a scar.

“I’m going to bed,” Wonho finally said after a long, awkward stretch of silence. He wasn’t expecting Changkyun to stop him. They both seemed to realize the wounds they’ve inflicted on each other and on their relationship. The maknae politely stepped aside as he let his hyung leave.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is the epitome of the tag "fluff and angst" hahahahaha!!!
> 
> Oh yeah, and Changkyun made Wonho's selfie his phone wallpaper...


	8. Changkyun

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is inspired by "From Zero"

He fucked up. He knew he did. With his own hands, he’d hurt the last person he wanted to bring any harm to and—even though he didn’t want to admit it—no one else was to blame but himself. When Wonho left him that night—standing in that cold, abandoned stairwell—he was hit with the realization that nothing else mattered to him as much as Hoseok. Nothing else was more worth fighting for. So why had he been so concerned with Cara—someone he barely remembered from his past? Why did he go and act like Wonho didn’t exist—even when he felt his hyung’s longing and desperate eyes searching for him from across the table? Why did he act so oblivious when he, in fact, knew exactly what he was doing—that acting this way would only make Wonho jealous and hurt? Because the sudden appearance of his past life made him cower in fear? Because when he saw Cara and was reminded of what he used to be, he felt guilty? He felt he needed to show the world that he was normal—that he still had the ability to act like he wasn’t someone swooned so easily by emotion and this childish thing they called love? Changkyun couldn’t understand himself—why he had done what he did to Hoseok and to their relationship. It was like a small, minor part inside him was still afraid. Of what, he couldn’t say but despite all the faith he had put in Hoseok, he had no faith in himself. He constantly doubted he’d be strong enough to keep Wonho happy—and to be good enough for his hyung. He was only a man—and a less experienced one at that. Of course, Changkyun knew what he wanted; he was confident and knew himself well but there was still room for growth in him as a person; and he wanted to grow…with Wonho by his side. He wanted to become a better person—someone worthy of his hyung’s love, time, and effort. But so easily, he gave into the simplicity of charming a girl that would be his the second he agreed to be. That life of marrying a girl and having children was easier and it was the life he had wanted in the past. There was comfort there—stability and familiarity. There were no risks and no fear nor uncertainty. He saw that in Cara when she smiled at him. But the only smile he had wanted was Hoseok’s.

He regretted touching Wonho the way he did—with such possessive and vicious rage; he couldn’t take back his actions, his words—how he looked at him. The heated moment had pulled out a part of himself he didn’t know. It wasn’t who he was—someone so desperate and out of control—a victim to his emotions. The only thing running through his mind when they were fighting was that he didn’t want to lose him. The thought of being apart from Wonho frightened and therefore angered him; the more he thought about it, the more frustrated and helpless he became. And the more bitter his words tasted on his tongue. After Wonho left, he couldn’t even remember what he’d said—only that nothing he actually wanted to say came out. 

Now, four days later, he was wishing he’d gone after Hoseok that night. They were so busy finishing up the tour, there was no time to be thinking about each other or their relationship. Not to mention, his courage to approach his hyung seemed to have diminished. He felt he’d missed his chance to treat him right. Perhaps in the end he just didn’t deserve him…and a girl was indeed the ending to his story…

 

Changkyun sucked in his breath and it remained inside him even as the entire stadium roared. He took a moment to wrap his head around what had happened—blinking numerous times in confusion as confetti fell on his head—before he could move across the stage. Yup. Wonho just tore his Monsta X First World Tour shirt off. He was surprised he didn’t slip on the confetti as his half-naked hyung walked past him—screams of Monbebe following in whatever direction he took. Changkyun felt a gulp travel down his dry throat; he adjusted the cloth over his shoulder. It wasn’t as though Wonho was his—he knew that. He knew Wonho’s body was his own. He knew his hyung liked working out and was proud of his muscles and there was no shame in showing them off. He knew Monbebe respected Wonho and loved him for more than just his body. Yes, he knew this well…he had to deal with such things from day one; and yet…the ill feelings were there—the possessiveness, the jealousy—the need to grab and claim what he felt belonged to him. He didn’t want anyone else looking at Wonho—not even Monbebe. The lights overhead suddenly made his head hurt; he looked down nervously, fiddling with the mic in his hand. He sang a few of the lyrics to 5:14—lines that weren’t even his own—as he slowly walked across the stage. He suddenly felt irritated with his hyung again; that Wonho who could be so happy and effortlessly perfect in front of Monbebe—even after the two of them fought so unapologetically. No one would be able to guess that they were in such a distant and cold state—not with how convincing his hyung’s masquerade was. The smile he gave Monbebe only struck more jealousy in Changkyun. He wanted it for himself. 

 

Before he knew it, the seven of them were lining up for the final bow. He found himself standing next to Wonho—who’s naked arm briefly brushed against his own as they gathered together. Changkyun kept his gaze on the horizon of the large stadium. In his left hand was already Jooheon’s. He was holding his mic in the other and his hyung so happened to be holding his own mic as well—preventing their hands from locking. Changkyun quickly hooked his arm into Wonho’s as Kihyun counted them off for the bow. He felt Wonho’s heated skin briefly—the familiar sensation of his damp flesh. He couldn’t help but wonder what was going through his hyung’s mind—if even an ounce of Changkyun was in there. Or was it all just the concert? Was it all just Monbebe? After they bowed, he hastily pulled his arm away from Wonho and turned around to walk to the other side of the stage. Only his heart seemed to stop entirely when he felt two strong hands on his shoulders. He continued to walk indifferently despite the light flutter in his chest. He kept his eyes on the ground—refusing to look behind at shameless Wonho-hyung who was cutely walking behind him—hands on his shoulders—like a tall, muscular child. Once again, his hyung had caught him off guard and messed with his already vulnerable heart. He stopped when Jooheon—who was walking in front of him—halted. When he turned to Wonho again, he realized his hyung had switched his mic over to his other hand. Changkyun didn’t want to think he did it for a chance to hold his hand properly. The thought made him too happy when he was supposed to be jealous and pissed. Despite still holding onto his own mic, he managed to slip his hand into Wonho’s—their fingers barely fitting together. He let out a small breath before bowing with the others.

 

Wrapping up the world tour and heading home was a blur. He only remembered getting on the plane and falling asleep as they took off. Before he could even realize it, he was already in his bed at home—staring up at the ceiling and waiting for Kihyun to close the lights.

“I’m so tired, I don’t even want to celebrate,” Jooheon sighed, burying his face into his pillow.

“Getting some sleep will be our celebration,” Kihyun said before patting down his face with a towel and finally turning off the lights. Changkyun wanted so badly to fall asleep; he wanted to give his mind and body a break from all the pressure and exhaustion. But his eyes remained open even as the light closed. They’d finally finished their first world tour, yet he didn’t feel complete. It was a good experience, but it took a heavy toll on his heart. In addition to the lack of sleep, the jetlag, the stress, the physical strain on his body—he and Wonho’s relationship had gone through numerous ups and downs. He couldn’t even keep track anymore. One moment, Wonho was his and the next, they were back to being awkward friends with secret crushes—afraid of speaking their mind and afraid of each other. Changkyun couldn’t say he particularly hated it. In fact, he loved whatever sort of relationship he could have with Hoseok—as long as both of them were happy, as long as he could hear Wonho’s laugh and see that radiant smile…as long as Hoseok could make him feel like he deserved to stand by his side even when he himself didn’t believe he did.

 

And so, the tour ended and the preparations for “Dramarama” were already underway. They were to learn the choreography immediately and finish up what recordings they hadn’t already done. Once again, Changkyun was swept up with the familiar quick pace of another comeback. And that left little room for Hoseok in his life. Now, he could only focus on I.M. He needed to be professional and mature; he needed to prove his growth—to show how different he was compared to when he first walked in front of the others. To Monbebe…to the members…and to Wonho…so, maybe then he’d feel like someone worthy of his hyung’s affection. 

Changkyun stared down at the glossy floor; sweat dripped from the tips of his hair. Odd shapes appeared in his blurry vision as he tried to steady his breathing. Dance practice was finally finished for the night. Without glancing at his phone, he knew it was four or five in the morning. They’d been practicing for hours without stopping. He felt like his lungs were collapsing. The choreographer was Wonho’s from his trainee days and their choreographer for “Trespass” and “Rush.” He was kind-hearted but strict and had a tendency to push them. Changkyun was grateful for his passion but his body wasn’t. He wanted to fall down every time he stood up. 

As the others began to pack up their things and head out, Changkyun continued to wipe the droplets of sweat from his forehead. He couldn’t believe his hyungs were so strong-willed. Even after barely surviving the brutality of the world tour, they were willing to give their all for this next comeback. Of course, he too was ready to do his best but that didn’t mean his health and state of wellbeing wouldn’t be jeopardized. When he finally found the strength to get up, he looked up and saw Hoseok offering out his hand. After a moment of hesitation, he grabbed onto Wonho’s muscular forearm and was quickly pulled upwards. His hyung gave him a small smile before patting him briefly on the back.

“You ok?” he asked. Changkyun gulped once and nodded. Wonho looked around him briefly—his hand on Changkyun for only a moment longer before he took it back; his gaze was anxious, “Can I talk to you?”

His eyebrows lifted, “Now?” Changkyun could see the apprehension in the corners of Wonho’s mouth—the doubt and the fear. He, too, felt uneasy speaking to his hyung alone again. Did the tension from their previous meeting remain in their world—that private place they had created together? And did he deserve Wonho’s forgiveness? Even after his selfish behavior? It didn’t feel right. Though his hyung wanted to reach out to him, he wanted to push him away. He didn’t deserve kindness after his behavior—after revealing the person that he was becoming. Anything Wonho offered…he wasn’t the one to take it.

“I…I’m kind of drained right now,” he finally said; then immediately regretted it when he saw Wonho’s hopeful face sink into disappointment. Why he couldn’t just own up to his mistakes and kiss his hyung then he’d never know but he suddenly imagined someone better taking his place by Wonho’s side while he himself started over with someone new—someone mediocre but someone that was enough. And the sudden ache only made him forget everything that had happened between them—the confessions they made, the tears they shed for each other, the moments where he felt the closest to hyung—enough that their skin and breath became one. He only saw them being strangers again—like on that fateful day where he walked onto the set of No Mercy. Wonho had said their mistakes had been progress—regardless of how much they hurt. But Changkyun couldn’t see nor understand that; he’d been in the dark about his feelings for too long. He’d felt the small—yet unforgettable—pain of his hyung ignoring his voice or walking away when he tried to approach him. He saw how Wonho looked at Monbebe—how he looked at everyone else with such love and affection. And because of that, Changkyun only wanted to tighten his grip on Hoseok’s heart more and more. And this selfish want that was slowly becoming a need wasn’t fair to Wonho. His hyung was like a flower with the greatest potential to grow and flourish. He did not want to witness himself becoming a hindrance to that process. Hoseok was on another level; he saw the world differently and Changkyun loved him for that. His hyung was intellectual and rich in spirit. But he was too ahead of him and, no matter how hard he tried to run after, Changkyun knew he’d never catch up. 

“Ah…” Wonho licked his rosy lips after Changkyun’s response, “Ok…” He uttered a light laugh of disbelief before turning to leave. The thought of his hyung leaving scared him; he was floating away—unable to be tied down to anything—not succumbing to the maknae’s desperate hold like always. Changkyun felt helpless. He quickly found his voice,

“Hyung, I…” his head was unraveling; his thoughts began to slip from his mind as Hoseok slightly turned and stared at him with those lovely eyes. 

“Didn’t I tell you to call me Hoseok?”

“Hyung…” Changkyun said again without thinking. He couldn’t break the habit after all.

“What is it?” Wonho’s voice was calm and unsuspecting, and it made Changkyun feel like shit. He cleared his throat nervously, 

“I…I just…” he ran his finger through his damp hair; where was his train of thought when he needed it the most? “I think you were right…” he finally said, his voice low and timid, “We…maybe we do need to grow up…face reality…” Wait. What the hell am I saying? Hyung’s eyes softened; a smile was on his lips,

“Are you breaking up with me?” The words made him gulp.

“Yeah…” No…wait. Stop. “I think you should find someone suitable for you.” Shut up. 

“Really?”

“And I need to do the same.” What? No. “Our age difference…I didn’t think it mattered but maybe it does…” Just stop. Stop talking, Changkyun. “You’ll always be a few years away from me…and I can’t keep chasing after you forever…maybe that’s why we’ve been having so many problems—so many obstacles…” No. This isn’t what I want. “It’s…we’re just not compatible. We’re too different.” Despite wanting to stop, he couldn’t. He didn’t know what to do—what to say—without revealing himself as the fool that’d become victim to love…and someone so unreliable and afraid of being apart from this man. When he finally gave in and met Wonho’s gaze, he saw his hyung staring at him—his expression unreadable. His skin was glowing—still a bit sweaty from dance practice, his hair was slightly pulled back from the cap he’d throw off before they learned the first chorus of “Dramarama.” His eyes had only a small trace of makeup remaining from the photoshoot earlier that day, his nose was a tint pinker than usual—making him look more like a bunny. And his mouth was tight—anxious—but looked so soft and kissable. Why did he have to look so beautiful today of all days? 

Changkyun shifted his weight as he tried to recollect his thoughts. He hesitated before opening his mouth again but flinched when Wonho grabbed onto his bicep—that usual, intense grip practically cutting off the circulation of his blood.

“If you really mean it…I won’t put up a fight…” his hyung said quietly, “But if this is just an excuse…I won’t forgive you. You told me you didn’t want me running away when things got too serious…I’m asking you to do the same. So, be honest with me…” his voice faded for a brief moment before he found the confidence to look Changkyun in the eye, “Did that girl make you realize your true feelings?”

“It’s…it’s not about her,” he looked down—afraid the shame would show on his face, “I just…” He closed his eyes hoping it would keep him from falling apart, “I just want to start over, hyung…” Wonho’s eyebrows furrowed in confusion,

“What are you talking about?”

“Before I met you…before I fell for you…” his throat became dry, “Before I caused you all this pain…I want to go back.”

“And you think…breaking up with me is going to make that happen?”

“No…” his lips pursed, “But it can prevent me from fucking up anymore than I already have.”

“You…didn’t…”

“The only thing I wanted to do was make you happy…” In that moment, he strongly desired to touch Wonho—just to feel his warmth again when his heart was becoming so cold; but he held back his trembling hand—afraid he’d only use it to hurt him again, “All I’ve done is make you cry. You deserve--” He was interrupted when Wonho laughed. But from the heated look in his eyes, Changkyun could tell he wasn’t the least bit amused. His hyung let go of his arm and stepped away as though he were a stranger.

“Haven’t we already gone through this…?” his gentle lips barely moved; his voice was low and grave—mature; Changkyun seldom heard him like this and when he did, he only became more intimidated. Hoseok shook his head in disappointment, “I didn’t think I was good enough for you either, you know…and I pulled away from you because of it. If…if that’s what this is really about…just tell me, Changkyunnie. Because I’m not gonna stand here and listen to you tell me what you think I deserve…” The maknae was speechless; how could he have forgotten how Hoseok felt back then? He’d abandoned him out of self-doubt and now Changkyun was about to do the same. They really were similar fools at the core. But the question was—did these fools belong together? 

His voice cracked, “I can’t help but think it’s unhealthy, hyung…”

“What is?”

“Our relationship…” Wonho suddenly became furious; he looked beyond offended by Changkyun’s comment. Now, Wonho-hyung didn’t get angry very often but when he did, his wrath was scarier than any of the other members.

“And the relationship you had with her was so much better, was it?” Changkyun looked down at his feet,

“Why are you bringing her up again?”

“Because she’s the reason we fought in the first place!” He immediately froze—surprised at how loud Wonho’s voice had gotten. Afterwards, the practice room became quiet and still—awkward even. Perhaps—without him knowing—they had restarted from zero after all. Changkyun wanted to leave. He wanted to avoid his hyung like he had in the past in fear of facing their reality—that they could never get past the obstacles that were themselves. 

Hoseok clicked his tongue after realizing he’d unleased too much anger, “I know I shouldn’t…but I compare myself to her, Changkyun-ah…”

“Hyung, that’s…”

“Through your eyes…she’s another path…an easy one. And I’m…I’m the one that comes with the scandals…with the doubts…” His lips pressed together, “I understand why you want to end things with me. I know we can’t keep going on like this forever…even if we want to. But…” His heart immediately sunk when he saw Wonho’s face melt into that emotional and heartbreaking way it usually did before he cried. Hoseok buried his face in his hand and turned away from him—his back trembling,

“Let me be mature, maknae-ah…” he whimpered, “Let me let you go…without crying…without getting mad…without pressuring you to give me reasons…” On instinct, Changkyun stepped forward; he reached out but held back when Wonho let out a low, choked sob that broke his heart. He suddenly regretted saying things he didn’t want to say—things that didn’t matter. Hoseok was the love of his life—he was the only one that could make him happy. Yet, he was forcing him out of his heart—cutting him out—to prevent any more heartache for what he thought was both of their sakes. Did he have any right to comfort him anymore? 

“I know…you love me…” Wonho wiped his glossy cheeks and sniffed, “But maybe it’s not enough. I…I want you to have an honest relationship…and I want to see your mom smiling at your wedding…” Changkyun felt tears fall from his eyes without warning. The reality of the situation slowly sunk in. He was really losing him. Hoseok was letting go of his hand and he was allowing it. How the hell did he let this happen?

“Hey, are you guys coming?” He immediately looked up at the sudden utterance of Kihyun’s voice. The main vocal was standing halfway through the door of the studio; he looked at them curiously before taking notice of their watery eyes.

“Ah, yeah…” Wonho mumbled, “Sorry. We’ll come out in a bit.”

“Um…right…I’ll let the others know…” Kihyun’s eyebrows narrowed in concern, “Are you two ok?” Changkyun coughed awkwardly before grabbing his bag and towel from the bench. His hyung walked up to Kihyun and patted him on the shoulder,

“We’re fine…” he said, “Can you give us a minute?”

“Yeah…sure…” Kihyun looked from Changkyun and then back to Wonho before hesitantly leaving again. A part of Changkyun wished he didn’t go; he didn’t want to be left alone with Wonho and realize what’d just happened; he didn’t want to believe it. His heart was pounding loudly, and his hands were trembling with fear. When Wonho came over to him, his voice was gone.

His hyung sat down on the bench and wiped his eyes without looking up at him, “So, uh…I guess this is it…” Changkyun licked his suddenly dry lips. He didn’t want to cry anymore but more so he didn’t want to see Hoseok cry anymore. A piece of him was being torn away…he didn’t understand why it hurt so much. Wonho cleared his throat when Changkyun didn’t say anything; his voice was nasally like he had a cold, “I’m sorry it didn’t work out, Changkyun…I…I really thought--”

“Don’t apologize…” he finally choked out, “Don’t…” His hand found its way to Wonho’s shoulder. He nodded and patted his hyung repeatedly—fighting back the tears—until he finally pulled away and left the practice room after Kihyun. 

 

He visited his family home a few days later; all the members were desperate to see their families after the world tour. As soon as Starship gave them the ok, they all immediately went their separate ways. Changkyun was more than happy for a vacation—even if it was brief; he needed time away from work—from the fresh wounds of his failed relationship with Hoseok. It hurt to sleep at night knowing Wonho was only a room away and suffering because of him; it hurt more when he noticed small instances where his hyung had to be pulled back into the present moment by the other members because he was thinking about other things. Changkyun couldn’t witness such torture anymore. His hands were ridden with guilt.

He was chopping up garlic while his mother marinated some pork on the stove behind him. She was humming an older song that he couldn’t remember the title of. The familiar smell of his home brought comfort to his soul. He felt relaxed here and separated from the world that he’d explored in the past couple weeks.

“So, what’s going on with you?” his mom suddenly asked. She rubbed his back briefly before placing a few bowls in the sink, “You just came back from an exciting world tour but you’re quieter than ever. Aren’t you going to tell me about your experience?” Changkyun smiled,

“Maybe later…” he said, “Right now, I just want to cook with you in silence.” She seemed to notice his fatigue and the impact of the tour in his expression. 

“Ah…” her hands rubbed his arms in comfort before she pulled him close, “You’ve worked hard, dear…your dad and I are so proud of you…”

“Thanks, Mom…” She kissed his head briefly,

“Ok, let’s not talk anymore then. If you want silence, you’re gonna get it.” He laughed softly in gratitude before continuing to cut the garlic—all the while attempting to hold back the surge of unapologetic sentiments. 

The heartening and calming silence continued until they finished cooking and began their dinner. It was only him and his mother, but he preferred less voices—less clutter—anyway. 

“Thank you for the meal,” Changkyun said before he began to dig in. As always, his mother’s bulgogi was better than any other. His taste buds immediately watered the second he took a bite.

“I’m so glad you came home,” his mom said after a while, “Even though I saw you in Buenos Aires, I missed you a lot.”

“I missed you, too,” he smiled, showing his dimples. But the sudden reminder of what happened in Buenos Aires left a bitter, unsettling feeling in his stomach. He couldn’t shake the sound of Wonho’s voice when he’d told Changkyun about the conversation he had with his mom. It was so broken…so afraid and it made his heart ache.

“I’m thinking of starting a garden in the backyard…” his mom suddenly said.

“Oh, really?”

“Yeah…maybe grow some cucumbers, squash, and peppers…and even some flowers…” 

“Sounds nice,” Changkyun said, appreciating his mother’s attempt to avoid asking him about the group, the tour, or anything related to work. He ate a few more pieces with some rice before taking a sip of water. For some reason, with every bite he took, the pork only began to taste more and more unpleasant. No matter how hard he tried to push down those ill and melancholy feelings, they continued to rise up inside him. He was brought back to reality when his mom’s hand cupped over his own,

“Changkyun…are you ok?” she asked.

“Uh…yeah,” he blinked numerous times before nodding with a half-hearted smile. She let out a disappointed sigh and caressed his cheek.

“Eat quickly so you can rest ok, honey?” His lips tightened together with guilt. Sorry, Mom…sorry for making you worry about me. He willingly followed her orders and returned to his meal even though his appetite already abandoned him. 

 

Blurred faces of Monbebe; a stage made of sensitive glass; fluorescent, blinding lights. Sweat slid down Changkyun’s face. He couldn’t breathe. His neck felt tight—constricted. He should’ve been dancing but he remained still. The five other members were doing the choreography as practiced—not taking notice of his immobility. They moved slowly while his own time was playing like normal. Changkyun’s eyes scanned the audience but it was too dim, and his vision was too fuzzy to make out the faces of their fans. When he looked to the side, he realized the place where Wonho usually stood was empty. A sharp ring suddenly resonated in his ear until it was drowned out by the sound of his pounding, panicking heart. Why didn’t the other members notice? Why did they act like everything was normal? Changkyun frantically glanced around him in search of his missing hyung. He jumped down from the stage and slowly moved through the crowd of Monbebe; they eventually broke apart and formed him a clean path. At the end of this path was a familiar, muscular back. He began to walk towards him. But every time he got close enough to grab him, he was pushed further back. Eventually, he found himself running. But no matter how fast he ran, he could not reach him. He ended up tripping and falling onto the floor—injuring his knees and elbows. The figure he’d been chasing stopped after his collapse. The room darkened; Monbebe and the stage behind him disappeared. All that remained was himself and the back of his hyung. Changkyun lifted himself up in hopes that he could say sorry on time. But no sound left his lips—the apology stuck in the tightness of his stomach. He felt a coward and an idiot at the realization that his inability to catch this person was his own fault.

 

Changkyun forced his eyes open to escape the sudden ache growing inside him. After letting the dream sink in, he sat up and wiped his damp forehead. At first, he expected to be in the dorms but soon realized he’d awoken in the guest room of his family home. His phone coincidentally read “3:01” and it unintentionally deepened the pain. Changkyun wanted to laugh. He rubbed his chest briefly before getting up and heading towards the bathroom. These sorts of dreams weren’t uncommon. He’d had several before—about Wonho and about the hole in his heart he used to occupy. But his consciousness of how often he’d had these dreams was absent when he was actually in them and it felt like he was breaking up with his hyung all over again. Changkyun stood before the bathroom sink—still squinting from the bright light. For a moment, he didn’t recognize the guy in the mirror. He looked drained; his brown hair faded and messy, dark bags circling underneath his eyes. A condition that someone only months away from a comeback shouldn’t have been in. He rubbed his face tiredly before washing it of all the sweat and heated worry.

After realizing he couldn’t go back to sleep, he went to the kitchen for a snack. Unfortunately, he caused a ruckus while heating up some ramen and caused his mom to wake up.

“Dear, what are you doing?” she asked with a yawn. Changkyun was startled at her sudden appearance; he nearly spilt the hot water.

“I just…had a bad dream…” he explained, “And I couldn’t go back to sleep,” His mom’s eyes softened before she walked over and took the pitcher from his hands.

“Let me make you something instead of that instant stuff.”

“No, it’s fine, Mom…really. You should just go back to bed,” he touched her shoulder gently, “I’m sorry for waking you.”

“Changkyun…” once again, her warm hand was on his cheek. She looked into his eyes like she usually did during such situations, “What happened?” He didn’t know why; it must’ve been the sensitivity of the night. But when his mom asked him this, it was all he could do not to cry. He tore away his gaze, his hand covering his face in shame.

“Changkyun? Honey, what’s wrong?” her hands were on his shoulders—making him feel even smaller. He wanted so badly to cry but he held back in hopes of keeping his mom from worrying about him anymore than she already was. This wasn’t what he wanted—to bring home those feelings he thought he’d left behind—to inconvenience his mom with the mistakes he made and the pain he’d caused. But it was too much for him to carry alone. He couldn’t bear the loneliness anymore.

“I…” his voice trembled, “I know you want me to be happy…” She blinked in confusion at his sudden utterance—his sudden courage to tell her what was on his mind,

“Well, of course I do…” she said, “That’s what every mother wants…”

“I was happy…more than I’ve ever been…” he found his eyes on nothing in particular—thinking of Hoseok’s tired eyes gazing at him with such love after they’d spent the night together. Before his mom could ask him to explain, he took hold of her wrists, mouth tight. He didn’t know why he’d been so afraid before—so full of doubt and so set on the fact that things could not be changed.

“You wanted to know what’s going on with me…” he said. She nodded. “Then…I’ll tell you the truth…”

“That’s all I ask, son…”

He let out a small breath before finally looking her in the eye, “I…I’m in love with Hoseok.” Not a sound emerged after that; the house was still. Changkyun watched her eyes slowly enlarge as the comprehension sunk in. It wasn’t his intention to shock or upset her. Just that he’d been keeping this a secret for so long—from the managers, his family, even the other members. His heart felt light to finally be telling someone the truth. 

After a moment, she stepped away from him—her eyebrows furrowed in confusion.

“Hoseok…” her voice shook, “Wonho…from the group…” He nodded. Her hand found its way to the counter and she used it to steady herself. From the stunned and confused expression that continued to linger on her face, he could tell this was the last thing she expected to hear. “Changkyun…I…I mean…”

“I know…” 

“Are you…” she glanced at him anxiously, “Do you like men…?”

“I don’t know, Mom. I just know I like him…” His response made her smile—though it was a small one. She seemed to regain strength in her stance.

“Well, I…I guess I understand why. Hoseok…he’s…he’s a good person. He has a good heart…” her hand fell on her own chest, “Sorry, honey, I just…I never thought…” her voice trailed off before she nervously looked at him, “Are you…um…together?” Changkyun felt his stomach turn; his eyebrows furrowed,

“Not…anymore.” As though she finally understood the truth behind why his behavior was so odd, her face became more compassionate than shocked.

“Why not?” 

“It’s…complicated,” he said, doing his best to keep his relationship problems in the dark—just like the rest of his relationship with Wonho. He was surprised when her eyes unexpectedly enlarged with realization and worry; she grabbed his forearm, 

“I spoke to him…in Buenos Aires…I told him I wanted you to marry a girl when the two of you were together. And I brought Cara to meet you, I…this is my fault, isn’t it?”

“No, Mom,” he laid his hand atop hers, “It’s mine.”

“What are you talking about? He must’ve…” she shook her head with what looked like guilt, “He must’ve been in so much pain, I…Changkyun, I didn’t mean to…I just…why didn’t you tell me?”

“Because I…I messed up…” he covered his trembling mouth with his hand, “I got scared…”

“Scared? Because of what happened with your last girlfriend?”

“It’s…not just that,” his neck became blistering and prickly; he felt a sour sting in his eyes, “The person I became when we were together…I was possessive and selfish. I only saw him…and nothing else mattered. I got jealous so easily…even towards our fans. He didn’t deserve to be with someone like that…”

“Changkyun…”

“He made me happy but…I couldn’t do the same…”

“I’m sure you gave him meaningful memories,” she smiled, “I know you. When you love something…you do it a hundred percent. Just like when you fell in love with music…you didn’t hold back, and you did all you could to make it a part of your life. So, of course, when it’s someone you love as much as you love him…you cannot help yourself.” Her hand was gently caressing his, “Love is a strange thing, hon…and it can turn us into different people…but that doesn’t mean you have to be afraid of it…I’m sure he’s scared, too. And I’m sure he of all people understands why you ran the other way…” When Changkyun blinked, he felt drops of liquid clinging onto his eyelashes. He wiped them quickly before his mom could see. 

“I miss him,” he managed to choke out. He was grateful when she hugged him because he could no longer hold himself up on his own. She hushed him gently, grooming his tousled hair,

“Shh…it’s ok …you didn’t do anything wrong…” Though her words were sweet and soothing, he knew they weren’t true. He hadn’t believed in his mom—that she would understand or accept him; he hadn’t believed in him and Wonho—in their relationship and how strong it was. He desired a future with Hoseok, but he didn’t truly believe it was possible. That was why it hurt so badly when Wonho told him he wished to see his mom smiling at his wedding—because it seemed like the most realistic and honest outcome of their situation. 

“Mom, I…I’m sorry,” he sniffed after pulling away, “I didn’t want to worry you with these things.” She wiped his cheek,

“This is the first time you talked to me about any of your relationships, Changkyun. Don’t apologize…I’m honestly so glad.” 

“But…I failed at it…”

“You cannot fail such things…” she patted his shoulder, “Do you still love him?” Of course, he did. Even if he was the one that ended things, he still loved his hyung as much as he did the first time that he realized he cared about him more than a friend. And, after experiencing what their relationship could be like, he loved him even more.

Changkyun nodded, embarrassed and unable to verbally answer. His mom went to the counter and took the top off the ramen cup that he’d forgotten, 

“Do you still want to be with him?” she asked. At this, he was confused and, once again, struck with that familiar fear and uncertainty. He crossed his arms nervously and let out a low cough,

“I do…” he admitted with a dry throat, “But only when I become someone he deserves…”

“Ah, where is your confidence, my son?” she sighed and stirred the ramen with the chopsticks. “Hoseok is a good man…and he is very special. But all seven of you are. So, I don’t know anyone else who is worthier than you.”

“Mom…”

“You are my precious, dear boy…kind and talented and so caring…” she handed him the cup and touched his arm, “Do not sell yourself short. Now eat this and get some sleep, ok?” His lips tightened together with guilt as his mom kissed the top of his head and left him to eat his soggy ramen. 

Somberly, he sat down at the table and blew on the noodles before shoveling them into his mouth. He couldn’t fight the remorse that branded itself inside his aching chest. His confidence had slipped ever since he saw Cara—saw the standards he used to have for his future. In that moment, he no longer felt like his current self—someone that had grown much more than he gave himself credit for. He’d forgotten how much progress he’d made with his hyung—how much they’d gone through to be together; and how they finally began to share their hearts beyond that of just shallow friends. My hyung…what have I done to us? Changkyun wanted to see him now more than ever—even if they were broken up. And even if Wonho couldn’t forgive him. The empty hole in his chest seemed to become wider and wider the longer he was apart from him. He may have become someone he didn’t know because of his love for Hoseok, but he could still grow from this person—beyond this person—into someone that overcame the fear and the doubt and believed in the impossible.

 

Changkyun placed his cheek against his fist as a cool breeze drifted through the opened window of the car. In a blur, other cars whizzed by on the busy highway and he found himself becoming lost in the rhythmic chaos of the scene. He heard a quiet humming of music coming from Minhyuk’s headphones—who was sleeping heavily on his left. Since they refused an extended vacation time before the next comeback, Starship was allowing them to take a small vacation to the beach. At first, Changkyun and the other members weren’t particularly on board with their offer since the comeback was only a few weeks away. But eventually, they welcomed it whole-heartedly—especially after experiencing intense dance practice day after day. With how hard he was working and how much time was spent with the other members doing what they loved the most, Changkyun began to feel like himself again. The insecurity began to subside the more he danced, the more he rapped, the more he thought about Monbebe and how much they were anticipating their return. As for his relationship with Wonho, things were quiet. He was accepting of their friendship but that didn’t mean he was satisfied. He’d experienced it like this before. The goal was to be friends again even though both knew it was no longer possible—not after everything that happened between them. If he were to be honest, he didn’t know if he could forgive himself for breaking his hyung’s heart; he didn’t know how and when he could apologize. And the possibility of getting back together was quite low. It wasn’t going to be easy to overcome the unfulfillment of having a limit to his relationship with Wonho again. But if his hyung was willing to do it, he’d try his best. As opposed to before, both their mindsets were different—more realistic and set on the future. This time, it was a mutual separation and a permanent one. Changkyun had to learn to accept it. 

After they placed their belongings in the small cabin they were going to be staying in for the next couple days, they walked to the beach together. The breeze was calmer than usual, and the bright sun felt nice on him. Changkyun rolled up the sleeves of his t-shirt—exposing his shoulders.

“Let’s get some ice-cream,” Minhyuk suggested, his arm around Jooheon. 

“Are you gonna buy it for us, hyung?” Changkyun joked, causing Minhyuk’s mouth to remain closed for the rest of the walk. There were families and couples on the sandy beach—some swimming and some basking in the sun. As soon as the seven of them reached the sand, Minhyuk and Jooheon began to tug off their shoes and socks.

“What are you guys doing?” Wonho asked, half-laughing.

“We wanna step in the water,” Minhyuk explained; he nearly fell over from yanking off his sock and had to grab onto his hyung to prevent himself from a face plop into the ground. 

“What if it’s cold?”

“How can it be cold? The sun’s been warming it all day!” Changkyun held back a laugh as the two of them ran towards the shoreline—wobbly and unsteady because of the uneven texture of the sand. However, they stopped when they were actually close enough and were suddenly cautious before making an attempt to step into the water. He could see Jooheon slowly going in first and then running away when a wave nearly crashed on top of him

“How is it!?” Kihyun called out, his hands cupped around his mouth.

“It’s ok!” Jooheon yelled back, his feet settling into the wet sand.

“What!?”

“It’s not too cold!” 

“Ok!” Kihyun gave him a thumbs-up, “Ah, I kind of want to go in, too,” he muttered to himself but loud enough for Shownu to hear. The leader held out his hands,

“Go ahead,” he said, “We’ll find a place to put our things.” 

“Really? Ok,” Kihyun handed Shownu his camera bag and backpack, “Thanks.” Changkyun cleared his throat nervously, noticing the small smile Kihyun gave Shownu before running off after the other two. He quickly turned his attention to Hyungwon,

“What are you gonna do, hyung?” he asked.

“I want to nap on the sand,” Hyungwon replied, “Maybe read a little bit.”

“That sounds nice,” Changkyun said, considering joining him. He wanted to relax his body as well and allow the sun to cook him alive. But he also wanted to get something to eat. He was the only one that didn’t eat any breakfast before they left.

They found a nice place where the sun hit them less harshly; Changkyun laid down his beach towel and sat down, his stomach growling in the process. He hoped the other three didn’t notice; the last thing he wanted was to worry them when they were vacationing. When he looked around, he was relieved to see Shownu busy placing down their things and Hyungwon already stretching out on his towel. He slightly jolted when something nudged against his arm. He found Wonho holding out a box full of kimbap.

“I packed some more food if you’re hungry,” his hyung said.

“Ah…” Changkyun slowly took it from his hands, still stunned, “Thanks…” He quickly turned back around to face the shoreline. A few seagulls flew overhead and disappeared in the distance. Changkyun unwrapped the chopsticks and began to eat. He sighed at the heavenly taste and sensation of much desired food in his mouth. Once again, his hyung seemed to have saved him. After swallowing, he went for another. His hyung laid down on his stomach and tucked his chin over his hands. Changkyun noticed how his eyes immediately began to flutter—unable to resist his own exhaustion—as though he were lacking sleep since their comeback preparations began. 

“Do you want some, hyung?” Changkyun asked, chewing the second kimbap in his cheek. He expected Wonho to shake his head but instead his hyung opened his mouth—his eyes already halfway closed. Quickly, Changkyun grabbed the largest kimbap with the chopsticks and held it out to Wonho. Hoseok struggled to eat it in one bite and Changkyun was relieved to see a smile on his face.

“Why’d you give me the biggest one in the box?” his hyung laughed when he finally had time to chew, blocking his mouth with a shy hand. Of course, because I am still trying to spoil you even when we’re no longer together. Changkyun could only smile—watching his hyung triumphantly finishing up the kimbap. He was about to offer him a second one but Wonho was already sinking into deep sleep. Almost instantly, his head slid from the top of his hands and fell onto his towel.

“Hyung?” Changkyun murmured on instinct. He wasn’t surprised when Wonho didn’t reply. He must’ve been pushing himself the past couple days. A soft, warm breeze passed by—gently pushing Wonho’s long bangs over his eyes. Without thinking, Changkyun reached out and brushed them back. His hand stopped on Wonho’s forehead; his fingers briefly kissed his earlobe.

“Is he asleep?” Shownu asked, laying down his towel. Changkyun nodded, nonchalantly pulling back his hand. He cleared his throat nervously before going in for a third kimbap. 

“He must’ve been tired,” he said.

“He’s been like this since before we debuted,” the leader said. Changkyun’s eyebrows lifted, his mouth full,

“What do you mean?”

“Sneaking off at night to work on songs instead of sleeping, not taking breaks when he needed them the most…he works himself until he ends up completely exhausting himself out of nowhere,” Shownu patted down the towel atop the sand until it lay flat, “We all work hard…but Hoseok…Hoseok just doesn’t understand his body’s limits. Or he refuses to.” Changkyun glanced down at his sleeping hyung; his long lashes were so dark and pretty when his eyes were closed. His heart suddenly hurt.

“Why are you telling me this, Shownu-hyung?” he asked.

“Because it’s not your fault,” Hyunwoo plopped his butt down on the towel and brushed sand off the front of his pants, “Whatever happened between the two of you…it’s not your fault. How he chose to deal with it—not sleeping like an idiot and ignoring his health—it’s…it’s who he is. So, don’t blame yourself.”

“But, I…I’m somewhat responsible, aren’t I?”

“Relationships are a team effort,” Shownu said, crossing his arms over his knees. He looked out at the ocean, “I know it’s hard…the fear of commitment…the doubt…and sometimes you’re so scared of losing him that you say things you regret. I’ve been there, Changkyun…”

“Shownu-hyung…”

“Both of you just have to realize it’s ok to feel these things…” the leader played with the sand at his feet, “And that fighting passed them together is what’ll make your relationship stronger.” Changkyun nervously moved the remaining kimbap around in the container.

“We’re both so stupid though…” he said quietly, “It’s so hard for us to say what we feel—what we think. We end up hurting each other because we’re both so stubborn…waiting for the other one to show their heart first…”

“You should give yourselves more credit,” Shownu said, “The two of you have been showing your hearts openly for over two years now…why do you think the rest of the group noticed so quickly?”

“Hyung’s right,” Hyungwon’s low voice suddenly responded from behind them, “We’ve witnessed your flirting long before you started dating.”

“I thought you were sleeping,” Shownu said.

“Right. Don’t mind me,” Hyungwon turned on his side as though nothing happened. Changkyun laughed to himself,

“I used to think the two of us were so different…” he squeezed the kimbap between the chopsticks, “We come from different places…different lives…I went to a fancy school to learn music; he taught himself. He speaks and acts with his heart…I think before I do anything. He talks a lot without holding back…and I observe and listen. Sometimes he acts like a little kid...and I have to be the mature maknae. I try to stop myself whenever I want to cry…and he…he…doesn’t…” his voice faded when his eyes fell on his hyung’s unsuspecting sleeping face basking in the bright sun. So soft…so beautiful…so peaceful…in that moment, Hoseok looked like he was some sort of mythical creature that Changkyun could never understand. However, as a few clouds moved over the sun and shaded his familiar profile, he saw his hyung again. Something inside Changkyun loosened suddenly and he could finally breathe—he could see through the fog. He felt light—different—but oddly familiar. They were opposite beings indeed but certainly sides that were part of the same coin. They both wanted to have the other depend on him and also desperately needed to lean on the other. And both of them, though smart and insightful—overthought everything and made things more difficult than they were due to their own inner battles that they refused to let anyone partake in. Hoseok was the white to his black, the birth to his death, the alpha to his omega, the yin to his yang, the fire to his water, the good to the bad parts of his life; he was his other half—his completion—and Changkyun could not live without him. Even if they were no longer involved romantically…as long as Hoseok was by his side…it didn’t matter if it was as his hyung or his member or his friend. They both knew they loved and cared for each other; and that was enough for Changkyun. He could continue being part of the group and being there for Wonho when he needed him. Because if he learned anything from their time together, it was that they could be much more than they’d been prior. Hoseok became someone Changkyun could finally open up to—someone that made him happy and made him smile just from being in the same room or even just from being in his thoughts; and he, in return, became someone his hyung could cry on and someone that saw him for the beautiful soul beyond the persona that was Wonho. He cherished this. He suddenly felt grateful for being alive…for Wonho’s acceptance…and for his love. 

“Changkyun?” Shownu’s voice cut through his thoughts. “It looks like you just realized something.”

“Ah, yeah…I did…” he finally put the kimbap in his mouth and chewed. Once again, Changkyun glanced out at the clear water and in the corner of his eye, he saw the leader of Monsta X nod proudly at him. 

 

When they returned to the cabin, Changkyun was the first and only one to announce he was going to sleep. Rather than resting like he’d hoped, he’d spent the rest of the time at the beach stepping around on the uneven sand and trying to build a sandcastle. Jooheon and Minhyuk eventually joined him and they ended up taking the project to the next level. Unfortunately, a wave crash on top of it before it could be complete. Now his body was exhausted due to the dramatic crouching over and squeezing of mud between his hands. The other members wanted to play more games and hang out, but both his heart and body were not in the mood. He felt he needed time alone in a quiet place to clear his mind and let the realization of his recent epiphany sink in. 

Changkyun brushed his teeth and washed his face before heading to the small room where he, Jooheon, and Wonho were supposed to be sleeping for the night. After returning his toiletries to his bag, he snuggled into the sleeping bag closest to the wall. However, as time ticked on, he only continued to toss and turn. The moon was too bright and—since the window had no curtains—was practically shining in his face. He pulled the covers over his head to block it out, but it became hot and stuffy rather quickly. After turning on his side, he managed to close his eyes—letting out a small breath before allowing his body to relax. However, soon a mosquito was buzzing in his ear and that’s when he finally gave in and got up from his temporary bed. 

He could hear the others loudly playing card games in the other room as he reached the front door and pulled on his shoes. The night air felt nice and refreshing. Because the moon was full and bright, he didn’t need much light to guide him. Alone, he walked down to the beach in the midst of the lovely, star-filled night. What better way to clear his head than alongside the calm crashing of waves on the beach. He found peace as he stared out at the empty water—dark from the reflection of the black sky. The thick but inconsistent sloshing placed his heart at ease. Hands in his pockets, he walked just close enough for the waves to kiss the sides of his shoes. Occasionally, the water came too close and he had to step a few paces back to avoid getting soaked, laughing to himself in the process.

He stopped walking when he found a pearl-like shell half-way buried in the sand—white enough to stand out and catch his eye. He bent down, dug it out, and brushed it off. The smooth, soft texture and round shape of it reminded him of his hyung’s bicep. It was when he slid it into the front pocket of his sweatpants that he found two kappa-branded sneakers standing in front of him. He quickly looked up, his heart pounding.

“Are you starting a shell collection?” his hyung asked. 

“Ah…” Changkyun laughed nervously before standing up, brushing sand from his knee. “What are you doing here? I thought you were hanging out with the others.”

“Jogging,” Wonho replied, adjusting his cap; a drop of sweat slid down his cheek, “You?”

“I couldn’t sleep.” His heart fluttered when their eyes met. He wanted to look away but couldn’t find the strength to resist Wonho’s familiar, lustrous gaze glistening in the moonlight. Before he knew it, their unplanned, shared, quiet moment extended into minutes. The longer it went on, the more he realized how much he missed him. The last time they were alone together, there was so much melancholy, fear and sorrow in the air; they were truly at a great distance from each other. And now he was standing only a few steps away from him and drinking in as much of Hoseok as he could.

“You wanna walk with me?” his hyung said softly, his gentle voice only adding more warmth and melody to the silence. Changkyun gave him a small smile,

“Yeah.” He allowed Wonho to take a few steps in the direction he’d just come from before walking by his side. His hyung aired out his shirt before taking off his hat and running his fingers through his wet hair. Changkyun felt attacked. He did his best to keep his eyes in front of him.

“So, how was going home?” Wonho asked, shaking out his bangs.

“Ah…” he coughed once, “It was nice. I mostly spent time with Mom…”

“Me, too…” his hyung smiled. “There’s something about the food mom makes…just seems to make me forget all my problems.” 

“Mm…” Changkyun nodded. He was surprised his hyung was so willing to open up to him even after their fight and depressing break up. But he admitted he, too, felt comfortable standing so close to him again; his heart felt unguarded and safe. As a wave nearly crashed on his feet, he jumped back and grabbed the sleeve of Wonho’s sweater in the process.

“Oh, careful,” his hyung said in his low, resounding voice. A light laugh followed, and it made his stomach flutter with ecstasy.

“Sorry,” Changkyun murmured nervously, leaving his hyung’s sleeve wrinkled. He patted it down briefly before shoving his hands back in his pockets, “Can I tell you something?”

“What is it?” His eyes scanned the sand and broken shells on the ground,

“I missed you, hyung.” Another crisp, loud wave crashed onto the shore as their atmosphere became quiet again. He heard Hoseok laugh shyly,

“I don’t know how I’m supposed to respond to that…” 

“You don’t have to respond…I just wanted to tell you…” he rubbed his thumb against the shell in his pocket, “Why are you out jogging so late anyway?”

“Why not?” Wonho shrugged, “The members are great but with how much we’ve been practicing and spending time together, it’s been hard to find time alone. Besides…the water is pretty, isn’t it?”

“Yeah…”

“The moon,” his hyung nudged his chin forward, directing Changkyun to the bright moon reflected on the moving waves, “It’s Monbebe…”

“Right…”

“And the sky,” When Wonho glanced up, his Adam’s apple was exposed. “I like the color…” he murmured, “It’s like a painting.” Changkyun had to look for a long time before he noticed the dark purple and blue hues speckled with tiny, glowing stars. Of course, only his hyung would be able to make him see such fine, subtle detail and beauty.

His hyung’s shoulder barely brushed against his own, “Changkyun-ah is like the night sky…” he said innocently. Changkyun smiled,

“Why is that?”

“It’s mysterious…” Wonho placed the cap over his damp hair once more, “It’s endless…kind of intimidating…and…I can’t stop staring at it. Ah…I’m talking about the sky of course…” The maknae hid his smile as they continued to walk.

“The final recording of ‘From Zero’ was really good,” he brought up as soon as it got quiet again. “I listened to it over twenty times already.”

“Ah…that’s cool,” his hyung wiped his nose, “All the members did a great job. Shownu’s voice was really handsome and sexy. It matched the tone well.” Changkyun did his best to nod in agreement without letting that initial spark of jealousy bother him. Though short, his rap for “From Zero” had been one of the most difficult pieces he’d ever done. He didn’t know how to contribute to what he felt was already a perfect song. Not to mention, his relationship with Wonho was so shaky and confusing lately; being in the recording room and having his hyung evaluate and give feedback to his work was a bit awkward and intimidating in itself. He’d done his best to write lyrics where it wasn’t too obvious that they were inspired by his hyung; but his efforts deemed useless because all the members knew exactly who he dedicated them to—even Wonho. They all knew what happened between the maknae and his hyung—just like they all knew how awkward and in love they were before they even started going out. It was embarrassing as hell, but he did not regret it; he wrote and rapped with his heart and his heart was full of Hoseok.

“Did you eat with the others before you left?” Wonho asked him as they neared the end of the beach.

“No, I was planning to sleep…”

“Oh, yeah…” Hoseok rubbed the back of his neck, “Do you wanna get some ramen or something? I saw a restaurant nearby when we arrived.” Changkyun couldn’t help but smile at his shy nature, showing his dimples.

“Sure, hyung…” he said.

 

The ramen restaurant was small and modern. Since it was late, the restaurant part of it was rather empty; however, the bar section was quite full. After scooping some of the boiling ramen into his bowl, Changkyun ate quietly, trying not to disturb the soothing, familiar atmosphere between them.

“How is it?” his hyung asked, blowing onto the noodles hanging from his chopsticks, “Good?” Changkyun nodded. He shoveled in some of the beef and eggs before taking another huge bite of the noodles. It was a shame he was finally officially eating ramen at a restaurant with his hyung like he always wished…and they were freshly broken up. However, he couldn’t help but be happy. His stomach was full, his taste buds were fizzing, and Wonho looked beyond pleased to be eating one of his favorite foods. He could watch Wonho eat ramen for the rest of his life. 

Unfortunately, the spiciness of the ramen caused him to drink too much water and he had to excuse himself to the toilet. When he left the bathroom, one of the patrons from the bar crashed into him—soaking his t-shirt with a good amount of cheongju. The guy looked around Shownu’s age but, of course, not nearly as mature.

“Hey, watch where you’re going, shithead,” he growled at Changkyun, clearly livid that his drink was no more. Changkyun was completely caught off guard; he couldn’t react,

“Ah, sorry--” his apology was interrupted when the random drunk grabbed the front of his shirt.

“The fuck did you say?” He came so close, Changkyun could smell the alcohol. Ah, this is just what I needed, he thought. Changkyun held his hands up—not wanting to escalate the situation,

“Calm down, guy,” he said, “It was an accident.”

“Hah? What’s with that attitude? You look pretty young but you’re talking to me so casually? Cheeky brat…” The next thing Changkyun felt was a sharp pain in his back as the guy slammed him against the wall. He leaned in towards Changkyun with a blurred gaze and slurred speech, “Shouldn’t you call me hyung?” The stranger’s clenched fist lifted for only a moment before Changkyun witnessed him suddenly yanked from his face. He saw Wonho shove the guy back so hard he almost fell on the floor.

“Get out of here,” Hoseok snarled, his eyes piercing into the man’s soul, “Now.” The drunk sloppily tried to find his footing before he realized how strong and threatening the person who had pushed him was; then, Changkyun saw the vivid fear in his eyes. He tripped over his own feet when he stumbled away and out the front door of the restaurant. 

“What the hell was his problem? Damn drunk,” Wonho shook his head before turning to him, “You ok?”

“Ah…yeah…” Changkyun pulled the wet fabric from his skin, “Just a little confused…and surprised.”

“What a fucking idiot…” his hyung clicked his tongue with exasperation. Changkyun couldn’t help but feel grateful for his interference but now he was also a bit intimidated. Wonho rarely, if not never, used his muscles for violence.

“Hyung…” he laid his hand against Wonho’s shoulder—which felt tenser than ever, “Thanks for that…” Hoseok’s lips tightened together before he nodded,

“Yeah, of course,” his eyes fell on Changkyun again, “You sure you’re good?”

“Mmhmm...” he smiled. 

“Come here,” Wonho took his wrist and pulled him back into the bathroom. Changkyun felt his heart come up and stop in his throat when his hyung pulled the navy-blue sweater over his head. He held it out to him,

“Put this on…” he said. 

“Hyung, really--”

“Changkyun-ah…” Wonho’s voice trembled softly, “Please…” Changkyun gulped down the flustered lump in his throat before taking it from Wonho’s hands.

“Thanks…” he coughed nervously. His eyes locked with Hoseok’s for a brief moment before he tugged off his soaked t-shirt and replaced it with Wonho’s sweater.

“I’m sorry this happened,” his hyung said, his eyebrows scrunched together. Changkyun gently patted his hand against Wonho’s chest. He tried to smile to reassure him,

“Should we go back to our meal?” 

“I don’t really have an appetite anymore…”

“Come on…because of one drunk?” His hyung smiled with only his lips—hinting to Changkyun that the recent incident bothered him more than he’d let on. He took Changkyun’s hand off of him,

“I don’t want anything bad to happen to you…” he finally said.

“Yeah…” Changkyun’s lips tightened together, touched by his hyung’s protective nature of him, “I get it.” The way Wonho looked at him then devastated Changkyun in a way he never thought possible. He couldn’t help but wonder what his hyung was thinking, what he was feeling and what he wanted to say to him. When they broke up, Changkyun was set on breaking his heart and he did not have enough confidence to comfort him when he cried. His hyung must’ve witnessed his most anticipated pain at the most unexpected moment that now, when he stood before the maknae, he could no longer face him without opening those wounds again. More than anything, Changkyun wanted to ask for his hyung’s forgiveness and for a chance to heal the scars he’d inflicted, but the two of them only continued to give each other friendly smiles and warm, comforting pats on the back like they did two years ago before they made their way back to their table.

 

He walked beside Wonho, his hands in his pockets. His damp shirt was halfway tucked in the band of his sweatpants. They were supposed to be on their way back to the cabin but ended up walking to one of the small docks of the beach. A dim, flickering lamppost was lighting their path until they reached the end and Changkyun leaned over, his arms crossed atop the rail. He could see the dark waves sloshing against the wooden poles below him.

“Why did we come here?” he asked, his eyes on the small scratches of the wood. Hoseok let out a soft sigh and in the corner of his eye, Changkyun could see him sit down on the bench.

“Because…we both knew we needed to talk it out, Changkyunnie.”

“Ah…I guess you’re right,” he laughed. When he turned around, he didn’t see a trace of a smile on Wonho’s face and he quickly swallowed the rest of his light-hearted mood. Hoseok brushed his bangs back from his eyes,

“This isn’t the first time we broke up but…but I’m glad…this time, we’re going about it realistically,” he said, his voice calm and steady, “I know it was hard for both of us but…I think it was the right thing to do.” Changkyun stepped forward; he paused when he saw Wonho’s nervous hands intertwine, “So…I just want to say…” his fingers tightened together, “I know you’re probably feeling bad about it…but don’t…I don’t need you to apologize or look at me like that.”

“Then what do you need, hyung?” he asked, trying to keep his voice calm, “Tell me…so I can make it just a little better.”

“Hmm…” Hoseok smiled; but his gaze was distant. He glanced at Changkyun with honest eyes, “I just need us to be there for each other…” Ah…this guy…He couldn’t say he was surprised; Wonho thought about things thoroughly and realistically. He never asked for too much and he never took on something he knew he couldn’t handle. Changkyun always respected and appreciated that part of him.

He sat down on the bench, “Then I’ll be there for you, Hoseok…” 

“Cool…” Wonho pursed his lips before reaching out and rubbing Changkyun’s back with a shy hand, “Don’t regret what you did. We’re both adults…and we both know it needed to happen eventually.” Don’t say that…don’t try to justify what I did…don’t make me feel better when I should feel like shit. Don’t…touch me—comfort me—with your gentle hand.

“Hyung, I…” he cleared his throat and let out a small cough, “When I went home last week, I had some time to think...I kept replaying what we said to each other over and over in my head…I couldn’t…forgive myself for hurting you and somehow…I thought I didn’t deserve you—that I wasn’t enough to make you happy.” Wonho kept his eyes down but the triggered twitch of his hand indicated he heard him. Changkyun shuffled his feet against the withering wood of the dock, “But it was just an excuse for my fear…and the strong feelings I had for you that were constantly slipping out of my control…so, I…I am sorry for that…for not being honest with you…and for giving you bullshit reasons for doing what I did…” He glanced up and met his hyung’s glossy, confused gaze, “Please…at least let me feel bad about that…” Wonho still looked caught off guard but he seemed to understand; he nodded,

“Ok…”

“Thanks…” he crossed his arms apprehensively, “I’m sorry you saw that side of me. I’ll continue to grow…and become someone more mature.”

“I know you will, maknae,” Hoseok smiled, “Even if that scares me a little.”

“Why does that scare you?”

“I just don’t want you to leave me behind.” Changkyun instinctively patted his hand against Wonho’s knee. He quickly kept his eyes down in an attempt to keep their contact platonic,

“I told you…I’ll be there…” he said, his voice quiet, “There’s no more chasing, hyung…I want us to run together.” Hand still on Wonho’s knee, he gave in and looked over at him. Immediately, those eyes pulled him in and not even the loud sloshing of thick waves against the dock could tear him away. Hoseok licked his pink lips and even though Changkyun knew it was by habit and not intention, he felt seduced. His hyung gave him an attempt at a friendly smile,

“Me, too…” he murmured softly. Without thinking, Changkyun leaned into him, his hand sliding up his warm thigh. His mouth was only a few breaths away from Wonho’s before his hyung frantically pulled himself away, standing up in the process. Changkyun immediately felt regret as an uncomfortable silence engulfed them yet again. That friendly, understanding atmosphere they’d created to keep themselves from getting hurt had shattered due to his lack of control. Wonho stared at him—victim to his betrayal. He traced over his lips with his fingers,

“What are you doing?” his voice shook. Changkyun had no response waiting in his throat. He had no idea what he was doing. When he stood up, Hoseok stepped back—more cautious than ever and only confirming that he, too, was having difficulties with self-control. Changkyun respected his attempt to remain composed in such a situation. Wonho was doing much better than he was that’s for sure.

“I’m…” he looked down before meeting his hyung’s vigilant expression, “I’m sorry…that I love you…and I can’t…”

“You know I love you too, Changkyun…” Hoseok said, his eyes blinking back what looked like tears. When he spoke again, his voice was on the verge of crumbling, “But we can’t give into it so easily…we have…the rest of our lives to keep up this act.” His words broke Changkyun and he realized then he had nothing else to lose. Without giving Wonho time to react, he ran up to him and grabbed his face between his hands,

“Changkyun--” his hyung’s eyes were wide. He gripped onto the sweater he’d loaned him, “Don’t.” 

“What is the point of living this life if I can’t have you?” Changkyun said. His thumbs softly pressed against Wonho’s cheek bones and pushed outward; he felt him slightly tremble. He leaned in closer—his lips barely touching his hyung’s, “If you don’t want this…I’ll stop. But if you’re holding back just like me…and if it hurts just as much…then let me fix it…”

“Changkyunnie…” Wonho repeated, only to have his sentence interrupted with a soft moan as Changkyun kissed his throat. His hyung’s skin felt and tasted just like he remembered. And once he had a bite, he wanted to eat the entire thing. But he held back his seduction, clearly noticing how confused and afraid Hoseok was. He understood that too well. He, too, was confused and torn; which was the right decision? Which was the mature one? Should he be thinking with his heart or his head (though both screamed Hoseok)? He didn’t know what to think—only what to feel. And what he felt was this drastic need to kiss Wonho until he melted in his arms.

“I asked you what you needed…” he leaned his forehead against his; his fingers gripped onto his large shoulders, “But what do you want?” He saw the grief tightened in the corners of Wonho’s mouth. His hyung’s hold on his sweater tightened.

“Of course, I want you…” he choked out, “I’ve always wanted you…” Hyung…Changkyun grabbed him quickly—pushing their mouths together. He was surprised that Hoseok kissed him back; in fact, his hyung was hungry and eager. He quickly wrapped his arms around Changkyun and pulled him closer and further into his heat until Changkyun felt he could no longer breathe. Like always, his mouth was intoxicating and sweet and now it was smothering him. But Changkyun couldn’t judge his desperation for he also felt helpless without Wonho’s heart near his own. He’d longed to be close to him again, taste his lips, feel his firm body pressing against his. The pain inside his chest had turned into a physical ache that constantly needed to touch Hoseok to be healed.

When they both could no longer control their passion, Changkyun—with his head still slightly on—quickly pulled Wonho into a hug, his breathing heavy. Wonho’s broad shoulders sunk underneath his arms. He felt his hyung’s arms slowly embrace around his waist. Changkyun closed his eyes, taking in the hard pounding of Hoseok’s heart pulsing against his chest and making him question who’s beats belonged to whom. He buried his face into Wonho’s neck,

“What do we do, hyung?” he asked. He felt Wonho briefly kiss the top of his head,

“I don’t know, maknae…”

“I…told my mom…”

“Huh?” Changkyun pulled away from Wonho’s chest and straightened himself; his hands slid down his shoulders,

“I told her about you…about us…”

“You…” Hoseok’s eyes enlarged at the realization, “You did?” Changkyun nodded, his gaze on the ground,

“I meant it when I said I wanted to be with you…”

“Changkyun…” He caressed Wonho’s face,

“She’s gonna smile at my wedding, hyung…she always was.” His hyung was quiet for a moment; Changkyun watched as his eyes gradually became redder and foggier. Wonho forced out a laugh before his face scrunched together; he bit his bottom lip,

“You really want to do this?” he asked, “It’s not gonna be easy…this is the long run we’re talking about—our future. We don’t…we don’t know what we’ll run into from here on.”

“I know…” he gave Wonho a smile, “But it’s never been easy…trying to debut, trying to be number one for Monbebe…we’ve always struggled and fought for what we wanted—that fact won’t change whether we’re together or not. The future will come…we’ll have more problems…and probably a lot more fights…but…but as long as you’re mine…” He closed his eyes as Wonho softly caressed his neck. The sensation was enough to keep him warm and safe for days.

“Alright…” his hyung whispered, “I’m yours…”

“Really?”

“Yeah.”

“For the long run?”

“For the long run…I’ll stay with you, Changkyunnie…”

“And…you forgive me?”

“Do you forgive me?” 

“For forcing us to split the bill for our ramen? Never.” Wonho laughed,

“I knew you’d be mad about that.” Changkyun smile and enveloped his hand in his. He gently rubbed the outside of it before brushing his lips against his knuckles. 

“I love you, Hoseok…” he murmured. “Thank you…for giving me another chance.” His hyung smiled warmly before kissing his forehead,

“That’s my line, maknae.”


	9. WonHoseok

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hello, my dear readers! Sweetramenwonho here! Just letting you know that this is the second to last chapter of Depend on Me Like Ramen! But don't worry! As you know, this piece is based on real time so there will definitely be a sequel. Thanks so so much for supporting this fic, Wonkyun, and Monsta X! Your kudos and comments have really helped me continue to write! It really means a lot to me if this story put a smile on your face (or made your heart hurt hehe) I have plenty of more Wonkyun ideas so please anticipate and check them out when they're released! Just like Monsta X promises to take over kpop, I promise to flood the Wonkyun tag with my nonsense hehe. Last chapter of Depend on Me Like Ramen will be coming soon~! Thanks again! Wonkyun Fighting!

Wonho aimed his fingers at Changkyun’s head as the final line of “Dramarama” echoed across the practice room. After three seconds, he allowed his arm to drop—breathing heavily with a good amount of sweat dripping down his face. He wiped his nose with the sleeve of his t-shirt as the other members collapsed on the floor.

“What time is it?” Minhyuk cried out. Hyungwon went to his bag and pulled out his phone,

“5:21,” he said glumly. Wonho would’ve laughed had his lungs not already collapsed inside his chest. They’d been practicing since eight. It was amazing how nine hours could go by so quickly. But at this point, all of them were used to it. “Dramarama” promotions were only a few weeks away. And despite feeling tired and physically drained, they were working much harder than usual to prepare. Wonho was glad they were giving their all for Monbebe, but even he could admit they needed to rest soon. It wasn’t too long ago that he’d gotten sick at the end of their world tour and it was only until he finally caught up on sleep and was tended to by his mom did he fully recover. It’d been difficult to pretend he had good health in front of Monbebe, but he pulled it off. If it happened again, he didn’t know if he could put on another convincing façade. 

“Ok, let’s head home,” Shownu said, “Get some sleep before we come back tomorrow.” Changkyun gave him a weak thumbs-up and Wonho fought the urge to ruffle his hair. Even in such a moment where he wanted to fall over and pass out, he found Changkyun adorable. Wonho tugged on his jacket, pulled his bag over his shoulder, and took a long chug from his water bottle before gathering with the others. His legs were jelly by the time they got home. He was hungry, sweaty, and tired like he usually was after dance practice. And since he took showers the longest, he normally sacrificed himself as the last one to use the bathroom. As the others fought over the two baths, he rummaged through the kitchen for something to fill his empty stomach. Fortunately, he found a mango in the fridge. He sat down at the dinner table and began peeling off its skin before nibbling on the sweet bits inside. Almost immediately, his mouth watered in reaction to the sugary yet tangy taste. He took a bigger bite causing his stomach to sing in harmony. That was when the maknae showed up; his manner was calm and casual. He placed his hands on the chair and slightly leaned over,

“Hey,” he said, and their eyes met, “You wanna shower with me?” With the mango still in his mouth, Wonho could only stare at him wide-eyed. Huh? Wait. What did he just say? He began to blink rapidly as he searched for words. What was Changkyun thinking propositioning such a thing out of nowhere? It was true they were officially back together but the maknae was being much bolder than usual. Wonho quickly found himself becoming dizzy at the thought of being intimate with Changkyun again. It’d been weeks since they’d last held each other. And most of those weeks he’d spent in melancholy from the broken pieces of their breakup. Already, his cheeks began to flush with heat. He quickly reigned in his silly thoughts in hopes of saving his pride. Perhaps it wasn’t that sort of invitation at all. Perhaps he was getting ahead of himself. He gulped down the mango,

“Uh, no, I…I’ll wait. Thanks.”

“K,” Changkyun said quickly—unaffected and unreadable—before leaving him to his fruit. Wonho wanted to hit himself after he left; a shower could’ve been the most innocent thing and would’ve got him sleeping sooner, yet his mind went there because it was Changkyun that had asked him. He should’ve just accepted his offer. Of course, he wanted to spend as much time as possible with the maknae—especially because of the overwhelming amount of comeback preparations and how rarely they were left alone after they finally made-up and started going out again. But alas, his nerves and his own head were keeping him at bay. He admitted he was cautious about opening his heart and body to Changkyun again in fear that the maknae would change his mind. It wasn’t easy to hear those words come out of his mouth—that he wanted to end things permanently. He had to act mature and collected but in truth, the breakup was hard on Hoseok. And he knew the maknae also felt the same way. The wounds were still fresh, and he’d need some time before he could feel the way he used to. He wasn’t accustomed to love and to second chances. When an ex left him in the past, he got over it quickly and they never came back to him—never wanted to try again. He couldn’t say he was surprised. He was a pain in the ass back then and even more of a handful as a boyfriend. But with Changkyun, he was grateful for their resolve. He’d thought they were done for—especially because of how he acted so childishly and selfishly when they fought and how real it felt to see Changkyun with another person. But their honesty and trust in each other brought out a second chance and he was glad. He only hoped the maknae was sure about his decision. 

 

For two days straight, they practiced—the same practice room, the same dance, the same song. On the third day, the manager finally gave them a break. By then, Wonho found himself starving for Changkyun. He was exhausted from working so hard but more so, he wanted and needed to spend time with his other half. It’d been a difficult ride from the start of promotions to now with their unexpected breakup only making it worse; and Wonho was struggling with this desire to feel close to him again. 

He found Changkyun in his room casually chatting away with Hyungwon and since they stopped talking the moment he showed up, Wonho couldn’t catch what their conversation was about. 

“Hey, hyung,” Hyungwon waved at him. Hoseok nodded before his eyes fell on the maknae. Changkyun gazed at him curiously,

“What’s up?”

“Um…are you busy?” he asked, leaning against the doorframe. 

“Not really.”

“You wanna hang out?” Changkyun licked his lips before smiling at him,

“Ok.”

“You don’t mind, do you?” Wonho asked Hyungwon. Chae Hyungwon stared at him with a tired, unamused gaze,

“As long as you don’t give me the details later.” Changkyun hit him on the arm before guiding Wonho out of the room. His hand was on the small of Wonho’s back,

“So where are we going?” he asked shyly. Wonho held back a smile at the feeling of his familiar warm touch,

“My studio,” he replied.

He’d laid a blanket on the floor of his small studio and set the lunch boxes he made, fruit, store-bought kimbap, and drinks atop it. K.will’s “You call it romance” was playing quietly on his computer when they came in. The maknae was frozen at the door when he saw the picnic-like display, his eyes wide. Wonho laughed,

“Is it too much?” he asked, “I didn’t want to risk it by having a date in public so…”

“Ah,” Changkyun half smiled and half nodded as though he understood, “It’s…um…it’s fine.” Wonho knew the maknae was uncomfortable and even thrown off sometimes when it came to his corny nature, but he could also sense he somewhat enjoyed it and that was enough. 

“Are you hungry?” he asked nervously. Changkyun nodded in response before looking around him,

“Can I sit?”

“Why are you being so polite all of a sudden?” he held back a chuckle, “Yeah, of course you can sit. I did this for you.” He could’ve sworn he saw the maknae’s cheeks flush red before he made himself comfortable on the fluffy blanket. Wonho slightly turned down the volume of the music before taking a seat across from him. He took the two lunch boxes in his hands,

“Do you want the pork or the chicken?”

“Um…chicken.” Wonho handed it to him and smiled,

“So, what were you and Hyungwon talking about?” The maknae paused for a moment before taking the top off the lunch box.

“Nothing, really…” he gave Hoseok a small glance, “This looks really good, hyung.”

“Thanks.” Wonho uncovered his lunch as well and picked up the chopsticks he stole from the dorm kitchen. He saw Changkyun wait politely until he took the first bite before digging in himself. For a while, they ate quietly under the soft and mellow sound of K.will-hyung’s song. Once in a while he’d meet the maknae’s eyes and feel his skin grow hot before they both pulled away and concentrated on their meals again. Changkyun cleared his throat,

“Did you make the kimchi?” he asked.

“Ah, no…my mom gave me some when I went home,” he threw some seaweed into his mouth and followed with some rice, “I made the eggs and Kihyun helped me cook the meat.” 

“Oh,” Changkyun smiled with his cheek full. He looked so cute when he chewed, Wonho wanted to hug him. They both awkwardly reached for the kimbap at the same time.

“Sorry,” he said, pulling his chopsticks back.

“No, go ahead, hyung.”

“Ah, really, I don’t mind…” He looked to Changkyun briefly before grabbing the kimbap with his chopsticks and holding it towards him, “Here…” He smiled when the maknae ate it enthusiastically. The atmosphere between them was familiarly awkward but surprisingly pleasant and held a tint of both nostalgia and innocence. It reminded him of a first date between high school students. But he was just grateful for the chance to be alone with Changkyun again.

“You want a drink?” he grabbed the coke and pulled out one of the cans. Their fingers briefly touched when Changkyun took it from his hand,

“Thanks, hyung.” The song on his laptop changed as Wonho opened his coke and took a sip. The room was comfortable underneath the gentle melody of Boyfriend’s “Star.”

“We were talking about you,” Changkyun suddenly said, causing his ears to perk up. He glanced at him,

“Huh?”

“Me and Hyungwon,” the maknae explained, nervously moving the can to his other hand, “We were talking about you earlier…”

“Oh…really?” He wasn’t surprised when Changkyun cleared his throat, his manner suddenly more anxious than before.

“I was…actually asking him for advice.”

“Advice? For what?”

“I…” his lips tightened together, his eyebrows furrowed, “I know I messed up…and gave into the pressure when I broke up with you.”

“Maknae-ah--”

“I just--I need you to feel safe around me again,” Finally, he brought their eyes to meet permanently, “I want you to have confidence in me…and in my promise to you…” Of course, only Changkyun was capable of saying the only things he wanted to hear. Hoseok, felt his neck becoming hot and flushed; he was beyond thankful for the maknae’s honesty. How could he have doubted his love and commitment? If it were any other person, he would’ve easily locked up his heart and never opened it again. But he didn’t realize Changkyun was already given the key long ago. 

“I…I’m not really used to this,” he admitted.

“I know…” Changkyun placed his unopened can on the ground, “I asked Hyungwon what I could do…he just told me to say it all aloud.”

“Ah…that guy is too smart sometimes,” he picked up his lunch again and ate some kimchi, “Thanks, though…I’m not gonna lie, I’ll need time to get over what happened but…I do believe in you, Changkyunnie. And I…believe in us.”

Changkyun smiled, “Good.” Wonho couldn’t help but realize he’d dropped the formal way of speaking as he usually did once he warmed up to the situation. It was unbelievably cute and gave him hope that they could succeed in moving past the petty things they used to worry about. He finished his lunch box and threw it in his tiny trash can,

“I got some plums from the market, too,” he pulled open the plastic bag but froze when he felt Changkyun’s hand on his wrist—the other already caressing his face. Before he knew it, the maknae was pulling him in. Their lips met eagerly. Wonho dropped whatever was in his hands; he allowed Changkyun to lean over him. Still sitting on the ground, his back hit the couch. He moaned softly underneath the weight of his familiar mouth. The maknae’s hands slid down his hot neck. They heatedly trailed down his chest. He slowly pushed his fingers through Changkyun’s hair, gripping onto whatever he could.

“Let’s…let’s finish eating first,” he whispered breathlessly as the maknae burned his lips into his neck; his mouth cupped around his sensitive skin from the bottom of his ear down to the start of his collarbone. Wonho held back another sound; Changkyun’s hands were on his thighs.

“I wanna eat you, hyung,” he said quickly. Wonho heard his heart knocking against the insides of his chest. He sucked in his breath as the maknae’s hands slid up his shirt. His careful fingers danced along his stomach, tracing the indents of his hard muscles. Changkyun covered his mouth with his own once again, this time without being as polite. Hoseok’s head was spinning and he couldn’t think about anything else as his tongue slipped in between his lips.

“Changkyun-ah…” he whimpered. Since the maknae was holding his mouth hostage with his own, he could no longer resist the sounds that were escaping his throat. Changkyun’s palms pressed against his bare chest, still vulgarly hidden underneath the bothersome folds and wrinkles of his shirt.

“Can I take it off?” the maknae asked, surprisingly using formal speech again. Wonho wanted to laugh; he nodded and let out a mix between a moan and an approval. He helped Changkyun with his shirt as well before they moved to the actual couch. Changkyun sat on the cushion and gulped nervously when Hoseok approached him,

“So beautiful,” he murmured, quietly enough that Wonho almost missed it. He climbed atop the maknae’s lap and lifted his face caressed in between his hands. Their eyes met and Hoseok felt that usual strange magnetism combined with the unfulfilled sexual tension they had between them from day one. He kissed him pleasantly, his manner slowly turning more passionate and even more intensely than earlier. Changkyun braced underneath him; his hands were on his hyung’s waist.

“Mm…” Hoseok trembled delicately as the maknae’s fingers slid along his torso and pressed atop his right pectoral muscle; his middle finger gently pushed against his nipple—back and forth, up and down. At first, it felt ticklish and slightly irritating but soon it felt pleasurable. A light tingle danced down Wonho’s spine. Observing his hyung’s reaction, Changkyun softly kissed the same sensitive area, carefully holding his nipple between his lips before gliding his tongue over and under it until Wonho finally melted underneath his seduction. 

“Stop it already,” he gritted through his teeth. However, his body seemed to disagree with his words; it continued to allow Changkyun to kiss it numerously. His hands caressed Changkyun’s head as it rapidly moved along his bare chest, his stomach, heated neck—his merciless lips kissing and sucking him every inch of him. 

“Hoseok…” the maknae’s voice was low and there was a faint growl in his throat when he spoke. Wonho felt drowsy as though he’d just been smothered; and his vision was blurry, his cheeks flushed. His head didn’t feel connected to his body,

“Hmm?” He felt Changkyun’s nose slightly push against the area beneath his belly button,

“You make cute noises when I kiss you here,” Changkyun murmured, his breath tickling Wonho.

“Is…that why you left a mark last time?”

“Must be…” Wonho slightly jolted as the maknae softly bit him in that same spot.

“Hey…” he purred, half angry and half aroused. He held back his strength as Changkyun grabbed him by the waist and pushed him down, his back nestling into the couch. The maknae landed kisses along the line that ran between his abs and slowly made his way up. A vulnerable, distorted sigh left Wonho’s lips. Desire and hunger was an uncomfortable fist in his stomach. He dug his fingers into Changkyun’s hair, causing the maknae’s eyes to flicker up at him.

“You don’t like me teasing you, hyung?” he asked calmly.

“We tease at fan-signs,” he licked his lips, “This is torture.” Changkyun laughed softly. His hand ran down the side of Wonho’s leg, slid inward and up towards his more heated inner thigh,

“I like you, Hoseok,” he murmured suddenly, “I think…I want to marry you.”

“What?” Wonho’s voice was caught in his throat when Changkyun came forward and leaned into his ear,

“Not…now, of course…but later,” he explained. The possessive growl from earlier was gone, and he sounded like the polite, cute maknae again, “I know you don’t want that for yourself but…just keep an open mind…for me…” Hoseok, found his hand entangled in Changkyun’s. He bit his bottom lip,

“I will…” He watched apprehensively as Changkyun unbuttoned his jeans and slowly pulled them off his legs.

“How far do you want to go?” the maknae asked coolly, suddenly mature again. A gulp went down Hoseok’s throat. Changkyun casually tossed his ripped jeans on the ground—despite knowing how expensive Wonho’s clothes were. Hands cupping the soft undersides of Wonho’s legs, he politely and carefully spread them—Wonho half-partaking in the act—and came forth. A subtle whimper barely escaped Hoseok’s lips when the maknae’s familiar palms slid down his hamstring muscles. Changkyun climbed atop him once more, his eyes never leaving his hyung’s. He gently pressed his groin into Wonho’s and stopped his hips in that position as though to tease him once more. Wonho lost a breath for a moment at the feeling of Changkyun’s rough jeans scratching against the thin fabric of his briefs. His face inches from the maknae’s, he ran his fingers down Changkyun’s soft lips, 

“All the way, Changkyunnie…” he whispered. The maknae smiled and kissed him briefly,

“I can feel it, hyung,” his voice was low and seductive, “It’s pushing against mine.”

“Ah, I really don’t need the commentary,” Wonho rolled his eyes. When he looked at Changkyun again, he was suddenly lost in his infatuated expression. Like always, the maknae was staring at him as though he was the only person that mattered in this world. And every time he gave him that look, Wonho wanted to escape—afraid of how much Changkyun loved him. But this time, he looked back at the maknae hoping that he would also see how much he meant to him.

“I love you,” he said softly. Changkyun smiled,

“You always say that when we’re like this…”

“I can’t help it…it’s the only thing that’s short enough…and means enough…to tell you how I feel.” 

“It’s ok…” the maknae nuzzled his face into Wonho’s neck causing him to shudder, “I know words are usually your best friend. But here…you don’t have to say much…to make me understand. I can tell from the heat of your body…and the sounds you make…where you touch me…” Hoseok felt safe underneath his subtle weight; he pressed his hands against Changkyun’s hot chest. Already, the familiar beating and honesty of his big heart made him happy. Those rapid beats were for him; Changkyun’s shallow breaths and flushed cheeks—his impolite hands that contrasted his polite speech—were for him only. Wonho bit his lip nervously before sliding his hands to his back and pulling him closer. He kissed the top of Changkyun’s head,

“It’s been a while so…go slowly, ok?” The maknae nodded respectfully before taking his hand in his and obliging his wish.

 

He woke up to Changkyun repeatedly slapping his butt. He tiredly reached behind him to stop his insolent hand, but regardless of his efforts, it just continued to slap his poor butt cheek.

“Hyung,” the maknae cooed, “Hyung, wake up.” Wonho rubbed his eyelids before opening one eye. He was greeted by the harsh bright light of his studio,

“What…?” he groaned.

“Kihyunnie-hyung just called me,” Changkyun’s breath was tickling his neck, “They’re having dinner right now…” Wonho blinked in astonishment,

“Dinner?” He slowly sat up on the couch, rubbing the back of his head, “How long was I asleep?”

“A couple hours.”

“Oh…” The maknae’s eyes went to his lips; his expression was somber,

“So, I guess we should start heading back.” The thought of going back to the dorms to eat, sleep, and then wake up the next day just to return to work left a queasy feeling in his stomach. Not to his surprise, he already missed Changkyun. They hadn’t spent enough time together since their breakup. He hadn’t kissed and hugged him enough—hadn’t held his hand. He still needed to see more of Changkyun’s smile—the awkward, shy one he only showed his hyung. When would be the next time they’d be alone together? The next break? When the manager felt like it? When exactly would that be? After promotions began? Or when they ended?

His hand found its way to Changkyun’s thigh, “Let’s sleep here tonight…” he selfishly said. The maknae stared at him for a moment, stunned.

“Really?”

“Yeah…” Wonho patted him gently before standing from the couch and adjusting the band of his jeans around his waist, “We still have some kimbap and fruit. That can be our dinner. If that’s ok with you.” Changkyun laughed softly,

“If it means I can spend the night with you, it is.” The maknae’s hands were on his waist again; he kissed the back of Wonho’s neck, “Thanks by the way…the picnic was nice.” Hoseok trembled pleasantly as Changkyun’s fingers gently slid down his spine—his touch already bending him to his will like many times before. To prevent giving into the pleasure too quickly, he turned around and caressed Changkyun’s face,

“Your touchy hands need to start calling me hyung,” he murmured, “They’re rude as hell.” The maknae smiled mischievously,

“They just miss you.” Wonho jolted as Changkyun made a playful grab for his crotch. He snatched his wrist quickly,

“Haven’t had enough?”

“No…” the maknae’s eyes went to him, “Not nearly enough.”

“Don’t be greedy, Changkyunnie…” he purred, making sure his touch on Changkyun’s skin lingered for only a moment longer before letting him go. 

“Ah, hyung is such a tease,” Changkyun whined before plopping himself back on the couch. Wonho laughed; he picked up the maknae’s shirt and chucked it at him.

“Let’s at least pretend we have some control and get our clothes back on before a round two,” he said in his hyung voice. The maknae sat forward on the couch, elbows casually rested on his knees,

“So, you’re holding back too, huh?” Wonho paused. He turned to Changkyun,

“Of course, I am…ever since I realized I loved you.” He went back to their abandoned articles of clothing before he could catch the maknae’s reaction—which he knew would only make his heart hurt and feel even more. The white shirt he’d been wearing earlier was wrinkled. He shook it off and made a scowl, “This cost me 47,000 won…treat my clothes better, maknae-ah.” Suddenly, Changkyun was behind him again; his sinful mouth barely scraped against the top of his naked spine,

“Sorry, Wonho-hyung,” he hummed, “I’ll make sure to carefully fold them before making love to you again.” Hoseok felt a pleasurable vibration dance down his back. Though they were just flirting and joking around, he nearly allowed Changkyun to hold him a second time but the maknae was already at the door.

“Where are you going?” he asked frantically turning around. Changkyun’s eyebrows rose,

“Bathroom.”

“O-oh…ok.” When the door closed, he let out a defeated sigh and pulled his shirt back on. The need to be near Changkyun was becoming a bigger manipulator of his heart—more than he realized. He couldn’t believe how much he wanted to touch him despite already spending a majority of the day in his arms. But he feared time pulling them apart again. He did not want to wait for moments that he could not determine. For one night, even if it was short and even if it risked management finding out, he just wanted to be alone with Changkyun. He wanted to make love to him many times more and to talk to him until he fell asleep in his arms. Too much time was already wasted—fighting, being apart, acting their parts of being in a platonic relationship. These moments alone with him did not require holding back. In fact, he wanted to do anything but.

 

“This one’s new,” Changkyun said, an ear bud in one ear. Wonho had the other pushed into his own. He nodded,

“I composed it a few weeks ago.” On instinct, he clicked the bass option on one of the audio files and pushed up the equalizer and volume of the second base line, “I’m still working on it though.”

“I can see that,” the maknae chuckled, “Got ideas for the lyrics yet?”

“I’ve got the concept—no lyrics yet though.” He took his hand off the mouse and allowed the music to play, “It’s gonna be about having a relationship that everyone else looks down on.”

“Hmm…a sad song,” the maknae said, “With the fast, electronic beats, it could be really good. The contrast of a happy beat but sad concept is always nice…I’m sure with your lyrics it’ll be perfect.”

“Thanks…” Wonho met his eyes before returning to the screen—the familiar melody still playing in his ear, “I don’t know if I’ll have time to finish it though.” 

“Yeah, I get that,” Changkyun crossed his arms on the desk and laid his head atop, “Preparations have been pretty intense lately. We barely have any free time…it’s gonna be even crazier when promotions actually start.”

“Mm…” he nodded in agreement before rubbing Changkyun’s back to comfort him, “Hang in there.” The maknae tilted his head, his eyes innocently glancing up at his hyung,

“Are you sleeping well?” he asked. Wonho took out the earbud as the song ended,

“Better than before,” he replied. “Why?”

“Just want to make sure you’re getting enough rest…the way you are—especially before comebacks…I don’t want you getting sick or anything.”

“I’m sure I’ll be fine. Everyone has the same rough schedule, I’m no exception.”

The maknae looked unconvinced and even more worried, “Right…” Hoseok patted his back briefly. 

“Don’t worry about me.” He pulled the bag of plums from the floor and handed one to Changkyun.

“Ah, it’s sour,” the maknae’s face scrunched up after taking a bite. Wonho laughed at his expression. He bit into his fruit and held it out to him,

“Here, this one’s sweet.” The maknae selfishly took a huge chunk of the plum, juice dripping down his chin. “So messy,” Wonho-hyung clicked his tongue. He handed Changkyun a napkin, half laughing from his cute, full cheeks before wiping his own hand of the stickiness. 

“So, you um…you wanna watch some Bleach?” he asked, finishing off his fruit and tossing the seed in the trash, “I downloaded some new episodes last night.” 

“Uh, yeah, ok,” Changkyun smiled. Hoseok helped him turn the couch to face his computer screen. Now it was barring the door as though to block anyone else from entering his studio—their world. He tossed the blanket from their indoor picnic on there to make it comfier—as well as a few oversized stuffed rabbits from Monbebe. 

“It really feels like a high school date now,” he muttered, slightly turning the new big screen of his computer. He heard the maknae laugh from the couch,

“I suppose we give off that vibe…” 

“Yeah, Jooheon told me our love is similar to the stuff in our songs—like the kind of romance you’d see in dramas.”

“What?” Changkyun was clearly amused by this, “That guy…”

“Do you agree with him?” Wonho nudged his chin, “Can you get the lights?” The maknae reached behind him and flicked the switch down.

“I suppose he’s right…” he answered slowly, settling back into the couch, “With what we’ve been through—the hesitation and the break ups…and how long it took for us to realize each other’s feelings…it really did feel like a drama…” Hoseok laughed softly,

“I don’t know if that’s a good or bad thing, maknae.” He clicked play and joined Changkyun on the cushions, wrapping his arms around one of the stuffed bunnies while Changkyun wrapped his arm around him. After feeling his familiar warmth, he automatically snuggled his face into Changkyun’s chest as though melting into his fitted puzzle piece. 

For a long while, he couldn’t pay attention to the anime. Changkyun occasionally asked him questions about characters and plot points but he couldn’t even answer them properly. He was too fixated on the maknae. With only the light from the screen, he found himself guiltily staring. Time and time again, his eyes traced over Changkyun’s lips, his nose, his eyes. Multiple shapes of light projected across the maknae’s canvas in soft, uneven colors. He looked like a painting. 

Hoseok leaned into his neck and let out a satisfied sigh. His hand crawled and felt its way to Changkyun’s. When he found it, he immediately slipped his fingers between his. From now on, this was the only way he wanted to watch anything—burrowed against Changkyun, holding his hand, not paying the slightest bit of attention to anything on the screen. It was clear Changkyun’s warmth was becoming a necessity to him. He may have been able to escape before when they were still friends but now, he was too deep in the waters and could not swim back to shore. Im Changkyun had drowned him—entering him and flooding his lungs—before he could even realize it. 

Soon he found himself unable to resist anymore. He kissed the soft area beneath Changkyun’s ear, causing the maknae’s body to stiffen. Though it clearly got his attention, Changkyun’s eyes were still on the screen as though nothing happened. Hoseok kissed the same place again. Still no response. The third time, he nuzzled in and softly bit him. That was when the maknae finally turned towards him, his annoyed expression telling him to stop. Wonho only smiled at his usual irritation. Then his eyes slightly lowered, falling on Changkyun’s soft, desirable lips. The maknae seemed to notice where the trail of his gaze ended. His eyes, too, shifted into a familiar, hypnotizing trance both understood. Wonho felt the maknae’s hand already touching his face, the other still intertwined in his own. Changkyun leaned in until their foreheads bumped,

“I don’t want to keep you up, hyung,” he sighed, sensing what Wonho wanted from him, “You need to rest properly before tomorrow.” Hoseok licked his lips and nodded,

“Ok…” He gave Changkyun a brief kiss, their lips barely meeting. But it wasn’t enough. He went in for another, this one soft and longer—enough to seduce the maknae into kissing him back.

“Hyung,” Changkyun groaned, frustrated, though his lips fell on Hoseok’s again. Wonho slipped his hand behind the maknae’s soft neck, his fingers digging into his hair. The various noises from the anime slowly became muffled and forgotten the longer their mouths collided.

“Changkyunnie,” he moaned softly, “Hold me again…?”

“Don’t be seducing me like this, Hoseok,” Changkyun’s hands were suddenly on his hard chest, pushing him away. He glanced up at Wonho, “I’m worried enough as it is about your body…”

“I told you not to,” he frowned.

“And, of course…I can’t help it…” Hoseok’s heart trembled as the maknae embraced his face. Changkyun let out an earnest sigh. His fingers naturally fiddled with and gently pulled at Wonho’s earlobe. “I want you to be in good health,” he said, his voice and eyes serious. Wonho was surprised when he suddenly stood from the couch, walked over to the screen, and closed his computer.

“It’s late,” he stated in a low voice, “We should go to bed.”

“Changkyun-ah, what’s wrong?” Wonho straightened his back, his hands holding the fluffy blanket. He tightened his grip on the soft fabric, “Did I…did I do something…?”

“No…it’s…” the maknae’s gaze was on him, “I just don’t want you to be tired tomorrow…”

“We practice for over ten hours a day, I’m always tired.” He stood up from the couch and took Changkyun’s hands, “But if you don’t want to do anything more, I understand. Come on, let’s move the couch back.” He lifted his hands and kissed his knuckles briefly before letting them go, turning back towards the sofa that was still blocking the door.

“It’s not…like I don’t want to do more with you. hyung…” Wonho’s hands were already gripping onto the piece of furniture, but he paused when Changkyun spoke. He turned around halfway to meet his confusing gaze,

“What do you mean?” The maknae ran a nervous hand through his hair,

“Earlier today…that was me holding back…” he admitted, his voice serious. Hoseok stared at him for a moment in shock before letting out a forced laugh to break the sudden awkward tension in the air, 

“What?”

“If…if we do it again, I’m not sure if I can have as much self-control.”

“Changkyun, I’m twice your size…”

“That…doesn’t matter…” he crossed his arms, “I left marks on you the other time without even realizing it—in places Monbebe could see. I’m not in control when--” 

“No one noticed,” Wonho stepped forward. His hand fell on Changkyun’s hip bone, “You’re not some kind of pervert, ok? I know you’ll never hurt me...” 

“I just…” Changkyun’s mouth tightened with apprehension, “I don’t want to push it, hyung…” After realizing how much this meant to him, Wonho smiled and kissed him on the head,

“Ok…” he murmured before pulling away, “Now will you help me with this couch?” He was relieved when Changkyun laughed, his smile half crooked, before assisting him. He knew that the maknae was having troubles coming to terms with this new person he was becoming because of their relationship. Changkyun had expressed to him how he felt he was growing more selfish and possessive—greedy even—when it came to Hoseok. He told him how easy it was to get jealous when he saw Wonho talking to someone else—even when it was another member. And he feared for the day when the intense urge to keep Wonho to himself would take over completely. Of course, Wonho didn’t see it as a problem because he knew he’d love Changkyun no matter what—jealousy and all—and he, too, underwent such a change despite his efforts to push down his feelings but to Changkyun, who was always selfless and kind and never too hot about his emotions, it was a conundrum that kept him restrained. It didn’t help either that he was still so naturally polite towards his hyung—which was constantly jeopardizing his true emotions and actions when they interacted. But Wonho knew they would simply need time to sort through those minor things and he was willing to wait for Changkyun to realize it was alright to be a human being with selfish desires—especially towards him. What mattered now was that they were finally together—even when the odds were stacked so highly against them—they were together, and he could only be grateful.

 

He laid on the blanketed floor, his arm tucked underneath the stuffed bunny that was acting as a pillow. His eyes were on Changkyun who was lying across from him.

“Don’t tell me you’re gonna be staring at me all night,” the maknae said; he was looking up at the ceiling before glancing over and meeting his hyung’s infatuated gaze. Wonho smiled,

“Just until I fall asleep…it’s been a while since we slept in the same bed after all. Well, I wouldn’t call this a bed but…you know what I mean.” His hand lay across Changkyun’s stomach and he felt the maknae sigh underneath it. It was quiet, rare moments like this—a tranquil, still time in their world—lying with this person that made the fight to be together worthwhile. He could not capture this warm feeling with any other. Hoseok scooted himself a little closer before playing with the soft fabric of the maknae’s shirt. His fingers felt along the wrinkles for a bit until they reached the opening at the bottom; he slowly slipped underneath and touched his familiar, naked flesh. Changkyun didn’t seem to mind at first as he was used to his hyung’s touch. But his hand soon caressed Wonho’s—stopping him. He looked at Wonho, cautious and apprehensive.

“Hyung…”

“It’s ok…” he murmured softly. Changkyun paused for a moment before letting go of his hand. After feeling his assurance and trust, Hoseok gently pushed his hand underneath his shirt, his fingers dancing up his sensitive stomach. His fingertips softly danced upon the texture of his familiar skin in numerous swirls and patterns. He smiled when Changkyun’s body relaxed because of his touch. As they continued to lie there in his studio—only lit dimly by the small lamp on his desk—Hoseok already began to feel sleepy; his eyes were fluttering—waiting to close. He couldn’t remember the last time he felt comfortable enough to sleep without thinking about the comeback or other work-related matters. In truth, despite what he told the maknae, sleeping was still difficult for him and he wasn’t in particularly good health when it came to his recent dieting of only chicken breast and rice at dinner time. But he didn’t want to worry Changkyun with his personal problems—especially when the moments they shared were rare enough as it is.

His hand was still buried and pressed against the warmth of Changkyun’s abs when the maknae spoke, his voice low,

“Hyung, do you think…we’ll win for Monbebe?” he asked. Wonho’s eyebrows furrowed,

“Why so suddenly?”

“I don’t know…I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately though…” Changkyun cleared his throat, “We’ve been working nonstop this year…and now we’re nearing the end—almost killing ourselves with ‘Dramarama’ preparations…I just want it be worth it…I want to give something to Monbebe—especially for you…” Wonho unintentionally pushed his hand further up Changkyun’s shirt when he moved closer to him. He snuggled his cheek into the maknae’s shoulder,

“I want to win, too,” he admitted, “But it’s ok if we don’t…” 

“Is it really?” Wonho glanced up briefly before looking back down. His fingers brushed against Changkyun’s chest and collar bone. He remembered during their final stage of “Shine Forever” promotions before they left for the world tour. Monsta X were standing in the back behind all the other artists while they congratulated the winners for the week. Even though “Shine Forever” had been a gift for Monbebe and they were not expecting anything, he felt disappointment buried deep in his heart. Their final stages were always painful and every time, he unintentionally remembered the day they disappointed Monbebe during the end of their “Rush” promotions. Changkyun must’ve noticed how he felt then because he’d grabbed Wonho’s hand when no one was looking and held it tightly enough for Wonho to forget the sad, unwanted feelings pounding away at his chest.

“Monbebe work just as hard as we do…of course…it will mean a lot,” he said, “I like to believe we’ll win for them, Changkyun-ah. But…I don’t want them to be disappointed again and…I don’t want to disappoint myself.” He felt Changkyun’s arm wrap around him, his hand on his shoulder—something he had a habit of doing despite being smaller in size compared to his hyung. Without feeling embarrassed, Wonho admitted he always loved when he did that. He could feel the maknae’s comfort from his familiar, desired body heat pressed against his own. If there was one thing he learned from being with Changkyun it was that the maknae always managed to make him feel better in the most unexpected but right way. Sometimes, he would use humble but honest words and other times he would simply pull Wonho closer—making sure the hold of his hand was gentle but certain on him. He was sure Changkyun didn’t do it intentionally, but that fact only made Hoseok love him more. As opposed to his previous relationships, the maknae seemed to care for him in a natural way—as though it were an instinct and Wonho felt the same. His feelings could not be explained nor forced to materialize because they were a part of him—perhaps since the beginning.

“We’ve been through a lot lately…” the maknae murmured suddenly, his tone becoming more serious, “And working day after day like this…makes me realize how much you mean to me, hyung…even if our feelings fade with time…or we forget…I know I can’t do it without you…” Wonho gulped nervously; he lay his palm flat against Changkyun’s tummy.

“It’s the same for me…” Was there a way he could be even closer to Changkyun than he was now? How much more could he snuggle into him? How many more words did he need to tell him only what his heart could say? Hoseok sighed pleasurably; his body felt as though it were sinking into the floor. Where was he before this moment? How had he fallen asleep before Changkyun’s chest became his pillow? What tune had he listened to before he heard the maknae’s subtle breathing? Hoseok suddenly couldn’t recall the past nor the future; only the present. And he could not see anyone else but the man that was lying in front of him. He took in a deep breath—savoring this feeling of pleasure—not knowing the next time he would experience such a thing.

 

They were only a few days from the “Dramarama” comeback and he felt like shit. Sleep was a luxury that he could no longer afford. When they were not practicing, they had photoshoots, interviews, and additional video filming. The lack of sleep and lack of eating proper meals was causing him to become testy and on edge. If someone bumped into him during practice or stood just a few inches off from the overall formation, he found himself getting angry—scolding and yelling at the others like a madman. His body didn’t feel like his own; it was heavy and always seemed to be at a temperature that made him sweat easily. His joints and muscles ached when he was dancing and even more when he wasn’t. He constantly had headaches; when the members spoke to him, he needed them to repeat themselves because it was too painful to concentrate on anything but the tempting black that was behind his eyelids. In truth, he was in no condition to be on stage, but he couldn’t let Monbebe down nor the other members—not after they’d all worked so hard for this.

He sniffled a few times as the stylist finished putting the choker around his neck. She grabbed the comb from the table and fixed his bangs.

“It’s under 40 degrees outside; are you sure you can’t give him a shirt to wear under?” Changkyun asked, his eyes on Wonho’s outfit. 

“The key point is his open chest,” she responded tiredly. The two of them already had this conversation at the KCON Australia concert when he’d last worn the same top where the zipper was practically down to his belly button. He and Changkyun were having troubles at the time but the maknae still went out of his way to speak up for him.

“Yeah, I get that; but he could get sick if we’re not careful.”

“Changkyun-shi--”

“People aren’t gonna die if they don’t see his chest.” Wonho held back a coy smile before his eyes met Changkyun’s.

“I’ll be fine,” he said softly. 

“Quiet hyung, you’re already sniffling,” Changkyun grabbed the zipper and pulled it up to his neck, “If you go out like this in November you’ll catch a cold…”

“Changkyun-shi, it’s the manager’s call,” the stylist explained. “If you have a problem, take it up with him.” The maknae looked to her briefly before glancing back at his hyung,

“Alright, I will,” he said quickly before running off to find the manager. 

“Ah…sorry about that,” Wonho sighed, “I’m sure he didn’t mean to be rude…”

“I know. He’s just looking out for you,” she shook her head. “And you’ve all worked a lot these past few weeks, so his behavior doesn’t surprise me.”

“Yeah…it’s been pretty rough,” he admitted; he pushed down his exhaustion with a laugh, “But I guess we’re used to it at this point.” 

“The comeback date is almost here, isn’t it?”

“Yup.”

“Well, just concentrate on the concert tonight, dear.” He gave her a small smile before she moved onto brushing Hyungwon’s hair. Hoseok knew she meant well but of course he could not concentrate on anything these days. He made his way to the nearest chair and buried his sweltering head in his hands until they called them for the red carpet.

As Changkyun had said, it was bitterly cold out and the breeze was not apologetic to his bare flesh. He felt the mutual exhaustion between the members as they stood before the cameras and press. He did his best to smile and show his better face despite the headache that was pressing against his skull. They were meeting Monbebe again after weeks of preparations. This wasn’t the time to let his fatigue take over. 

He was still shivering by the time they made it back to the waiting room.

“Monsta X performing in thirty minutes!” one of the staff shouted through the sudden ringing in his ear. He felt his way to the floor before sitting down, his back pressed against the wall. Around him, the staff were moving quickly, adjusting the outfits and makeup of the other members and already attaching their headsets. But he couldn’t find strength in his legs to stand up.

“Where’s Wonho-shi?” he heard one of the stylists ask among the commotion. He immediately tried to stand up, but black blotches covered his vision as though to prevent him from going on anymore. His knees suddenly fell weak underneath his own weight. The hard floor nearly greeted his body once more, but two arms slinked underneath his own and caught him before he could fall. Changkyun adjusted him into a hug,

“You’re burning up,” he said and Wonho’s heart sunk; he immediately regretted hearing the maknae’s voice in so much pain. For weeks he’d tried to hide his condition from the others—especially Changkyun—because of this exact reason. Almost instantly, he pulled away from him,

“It’s just a small fever,” he said quickly, “I’ll be ok.”

“Hyung, no…” Changkyun’s voice trembled ever so slightly; he looked moments from crying; Hoseok could see his hand twitch—wanting to grab his hyung’s but not being able to because of the time and place.

“I…I’ll be ok,” he repeated before giving Changkyun a smile. 

“Wonho-shi,” the stylist came up to him. She held out a black shirt, “Manager said you can wear this underneath the jacket.”

“Thanks,” he licked his lips and gulp down—slightly flinching from the unexpected pain in his sore throat. 

“I.M-shi, come over here so I could get your mic on,” one of the staff called out. Wonho purposely avoided his concerned gaze, knowing it would only distract him from his performance before Changkyun finally left his side.

His throat failed him on stage. It became dry quickly and burned when he sang. His body felt stiff—restrained and painful. He heard Monbebe, but they were too far away—their chants buried beneath “Shine Forever” and their shaky, exhausted voices. The only thing he could do was dance as he always had—performed as he always had—but underneath the blinding lights, in front of the large and distracting screen, with cold wind from the machines blowing in his face, his body and voice giving up on him the harder he tried, he began to doubt himself and his capabilities. No…he thought desperately, we’re finally standing in front of Monbebe again—finally on stage after working so hard—and this is the face I wear? This weak and sick performance—this dance that does not meet their expectations of me. How can I call myself an idol if I cannot give them this—if I cannot perform?

He felt Changkyun’s eyes on him after “Shine Forever” ended but he pushed a smile through; even if he felt unwell he needed to assure Monbebe that he was alright. Their cheers gave him strength as they all gathered to introduce themselves. He began to smile naturally, remembering how much being an idol meant to him and how much Monbebe loved them—even if they were not perfect all the time. When it came time for him to speak the words he memorized, he adjusted the mic against his cheek and greeted Monbebe, announcing their comeback was coming soon and wishing for them to anticipate. When they cheered and clapped for him, he smiled wider despite the fever. He definitely would not miss out on their comeback no matter the state he was in; Monbebe were waiting for them. 

When “Beautiful” ended, he quickly took his hand off Changkyun’s back and bowed before making his way off the stage. He did not want the maknae to confront him about his health. He did not want to see the devastation on his face again. Unfortunately, his rapid escape would only deem futile.

The manager was waiting for him when they returned to the waiting room, arms crossed. His eyebrows were furrowed with concern. 

“What’s up, hyung?” Wonho said, taking off his headset and useless tuner. 

“Is it true?” Manager-hyung asked, his voice low, “Are you sick?” He was surprised for a moment; he didn’t expect Changkyun to tell the manager. He must’ve been really worried—enough to risk the truth about their relationship. Wonho kept his eyes on the ground, 

“I…I’m fine…” he insisted. The manager let out a sigh,

“I’m not Changkyun. Tell me the truth…” Hoseok tightened his lips; he felt like a child,

“Hyung, I want to be there,” he said desperately, “We’ve been working so hard, I…I can’t let the others down because of a stupid thing like this. Monbebe—they’re expecting us to be together--” 

“Stop, Wonho-shi,” the manager interrupted him. He clicked his tongue, “Get changed. I’m taking you to the hospital.”

“What? No,” he shook his head quickly, “But, I’m ok…I can still perform, I…”

“Hoseok.” He paused when he heard the leader’s voice. Sure enough, Hyunwoo was standing behind him—his face creased in great concern, “Go.” He wanted to protest—to fight harder—but Shownu showed no tolerance for further argument. Head hung heavily in defeat, Hoseok walked over to the changing rooms—hoping he would not run into anyone else that he disappointed.

“It may be encephalomeningitis,” the second manager said on their drive to the hospital. Wonho had just explained his symptoms—the fever, the headaches, the fatigue, the constant aching of his body, and the newly acquired sore throat. He was the only one sitting in the backseat of the small van and the manager had told him to lie down but he refused to. He did not want to accept the reality of the situation. 

“Wonho-shi, I wish you had told us earlier,” Manager-hyung sighed from the driver’s seat, “Your health comes first above all else.”

“I know but…” he bit his bottom lip. But this had meant so much to him. He was not the only one that was tired. The other six were working just as hard. Who was he to fall short? The other manager turned to him from the passenger side,

“Don’t worry about the comeback right now, ok?” he said kindly. “Just worry about getting better.” Wonho could only smile with his lips before lying back on the seat. Oh, how such a request was easier said than done.

 

He sat on his bed for a long time. The lights were off. He was alone in silence. He’d been in the same spot since the managers dropped him off. He didn’t feel like sleeping or eating. He didn’t even bother to change out of his clothes. The reality of what was going on was still sinking in. His stubborn self continued to be in denial despite knowing he could do nothing to stop it. 

An hour or so later, the others finally returned from practice after the concert. Though tired, he got up from the bed and sluggishly made his way to the living room to greet them. Like he feared, they looked at him in a way that made his heart ache even more than his sick body was. He tried to speak but immediately felt a cough crawling up his throat.

“The manager told us,” Kihyun said first. He stepped forward and patted Wonho on the shoulder, “It’s alright, hyung. We’ll do fine without you so…just rest now.” The others nodded in agreement. 

“It’s not the first time we’ll be performing without a member,” Minhyuk tried to assure him, “It’s not the end of the world. And Monbebe will understand.”

“Right,” Wonho’s lips tightened—a poor attempt at a smile. Kihyun noticed his hesitation.

“Nothing is more important than your health,” he reminded him. Though difficult to give in, Wonho nodded—a promise to his brothers that he would not use up energy worrying about work and concentrate only on getting better. 

“Feel better soon, hyung,” Jooheon touched him on the arm briefly before they all retreated to their rooms for the night. Wonho was grateful they didn’t make a big deal about it. The last thing he wanted to do was take up their time—burden them with his careless care of himself—when they were already dealing with enough. 

Changkyun was the only one still standing by the entrance after the others left. He continued to stare at Wonho with that same pained expression that made Hoseok want to run the other direction. His head felt hot and he wanted to lie down but—wanting to prove his strength—he nervously stepped forward,

“Changkyun, I…”

“You should be in bed,” the maknae said. He wasn’t angry. His tone was simply authoritative. Hoseok looked to the ground; he laughed softly in an effort to make his feelings light-hearted—indifferent,

“I’m not completely useless. Besides, management said if I got better before the comeback day I could still join you guys.”

“Hyung…it’s three days away,” Changkyun shook his head in disbelief, “Who are you trying to fool here—me or yourself?” 

“I’m not--” Before he knew it, the maknae’s hand was gripping his bicep.

“Do you not get that you’re hurting the ones that care about you?” His eyes were so intense, it was all Wonho could do not to pull away. Changkyun bit his bottom lip, eyebrows creased in frustration, “Jesus, look after yourself a little more, Hoseok. The comeback? The group? Monbebe? Tell me, what does it all matter if you’re in pain? Do you…” his glossy eyes finally met Wonho’s, “Do you know how fucking hard it was to see you like that—to hear you sing and watch you dance in the corner of my eye—knowing you were suffering…? And yet you still insist that you’re ok; you still keep me at arm’s length—hiding the truth from me—like I don’t matter,” his hold on Wonho’s arm tightened, “Tell me your burdens, hyung…and if it’s too much, give them to me. I’ll carry them for you.”

“Changkyunnie…”

“I know I’m younger than you. But you told me once that I should come to you when I was struggling. Do the same for me…” his hand slowly slid from Wonho’s arm, “Even all the little things you don’t want to bother me with—I want you to tell me…” Hoseok was looking away in shame from the maknae’s confrontation—bangs covering his feverish forehead. He didn’t even realize he was being selfish by keeping such things to himself—especially from Changkyun. All the maknae wanted was his honesty—his true heart and he still refused to give it to him.

“I’m sorry,” he said weakly before a cough made its way up his throat. He quickly covered his mouth and turned away in hopes of keeping Changkyun from his sickness. He should have been isolated in his room to prevent the others from getting sick but the feeling of the maknae’s concerned hand on his back made him too happy. He gulped down—the sore throat causing him to flinch,

“I just…I didn’t want you or the others to worry about me…”

“I know…” He barely saw a dimple on Changkyun’s cheek, “That’s why I love you.” The words made him flush despite his cheeks already blistering from the flu. Hoseok sniffed,

“This just means so much to us…to Monbebe…”

“Monbebe will live…” the maknae sighed. “Give them more credit.”

“I…I’ll get better soon,” he promised. Changkyun half smiled, his hand slipped from his hyung’s back,

“Let me help you to your room.” He allowed Changkyun to wrap his arm around his waist; he wrapped his own arm around his much smaller shoulders; he was surprised his legs became so weak once he was leaning atop the maknae. Perhaps he was worse off than he thought. 

The two of them ran into Shownu and Hyungwon as they were coming out of the room—carrying their pillows and blankets.

“What’s going on?” Hoseok asked. 

“We’re sleeping in the living room,” Hyungwon answered. He gently hit Wonho on the shoulder, “We don’t want to disturb you while you’re resting. Besides, we could get sick too.”

“Ah…I see…”

“Don’t forget to take your medicine,” Hyunwoo nodded to him before they walked off.

“They don’t need to do that,” Hoseok muttered gloomily, “I’ll stay in the living room…”

“Hyungwon was the one that suggested it,” Changkyun said as they made their way into the room, “He knows how much you love your bed.” Wonho laughed despite his head and throat burning. Changkyun helped him onto his bed. The second his body fell on it, he wanted to close his eyes and sleep forever. 

“You didn’t change?” the maknae asked, astonished. 

“Oh, right…” He used all the strength he could muster to stand up, his hand on the maknae’s shoulder. After taking a moment to close his eyes and wait for the headache to pass, he pulled off the shirt that suddenly felt too constricting. Following were his uncomfortable jeans with sharp buttons that poked him when he laid down. He almost fell over as he tugged them off but luckily the maknae grabbed his waist on time. 

“Thanks,” he coughed out before carelessly throwing his pants atop his other pile of clothes. 

“Stay here,” Changkyun sighed. Wonho watched him get up and exit the room. He came back rather quickly holding familiar sweatpants and a loose but thick sweater.

“Ransacking my closet?” Hoseok joked. The maknae had a serious look on his face before helping his hyung dress. Wonho would have insisted he do it himself but he didn’t have to vocal strength to protest nor enough physical strength backing up the confidence to refuse his assistance. Changkyun gently pulled down his sweater and Wonho was thrown off when their eyes met after the fabric passed over his face. He gulped nervously even though he knew it would hurt his throat. He was nearly seconds from thanking him again but the maknae gently brushed the bits of hair from his eyes—forcing his voice back down his sore throat.

“The medicine?” the maknae asked. 

“In my bag,” he nudged his chin forward. The maknae went over to his leather bag sitting atop the small nightstand. He pulled out the pills and disappeared again. He came back with a glass of water.

“I’ll bring you a water bottle later,” he said, handing Wonho the pills. Hoseok nodded obediently before throwing them back and taking a sip of water. He felt the round tablets scraping against the inside of his throat. Changkyun touched his ear briefly,

“You hungry?” Wonho shook his head. The maknae smiled at him—his eyes glistening with that usual, lovesick look, “I’ll miss you…”

“Tell Monbebe not to worry about me,” he almost grabbed Changkyun’s hand but held back as he felt another cough coming up. Changkyun seemed to notice; his hand suddenly cupped around Wonho’s briefly,

“I will…” Wonho saw the pain hidden in the furrows of Changkyun’s worried face; he wanted to hug him tightly, but his body would most likely fail to deliver the proper amount of affection. 

“I’ll sleep now,” he murmured.

“Ok…”

“Good night.” Changkyun’s dimples appeared,

“Night, hyung…” Hoseok was surprised when he pressed his forehead against his. Their skin only met for a moment before the maknae pulled away, stood up, and left—closing the light behind him.

 

He did not get better the next day but much worse. Only when he really needed to—such as using the bathroom or cooling his face with water—did he leave his bed. It was frustrating and painful to lie around while the others were practicing so hard but in his condition, he would not be stepping on a stage anytime soon. He would just have to accept that he would not be there for the comeback show. It helped what Changkyun had said to him; and the fact that the members were so capable without him made his worries ease. 

He’d just woken from his second nap that day when his phone rang. He was surprised and a little happy that it was Hyungwon. Anyone else and he would’ve been too sad. Hyungwon was the only one that’d refuse to let him feel sorry about himself.

“What kind of soup do you want?” was the first thing he heard.

“Huh?”

“We’re going to the store after practice.”

“Oh…” he bit his inner lip, “Oxtail is fine.”

“Ok.”

“How’s practice?” 

“Fine.”

“How’s…how’s Changkyun?” He could already see the unamused face on Chae Hyungwon and that made him smile.

“He’s fine.”

“Can I talk to him?”

“No.”

“Why not?” he frowned. 

“He’s talking to Shownu right now.”

“Oh…ok…” he sighed, “I’ll see you guys when you come home.”

“Yeah. Later, hyung.” He was still smiling when he hung up—grateful for his brothers—their friendship, their understanding, and love. How could he not have trusted them to do fine without him…? How could he have assumed he’d be disappointing them when all they’ve done was understand him—put up with him—for three years? They were always there—even when he didn’t ask, and they always loved him—even when he messed up or failed. All of them were tired during that last concert—not just him. All of them stood on that stage together; they all sang with broken voices, danced with exhausted bodies. Why? Because they were a team. Even if he wasn’t going to be there, on that stage with them, they were still a team—they were still Monsta X. Why and how did he not realize that earlier?

 

Kihyun brought him a bowl of oxtail soup when they came home—wearing a mouth mask. 

“You should wear one, too,” he said, setting the bowl on the portable table. The smell made Wonho’s mouth water and the hot steam made him want to fall asleep again. Wonho nodded at Kihyun’s request before reaching over to the nightstand, pulling the drawer open, and digging around for a mouth mask.

“How are you doing?” Kihyun asked him, arms crossed.

“Not any better,” he admitted. He sighed with relief when he finally found the tattered mouth mask box; he yanked a white one out and put it on. Kihyun shifted on his feet, 

“Well, take your time. We’re not going anywhere.”

“Thanks,” Hoseok said. 

“Changkyunnie will most likely swing by later,” the main vocal stated. 

“Oh, really?”

“Just…be nice to him, ok? This hit him kinda hard…”

“Oh…” he was caught off guard, “Yeah, of course…” Kihyun nodded, accepting Wonho’s promise.

“Enjoy the soup,” he said quickly before leaving. It took a moment for Kihyun’s words to sink in before he picked up the spoon and began blowing on the hot broth. Of course, he’d hurt Changkyun with this. If it were reverse, he’d be devastated.

 

Like Kihyun had said, Changkyunnie knocked on his door only moments later. By then, the soup had digested in his tummy and he was resting his eyes while listening to some instrumental music for inspiration.

“Wear a mouth mask!” he shouted through his sore throat. A moment afterwards, the maknae opened the door wearing a black mouth mask. Wonho pulled his own around his mouth before taking out his earbuds. When the maknae closed the door behind him and came forward, Wonho noticed his hair was still damp—usually how it looked before he took a shower—not after. He sat up,

“You suggested the soup, didn’t you?” he said. Changkyun’s body froze before his shoulders slightly slumped down,

“I may have mentioned it to Hyungwon.”

“Well…thanks…”

“I’m just glad you finished it…”

“Yeah, I didn’t have an appetite yesterday but surprisingly…I was starving earlier.” Wonho could tell he was smiling just from the look in his eyes. He casually took a seat at the end of Wonho’s bed,

“The manager told us you called him today,” Changkyun said, his eyes on the floor, “You’re not gonna be at the show-con.”

“Yeah…” Hoseok fumbled with the seam of the blanket, “I trust you guys.”

“I’m glad…” the maknae smiled, his eyes watery. “I know how much you wanted to be there. Thank you…for thinking of yourself first…” Wonho coughed when he laughed,

“That’s a weird thing to say,” he managed to choke out. He stopped moving altogether when he felt Changkyun’s hand caressing the side of his face. The maknae stared at him with pained but loving eyes,

“Ah…I really wanna kiss you…” he mumbled. Wonho gasped softly when Changkyun leaned forward. The fabric of their mouth masks met; it was the strangest but sweetest kiss he’d ever tasted. Wonho barely brushed his fingertips underneath the maknae’s familiar jawline before pulling his head back,

“That’s good enough,” he said softly, “Now go take a shower.” He was relieved to finally hear the maknae laugh after what felt like an eternity of melancholy.

“I was hoping you wouldn’t notice,” Changkyun said.

“Dummy,” Wonho pulled on his ear, “Take care of yourself, too.”

“Ok…” Changkyun looked at him a little longer as though he wanted to kiss him again before standing from the bed. Wonho touched his wrist,

“Work hard, Changkyun-ah,” he murmured. The maknae nodded,

“I will.”


	10. I.M Changkyun

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Final Chapter! Thank you for everything! Wonkyun rise!!!

_Like the first time…come back to me… ___

__He heard Wonho’s gentle voice in his head._ _

__From zero, zero, zero_ _

__Even when the room was dead silent, he heard “From Zero.” After listening to the song so many times, the melody became one with him—just like his hyung had._ _

__He’d told Monbebe not to worry—that Wonho was getting better, and he would join them soon. He’d performed without him, saw someone else dance his part. Changkyun would be lying if he said it wasn’t difficult but he didn’t want the comeback to be soiled by his heartache. So, he endured, and he stayed positive—waiting for his hyung to return. However, the moment that he was granted this wish, he regretted wanting such a thing._ _

__“He’s not better,” he pouted, angrily shoving a spoonful of cereal into his mouth._ _

__“Changkyun-ah…” Kihyun sighed from the kitchen sink._ _

__“He’s not ready damn it. The managers shouldn’t be allowing this.”_ _

__“It’s his call.”_ _

__“He’s an idiot.” Kihyun laughed,_ _

__“You’re the one that’s dating him.” Changkyun shook his head before taking another frustrated bite,_ _

__“Stubborn fool is just gonna hurt himself again…” It was true that he missed Hoseok but if the cost of having him return to the stage was his health, then it wasn’t worth it. He had a strong opposition towards Wonho’s decision to join them for their MCountdown comeback stage and even verbally expressed it to Hoseok—causing numerous arguments to commence between them. But his hyung was set on returning for Monbebe and there was little Changkyun could do anymore. Sure, the doctor had approved of his health, but he still couldn’t help but worry. It’d been too painful to see him suffer during his recovery—to hear him cough and to feel his strong body suddenly become frail. He didn’t know what else to do but tend to his needs when he wasn’t practicing with the others. It cost him his own hours of sleep but that didn’t seem to matter much to him anymore. His hyung was sick and that was all he could think about for the past three days._ _

__“Maybe you should talk to him again,” Kihyun suggested, placing the plates on the drying rack._ _

__“No…” he sighed, “If I bring it up again, he’ll definitely dump me.” He heard the main vocal hold back a laugh._ _

__“That bad, huh?”_ _

__“Ah, I get where he’s coming from…comeback stages are a big deal and since he’s a workaholic, he feels restless. But I just wish he’d stay home a little longer—even if it’s just an extra day or two.”_ _

__“You worry too much, Changkyun-ah…if he says he’s ready, then he is.” Changkyun obstinately swallowed his next objection as Kihyun’s words hit him; he knew how Wonho was. His hyung’s heart was stubborn, but it was also big. He wasn’t doing this to worry Changkyun; he was doing it for Monbebe. He was always doing it for someone else. And at the end of the day, it was indeed his choice whether or not he wanted to be part of their comeback stage. If he desired to do such a thing, Changkyun was willing to step aside to oblige his wishes. Not to mention, he knew how badly Wonho had been craving the stage since he got sick. Even though it was hard, he had to trust Wonho just as he’d trust him and the members to proceed without him._ _

__

__He found his hyung changing the sheets of his bed when he entered the room. Hyungwon was already sleeping on the top bunk and Shownu was watching something on his phone—headphones in his ears. Changkyun noticed Wonho’s recently dyed hair was wet; his skin was smooth and pretty—glowing—like it always was after bathing. He was wearing a loose white shirt and cute black shorts—something lighter and less hot than what he wore during his sick days. Changkyun was a bit relieved._ _

__Wonho slightly jumped when Changkyun touched his shoulder. They shared a brief look of silence before Changkyun helped him finish dressing the bed._ _

__“You got a second?” he asked after they were done. Wonho plumped his pillows without looking up,_ _

__“Aren’t you still mad at me?”_ _

__“Yeah, I am,” he smiled nervously before laying the palm of his hand against Wonho’s lower back. His hyung stared at him with unamused eyes; he didn’t look too pleased to be speaking with him again if it meant another argument. Changkyun couldn’t say he was surprised; he’d willingly stepped out of his role as the maknae these last few days for the sake of keeping Wonho at home. Changkyun was tired from the cluttered schedule—the shows and the late-night practices—and all he could do when he took care of Wonho was tell him he needed to get better before even thinking of meeting Monbebe again. Of course, this led to more pointless fights._ _

__Wonho let out a sigh before making his way to the door, Changkyun close behind. It wasn’t until they arrived at the small hallway that lead to the laundry room that Hoseok turned around,_ _

__“Look, Changkyun if this is about tomorrow, I already told you--”_ _

__“No, I …” he briefly touched Wonho’s hand before pulling back. “I just wanted to say goodnight.” His hyung’s eyebrow rose in confusion,_ _

__“You’re not gonna ask me to stay home?” Changkyun shook his head,_ _

__“I want you to be there with us…” he admitted, “And Monbebe misses you.”_ _

__“I…miss them, too.” He was surprised when his hyung crossed his arms, his eyes on the floor and his manner suddenly shy. “I didn’t want to upset you again…” he murmured, “But I really am better…I practiced earlier today while you guys were gone. Trust me, Changkyun-ah…I can do it.” Changkyun gave him a one-dimple smile,_ _

__“Yeah…I know you can.” Suddenly Wonho was caressing his elbows, his fingers slid underneath Changkyun’s forearms until their hands finally met. The accustomed sensation still made his stomach flutter. He cleared his throat nervously,_ _

__“We should sleep early, hyung…”_ _

__“Changkyun-shi…”_ _

__“Hmm?”_ _

__“Monbebe isn’t the only one I miss.” Changkyun allowed Wonho’s fingers to entangle within his own. Now that he was touching him, he realized his hyung’s temperature had lowered since the last time he thought it was safe enough to be this close. Another sigh of relief left his lips. He really was better. Changkyun’s eyes followed the veins on Hoseok’s arm. It was the only place he could look without fully crumbling. If he gazed into his hyung’s eyes now, he’d definitely lose control. He leaned over and gently pressed his lips against the inside of Wonho’s soft wrist. The alluring, natural scent of Wonho was mixed with the flowery and sweet fragrance of his body wash. Changkyun instinctively kissed his palm when his hyung slowly shifted his hand. Wonho’s fingers swept passed his ear—his palm caressing his cheek—and digging into his hair._ _

__“You look tired,” Hoseok whispered softly. Changkyun closed his eyes at the pleasant sensation. He caressed Wonho’s hand against his face,_ _

__“Because my source of energy was sick for the past couple days…” Though he was smiling, his hyung was clearly not swooned by his words; his eyes glistened delicately,_ _

__“I’m sorry, Changkyun-ah…I should’ve told you I wasn’t feeling well from the beginning. I know I owed you that. But I feared being weak in front of you…”_ _

__“What are you talking about?” he reached out, his knuckle brushing against Wonho’s cheekbone, “You’ll always be strong to me, hyung.”_ _

__“Thanks…” Wonho smiled reluctantly before leaning forward. His lips were mere inches away—a sharp breath was caught in Changkyun’s throat. He slightly turned his head and felt that sweet mouth accidently bump into his dimple. Already, he could see the pout on his hyung’s face._ _

__“What’s wrong?”_ _

__“Nothing, I…” he softly rubbed his nose against Hoseok’s, “Sorry. Force of habit…” It was more for Wonho’s sake than his own. He’d been avoiding kisses to prevent his hyung’s health from getting worse—not that it was a difficult task since they wore mouth masks most of the time. But boy did he miss the soft, pink color of those lips and even more so the taste and feel of them. Hoseok’s eyes softened with the slightest hesitation before he slowly leaned forward. It was the opposite of their first few kisses. This time, his hyung was patiently waiting for his response rather than the other way around. Changkyun’s eyes fell on his bottom lip—the slight dent in the middle that made it look extra plump. He licked his own nervously before moving in and finally pressing their lips together. Changkyun’s body immediately gave into the gratifying wave of pleasure that consumed him. But his mind had yet to catch up,_ _

__“You sure you’re ok?” he managed to ask before their kiss completely merged._ _

__“Mm…shut up, maknae-ah…” Changkyun laughed against Wonho’s mouth. He slipped his arms around Hoseok’s shoulders and pushed himself closer—further into his body. It wasn’t until this moment that he realized it’d been so long since he’d felt this heat. Yes, whether it was three days or three weeks, any moment that Wonho wasn’t in his arms felt like a lifetime. No longer could he be worried about letting his less logical and uncontrollable side take over. His mind and body were now only occupied with Hoseok. He wanted to run his hands over those sensitive areas that made him whimper and to kiss him so seductively, that his hyung’s cheeks would turn pink._ _

__A pleasant shudder went down his spine when Wonho’s strong arm tightened around his waist and pulled him in. Their hips slightly touched in a teasing manner, causing him to lose his breath for just a moment. Hoseok’s mouth was soft but vigorous against his and his hyung’s unexpected assertiveness made him warm up rather quickly. He boldly pushed his hips forward until they grinded into his. A covered, sweet moan left Wonho’s lips, pleasing his ears._ _

__“What the heck are you guys doing?” Changkyun didn’t even have time to react before his hyung practically threw him into the other wall. He found Jooheon standing at the end of the hall with tousled hair and a confused expression. One, two, three seconds ticked by before the guy stepped forward,_ _

__“I forgot to put my clothes in the dryer,” he explained slowly before attempting to skirt around them. Changkyun pressed his back against the wall. His nervous eyes were on the floor. When Jooheon finally passed through, he let out a small breath before glancing at Wonho-hyung._ _

__“I did mention that we should sleep early, right?”_ _

__“Are you really saying, ‘I told you so?’” Wonho tilted his head playfully, “After rubbing against me like that?” Changkyun felt his face flush. He hit his hyung in the shoulder,_ _

__“You know, he’s gonna get on my ass about this later.”_ _

__“I don’t think Jooheon-shi would tease you for making out with your boyfriend, Changkyun-ah.” He laughed at Wonho’s comment,_ _

__“Then why’d you fling me across the room…?” Wonho embarrassingly licked his lips,_ _

__“Instinct…” he answered, reminding both that their relationship was still forbidden despite the love and the passion. His hyung reached out and rubbed the stinging bicep that’d encountered the wall, “Sorry…”_ _

__“It’s not your fault,” Changkyun gave him a brief smile; his fingers were on Wonho’s hip bone, “I’m gonna go help Jooheon with his laundry so…get some rest, ok?” Though his hyung looked disappointed, he nodded obediently. His cute nature made Changkyun want to hug him. He quickly kissed Wonho’s cheek before following his fellow rapper into the laundry room._ _

__

__The first week of “Dramarama” promotions went by quickly. The doubt he had about Wonho’s health slowly began to diminish with every music stage they stood on. He saw the strength and energy in Hoseok’s eyes—the same passion he was never short of since No Mercy. And, inside, Changkyun began to feel more assured and comfortable with his hyung’s return. He remembered how afraid he was when he first realized Wonho was sick; he suddenly didn’t know what to do—feeling responsible for not protecting him from harm and guilty for not noticing sooner. That familiar fear and weakness reminded him of how easily he could lose his hyung regardless of how they felt about each other. And all he wanted to do was hold his hand and never let him go—not to Monbebe, not to anyone._ _

__He came down from the stage before placing his arm around Minhyuk’s shoulders. They both waved goodbye to Monbebe and wished them safe trips to the fan sign location. There suddenly was a light feeling in his heart—something heavy had been lifted inside him. He smiled at the enthusiastic Monsta X light sticks waving back and forth at him. In the backstage waiting room, he found himself looking at Wonho while he was detangling himself from his mic and tuner. His cheeks seemed squishy and cute when he looked down—his cherry lips pouting like a baby’s as he struggled. Eventually, Changkyun stood from the chair and walked over to help him out. His hyung stood passively—watching him pull at the wires—until the mic and tuner were finally off. He sniffled like a sick bunny. Ah, damn, Changkyun thought hopelessly, he’s so cute. He leaned in to kiss him but immediately pulled back when he heard the door open and close._ _

__“I saw that,” Wonho said, his eyes serious. The corner of his mouth slightly lifted. Changkyun shoved his hands into his pockets,_ _

__“What?”_ _

__“You should be more careful, Changkyun-ah.”_ _

__“It’s not my fault hyung is so cute…” he muttered timidly._ _

__“What was that?”_ _

__“Ah…nothing,” his cheeks flushed. Before he knew it, Wonho’s hand was around his wrist and he was pulling him through the door. Changkyun was too confused and dumbfounded to speak—the word “hyung” suddenly lost on his tongue. He bowed briefly at the other artists and staff they passed by as Wonho continued to guide him along the long hallways. Changkyun could hear his heart pounding beneath his chest. His ears had grown hot with anxiousness. Their destination was unknown to him, yet he trusted Hoseok to take him. He could’ve been worried about them running into a manager; he could’ve stressed wondering what the other artists thought of seeing them alone together; however, the risk of a scandal was the last thing on his mind as he allowed Wonho to pull him._ _

__They finally ended up in the bathroom of Inkigayo; his hyung’s eyes went to the stalls to make sure they were alone before locking the door behind them. Changkyun was still stuck wondering what his plans were and what he was thinking bringing him here when they had a fan sign in an hour. If anyone walked in now, they wouldn’t look suspicious, would they? Two members of Monsta X going to the bathroom together? There was nothing suspicious about that on paper…but the fact that they were hiding something at all made him more on edge and more cautious than ever._ _

__“Ok…get it off your chest,” Wonho sighed, turning to face him. Changkyun’s eyebrows lifted,_ _

__“Huh?”_ _

__“You have something to say to me, right?” When he didn’t reply, his hyung hit him briefly on the shoulder, “You’re still annoyed with me, aren’t you? That’s why you keep staring at me?”_ _

__“Ah…” he looked down nervously at the realization, clearing his throat, “Sure…”_ _

__“What do you mean ‘sure?’” Changkyun let out an awkward laugh before licking his lips,_ _

__“I’m not mad at you, hyung…” he said. He touched Wonho’s arm, “This past week…you showed me how strong you really are…I should’ve trusted you.” Hoseok’s eyes softened._ _

__“You were just worried about me…Monbebe was, too,” he shrugged, “Tends to happen when you care about someone.”_ _

__“Yeah…” Changkyun briefly played with the black strap belted across Wonho’s torso, biting his lip, “I’m glad you’re feeling better. I’m glad…you’re dancing with us again.”_ _

__“Me, too…”_ _

__“It was hard for me, you know,” he finally admitted aloud, “We say it’s not a big deal to assure Monbebe and to keep the team’s attitude strong. But…but every time a member is missing, of course it doesn’t feel right. Shownu-hyung says we shine brighter together…and when you’re gone…I…I can tell how much dimmer it is.”_ _

__“Changkyun-ah…” Changkyun tugged on the belt like a child,_ _

__“I…wanted to kiss you back there.”_ _

__“You did?”_ _

__“Yeah.”_ _

__“I thought you were gonna start lecturing me...” Changkyun blinked in astonishment,_ _

__“Seriously?”_ _

__“It’s not my fault you’re hard to read. Your angry face is very similar to your romantic one, you know.” He laughed at how defensive his hyung’s voice had gotten—in an oddly cute and innocent way. It wasn’t a surprise that the urge to kiss him returned rather quickly. His control was slipping through his fingers every moment he spent looking at Wonho; his glossy lips, alluring and sparkling eyes, the delicate way his purple hair fell across his forehead. He was so beautiful. Changkyun didn’t understand how he could be his. Wonho shook his head, drawing him back to reality,_ _

__“Really, though…we should control ourselves better,” he sighed—his voice filled with regret—as though he was also powerless against the temptation—too susceptible to their happiness to follow his own words. Wonho nervously rubbed his jawline, gazing up as he spoke, “Since Jooheon caught us…I couldn’t help but think about what’d happen if it was the manager…I don’t know…lately I’ve been so happy…I constantly forget that what we have…can only be kept between us.” Changkyun guiltily nodded in agreement. His hyung wiped his nose,_ _

__“We need to be more careful…” he said, “Whether we’re talking about personal stuff in places like this or doing physical things like kissing in public…it’ll be hard but…we should be more professional.”_ _

__“No kissing?” Wonho shook his head. “What about holding hands?”_ _

__“Changkyunnie…”_ _

__“Ok…yeah, I know…” Changkyun sighed. “Sorry, hyung I guess I just got so used to it during preparations…I have to remind myself that when the cameras come on…we’re not together.”_ _

__“Don’t say it like that…” his hyung laughed softly, “Makes it sound sad.”_ _

__“But it kinda is, isn’t it?” he caressed Wonho’s cheek, “This wouldn’t be necessary if we weren’t in an idol group together so…I’m sorry about all this. I still think you deserve more than me…”_ _

__“I don’t deserve anything,” Hoseok let out a deep breath, “I’m just a normal guy…and I’m just lucky…I’m fortunate enough to have this life…Monbebe…and you…all I can do is be grateful for it and work hard. Because not many people are dealt a hand this good.” My modest, humble hyung…you really are something else. Changkyun took a step back, shaking his head,_ _

__“Ah, seriously…you’re making this no-kiss-policy really hard…”_ _

__“Me?” Wonho pointed at his mouth, “You’re the one that keeps licking your lips.” Changkyun laughed._ _

__“I’m not.”_ _

__“Yeah, you are. And you’re looking at me like you want to eat me. That affects me too you know.” He laughed again at the colorful way Wonho worded his sentences. And how his child-like demeanor was contradicting the seduction of his words. Changkyun knew then that there was no doubt he loved this guy._ _

__“Ok…” he sighed, placing his hands behind his back, “I’ll keep my hands to myself.”_ _

__“And your eyes…” Wonho pouted, “And lips…”_ _

__“What? Do you want me to just wear a mask now--?” He froze at the sensation of Wonho’s soft lips boldly kissing his own. His mind told him to pull away, but his instinct was already grabbing Wonho’s face, hungrily opening his mouth, pushing him up against the sink counter. His hands eagerly gripped Wonho’s firm backside._ _

__“Wait, wait Changkyun-ah, wait…” He felt his hyung’s messy hands fumbling with his top before slightly pushing him away. Changkyun licked his lips nervously as he pulled back, knowing he just gave into that exact temptation they’d been trying to fight._ _

__“Sorry,” he mumbled._ _

__“No, I…I should apologize…” his hyung sighed before pushing his forehead against the maknae’s chest. Changkyun could tell he was chewing his lip and contemplating whether he could muster up the pride to face him._ _

__“It’s ok…” Changkyun leaned in and kissed his blushing ear._ _

__“I’m lecturing you about control, but I can’t even…” He felt Wonho shaking his head, “Ah…I need to calm down…” Changkyun stepped back. He pulled some paper towels from the dispenser, wet them with cold water, and gently laid them on the back of Hoseok’s neck. His hyung flinched at the initial touch before his shoulders eventually slumped down in defeat._ _

__“I told Kihyunnie we’d be able to cool it after we got used to each other.”_ _

__“Ah…”_ _

__“But I don’t think that’ll happen…” Wonho sighed, his hand clutching Changkyun’s sleeve, “When I’m with you…I just want to be closer…I can’t help it.” Changkyun patted down the wet towel; he took Hoseok’s hand in his,_ _

__“I’m not asking you to feel bad about it, hyung…” he murmured. “I’m glad you want me this much…because I feel the same way about you.” His hyung laughed,_ _

__“We’re acting like teenagers…”_ _

__“Teenagers often act with their hearts though, right?”_ _

__“Yeah…” Wonho traced his neck with his familiar, gentle fingers, “But we need to be adults, Changkyunnie…”_ _

__“I know…” he pushed his nose against Hoseok’s cheek before kissing him lightly. His skin smelt sweet and felt so soft, “Let’s head back and meet Monbebe…”_ _

__“Mm…” Hoseok agreed with a simple nod. Changkyun rubbed his shoulder comfortingly before allowing his hyung to exit the bathroom of Inkigayo, waiting a minute or two, and then walking out after him._ _

__

__He was watching Wonho through hazy eyes. His hyung continued to look down and tears were running down his cheeks. He was spinning the glass ball of The Show award in a repetitive manner—as though he were trying to distract himself—and that made Changkyun want to cry even more. One of the camera interviewers came up to him but he brushed him off quickly before desperately finding a wall to sob into. He wiped his tears, but they continued to come out unapologetically. What happened next was an emotional blur. Shownu hugged him but—for probably the first time since they debuted—the leader’s strength faltered for he, too, needed comfort. It was an overwhelming feeling of time—a mixture of happiness and melancholy—relief, pain, gratitude. They’d lost so much sleep, so many meals—his hyung had sacrificed his health for this comeback; to think Monbebe had this gift waiting for them on the other side._ _

__He dried his eyes with the tissue Manager-hyung had handed him. All seven of them gathered together—arms overlapped, heads together—but the feeling of their mutual heartache and gratitude immersed in one hug only made him tear up again. He broke away quickly and turned from the cameras and the members, sniffling back the tears. Jooheon rubbed his back and hugged him before moving on to the next member. Changkyun appreciated his comfort; he knew Jooheon was strong, but he hadn’t expected him to be so mature and collected—and to be such a great support for their hyungs. He wished he could do the same. But he felt too overwhelmed. The emotional waves continued to hit him every time he stopped to think—about Monbebe and their commitment to them, about the members and how much they endured—how hard they worked, about the nights he stayed up wondering what it all mattered anymore, every time he thought about how badly he wanted someone who felt the same way he was feeling to hold him—how badly he wanted that someone to be his Wonho-hyung. But they needed to hold back even in a moment like this._ _

__“Up until now, it’s been Monsta X! Thank you!” They finished up the vlive thanking Monbebe with full hearts and began to gather their things to go home. His face still felt puffy as he pulled on his coat. Was this moment real? Were these feelings temporary? Would he wake up any moment now? It was difficult to grasp that they—Monsta X and Monbebe—had achieved what felt like the impossible. From here on, they would only fly to higher places—places he could not see at the moment but anticipated going to. Changkyun rubbed his stinging, sensitive eyes as he followed his hyungs and the managers to the van. Were they all feeling the same as he was? Were they also still in disbelief? It was quiet for a long time during the drive home. The only sound present was the low humming of the car engine. Changkyun laid his head against the seat, his distant eyes on the road. Wonho’s voice continued to echo in the back of his head the longer he stared out. It hurt his heart to hear how his hyung felt about the entire situation. He knew Wonho didn’t want to disappoint Monbebe again, but he hadn’t expected those words to leave his lips—that he disliked the fact of being nominated at all, that he already predicted they would lose again. Had they really worked this hard—killed themselves time and time again—only to give up before the fight even started? Changkyun wanted nothing more than to hold him and wipe his tears; he wanted to tell Hoseok that Monbebe wouldn’t have thought of them any different even if they hadn’t won. But his strength seemed to have left him and he could do nothing but cry himself and thank Monbebe for their present._ _

__“This really is surreal,” Kihyun said suddenly, his voice low._ _

__“I know,” Minhyuk agreed._ _

__“We all cried a lot,” Jooheon laughed lightly, “Monbebe were probably crying, too.”_ _

__“Of course. They worked just as hard as us.”_ _

__“Where do we go from here?”_ _

__“We just have to keep doing what we do and work even harder.” Despite not contributing to the conversation, Changkyun found himself nodding to Jooheon’s words. Winning this award only propelled him to work harder and to give 110 percent of himself. Monbebe made them number one and number one they will be._ _

__They celebrated their first win at an extravagant restaurant; by then the tears had dried, the emotions subsided, and they were filling up their empty bellies with delicious food. The managers congratulated them and even ordered a cake for their first win on an official music show. Changkyun couldn’t remember the last time he was so happy. He enjoyed laughing with his brothers, reminiscing about the last few weeks and even further beyond that time. It really gave him perspective on the things that actually mattered._ _

__As he ate modestly, sitting between Jooheon and Hyungwon, he stole a few glances of his hyung who was seated directly across the table from him and who was probably the quietest of the evening. Wonho was only concentrated on his meal, his eyes still red and his nose still sniffling. He looked distant and alone—trapped within his own thoughts. Changkyun wanted to start a conversation with him but the others were too loud for his voice to carry across. Not to mention, the managers’ table was only a few feet away. He only wished his hyung would glance up from his bowl of jajangmyeon and share a moment or two of eye contact—just to let him know he was thinking of him. However, Hoseok continued to look down and chew quietly to himself, his confidence clearly faltered. Changkyun knew he wanted to be comforted the most when he was like this—so confused and swirling in his own emotions. However, he was never verbal or open about it. Someone needed to notice first and then offer their hand out. And Changkyun did notice—he always did. But he felt restrained—helpless—in this situation._ _

__He took a bite of the delicious beef and shoveled in a few scoops of rice before standing up. All the members—including Wonho—immediately looked up at him. Changkyun suddenly felt nervous. He gulped down his food before walking to the other side of the table. At this point, even the managers were staring. He reached Hoseok’s side and gently rubbed his hand again his back._ _

__“Changkyun-shi, what are you doing?” Minhyuk asked curiously. Changkyun leaned over, his arm around Wonho’s shoulders, and pulled him a little closer._ _

__“Comforting my hyung,” he replied simply._ _

__“Ah…our maknae is so nice,” Kihyun smiled._ _

__“Wonho-hyung was crying so much,” Jooheon pointed out, “Are you ok now?” Wonho nodded despite his eyes becoming glossy again. Changkyun rubbed and patted his shoulder briefly before returning to his seat. When he looked across the table again, his hyung was engaging in the group’s conversation and Changkyun was grateful for the second time that night._ _

__He was exhausted by the time they got home, but his head was still buzzing—his heart still bouncing around inside his chest. The others probably felt the same way. There was a common aura throughout the house—an excitement that wouldn’t quiet down. Changkyun lay in his bed for a few minutes, his hands tingling. He couldn’t stop replaying the moment in his head, the MC announcing their name, their picture appearing on the screen, Monbebe’s cheers flooding up the entire room. It was too unbelievable; he feared this feeling fading away any moment now._ _

__“Changkyun-ah,” he heard Jooheon say amidst the darkness._ _

__“Hmm?”_ _

__“Are you still awake?”_ _

__“Mm…”_ _

__“How about you, hyung?”_ _

__“Of course,” Minhyuk’s voice answered tiredly, “I don’t think anyone expects to sleep in a situation like this.” Changkyun rolled over on the mattress,_ _

__“What about Kihyunnie-hyung?”_ _

__“He’s probably awake and just ignoring us,” Jooheon laughed._ _

__“I am,” Kihyun’s voice chimed in._ _

__“Ah…” he heard Minhyuk utter. Some rustling commenced like he was grabbing for something. Then Changkyun saw the glow of light from his phone, “It’s 12:03! Happy birthday, Kihyun.”_ _

__“Happy birthday, hyung,” Jooheon and Changkyun repeated simultaneously._ _

__“You guys…” Kihyun sighed, his voice slightly flustered, “Go to sleep. We still have work ahead of us.”_ _

__“I think Kihyunnie-hyung got the best birthday present,” Changkyun said innocently._ _

__“Well, I don’t think anything else can top this,” Kihyun admitted, “Monbebe knew how much we wanted this. That’s why it got so emotional up there.”_ _

__“Monbebe really are the best,” Minhyuk added and—even though none of them said anything—Changkyun knew they all agreed._ _

__“Changkyunnie,” Kihyun called out to him suddenly._ _

__“What?”_ _

__“How’s Hoseok doing?” Changkyun nervously bit the inside of his cheek,_ _

__“I haven’t talked to him.”_ _

__“I’m sure he’s fine,” Minhyuk attempted to reassure him, “He’s just really sensitive about this kinda stuff—especially when it comes to Monbebe.”_ _

__“I was just a little worried,” Kihyun expressed honestly, “The two of you didn’t comfort each other backstage.”_ _

__“It’s…we’re just trying to be more professional these days,” Changkyun cleared his throat._ _

__“I see…”_ _

__“Is it because of what happened last time?” Jooheon asked suddenly._ _

__“Wait, what happened?” Minhyuk’s voice eagerly perked up._ _

__“Ah--! It’s nothing,” Changkyun quickly sat up in his bed before frantically climbing down from the top bunk._ _

__“Where are you going, maknae?” Kihyun asked but Changkyun didn’t stop to reply. He closed the door behind him as he left, letting out a deep breath. It didn’t feel right to talk about Wonho behind his back—even if it was because the others were worried. He wanted to speak to him first and to know how he felt before drawing conclusions. He needed to hear it from his hyung’s lips that he was indeed ok. That was the only way he could sleep peacefully without worrying about him._ _

__Changkyun made his way to the bathroom but was surprised to see light coming from the crack of the door. He almost walked away but stopped when he heard familiar, muffled whimpers._ _

__“Hoseok?” he called. He waited for a moment before trying the doorknob. It wasn’t locked. “I’m coming in, ok?” he asked politely before pushing the door open. Wonho was sitting on top of the closed toilet, his face buried in his hands. It looked like he came in here just to cry. Changkyun walked over and knelt in front of him. He placed his hands on his hyung’s knees._ _

__“What’s wrong?” he murmured. He reached up and pulled Wonho’s hand from his face revealing his red eyes, wet cheeks, and trembling mouth. Changkyun felt his heart sink down to his feet. He wiped Wonho’s tears with the sleeve of his sweater and let out a soft laugh, “Why aren’t you smiling? We finally won, didn’t we?” His hyung continued to look down, drops clinging from his eyelashes. When he squeezed his eyes shut, only more tears fell. Changkyun was expecting him to push him away and ask him to leave—wanting to deal with his feelings alone. But instead his hyung remained still._ _

__He sniffled, “It’s not like…I’m not grateful,” his voice shook when he was finally able to speak. “But I…I feel like I gave up on Monbebe…because of my insecurities. I got scared…they have so much faith in us but…I didn’t…for them…I just…”_ _

__“Hyung…” Changkyun begged, “Please…don’t cry anymore.”_ _

__“I stopped believing in Monbebe…in us…in myself…I forced myself to be defeated for the sake of not wanting to get hurt—because seeing them cry for us again would only hurt me like so many times before. But I didn’t even think about how much they worked for us…how badly they wanted to see our faces when we finally won. I…lost my confidence…and couldn’t speak—I couldn’t thank them for--”_ _

__“Shh…” he held his hand, “I know, hyung…I think all of us were shaking on that stage before they called our name…none of us were expecting it…don’t torture yourself like that.” Changkyun leaned forward and brushed the heavy bangs from his forehead, “Monbebe know how grateful you are. They love you and they did it to make you happy…they worked hard for you—for us. So, be happy, ok?”_ _

__“I…I am…”_ _

__“Then smile for me, hyung…”_ _

__“I can’t…” Hoseok’s voice cracked, “Not now…” Changkyun wrapped his arms around Wonho’s shoulders and pulled him in. He was touched when his hyung immediately grabbed onto him—clinging onto his much smaller body._ _

__“I’m sorry,” Wonho muffled wetly into his shirt, “I wanted to hold you up there…even in front of the other artists and Monbebe…and the cameras. But I couldn’t even keep myself together.”_ _

__“It’s alright…I was pretty useless, too,” he gently combed his fingers through Wonho’s hair, “But hearing how much you care…about Monbebe’s feelings and the fact that you didn’t want to see them cry…it just makes me love you more…”_ _

__“Changkyunnie…” he slightly whimpered, causing the maknae’s heart to break a bit, “Thanks for being here…for always being my strength when I need it the most.” Changkyun pulled back and wiped more wet tears from his soft cheeks,_ _

__“You’re mine, too…” he confessed. His hyung looked amused by his words and, finally, there was a small smile on his lips. An overwhelming surge of gratitude bubbled up inside Changkyun then and he thought about how stubborn his hyung used to be when it came to depending on him for support. His pride as the older one always seemed to be in the way somehow but now he felt Wonho was putting those feelings aside and replacing them with the feelings he had for Changkyun instead. He didn’t think he’d ever love Wonho as much as he did in that moment._ _

__He wet a towel with warm water and helped wipe down Hoseok’s tender face before walking him back to his room. Wonho’s hand felt nice caressing his own. Changkyun wanted to hold it until he fell asleep. He turned towards Hoseok and kissed him briefly on the lips,_ _

__“I’ll see you tomorrow,” he said softly._ _

__“K…” Wonho bit his bottom lip, “I miss you already…”_ _

__“I miss you, too,” he smiled. It was different when he said it aloud. His heart suddenly hurt. It ached for Hoseok’s warmth. He sought more time with him—even just another hour or two. But just as quickly as he desired it, the moment would be over, and he’d still have to sleep without Wonho in his arms. He needed to build up more tolerance or he’d go crazy. Changkyun tightened his mouth when he felt Wonho’s hand caressing his face._ _

__“Let’s meet here again tomorrow…” his hyung suddenly said, “Same time.” Changkyun was left quiet for a moment before realizing what he’d just said. He gave Hoseok a dimple before kissing the top of his hand,_ _

__“Whatever you say, hyung.”_ _

__

__For several weeks, they shared secret moments when they could—meeting in that same spot outside Wonho’s room and saying goodnight to each other before going to bed. Changkyun couldn’t say it was ideal but he slowly began to cherish these brief moments with Wonho. It felt nice to have someone waiting for him—thinking about him—and wanting to be with him as much as he did. He slowly began to understand the face they needed to put on if it meant keeping what they had. He began to control himself better when Wonho was around even when he was burning inside, and he got the sense his hyung was doing the same. Their frequency seemed to be aligned when it came to their secret relationship and Changkyun was happy. He knew, somehow, they had finally overcome the small obstacles they used to hold inside themselves and learned to focus on what was important. The fact that they had so little time together only made him appreciate his hyung more and more. He regretted wasting time breaking his hyung’s heart repeatedly—pushing himself away when he didn’t want to, letting his insecurities come between them. Now, he didn’t want any ill moments between them and if there were, no matter what, he’d fight to keep him by his side._ _

__

__They returned from Japan after performing their Christmas Party concerts. Changkyun still couldn’t grasp the fact that “Dramarama” promotions were moving so quickly. The year was already going to end soon, and he could barely take a moment to stop and think. They practiced “Lonely Christmas” for the sixth time that night before they finally decided to head back to the dorms for dinner. He physically felt better than he did during their “Dramarama” preparations. It was as though their first win had rid him of all fatigue and only fueled him to dance and rap harder._ _

__He sat down next to Kihyun and Minhyuk as the seven of them gathered to attack the pizza Manager-hyung had ordered. Almost all of them had a piece before they started to actually have a conversation._ _

__“I’m gonna go home and be with my family,” Minhyuk answered when asked what he was planning to do for Christmas and the New Year. Hyungwon and Jooheon agreed and implied they were planning similar things—their mouths still full of cheese pizza._ _

__“What about you, hyung?” Jooheon asked Shownu after a gulp._ _

__“Kihyunnie and I are just gonna eat together and hang out at the dorms. Maybe watch a movie.” The others nodded as though it was the most normal thing in the world. Changkyun wouldn’t have even suspected they were dating with how natural they already were as friends—or members of the group for that matter. It was normal for friends to eat and hang out together after all. He couldn’t even tell if they were planning on the evening to be romantic or platonic._ _

__Before he knew it, Minhyuk was nudging him in the arm,_ _

__“Do you and Hoseok have plans?” he asked._ _

__“What?” he immediately grew flustered before his eyes went over to Wonho, “Uh, well…we haven’t really discussed anything yet.” They’d been so busy lately with concerts, music shows, and fan signs, they barely had time to have a conversation long enough to talk about each other’s days—let alone plans for a Christmas date._ _

__“We’re gonna go look at the lights,” his hyung suddenly said, “I heard they’re really pretty this year.”_ _

__“Oh, that could be fun,” Minhyuk nodded._ _

__“Wait. We are?” Changkyun asked._ _

__“Do you not want to?”_ _

__“Uh…no, I want to…”_ _

__“So, you’ll go with me?”_ _

__“Yeah, of course.”_ _

__“Ok, cool.”_ _

__“What is this?” Jooheon burst out in an overexaggerated voice, “Don’t act like five other people aren’t in the room.” Changkyun blushed before looking down and finishing his second slice of pizza, his heart pounding at the thought of spending quality time with Hoseok again._ _

__As per usual, he met Wonho outside his room while the others were already sleeping. Hand entangled in the other’s, he felt warm and comfortable here. They usually only stayed for a few minutes—shorter if they had a music show scheduled for the next day. But Changkyun found himself loving these shared, intimate moments in that dim hallway. He stared at Wonho’s shaded face—half a mystery hidden in the dark and the other half emphasized by the dramatic shadows underneath his eyes, lips, and nose._ _

__“I was thinking we can go before Christmas day,” Hoseok said, “We don’t have anything scheduled after Music Bank on the 22nd.”_ _

__“Mm…that sounds good,” Changkyun nodded with a small smile._ _

__“What?” His hyung immediately noticed it._ _

__“Nothing, I just…I just didn’t realize you were thinking about such things.”_ _

__“Of course, I’d plan our Christmas date. I’m the romantic one, remember?” He laughed before pulling his hyung closer, his hands on Wonho’s hips,_ _

__“I’m glad I’m spending this time of the year with you…” Changkyun admitted, “I know it’s a difficult time for some people…so I…I’m really grateful, hyung.” He was surprised to see the faintest glow in Wonho’s eyes when he looked up. Hoseok’s lips pursed and Changkyun feared he’d start crying._ _

__“Me, too…” he sniffed before looking down, “Changkyun, I…please know how much you mean to me…” his hyung said softly._ _

__Changkyun smiled, “I do…”_ _

__“If I ever let you go again…know that it’ll be the stupidest decision of my life.”_ _

__“Why are you saying such dramatic things?” he laughed, causing Hoseok to smile bashfully in return. His cheek felt hot when he brushed his knuckles against it, “I know there are a lot of things to regret regarding what happened between us…but we should stop punishing ourselves already…just look where we are now. I’m…I’m proud of us, hyung.” He didn’t expect his words to make his hyung cry. It must’ve triggered something inside him—something he’d been holding onto for a long time. Changkyun quickly rubbed his shoulder and his trembling back to prevent him from choking out anymore tears._ _

__“Sorry, I…don’t know what came over me,” Hoseok laughed softly before sniffing. He took in a deep breath, pulling in his initial, emotional reaction before looking Changkyun in the eye, “The day you told me you belonged to someone else…it made my stomach hurt more than it did during our first ‘Trespass’ stage. I was uncertain about my feelings for you at first, but I learned to accept them…so when I found out I was too late…I felt like throwing up. I felt so dumb and exposed—so vulnerable. After you left me in my studio that night…I cried for a long time. But it helped…because I could face you the next day—completely out of any more tears to shed. I thought that moment…would be the last time we’d ever speak alone again…” My hyung._ _

__“I don’t think I would’ve allowed that,” Changkyun caressed his bicep, “I’ve loved you for so long…even if I tried, I wouldn’t have been able to push you out of my life, hyung.”_ _

__“Even if you stayed with that girl?”_ _

__“Yeah…” he nodded, “Because I’ll always need you…even as a man in denial, I know I would’ve subconsciously found my way to you.” He traced his hyung’s jawline with his thumb, then his chin, his soft bottom lip. Hoseok’s eyes glistened,_ _

__“Isn’t that what they call destiny?” Changkyun let out a small laugh,_ _

__“I guess it is,” he leaned in and gently kissed Wonho on the lips, “I love you…” Hoseok nodded before biting his bottom lip,_ _

__“You know, a lot of people say that to me…” his gaze was on the floor, “But it feels like you’re the only one that actually means it, Changkyun-ah…” When he glanced up again, his face was confident and mature—that of an older brother, “Thank you, maknae.” Changkyun felt his heart skip a beat. He laid his head against Wonho’s shoulder in defeat,_ _

__“Then I’ll say it as many times as you want…” he murmured. He felt Wonho’s lips against his head and he closed his eyes—taking in the brief but warm moment. It was easy to feel lonely—especially when it came to their idol lifestyle. You feel special because so many people adore and love you but at the same time, you don’t feel special at all. That was why Wonho’s love meant so much to him. It was real; and it was right next to him all the time. He felt it whenever his hyung was near and even more when he wasn’t. To know Hoseok’s arms were tangible, honest, and willing to catch him if he fell—it made him so happy and grateful; Changkyun found he could no longer express how much this man meant to him. His heart was pounding out languages he couldn’t understand—only feel. He continued to hold Wonho’s hands until the last moment when his hyung finally decided they should sleep._ _

__

__There were white and blue Christmas lights clinging onto the rows of trees patterning down the street they were walking on. They looked like twinkling stars amongst the black sky. Changkyun stepped a little closer to Hoseok until their arms brushed. The two of them were walking around for about two hours now—simply enjoying the festive decorations and lights. Wonho had bought him a warm cup of chocolate milk and they shared some bungeoppang. It really felt like a romantic Christmas date and Changkyun hated to admit it, but he was enjoying the cheesy scenario. There were mostly couples walking around the same streets they were—holding hands and flirting. Changkyun tried not to say anything or react; he didn’t want to draw attention to the romantic scenes around them in hopes of preventing his hyung from noticing. He didn’t need a reminder that their relationship was forbidden._ _

__They took a few more pictures by the large Christmas tree before Wonho decided to call it a day. They picked up a cab a few minutes later. Changkyun’s ears perked up when Wonho gave the driver a strange address._ _

__“We’re not going back to the dorms?” he asked._ _

__“Hyunwoo told me the dorms were off limits for the night,” Wonho explained, holding back a laugh. It took a moment for Changkyun to understand what that meant before he quickly looked down, his cheeks red. At this, his hyung did laugh—in a cute but also irritating way. He briefly felt Wonho’s hand on his knee—slapping him playfully—before he took it back._ _

__Changkyun was surprised and a bit impressed with their destination—a hotel just a few minutes from their home. He didn’t expect such boldness from Hoseok—especially after he’d stressed so openly that they needed to be professional._ _

__“Management allowed us some vacation hours for the holidays,” Wonho said as they settled in their room, “They didn’t tell us who we could spend it with.” Changkyun couldn’t say he didn’t admire his hyung’s resolve. Taking this risk took guts._ _

__He sat down on the bed—a king size that was softer than his mattress at the dorms. Now he’d been in a lot of hotels in his life and he was confident to say this one was quite nice—a modern but elegant design. There was a large window that opened up to the city lights and buildings below, two large beds in separate parts of the big room, a fireplace, long, glass dining table in the open kitchen area, and a bathroom with both a shower and a bathtub. It was a shame they were only staying for one night._ _

__“What do you want to eat for dinner?” Wonho asked, “I’ll order room service.”_ _

__“Mm…for the cold weather should we have samgyetang?”_ _

__“Ok,” his hyung nodded, “I’ll get some ramen, too.” Changkyun laughed to himself as his hyung picked up the phone and began dialing. He stood from the bed and stared out the large window for a while. The world seemed so distant from this height that the taboo of their relationship seemed so small. Moments later, Wonho’s hands were on his shoulders; he felt his hyung’s breath on his neck._ _

__“What are you thinking about, maknae?” Hoseok asked._ _

__“I like the view,” he replied. Wonho laughed softly,_ _

__“I don’t. I’d fall off the face of the earth if I stood too close to the window.”_ _

__“I’d grab you before you fell.”_ _

__“Idiot, you’re not strong enough to do that.”_ _

__“Ok, that’s true.” Changkyun turned around and squeezed Wonho’s face between his hands; he smiled gratefully, “You really did all of this, so we could spend more time together…this place seems so expensive, hyung.”_ _

__“Don’t worry about it.”_ _

__“But…”_ _

__“What, you’d rather go back to the dorms and piss off Hyunwoo?” Changkyun laughed abruptly and hit him in the shoulder but this caused his hyung to blabber out some frightened, rapid stutters. He quickly grabbed onto Changkyun’s arms before steadying himself._ _

__“Oh gosh, I thought I was going to fall over…” he expressed breathlessly. Changkyun let out a sigh—frustrated at how fucking cute this guy was. He turned around and closed the curtains of the window._ _

__“Better?” he asked. Hoseok nodded. He stepped forward and pushed his forehead against Wonho’s, took a deep breath of him—his scent, his face, how the presence of his soul felt when he was near it, “I think…my entire life has led up to this moment…”_ _

__“Changkyun-ah…”_ _

__“All those years feeling like I was missing something…it was you…” he caressed Wonho’s neck, “I’ve been waiting for you…” He saw the pink dye his hyung’s cheeks,_ _

__“Don’t…seduce me with your beautiful words, Rapper-shi…”_ _

__“You do the same to me all the time, Composer-shi.” Wonho suddenly took his hand and placed it against his chest. His palm met his hyung’s beating heart and Changkyun suddenly felt hot. When he looked up, their eyes automatically met. Wonho smiled warmly,_ _

__“Even after knowing you for almost three years…you still make my heart race like this…take responsibility.”_ _

__

__Changkyun shyly looked away as Hoseok slipped the white bathrobe over his bare body. He still blushed and felt a bit flustered despite the fact that they’d been intimate in the shower only moments ago. Wonho’s red hair was wet and slightly curly. His frizzy, damp bangs covered his eyes in a seductive manner and the fact that he wasn’t aware of how much he was affecting the other person in the room only made him more attractive. Changkyun kept his gaze on the ground as his hyung took a seat across from him at the large table. Their room service had arrived a little after they were finishing showering. Changkyun didn’t even realize how hungry he’d been. He was so distracted with Hoseok he forgot that it was hours since his last meal._ _

__“Ah, it looks good,” his hyung observed innocently. Changkyun waited until he took a sip of the steaming broth before joining him. Each had their own bowl of ramen, rice, a side dish of japchae, and an extra bowl for samgyetang. They ate and slurped together for a while, allowing the soft music from Wonho’s phone to set up the mood and atmosphere. His belly filled up quickly and soon his eyes were feeding on Hoseok once more. His hyung always had a habit of sniffing and chewing in an overexaggerated way when he ate and Changkyun couldn’t look away—fascinated and charmed by him. How could such a lovely being exist?_ _

__“Finish your ramen, Changkyun-ah,” his hyung ordered, unaware of his staring, “I don’t want you to be hungry later.” Changkyun froze for a moment before lifting more noodles with his chopsticks and shoveling them into his mouth. His habit of staring at Wonho happened so often, he was surprised he had yet to suffer any consequences for it. Changkyun knew it wasn’t polite to stare—especially when it made Hoseok uncomfortable—but sometimes it’d happen without him even realizing and he began to wonder where he could look if and when Wonho wasn’t in the room._ _

__“We never really have time to talk about our days because we usually spend them doing similar things along with the other members,” Wonho said before taking a sip of his cola, “But if you want to talk about anything, just know you can come to me.” Changkyun smiled at his directness._ _

__“That means a lot, hyung. Thanks,” he cleared his throat and rubbed the area below his jaw, “To be honest, these last few weeks were really busy and went by fast. I didn’t really have time to reflect on myself…”_ _

__“Ah, yeah…I know how much your alone time means to you.”_ _

__“But…I’m glad we could see each other like this once in a while. I feel refreshed every time I’m near you.” Wonho’s eyes smiled lovingly,_ _

__“That’s good.”_ _

__“What about you? You feeling ok?”_ _

__“I am. Seeing Monbebe so often is nice…even though our schedules can be tiring. ‘Dramarama’ promotions are still continuing so we can’t really rest yet but I want to work on songs and start composing new things.”_ _

__“Ah, you’re feeling that way, too?” Changkyun laughed, he held his hand out and Wonho shook it, “I swear the longer I don’t work on my music, the crazier I’m getting.”_ _

__“Right? I just need a few hours in my studio. But we always seem to have last-minute interviews or a random photoshoot,” his hyung let out a sigh before eating some soft rice, “I know I shouldn’t complain ‘cause this is what I signed up for but I could honestly use a break…” Once more, Changkyun reached out but this time, he caressed his hand. He traced his fingers along the bumps that were his knuckles,_ _

__“Then let’s do something tonight,” he suggested._ _

__“Huh?” He stood from the table and picked up the notepad and pen that was sitting on the counter; his hyung’s eyes were on him. He came back and clicked down on the pen with the hotel’s name and logo on the it._ _

__“Let’s write a rap,” he said, “Ah, wait. You write the rap and I’ll do the chorus part.”_ _

__“What?” Wonho’s eyes were wide, “We don’t even have a melody.”_ _

__“We’ll make it up as we go, come on. Show me your improv, hyung.” Wonho suspiciously squint his eyes at him,_ _

__“Then I’ll rap about my rude dog, Kkukkung.”_ _

__“Hey, take this seriously,” Changkyun laughed, “You need to get this out of your system.”_ _

__“Mm, ok,” Wonho immediately answered in English before blowing on his ramen and slurping it down. His eyes were directed upwards as he chewed and gulped. Changkyun could tell he was thinking hard and he had to stop himself from smiling in adoration for his hyung._ _

__Needless to say, it was an interesting and exciting experience. Wonho’s improvised lyrics were quite humorous and light-hearted compared to when he wrote them seriously. And it was fun to hear him rap them—his confidence unwavering even in front of one of Monsta X’s rappers. He enjoyed being loud and obnoxious with his hyung—singing and rapping the song they randomly made up together over dinner. It’d been a long time since he felt they could just playfully fool around as buddies. Not since Trespass Era did he remember being so over-the-top and hyper—laughing so much with just Wonho. It was a good, relaxing feeling that he missed and before he knew it, it was already past 2 am._ _

__“I’ll set the alarm for seven,” his hyung tapped on his phone before climbing into the bed with him, “We can get back to the dorms before the manager picks us up for Music Core.” Changkyun nodded, pulling the sheets over him. He snuggled closer to Wonho as soon as laid down, his head burrowed against his chest._ _

__“I had a lot of fun today,” he murmured, his fingers gently tracing Wonho’s breast, “Thanks for everything…”_ _

__“Don’t thank me,” his hyung shifted their position until they were facing each other. He caressed Changkyun’s face, “I’m glad I got to see you smile so much…” The pleasant feeling of his fingers sliding across his jawline and then bottom lip made Changkyun tremble. He touched Wonho’s neck, his thumb rubbing against his soft cheek. Their eyes met, and he was reminded of how much he’d wanted this man years ago and how much it hurt to keep his feelings buried. How was he fortunate enough to reach this place—this moment?_ _

__“Wonho-hyung…”_ _

__“Hmm…?” Wonho blinked innocently, making his heart pound. He licked his lips,_ _

__“I still have a lot to learn…and more room to grow…but the fact that you accept me—even as someone younger. I’m grateful…” he laughed to himself, “I want to grow even more as a person…as Monsta X…and as a couple…”_ _

__“I want that, too,” his hyung gazed at him with proud eyes, “Let’s do it together, Changkyun-ah…” He nodded with a smile before leaning closer and kissing Wonho on the mouth. A soft utterance squeaked in the back of Hoseok’s throat. The hand pressed against his plump cheek felt a drastic change in temperature. Changkyun allowed the kiss to flow naturally—soft and slow. He felt Wonho’s hand gradually sliding down his shoulders, stopping at his chest. His fingers lightly danced their way through the opening of his bathrobe until they were gently caressing Changkyun’s naked flesh. Changkyun was expecting Hoseok to touch him further but his hand remained on his right breast. Surprisingly, the longer Wonho’s hand stayed there, the more he blushed. It felt as though his hyung were attempting something beyond that of the physical touch. It was as though he were trying to make Changkyun remember how his hand felt as it lay only inches away from his heart—how his fingers pressed ever-so-slightly into his skin. His heart began to pound more rapidly the longer he tasted Hoseok’s lips and felt his hand on him. He caressed Wonho’s ear between his fingers, his thumb lingering on the soft lobe._ _

__“I want to remember this moment for a long time,” Wonho breathed out delicately. His eyes were still closed, “A few months from now, we’ll be in a different place…a different moment…promoting a different song…but I can’t forget something like this.” His hand moved across Changkyun’s chest until it was atop his heart, “You’re so warm, Changkyunnie…” Changkyun smiled before doing the same to Wonho; palm to fingertips laid flat across his chest._ _

__“I’ll give you more memories like this,” he promised, “So you’ll never forget how it feels…even when hyung is away, he’ll feel my warmth.”_ _

__“Then…I’ll leave myself in your hands, maknae…” Wonho’s hand was suddenly caressing his own. His watery eyes were on Changkyun’s, “Without realizing it…you became my support…” he gave the maknae a smile, “When I met you…I didn’t even think of the possibility. You were just another trainee, I…I don’t know…I’m just…”_ _

__“Yeah…” Changkyun tapped his forehead against Wonho’s, “You don’t have to say it, hyung…I know.”_ _

__“Hmm…you always do, huh?” Hoseok smiled before allowing another kiss to commence. This time, Changkyun wrapped his arm around his waist, his hands working their way through the thick bathrobe until he felt Wonho’s hot flesh. He rolled atop his hyung and found his robe disheveled and revealing his bare chest. Wonho’s cheeks were flushed, his eyes glossy and his lips slightly parted. He was truly breathtaking. Changkyun leaned over, brushing his frizzy bangs from his eyes. He breathed in Wonho’s scent, his lips barely touching the sensitive skin of his neck before grazing his lips and teeth against it. Underneath him, he felt Wonho slightly shudder._ _

__“We’re not gonna get any sleep,” his hyung pointed out breathlessly._ _

__“Ah…” Changkyun paused, “Right…” He jolted when Wonho suddenly grabbed one of his butt cheeks._ _

__“I don’t mind,” his hyung smirked before slapping it._ _

__“Hey,” Changkyun barked, seizing his hand, “That hurts.” There was a hint of a smile on his hyung’s naturally red lips,_ _

__“Changkyun-ah…” he suddenly said in a husky, seductive voice._ _

__“What?”_ _

__“Can I do it this time?” Changkyun took a moment to understand what Wonho meant before becoming quiet. He straightened up and sat atop Wonho’s lap. His hands were gripping and digging into Wonho’s robe, his head tilted down—causing his hair to cover his face. A moment or two passed before he finally found the courage to nod. The moment he did, Wonho sat up and came towards him. His hyung gently took his hand,_ _

__“Just stay where you are,” he murmured softly, “Hyung will take care of you.”_ _

__“That sounds dirty in this situation,” Changkyun laughed. He caressed Wonho’s face in his hands and their eyes met once again, “It might be a while until the next time we can be alone like this so…let’s not think about anything else tonight…”_ _

__“I already don’t think about anything else when I’m with you…”_ _

__“Ah, romantic Wonho-hyung…” he sighed and shook his head, causing Hoseok to laugh. His heart felt as though it was melting when Wonho suddenly kissed his sensitive throat. He quickly gripped onto his shoulders to keep himself from crumbling. Wonho smiled—his gaze innocent—as he stared up at him,_ _

__“I love you, Changkyunnie…” he murmured suddenly. Every time he said it, it was as though he were realizing it for the first time—as though he were falling in love with Changkyun over and over again. Changkyun smiled before kissing him again,_ _

__“I love you, too…Hoseok.”_ _

__

__Changkyun stood on stage breathing heavily after they finished the extended dance break of “Dramarama.” In the crowd, he saw their light sticks waving back and forth and he heard Monbebe’s screams for them. He felt sweat dripping down his face and the landing he did on the last jump was a bit off—causing a slight sting in his foot—but he was happy. The feeling he got when he was on stage was always exciting and intense and with the year ending soon, he was grateful to be experiencing it one last time. As soon as the lights went down, he followed Hyungwon to the right and exited—Monbebe’s cheers still resounding in his ears. Wonho grabbed his hand and pulled him in for a hug backstage. He didn’t do this often so Changkyun embraced the rare occasion, his arms wrapping around his shoulders. Unfortunately, it felt sort of awkward since they had those leather sleeves on their arms, but it only caused the both of them to laugh and share another moment together. He held Wonho’s cheek in his hand briefly—spoiling himself with a moment of his hyung’s beautiful face—before they gathered together to do an end-of-the-year vlive._ _

__He was drained after they returned from MBC Gayo Daejejeon. It was a fun concert and he was glad they were finishing off the last day of the year like this, but he was also relieved it was finally over. They were at the venue pretty much the entire day until the event finally finished around 10:30. He was used to long days like this by this point in his idol career but this one was definitely one of the longest. These last few days were crammed with shows, fan signs, photoshoots, and interviews—they didn’t seem to have an end to them; and he didn’t even realize he was exhausted until he finally had a moment to breathe._ _

__His eyes could barely stay open on the car ride home. Now, it was almost midnight and all he wanted to do was spend the last few minutes of 2017 with Hoseok. He hadn’t even realized that it was at the beginning of this year that they officially started dating. And, though they went through a lot of things during three comebacks, a world tour, and a numerous number of other activities, Changkyun was grateful. They took their relationship to a place he never knew they could go. Before they finally confessed their feelings, they could barely look each other in the eye. They were constantly avoiding that awkward atmosphere they got when they were alone together, and they had settled on being friends for the cameras but nothing more beyond that. It was always difficult for him to ask for what he wanted from Wonho and his hyung struggled with opening himself up for the maknae. Changkyun’s heart always hurt thinking of those times. But the relationship and connection they had now made him seem to forget those familiar, unrequited feelings._ _

__Surprisingly, the other members were already gone by the time he finished settling in. He knew they were going home to spend the first days of the new year with their families, but he hadn’t expected them to leave so early._ _

__Wonho was making a racket in the kitchen when he walked out. He saw a cup of ramen on the counter as well as some instant rice. His hyung briefly looked behind him,_ _

__“You want some?” he asked._ _

__“Uh…yeah, sure,” Changkyun nodded, “Thanks.” He took a seat at the kitchen table,_ _

__“I didn’t think the others would leave so early,” he said._ _

__“Jooheon, Minhyuk, and Hyungwon were planning to leave right when we got home,” his hyung explained, “They said so in the car.”_ _

__“Oh…” he placed his cheek against his fist, “What about Shownu and Kihyun?”_ _

__“I’m not sure where they went. Maybe a last-minute new year’s date.”_ _

__“Hmm…” he sat up, “What about you, hyung? Aren’t you going home, too?”_ _

__“I’ll leave tomorrow morning.” Wonho came over and set down the ramen cups and rice. He handed him some chopsticks and then also ripped open a seaweed pack. Changkyun thanked him again before digging in._ _

__

__“It’s not like I’m angry…” his hyung sighed after the topic of what Wonho discussed during their vlive was brought up, “It’s just a little embarrassing to always be seen for my muscles.”_ _

__“But it’s not your fault,” Changkyun leaned over on the table, “If they choose to see you for your muscles, then that’s their problem, right? To the public eye, your identity is your muscles and that’s fine because they’re missing out on your better qualities anyway.”_ _

__“Ah…” Wonho laughed, “Why does it sound like you’re being kind of possessive of me right now?”_ _

__“Maybe ‘cause I am,” he held back a smile, “They can look at your body all they want, hyung. But those other sides of you belong to me.”_ _

__“What a bold maknae,” Hoseok sighed before taking a final scoop of his ramen, then following with some rice and seaweed. Changkyun crossed his arms,_ _

__“I’m bold because I have a stubborn hyung.”_ _

__“Hah, I guess you do.”_ _

__“Look, hyung…I’ll support whatever you decide to do—whether you want to diet or eat even more than you used to. But just know your body is beautiful no matter what…to me…Hoseok is perfect.” He saw a slight tightening in the corner of Hoseok’s mouth before he looked down,_ _

__“Thanks, Changkyun-ah…” After Wonho finished eating, Changkyun offered to gather and throw their trash away. He washed their few utensils and his hands at the sink before returning to his seat across from Wonho,_ _

__“I’ve been thinking a lot about this year,” he said after a moment, “Like when we kept avoiding each other…and when you confessed to me…”_ _

__“Oh…” Hoseok’s lips squeezed together, “Really?”_ _

__“Yeah…we went through a lot of stuff since that moment, didn’t we?”_ _

__“Mmhmm…” Changkyun looked down apprehensively before reaching out across the table. Wonho’s fingers automatically slipped in between his. Their aligned frequency suddenly made him want to cry. He was touched they’d gotten this far._ _

__“Wonho-hyung…” he licked his lips, “You made this year meaningful. To be spending the final moments of 2017 with you…I’m grateful…and I couldn’t be happier. I don’t know just…thank you…for being here and for being mine. Thank you for loving me.”_ _

__“Changkyunnie…”_ _

__“I um…” he pulled back his hand and reached inside the front pocket of his jeans, “I got something for you.”_ _

__“What is it?” His cheeks were hot due to the embarrassment, but he showed Wonho the ring he had purchased last week. He’d imagined giving it to Hoseok ever since—wondering how his face would react, wondering how it would look on his finger—but in that moment, Changkyun suddenly didn’t want to look up—the cheesiness underlined with his overwhelming and real emotion keeping him still. The room was quiet. He didn’t close the kitchen sink all the way so, once in a while, a drop would fall and hit the steel. Changkyun didn’t know what to do—how to move, what to think—as he held his gift out to his hyung. He was grateful with Wonho finally spoke,_ _

__“Are you proposing to me?” he asked, his voice soft. At Wonho’s bluntness, his cheeks grew even hotter. He finally looked up and met his eyes,_ _

__“Would you be mad if I were?”_ _

__“Not…really…” Hoseok’s eyebrows scrunched together; he was clearly confused and also contemplating what to do and how to respond, “Changkyun, this is…”_ _

__“We don’t have to treat it like a traditional proposal or anything,” Changkyun explained, the ring still in his hand, “I just…I just wanted to get you this. I wanted something stable…to help start the next year together. Sorry, if you don’t like it--”_ _

__“No, I…” his hyung interrupted before his voice was swallowed by his own realization. Changkyun could see the obvious red spreading through his cheeks. He suddenly felt guilty for putting his hyung in such an awkward situation._ _

__Wonho shifted in his seat nervously before clearing his throat, “I like it…” he said. Those few words made his heart flutter._ _

__“Really?” His hyung nodded. Changkyun found the confidence to hold out his hand until Wonho brought his own forward. He gulped nervously before fully caressing it, his thumb sliding along his knuckles and then his familiar, soft fingers. Their eyes eventually met, and he felt safe once again._ _

__“Hoseok…” he confessed, his voice more susceptible to breaking than he initially thought, “I want to spend the rest of my life with you…” He felt Hoseok’s hand shaking in his and he slightly tightened his grip. Wonho’s eyes were already wet, his ears flushed pink. His lips tightened before he could speak again,_ _

__“Me, too…” Changkyun gulped with apprehension before slowly sliding the ring onto Wonho’s finger. It looked quite official wrapped around his ring finger. He’d never tell Hoseok, but Changkyun chose it quite carefully when he was shopping. The two black, indented lines on the ring represented the two of them and the thin line of diamonds between was their relationship. It wasn’t a fancy piece that would stick out or anything—something Wonho most likely already had among his accessories but it meant a lot to Changkyun and to see it on Hoseok’s finger made his heart weep with joy._ _

__“Ah…” his hyung uttered, his cheeks even more flushed than before, “This is…um…maybe I’ll put it on a chain or something…”_ _

__“That’s fine,” Changkyun smiled at his bashful behavior. He stood and his hyung was already in his arms. The impact of his body rapidly and desperately pushing into his nearly caused him to fall over. Wonho’s hands gripped onto his shirt, his face buried into his shoulder. Changkyun laughed softly before patting Wonho’s back._ _

__“What’s wrong?” he asked, despite already knowing the answer, “Ah…don’t cry…” He caressed Wonho’s neck and gently kissed his head, “Happy New Year, hyung…”_ _

__“Mm…” A whimper resounded from Wonho’s buried face. Changkyun snuggled his cheek against the top of his head,_ _

__“Ok…let it out…” he murmured, “I’ll hold you until you’re done, hyung.”_ _

__“Maknae…” It was difficult to believe Wonho would have never cried on him like this years ago. Even when Changkyun could tell he was upset, he went to another member, stubbornly insisted he was ok, or he dealt with it alone. It was as though he never trusted Changkyun to carry the burden with him—even when Changkyun was more than willing. Or perhaps he was simply afraid of losing himself if it meant allowing the maknae to comfort him—allowing someone younger to wipe his tears. Changkyun had always held himself back because of that. But now, as he held Wonho in his arms, he couldn’t find it in himself to release him. He wanted to comfort him until he was sure his hyung felt better—until he stopped crying. He wanted to be there by his side for a long time if not forever._ _

__They really had come a long way from the awkward couple they used to be—a pair held back by the labels of “hyung” and “maknae” with constant regret and desire to return to the innocence they used to have; the pain of their feelings for each other holding them back as well as their pride as men and idols. Changkyun knew they would have to overcome many more obstacles from now on. He knew it would be riskier and risker the longer they stayed together, and it would only hurt more the harder he fell for Hoseok. But he also knew that the smile Wonho solely gave to him when they were alone was the only thing he needed to be happy. Changkyun welcomed the year of 2018 with Hoseok in his arms—depending on him as he’d always wanted him to and Changkyun needing him as he had since the day his heart skipped a beat from simply hearing him laugh. He was ready to run forward with Monsta X holding his right hand and Hoseok holding his left._ _

__Changkyun smiled gratefully before caressing Wonho’s hand, his fingers scraping against the metal ring on his finger._ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Honestly, I'm so happy to be finishing this piece. Thank you to all the people that read this fic and gave it a chance. I'm so grateful for your support and love! I hope my work put a smile on your face and sent you on a roller coaster ride of feels. Please look forward to my future Wonkyun fics and the possible sequel to Depend on Me Like Ramen! Thank you so much!


End file.
